Hi desperatemum2- I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You do not deserve this and to feel like a hostage in your own home.
Kate is right, you must look after you. Loving an addict is so isolating, you are not alone. Just because you are a mom who loves her son, doesn’t mean that you have to take abuse. And that is what is happening to you. Many of us on here have said that we would never take the kind of treatment that our sons do to us when they are in the the throes of addiction.
If you’re not able to do Al-anon at home because of him being there, I would start looking in to information online about setting boundaries with an addict. There are moms on here who have had to remove their sons from their home because of their abusive behavior. You may not be strong enough for that, but you can certainly begin to set boundaries with your son in smaller ways.
You must care for yourself, because in their state they won’t take care of you and that hurts, I know. So you must find a way to do it for yourself, your other children who love, you and all the other family and friends who love you too.
Stay with us here, we are all stronger together.