Oh Star I feel for you. Past behaviour had sent you running for the devil pills as a crutch or prop to get you through .However as you are here on this forum right now ,you already know that in fact they are not the answer.Dr Google is not your friend either Star.
I know these things are easy to say from the outside especially when all you want is some relief from the stress you are feeling
One day we will both learn better ways of dealing with things but until then I guess we can only hang on
It sounds like you are having a pretty rough trot , hang on in there and keep in touch