Hi James,
I don’t really know where to begin this response, but finding your comments on a thread from over a year ago and still seeing you writing about your regret years later makes me feel very emotional.
This is your story but I feel impelled to tell mine here, to you, as the other side of a similar story. Up until yesterday, I had been in an on/off relationship with a man I love with all my being for coming up to two years. We broke up 4 times (including the final straw yesterday) in total. All of which was to do with the coke addiction and more often than not, speaking to other women during his times of being “on it” on any platform necessary, including cam girls, local girls on SnapChat, Instagram, cam girls, TikTokers (i must admit the latter does make me chuckle). It didn’t just happen four times, I can count around 30 times that I’m aware of at least… I love the number is much higher, but he worked away until December in another country, and when he was home our time together often had to fit around my own work schedule.
With each 1 of those 30+ times, my trust, self worth and self confidence was chipped away each time. I am now a broken woman, deflated, everything that I was before him no longer exists. Yet, my love for him is unwavering, which is why I kept returning, believing his words of change would mean these times could be put behind us.
In the midst of this, the accusations were turned on me. I can categorically say there has never been talking on my side to other “blokes”. The latest accusation was “who is Justin” – a lovely man I work with, asking how me and the baby was. But after I showed him those messages, proved my innocence for what felt like the thousandth time, he gave me the silent treatment for 48 hours. A couple days after, he asked if we were going to start talking again, although I had tried to encourage conversation before. This man made me feel as though I was crazy!
The man’s active addiction to coke not only tormented me emotionally by not feeling as though my proven innocence was accepted, but it caused me to move jobs multiple times. Not that I was dismissed, I felt like I had no choice but to keep changing jobs. First it was that I started work too early, the next job I was working too late and on my phone in the early hours (I worked 6 days a week, 1-11PM, the early hours was my time to unwind and catch up with my friends on Messenger who I hadn’t replied to in a little while due to work etc). So I moved to a job that was strictly 9-5, 5 days a week, in another city (i don’t drive) which meant my overall commuting day was around 12 hours out of the house. I thought this would be best, given that he was in Cyprus (within the armed forces), so 2 hours ahead. This meant I could speak to him and only him each day. I was fine with that, I was happy to make the sacrifice as I loved him (still do), with all my being. My excuse and also a real reason for changing jobs was to also save for a house together.
Life doesn’t always go to plan, I found out I was pregnant this time last year. I was infact already pregnant before I started this 9-5 job, so I was not entitled to maternity pay, I am currently on maternity allowance which is penny’s in the current climate. I seriously considered termination, after all, we had a massive bust up with his drug use at the beginning of April last year, the women etc. he had been on massive coke binges the times he had on leave the months before too. I’m talking 9 day benders, including getting coke dropped off to his parents home for him to sit and do it in bed whilst we watched peaky blinders and I fell asleep.
He always wanted a family, specifically a family with me. That was a major discussion point for him, where he would send long and lengthy messages of how he envisions this life together. Up until last April, I really believed the coke was recreational. I was a bit concerned about the major coke binge in the February, but he had a few birthday gatherings to go to, and had a very heavy working month previous, and he put it down to letting off some steam (although he was asking girls to meet at 4AM when he was off his face, no messages to me). That’s the worst part – this never happened when he was sober, never happened when he first started his night, always at 4AM when he couldn’t sleep and the drugs were gone. I guess it was mainly thrill seeking, but as this happened more and more, my confidence shattered. I thought “what is wrong with me” “am I this ugly” “am I that repulsive” etc, etc. I kept changing my look hoping to be more like all of these women (there was never any consistency though, some of these women were Jeremy Kyle rejects [sorry to be harsh here!]). In hind sight I guess that supports the thrill seeking, but because of what some of these women looked like, it made me feel even more devastated, because I felt even worse about myself. I am educated, am about to finish my Masters degree, and he is messaging 40+ women with broken homes, their own addictions, and salacious, but not exactly beautiful. Some were of course, which is why I thought it was me, but some weren’t (not that being beautiful is necessary). I just wanted to know why I was not a patch on any of these women. None at all. I was really bottom of the pile in his eyes, that’s how I felt anyway. Yet in the same breath, if we went out together, people would always speak to me in his local pub and tell me “wow you are too good for him” “you’re so beautiful” “you are so intelligent”. I like to speak to people, really just interesting conversations about life experiences, deep thoughts etc. this quickly stopped, because he didn’t like it and would give me the silent treatment all night. This would be to the point where even strangers had to ask his friends “why is he staring her out” “is she okay?” People pulled me to the side to ask if I was ok constantly! And I mean strangers too. Everyone there presumed he was abusive. I suppose mentally he was. I stopped going out to the pub or with anyone full stop. Obviously I used the excuse of being pregnant and not feeling comfortable or too tired to go out. I wasn’t really, I was still working my long days until I was 38 weeks pregnant, full time. In the summer of last year my days were 14 hours out of the house. I wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more, but I was so conscious of making money.
I am going back to when he found out I was pregnant, end of April. He was elated! This was the happiest he’s ever been. He had just got posted back to Cyprus, but had said he’s so happy that he would love a beer with the lads to celebrate. Obviously I said yes, he was over the moon.
I was really unsure about being pregnant. The bust up in April was never really resolved, he had gone back for a solid 3 months of not seeing him and it felt like there was unresolved issues before even considering a baby. Anyway, a couple days after finding out I was pregnant, his first message of the day was “i fucked up”. My gut feeling those two days before was that he had got on coke. But this time he kept it from me. I asked how he fucked up, he said that he had just had to submit a drug test in (army protocol). He says he is bound to fail. He’s going to be kicked out of the army etc, family will kick him out, and so on. I had just started a new job fully aware that I would not be entitled to maternity pay. I was cross with him, asked why the family he wanted was not enough to just for one night not do it, funnily enough the night of the “sesh”, I categorically said for him to not do coke. He said he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t risk his family like this. But he did. I was devastated.
A couple days after the test, I told him not to worry. If he gets kicked out I’ll support him, I will look for a place etc until he finds his feet. There was a lot of arguing in May last year, he was flying accusations at me once again. Of course I have and would never have cheated on this man, after all I was prepared to have a baby with him. Something I do not take lightly, as I have terminated before (at 18) knowing that the previous potential father would not be around and that I had nothing to provide properly for this baby. My partner told me if I aborted this child, he would be heartbroken and never speak to me again, and that I would kill his unborn child, rob him of the family he wanted with me etc. so I went through with the pregnancy. This was something I was constantly 50/50 with throughout, even once my darling boy was born I felt so distraught and that I had brought this child into a terrible situation, and that my love might not be enough.
so to save more boring jargon, May, June and July last year was god-awful. We were not getting along, he would be paranoid constantly, on massive coke binges each weekend going out to Napa, strip clubs etc. I’m at home, pregnant, trying to get to grips with my new job. The beginning of July, I ended the relationship for the first time ever. I think this shocked him. He would go through his friends to speak to me, say he is sorry. Say that he loves me and our child so much and will still support us. I asked for space.
He went to a festival, where he of course got drugged up, not just on coke but other substances. He said he had an epiphany when he saw a young family there, and wanted to see me to discuss everything. So we got back together, on the condition that I block his friends who told me what he was saying about me, calling me really vulgar names, that I am toxic, controlling etc. I’ve never been controlling, I never once told him to not go out, and occasionally asked him to not do coke. I really wish I had, but I don’t think it would have stopped him going out to be honest. I still have so many “what ifs” from then, now. I know my story is still fresh, but I have so many unanswered questions from then, that he’s refused to answer all these months.
we got back together, went out in the august with a group of his friends – one of which was also pregnant. It was lovely, and felt like a real bonding moment. His friends all told me separately how he’s so excited to have a family with me, his dreams have come true etc. however, after a few hours of drinking, his mind turned to gear. He became curt with me, rude, dismissive. Told me to go to his parents house and he’ll be back later. His friend and his pregnant girlfriend dropped me off. They came back a couple minutes later and said to come to theirs, as they felt really bad about my partners behaviour. My partner didn’t like it, sent me a barrage of abuse. Told me he’s gone out of his way to buy me Chinese and that I’m a bitch to not be at his house and to not eat the food he bought. I came back about half hour after the final message, he was gone. His car was gone. He was drunk and intoxicated on coke, driving !
His mum came out, and asked what happened and why has he gone. I said “i don’t know, he told me to go, so his friends took me to theirs as he was wound up”. His dad then went to look for him. He wouldn’t answer our calls, his friends went to look for him. 2 hours later (2AM), he came home. Said he was suicidal. Announced to his parents I was pregnant. In their eyes it looked as though he was just scared of the situation. News to me! But I went with it. He apologised to me, slept with me, and we went to sleep. I woke up a few hours later (i was 18 weeks pregnant at the time), he was not in bed. I looked for him. He was outside in the garden in nothing but his boxers, smoking, looking so happy. I just looked at him and walked off. A few hours later, once his parents had gone to work. I asked who he was speaking to. He said it’s “not what you think”. He then said he was embarrassed to say, but it was just cam girls, it’s harmless, it’s porn, they are just “slags”. Firstly, these women are not slags, they are sex workers. I feel as though 1:1 conversations with cam girls, getting them to perform for you, having text conversations with them is far different to pornography. I was distraught, this man that cannot keep his hands off of me clearly has no sexual attraction towards me. He said it’s not the case, sex with me is the best, these women aren’t me, they are just slags etc. I left his home, furious, not wanting to speak to him.
his parents tried to negotiate with me, saying that their son adores me and worships the ground I walk on, he thinks the world of me and all the rest. Out of respect for them, I came to talk. We had an argument, I mentioned that we should just coparent, he didn’t like that. He either has his family with me or he wouldn’t be happy. I spent the night there, no intimacy. The next morning I left to go back to my parents home. He said that he had just realised I never gave him an answer as to whether we were together still. I broke down and just said I cannot do this anymore, I can’t deal with the coke, the person he becomes on coke etc. His friend (and pregnant girlfriend), said we should all get together. We did, we had a nice time. The next morning, my partner left for a deployment overseas for a month. He would constantly plead his love for me, it really felt like this was going back in the right direction, I thought “great!” This man cannot do drugs, nor drink. This will be amazing. He was so like the man I first fell for. He came home in September, and it was the first time he didn’t go out at all. He took me to work and picked me up everyday, even though he should have had lay ins, he made sure I was good first. He couldn’t have done more than enough for me, I loved that week so much. I really thought this was the beginning of our future. When he left for work again, he was cold. I felt like I had stopped him having a life outside of me, I could feel his resentment towards me.
The next time he came home, despite saying it would be all about me and baby, he made the focus around his friends, where he could do coke again. To make it clear, he was always around coke, both at home and at work. His mum slapped him for how he was behaving, both his parents were majorly disappointed. December he came home, for good. He left the army. I was hesitant, for the whole time before the baby, he had insisted on marrying me so that we could have our family together and we would live on camp with him. Since being pregnant, that was no longer an option in his eyes. Financially this was the most viable reason! Nevertheless, whilst balancing my full time job at 34 weeks pregnant, I was rushing to find a rental. I had managed to get it all sorted, but his grandmother offered her property she rents out. We decided to go with that, but couldn’t move in until after my son was born. My home life at my parents is overcrowded, and my dad is a functioning alcoholic. Sometimes being at home is worse than anything, but I thought once we were in the new place, it would be ok.
the second breakup came a week before my son was born. I had gone on my Christmas work meal with my work colleagues. He kept phoning me, once I had left my colleagues in a bar (I was 38 weeks pregnant, tired, and the only sober one) I answered to a coke-fuelled barrage of abuse. I hung up, and was in tears. Once I had gotten into my brothers car, I answered his call again. He told me that he knows he hasn’t been the best, but he is here for me and baby now. I said “that is fine, and I’m not intentionally pushing you out, but you say a lot and don’t really do anything with your words. I’m scared of being dependent on you again”. It ended up in a massive argument, where it finally came out he had spoken to his ex some while back, even though he had denied it up until this point. Partly due to my diagnosed severe perinatal depression, and hormones, I ended the relationship. we had very limited contact, although by Christmas Eve it was almost back to old times. We were supposed to be having Christmas with all of his family, but due to the breakup I was no longer going. He had spent all of that week before my son was born, coked up. Even on Christmas Day! On Boxing Day, heavily pregnant, I think the hormones got to me. Why did this man put me through so much heart ache? I wanted answers. It ended in a massive row, and we stopped speaking. That night at around 11, I started going into Labour. I was in denial until about 7AM, even after my waters had broke at 5AM all over the living room floor. I mopped it up secretly, and only told my mum about the Labour when she was awake at 7. This was the worst time possible. My partner and I were not speaking, I was still under the crisis team for 24 hour suicidal support (yes, it was so bad to the point where therapists and support staff kept coming to my parents address). I had to go to the resources centre and mental health unit to check in daily otherwise they had no choice but to make sure I hadn’t killed myself. Now, I can’t say all of this was due to him, but my partners actions with coke really had me to my breaking point.
my mum phoned the maternity unit, and they told me to come there as soon as I could. I got a quick bath ( I couldn’t bare to have my fluids over me!), but after that it was a downward spiral into active labour. My blood pressure was so low, I couldn’t stand up. On top of that I felt really suicidal. My ex partner had no idea this was going on as I had no energy to try talk to him, and I don’t think anyone but myself knew how close I was to giving birth. I gave birth quite quickly, too quick for my ex to get there. He insisted I did this on purpose, obviously he was on a comedown. When he finally got to my parents, I was on my parents bed, bleeding out, paramedics considered an air ambulance for both me and my baby, as his cord was stuck for a while, and without being dramatic, I was losing so much blood after the birth that I was losing consciousness. I passed out 3 times, one of which I smacked my head on the unit. The paramedics advised my mum once I left that I would have to go to theatre and that they have no choice but to give me a blood transfusion. They advised she get to the hospital immediately as it wasn’t looking good. Luckily I was ok once I got to hospital. My ex was in sheer shock at what was going on, he broke down saying he can’t believe what’s just happened, and that he is so sorry what he put me through. I really believed this might be a turning point for him with the drugs. I’ll save the boring parts as I don’t want this to come across as a woe is me sort of thing, but those first few weeks were perfect. We coparented really well, our little bubble was perfect. He said all of the right things. All the while he was going back home each evening to get off his face on gear. I had no idea of this, he swore on our sons life he had not. I have found out since that his own mum found gear multiple times during this, I felt betrayed that I had no idea.
we got back together end of January, moved in together, I thought it was perfect. He said he was the happiest man in the world to have his family together. He was out of work though, and took very little interest in finding a job. All the while, he was having coke binges with different friends in our home, when I had taken our son to my mums for an overnight stay. The perfect dad was no longer around, I thought it was just a lot for him to handle, I had no idea he was doing gear multiple times a week still as he hid it from me. Until I found packets and receipts for cash withdrawals of 100 pounds here, 100 pounds there. The money I had sent him from my dismal 600 pound a month maternity allowance, was going towards gear. He had spent £400 in two days on the stuff. I was furious, but we resolved it with a mediation from his friend who said he wants us to be together.
a few weeks later, when I was out for the day visiting family so they could meet my son for the first time, he made excuses again as to why he couldn’t meet this extended family. He had gone to the pub for a “quick drink”, which I understood was anxiety (which in his defence, he does have undiagnosed severe anxiety, which I believe should be medicated from my own personal experience). He had gone out for a couple hours, and his friend dropped him home. In the space of half an hour of his friend dropping him home and me coming back, he had arranged for gear to be dropped off at our family home. I was distraught! Countless times I had given him the ultimatum of “i will leave if you do this again”. I never did. I loved him and wanted our life together. But this time I had hit what I was thought was my last time. I regretfully slapped him multiple times, and kicked him out. Told his mum to collect him. His parents were furious, but the next day, sat down with him to talk about this all. His problems started in the army. They set up a meeting with a rehab centre. The day he attempted to sort this gear, I had wrote a letter, a CV and an email to a rather great local company, for him to get a job. He was offered an interview before he went for this quick drink, in my mind that drink was to celebrate! But no. Rather than things starting to look up for him; he was still choosing coke. Despite kicking him out, I made sure his suit for the interview was ready and sent his mum pointers for him to do well in the interview which was a couple days after I kicked him out. He got the job, I thought this was the break he needed, as he had said that “not having a job” was his reason for doing gear this time.
he quickly dropped the counselling sessions, as he said now he has a job and has cut both coke AND alcohol out of his life, he can do it with my support and his family’s support. I let him back in the family home mid March this year. These last 6 weeks has been great, he didn’t touch a drop of alcohol, no drugs. Felt like the man I loved was back, and our family could move on.
an army friend asked to see him again a couple days ago. I was hesitant I must say. I was scared of him going out. But I didn’t want to push him away by being controlling, so I encouraged him to go out. He got coked up, stayed overnight in a different city, in a different county, and tried to come in the house at lunch time on Sunday. I was furious, I had locked him out, I couldn’t bare to see him for I was devastated. I told his mum that I will leave tomorrow (yesterday). So yesterday came around, I have him blocked on everything, his mum advises that he is happy to help me move my things out of the place. I had poured what little money I had into making this home as lovely, cosy and homely as possible. I would wake up at 5 AM with a 4 month old each morning to make his lunches for work, do his washing, do the chores, care for our son, make dinner for when my partner got home each day. I felt like he was just letting me leave. It became heated yesterday with both him and his mum. He called me crazy. Said I was upsetting our son from shouting. My son was crying because I was in tears through frustration. They both accused me of talking to “blokes”. That is a categorical lie, and I knew his mum was just quoting him when she said “blokes”. The woman I confided in, showed evidence of him speaking to other women to, etc was now against me. I think above everything else, her accusing me of speaking to a other men was really the worst part. I feel like deep down she knows it’s not true, but he’s turned her against me. She was really cold, as was he. She accused me of encouraging my partner to go out, despite saying on Saturday night that I can’t stop him going out… him doing coke is a “slip up”. I was out of order to kick him out, that my emotional outburst was toxic and that I cannot stay in the family home whilst this was going on. Neither of them tried to comfort me at all whilst I was upset, but once they had taken my belongings along with my sons things to my parents home, my partners mum broke down crying to my mum. She admitted his addictions would be a long road. I truly believe he will not recover. I am distraught. He has defamed my character, when he knows it’s not true, his mum knows it’s not true. Their cold behaviour was obscene. I am still in shock this morning after what happened yesterday. Every time his mum was aware of his coke sessions and sometimes engaging with other women, she stuck up for me. This time she was directing all her anger towards me. I understand as a parent, she wants her child to be healthy and happy. But to allow someone else’s child to cripple in pain at the pain caused by her son… that’s one of the most upsetting things. I’m now back at my parents, where I don’t particularly want to be, but I have no choice quite frankly. I feel as though I’ve been left emotionally strangled, financially depleted, and I am obviously my sons sole carer. He’s allowed to have his family home to himself, where he can slip up as many times as he wants, have drugs in the home. The home my son could potentially be going to. For the mean time, if he chooses to see his son, I will be asking for it to be at his parents, under supervision. I don’t know what is going to be happening at our family home any more, as his mum told me to give up my key. Her words to my mum were “i have to support my son”. People are so ready to be patient with the addict, and I once was the same. To a degree, I still have that patience for my now ex partner. But after giving him my last ultimatum yesterday, saying that if he lets me and our son leave now, we won’t come back. He said nothing to this. Said nothing to my mum as he moved the belongings into the family home. Nothing. I have deleted my Facebook and messenger account (the only social media accounts have), so his friends can’t keep tabs on me. In the past they have been his messengers, along with his parents. his number is still blocked. I keep toying with the idea of unlocking so I can speak to him again. But he let me leave. He was still in his victim mentality. His mum said that he did the coke this time because he felt unloved by me. His actions throughout has made me feel unloved, to the point where I feel just an option to anyone. I now have to navigate coparenting and child maintenance through his mum, the mum that I had an amazing relationship with up until yesterday. What’s almost funny is that on the day he went out to see his former army friend, I was out with his mum, my mum and my son. It was a lovely day, spoiled by him. I was supposed to see my own friends the following day, but couldn’t, as he didn’t get back to our home in time.
I hate how this wonderful man, the perfect man, has become so selfish in his actions. His lack of emotion or remorse has cut me to the point where I feel suicidal again. Unlike him, I don’t have the luxury of going off the rails despite my mental health. My son needs me, I am his sole carer. I felt like a single mum when me and my partner were together in the same roof. I was mothering two people.
I apologise for the lengthy message, I guess I am just trying to get my thoughts out there as up until now no one really knows much of my story. I feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that I wasn’t enough. Embarrassed our little family he so desperately wanted, wasn’t enough. I am writing this to you James because it really struck a chord in me to hear your side. His side. The other side of the coin. To know you are in deep regret about what you have lost to your illness (addiction) I suppose selfishly gives me some peace. I just want him to know how much it has broken me. I know in the long run, I will be ok. But I will never be the same again. If it gives you any peace of mind James, there will always be a huge part of me that longs to be with my partner again. The man I love is perfect: he was the only man I wanted a child to. I imagine your ex partner feels the same. I hope we both get the outcomes we want, but if we don’t, we will still be okay. Sending hugs to you and everyone effected, this is horrible…