JamesB sorry to hear how you’re feeling and can simply only relate.
If theres one thing I’ve learnt over the last 14 months is that I can’t control the outcome, only the process. So, you can’t control whether or not you’ll have the same family set-up as before but you can control the process to achieve the outcome. Your energy should allow you to focus on not doing cocaine, on doing good in society, being that man your partner fell in love, being that man that your daughter adores.
Now I know that you want this today however what is that Sigmund Frued said? Maturity is the ability to postpone gratification. I also know you don’t need smart quotes thrown your way however there is so much truth in these quotes you only really know what they’re about once you experience it.
I’m sorry to hear about your parents and clearly effected your emotional state. JamesB I’m not being harsh or unsympathetic when I say this. Through your post there is still a certain amount of, I’ve been clean why is the world not landing at my feet. Truth is many individuals go through very difficult life events however don’t do cocaine – even those who have tried cocaine in the past. You’ve thought of doing coke, called the dealer, made the transaction, got the bag, crumbled the goods, lined it up, taken a card and a note out and taken that hit. You can see how many processes there are to this. Yes it’s as easy as ordering pizza these days as the saying goes but you’ve made these decisions. Every decision and action has consequences. You’re sadly living through these.
At the very start of my recovery journey I didn’t have expectations of where I’d end up 14 months month time, yes it’s been an absolute blessing and I’m very fortunate to live the life I do now. However, given all the usual behaviours while on Coke I fully accepted I made these decisions. I could only control what I would do for that minute, hour and day. Those days rolled into weeks into months and hopefully now into years. Tomorrow is never promised and I can only control today.
My thoughts are that rather than looking at what could you have, look at you do have. Set a plan of behaviours and actions that you can control. Whatever life holds for you will come to you. Yes, cocaine is an evil impulsive drug that plays on your deepest darkest weaknesses as it promises instant gratification but delivers hell but who knows what other factors could’ve come into play in your family. Your daughter is still happy and gets to see her Dad. She probably now has multiple holidays, multiple presents etc and you (as in your ex and yourself) get to inject all of your energy into your daughter as you share the time afforded. Full time parenting as you’ll know can be exhausting in itself!
You know my post is meant with good intentions and please see the good in what I’m trying to say.