‘ THEY WANT TO WEAR YOU DOWN SO THEY CAN KEEP USING WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.’ Probably the most important phrase to have been written on this forum. It is exactly that. This unwritten rule of ‘unconditional love’ is so insidious. It means, in essence, NO BOUNDARIES, that is not a good parenting formula, not when they are little or when they are grown. It also means we follow this unwritten code because we feel we should always be there no matter what. Well, let me tell you something, it’s a crock. Mothers love does not mean doormat. Mothers love does not mean punchbag. Mothers love does not mean unhappiness. A mothers love should be nurturing, not enabling.
Please do not feel guilty if you turn your addict ADULT child away because they are abusing you. They have no right to behave in that way and you do not have to tolerate it.
Golden rules
Set boundaries and do not deviate
Do not tolerate abuse either verbally mentally or physically
Actions must have consequences
Do not give them money
Do not feed them
Do not provide them with a roof over their heads
It is very well documented that the enabled addict will never ever get better. Killing with kindness. It will kill them and you.
I just watched a documentary last night Killing mum and dad. The son was a raging alcoholic who had previously been violent towards his parents, ex partners and others. They kept taking him back. One night he viciously bludgeoned them to death. Look up the case of Philip Middleton. It’s the most extreme example of what happens when you enable, however it is a lesson as to why enabling an addict can have dire consequences.
The comments by all the professionals involved included the phrase, ‘if only they had not taken him back into their home and set boundaries, then this would not have happened’
Keep safe, love yourself, don’t give in to blackmail, take time for yourselves.