Hi all
I’ve not been on here in a while and hope you are all ok or as ok as can be?
I tried to make Christmas and new year as nice as possible for the kids and they all seemed really happy, he stayed out the way which was good.
3rd year he’s not really been around, it did upset me hearing the kids talking about the past and their best Christmas, turns out it was 4 years ago just after my youngest was born, that was mine too, and it breaks my heart she will never remember that life we had before bloody drugs
I need to vent a bit so I do apologise, I’m not sure its healthy how much hatred I have for an object, a drug, maybe I need to hate him but feel it changed him and has ruined so many peoples lives not just mine and my children so for now I’ll hate it.
First off a few positives, I’ve been getting out a lot more, catching up with friends and dragging the kids out which is good for me, he still wants to separate and I agree it’s for the best. I’m trying to find a job still (was working for our company but went into administration) and think that will be good for me too (i had to see a therapist as him and his family think I need help, she said I’m ok, but said I need to do more for me so am trying)
He wants me and the children out of the house as we cant afford the mortgage (since his addiction he has controlled all finances and got really secretive so I don’t know what if anything we have) but rather then fighting it I’ve said we’ll go into a rental and he’s offered to pay a block
But he keeps accusing me of delaying things (I’m not but can’t go until he finds the money which changes weekly when that will be) I’ve found houses and started choosing new house things (plates, cutlery very sad ????♀️) and he accuses me of not coming to terms with us separating which I have.
he says I seem mad at him which means I’m not over him, but I’m mad because of things he continues to do, he gave me the silent treatment for months and it’s easier just continuing with that but then he starts a row.
In my opinion, which annoys him, is I feel his drug taking was to blame for all of this, but he acts like it didn’t happen and drugs were never the problem, he says I need to move on from the past as that’s in the past (only September) , but said he has learnt that drink was the problem and he drank to cope with me and how I emotionally abused him, made him feel unloved, put him down etc. some of the things he says is awful and so untrue, it’s almost like a therapist says things and he said yes she did that
but then on the other hand he says how he will always look back at our time together fondly ????♀️
It’s actually exhausting as I can’t win, I think he wants me to beg him not to do this tell him how much I love him and that I don’t want to go but 3 years I sadly did that and now I’m tired, he’s won he’s got what he wants so why’s he still punishing me???
right off my chest, again apologies for the rant I can sleep now,
i hope you are all ok and take care of yourselves xx