James,
You sound just like my partner. And her thoughts on you choosing cocaine over her sound just like me. And I understand that that might not be the case, I’ve listened to what he says, but that will always be how it feels.
5 years ago my partner was the same as you, also 3.5g every day, and I left him and would have said I’d never be able to go back, never thought I would want him again. But a year passed, and I went a little off the rails myself with the trauma, spent most the year partying and trying to block out the pain. After a year I felt like I had got myself back and he was always getting in touch every so often. Eventually he started taking me out for dinner and we kind of dated, taking it really slow, and ended up back together. So while your partner might not be able to now, maybe there’s still hope, but if not, I know she’d want you to continue being well and for you to get everything you want in life.
My story doesn’t have a happy ending as my partner relapsed last year, for almost a year, and whether I’ll be able to do it all again for a second time, I don’t know. But I don’t regret giving it a shot, as those three years were the best of my life, until the addiction took hold again.
Never say never but also don’t base your entire plans for sobriety around that chance, you have your daughter and hopefully you’ll see her more and more as she grows. Make that be enough and anything else is a bonus x
