Goodbye letter to my husband

Hi lozzy

I know exactly what you mean. YOU ARE NOT WEAK.
I’m finding it so hard to tell him our I feel and that I can’t cope no more, ive also written it down on paper.

I’ve blamed the drug use for his illnesses and why he is so unwell now. He says it’s not the cause of his problems!!! (I do]
I need to leave too. I think this will be the straw that breaks the camel back or hopefully will make him Realise what this drug has done to him. To us.

Stay strong,look after yourself, make sure your still seeing friends, going out and doing thing’s that makes you happy.

Take care

Love Navy xxx

I wrote a letter to my husband to. It’s been sitting in my email drafts for a week. I told him how I felt today but I’m not sure he took it seriously.
I don’t know whether to walk away for good, or just for a while or just try and stick it out and help him. This is so hard. How do you cope with this

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

they also have a free treatment programme for addicts, if your husband would like the support.

I’m sorry to hear things are no better but glad you have started reaching out for support. Your letter sounds so heartfelt, did you give it to him?
my husband has seemed to lost all empathy since drugs, I can stand there in pieces and he doesn’t care, he’s come back from rehab so determined to stay clean, which is good, but wants to cut the negative out his life, which is me, I am finding it hard to be positive I hoped love would be enough but no x

Lozzy, what a powerful letter . It’s so hard to let people in to this world of chaos ( I was embarrassed and brought down to being so frighteningly low ) but I hope work are fully supportive and you carry on grabbing all the help you can . Please take care of yourself x

Hi everyone

can’t believe we are all still here in the same situation, my OH is in therapy but to be honest I don’t think it’s working as nothing has changed he is still using, I found it last week  and again this week. I must be so stupid to be still here trying to help him. he still hurting me mentally. I cry alot
I thought when in therapy you’re not supposed to use. I’m lost can anyone give me insight how it works do they tackle addiction first then mental health or the other way around?

lots of love and strength to you all

navy x

Hi navy

Im sorry things haven’t got better for you since he’s started therapy, and try and look after yourself. I know in rehab they get tested and have to be clean, if he is still using he is prob not ready to stop but fact he’s going therapy is a start, I’d say they try and treat the addiction first, again it was only when my husband wanted help they helped him with addiction, my husband hasn’t had help for mental health, he thinks he’s ok, so again it probably won’t be treated until he realises he needs help with that too. I wish they’d involve loved ones more in the whole process, but they only do if they give their permission which seems wrong xx

Hi lottier

thank you.
well I was right, he admitted that he knew I knew he been using. He had therapy and told them he relapsed they were helpful to him. the drug has to stop and the mental health will improve alongside with group therapy and CBT. I just pray he listens and tells them the truth and he can get through this.

We sat and talked and actual laughed together.  I’m still supporting him for now I pray I’m not in for another round of lies and heart break. . I’ve made myself so unwell and I used to be such a jolly person but I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me.
i wish us all the luck and strength we have to do what we want to do and not feel guilty about it.

Keep looking after yourself and stay strong

lots of love

navy xx

I’m sorry you’re going through this Navy and I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves these questions a million times.

It is an illness and I think we all hold on to the hope that they are in there somewhere and will get better but I don’t know if they will, and i don’t know how long we put up with it

It’s easy to say if you’re not in this situation I’d just leave and the easiest thing for our sanity, health etc would be to do this.

It’s not fair on you to do 7 days of 24 hours it’s not realistic and who ever is suggesting this to you is not helping either of you.

in my experience I could sit at home for 23 hours but the one hour I had a coffee with a friend or popped to the shop was when he needed me the most and showed how unsupportive I was not being there at that moment, then I got abuse or no contact, that is the exhausting bit I found from him being at rehab, I tried on many occasions to talk to his therapist but when he got mad he’d take me off the contact list which I think is wrong

I think this site definitely helps to keep me sane and I hope you feel less angry now it’s written down, I know your and Lozzys replies really help me just knowing someone is listening that really understands it unlike my friends and family

I think we all want Christmas out the way but maybe we should all use it as one day to think of us, try and forget all this rubbish and try to enjoy it, I’ve ordered a Christmas jumper today, I’m going to see family and friends and ban any talk of drugs or him

Take care, and I hope your managing to get some sleep and eating well xx

Hello

well it’s been a rough couple of days and a lot of crying on both of us. We are going to try and go away for a couple of days to see if we can get on without the pressure of life as we know it where we can be looked after by someone else and to see if we can get on. As every evening we end up in a row over silly things he is driving me nuts but the things he says and then to come home to packets on the side board, dishes in the sink and every glass used. Asaatrrrggghhh why why why can’t they put things in bin and wash a few dishes and wipe down the surfaces. He is at home ffs. Sorry.

I’m more looking forward to Christmas celebration with my family and not with him how awful is that. I’m just so tired of it all.

as for sleeping my pattern is all over the place and so is my eating, however I’m back in the gym and loving it so it’s keeping me sane.

merry Christmas all.

hope you have something nice to celebrate or somewhere nice to be where the celebrations will be good.

take care all

love navy

Hi lozzy

i know it’s hard isn’t it, I have the excuse of mh too……… I think the mh is caused by cocaine use for years.  I’ve now been told he has to come off it slowly, tapering I think it’s called , where they take it less and less till they come off it!!!!! How much of this is true I don’t know.  I think I maybe falling for yet another lie and to made a fool out of me. I can’t wait for Christmas to be and gone, I really don’t feel like Christmas.

hope you and your children enjoy despite him and I will pray for your dad sending you love and hugs

stay strong

navy xxx

Hello

i just need to vent:-

im so upset I just wanted a nice Christmas Eve time spent together having food and watching a movie.

he hasn’t seen me all day. I tried to get him to come and have lunch with me but he was tired!!! Then was feeling unwell,  I got angry so now it’s all my fault he has retreated to his room and I’m in mine. I feel that he wants to argue to get away from me I feel that the rehab is not working and the devil has won again!! His actions are as before hiding away from me as I can see the signs.

i don’t want Christmas Day to come. I don’t want to have breakfast with him, open any presents or cook lunch.  I want to run away and hide and pretend Christmas is not here.

thank you for letting me rant.

hope everyone on here stays strong for their. Children

lots of love

navy xx

Hi Lozzy80

So sorry to hear about your dad, it’s awful, I pray that he will get better and send lots of love to you and your family, it’s hard to be the rock when you don’t have anyone to look after you. I’m here to listen anytime. I hate that the stuff it makes them sleepy then angry and then back to using again to make them feel better.

i have not enjoyed Christmas Day, it started off ok, I cooked breakfast then we opened presents, I then cooked lunch which we both ate and then he disappeared for the rest of the day, I text him to come and sit with me to watch tv in the evening he came downstairs made a fuss about food, then couldn’t watch tv had to go…… wtf.

I spent Boxing Day with family which I really enjoyed then came back to miserable OH, I tried to get him to have food with me but nope, he was suffering.  So again spending the evening on my own.

I’ve  given him an ultimatum now for the new year, I hope this gives him the push he needs. So let’s see, if at anytime this does t work then I’m off, I have to look after myself, my health needs to be put first as I don’t like these anxiety attacks I’m having.

I wish you all the best. Look after yourself xx

Hey, just come across your thread, this is my first time posting on here. I’m in a very similar situation and have been for years. I’m desperate for 2024 to be better but I just can’t see him changing and I don’t see another way out. Awful to see there’s so many others in the same boat, I feel so alone with it all as it’s not really something I talk about with many people, to the outside world we look ‘normal’ except inside I feel like I’m drowning and constantly feel like I’ve been hit by a bus 🙁 it’s draining the life out of me putting on a brave face and I definitely feel like I’m getting to breaking point xx

Hi Rosie

i know it’s draining, it feels lonely as we lie to those we love to protect our OH and their situation.  has your OH admitted he is an addict or is it all still hidden from you ?
the only advice I can give is to look after yourself, keep seeing your family & friends have a social life, eat well and try and get some exercise in, going for a walk and losing yourself in music even for just 1/2 hour. You also must get good sleep in try going to bed early.

I still get my weekly exercise in, I talk to a therapist and I enjoy my work and have great colleagues (they don’t know exactly but they support me and make me laugh) I don’t think I would get through this without them.

look after yourself rosie

we are here for support, help, and advice if we can.

love Navy xx

Thanks Navy xx he will openly admit to me he has a problem but not to many others. We’ve tried various things over the last couple of years, he’s seen a GP, been put on anti depressants, had counselling, started doing the wild swimming to try and improve his mental health and everything seems to work and I get a glimmer of hope but then it’s only for a short while and then he’s back plunging us further into debt and lying to me day in day out. We have a business together so I feel completely trapped as if I ask him to leave I lose my job too. Last night was particularly bad, I was adamant I needed to bite the bullet and ask him to leave and then this morning he came to me and said he’s found a local NA meeting that he’s going to try and now I feel hopeful again but also very aware that I’ve felt this so many times before and why would this work when nothing else has…..

Oh rosie

i know exactly what you mean, I’ve been going through this for years, we give them all the love and support and they throw it back, i said when he gets the urge to use let me know and i will keep him busy, we could go out, we could watch a movie, play cards, anything at all for this to pass also I have said no drugs in house, but that has been ignored in the past.
I have to be honest I don’t think anti-depressants work, they just mask the problem,  as he has a business does he not want to go into rehab? If when he starts NA I hope it’s not just a weekly meeting that it is a daily meeting as they need this, he needs to do the tasks, and fill out a diary of how he is feeling and every hour is a bonus, do you know what starts him off agin Stress? Argument? Feeling of no hope? As what I’ve learned the drug prays on the weekend, the reason he has become an addict.

im trying to give as much support as possible but I am drained .

Ive spent most of Christmas break on my own, the accusation that I’m having an affair or been seeing someone is awful and he says he can’t hold a conversation with at the moment, the hurtful things he says.  The in the next breath he loves me so much it hurts so why can’t he give this white stuff up for us. He really needs to improve his mental health. He has heard of the cold water therapy too.

im hoping for 2024 to be clean, healthy & happy. I wish this for you too.

let’s see how January goes. It’s make or break for me as I can’t go through this again. I’m guessing your at this stage too?

take care of yourself xx

It is 100% make or break time for us, although I’ve said this before. For my own sanity I cannot be sat here this time next year in this same situation. I feel like he’s taken from me what should have been the happiest years of my life, whilst our kids have been little, the things we could have done with the money he’s spent and when we have done things they’ve all been paid for on a credit card because he’s spent all our money so I have a constant feeling of nausea that we shouldn’t be doing whatever we’re doing because we can’t really afford it. You’re right in that rehab would be difficult as not only would we have to find the money in the first place we’d have no income whilst he was there although he could have probably been 5 times this year with what he’s spent. His dad is an alcoholic and he has no relationship with him because of this, he has grown up with this and I can see it eats him up. What I can’t understand is why he can’t just embrace the love he has got instead of wallowing in what he hasn’t had. It’s so frustrating because I really do think he wants to change which is why I’ve hung on for so long but at some point the wanting to change just has to stop being enough right? I wake up every day with a feeling of fear throughout my whole body and as much as I don’t think our children have any real idea of what’s going on they must sense my sadness, I can’t be giving them my best when I feel the way I do and I want them to grow up with a healthy idea of what a relationship is not one where Mum does everything and Dad shows up when he pleases.

Sending positive vibes for 2024, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. It’s heartbreaking that you’re going through this too xxx

Hey Lozzy

Happy New Year! Sober NYE for us too. I know exactly what you mean tho, even the good times are filled with sadness as you never know how long it will last. Maybe this year will be our year eh, they always say the bad times can’t last forever, one way or another we will find a happy ending I hope. Sending love and positivity xxx

Hi all

I’ve not been on here in a while and hope you are all ok or as ok as can be?
I tried to make Christmas and new year as nice as possible for the kids and they all seemed really happy, he stayed out the way which was good.
3rd year he’s not really been around, it did upset me hearing the kids talking about the past and their best Christmas, turns out it was 4 years ago just after my youngest was born, that was mine too, and it breaks my heart she will never remember that life we had before bloody drugs

I need to vent a bit so I do apologise, I’m not sure its healthy how much hatred I have for an object, a drug, maybe I need to hate him but feel it changed him and has ruined so many peoples lives not just mine and my children so for now I’ll hate it.

First off a few positives, I’ve been getting out a lot more, catching up with friends and dragging the kids out which is good for me, he still wants to separate and I agree it’s for the best.  I’m trying to find a job still (was working for our company but went into administration) and think that will be good for me too (i had to see a therapist as him and his family think I need help, she said I’m ok, but said I need to do more for me so am trying)

He wants me and the children out of the house as we cant afford the mortgage (since his addiction he has controlled all finances and got really secretive so I don’t know what if anything we have) but rather then fighting it I’ve said we’ll go into a rental and he’s offered to pay a block

But he keeps accusing me of delaying things (I’m not but can’t go until he finds the money which changes weekly when that will be) I’ve found houses and started choosing new house things (plates, cutlery very sad 🤦‍♀️) and he accuses me of not coming to terms with us separating which I have.

he says I seem mad at him which means I’m not over him, but I’m mad because of things he continues to do, he gave me the silent treatment for months and it’s easier just continuing with that but then he starts a row.

In my opinion, which annoys him, is I feel his drug taking was to blame for all of this, but he acts like it didn’t happen and drugs were never the problem, he says I need to move on from the past as that’s in the past (only September) , but said he has learnt that drink was the problem and he drank to cope with me and how I emotionally abused him, made him feel unloved, put him down etc. some of the things he says is awful and so untrue, it’s almost like a therapist says things and he said yes she did that

but then on the other hand he says how he will always look back at our time together fondly 🤷‍♀️

It’s actually exhausting as I can’t win, I think he wants me to beg him not to do this tell him how much I love him and that I don’t want to go but 3 years I sadly did that and now I’m tired, he’s won he’s got what he wants so why’s he still punishing me???

right off my chest, again apologies for the rant I can sleep now,

i hope you are all ok and take care of yourselves xx

Hi lozzy

You scan vent on here  anytime. It’s so sad the situation you find yourself in but well done on accepting that it’s over and you need to separate.  Keep going out and doing more things for you and your children it will get easier. Once you get your own place just think how lovely it will be in time. Those 3 years of hell the lies the secrets will be no more, Hopefully you will find a property soon and he will pay the rent and you and your children can be free.

you can have a life it will take time to adjust but you will do it as you are a strong women. Good luck

im still struggling to come to terms that the drug has won. .

I keep asking myself, why am I still here listening to this crap. I’m hurting I’m crying everyday I’m emotional wreck. Why is it so hard to walk away……… my turn to rant xx

I just want a normal simple  life, to go out for a coffee, to go for a walk. To hold each other whilst watching tv to cook together to just be in each others company. No expectations.
I’m sobbing now so going to sign off.

take care everyone wishing you strength and Happiness

navy xx

Hi navy

thank you for your reply, I don’t feel strong tonight, I got a no from a job interview so sobbing too, I feel I have lost everything job, home and husband.

i know it will be easier once we have our own place but I worry it’s empty promises from him, he continues to lie so much that I never know what’s true and worry he has no intention of helping us, just telling people he’s doing that so he looks like a good man

I’m sorry things are no better for you, it’s heart breaking so many people are going through this because of a drug,

I think that’s why we all put up with it too as you do tend to remember the good times and want that normal simple life you describe

I feel like I’ve been single for 3 years and just want someone to love and look after me for a change, I pathetically cried in the supermarket the other day as it seemed full of couples, we used to do loads together, and I want to be able to move on and find that again.

Hi lottier

i know it’s so hard to distinguish the truth from the lies.  He has to help with the children.make sure you get help with that before you move out

. I’m sure there’s a job out there for you, keep trying and try not to get to dis-heartened with rejection remember it’s their loss and will be someone else’s gain. Good luck.

I agree I feel like the last years have been single wife and only loving when on it.  He says he trying but I think that the drug has taken over his thoughts.

I need to get stronger and look after myself, I wish you luck and strength to get through this.

im here anytime to talk too.

navy xx

Hi Lottier ,

Don’t be disheartened you will get a job , I know it’s so hard and deflating but try to dig deep and know you’re heading for a better life .
I did that too in a supermarket, craved to have that again , the companionship- honestly felt like my partner had died and in his place was this unempathetic imposter , I can’t bare to think about them times as I was such a lost soul and so lonely it was physical pain .

Mine hasn’t gone into recovery he just continues to ride the merry go round in his own life  , telling people we fell out of love , or that I wouldn’t allow him to be the man he wanted to be ( I will never accept coke as a normal way of life ) as he once told me that it is . I concentrate on our children and make plans and memories as well as trying to do things for myself , I know now leaving him was the right thing to do as much as it hurt my heart .

I know it doesn’t seem it right now but you will start to get your life in order without them and I promise it will look and feel very different even in a few months time, like inner peace  begins to wash over you .

Lozzy and Navy , hope the new year is treating you ok :/ how are you both ? .

it’s just awful , I still get blown away when I come on here reading similar stories , the same effects and behaviours it has on people and the same devastation to loved ones . if someone said to me 5 years ago that this was going to unfold like it has , I would laugh in total disbelief- I will never fully come to terms with it I don’t think,  but I will live for my kids and me now everyday xxx

Hi purpleheart

so lovely to hear from you, I used to chat with you on a different thread (merry go round from hell)

im so happy to read that you have got off  the merry go round, and are now enjoying your life. It’s so hard to take that first step.
Well done.

im having a hard day, being left again on my own on a night out with friend’s thank goodness for good friends whom took me in let me stay in their house until he got home as he took my key.  I don’t think he will ever get better, the days he said he sober is lies his behaviour has got worse his Anxiety has got worse everything’s so difficult for him from waiting for a taxi that is 5 mins late turns into a row and to take the car the waiter whom forgot to bring the water is useless, the need to have any Patience is gone, I’m left to sort out bills, to ring the taxi firm, to find the waiter I’m just exhausted by it all that I don’t want to go out with him anymore.

I’ve tried I really have even tho he makes me feel that it’s all my fault. I don’t look after him when he stressed, ffs sorry

im feeling so sad, I’m feeling very low,  I don’t think I can do this anymore. I need to be happy and only I can do this.

take care all,

navy xx

Hiya Navy ,

I remember chatting  🙂 ( I do at times go back to them posts just to give myself a wobble and remember  the really dark times and what place I am in now).
Awh Navy , it’s just not right – a night out with friends should not end with you deserted and so upset .
Do people around you know about his addiction ? Do they support you ?.
The lies and the selfish behaviour just snowball the longer it went on  I found  ( I’m still dealing with this now even though apart  and I don’t believe it will ever stop unless he realises one day it’s time to stop).
I know you will have commitments and reasons for staying so long but you have to do what’s best for you in this life because right now he isn’t the best .
Do you see him changing ? If you look into the future,  can you take another x amount of years of this ?. Sending hugs cause it is  so dam hard , hope today isn’t full of upset carried on from last night xxx

Hi all

I’m feeling really low this weekend and don’t really know why, he’s gone away so thing it’s fact he’s able to move on and live his life while I feel mines tumbled down

reading all your posts still scares me how similar our lives are, I’ve long dresses for balls we never made, he went alone this year, taxi companies we can’t use as he shouted at them and so many questions going round my head re old rows he started but I’m always blamed for

I know it will get better and hope you all can get the strength to leave to as this merry go round is never going to stop, and it’s easier to blame us then themselves so we will always be the villains in their eyes.

purple heart hello, thank you for your message and sharing, sounds like you’ve been through it and have come out stronger, and I hope to be there very soon, one question I’d like to ask is does your husband see your children, I have a 3 year old and have concerns but know I will need to sort access but that scares me, he’s been using since she was born so has not really been around, taken her twice to soft play but otherwise sleeping, at the gym or “working” she doesn’t know any different, he seems to get bored of her easily which sounds awful but no other way to explain it xx

Hi everyone

this is a living nightmare.

Sunday was awful, we hardly spoke to each other, but here Iam trying again, what is wrong with me. How many times do I put up with this. Most of Our friends do not know what is actually wrong with him they think is mental health issue with Covid. However they support me and are kind and caring towards me, they said it’s not my fault.

We seen each other for  dinner last night it lasted 20 mins, he was agitated, tired and needed his own space, (struggling) at least he spent a little bit of time with me, he then met me for breakfast @ the kitchen table this morning again he was tired. But he was there……He had a meeting at 11 which he didn’t make as now unwell cold, sore throat probably a has chest infection!!!!! Awful as it sounds I don’t believe him. Yes he has a cough……which is what always happens on the comedown, the same routine.always ill.

So I think it’s just the comedown affecting him.

im sending all my love to you who are going through this.

navy xx

Thank you purple heart

it’s nice to hear someone tell me that’s there’s nothing wrong with me.
Im just praying this time is different and he is not lying to me it’s only been 4 -5 days and around now is when the devil appears stronger and more determined to change his thoughts and row with me so he has an excuse to use.
I’m trying the next few days to stay strong.

love to you all

xx

Hello everyone

I know I’m exhausted too. I’m trying so hard to help him, but I’m getting angry things that are normal to me are hard for him, he trying therapy, self help books, online apps and has been clean for a week so I’m keeping my fingers crossed

will I ever trust him again. I’m thinking of asking him to do a test for me and if he puts up a fight then I know he can’t do this if he willing then that’s another step forward.i just want these awful thoughts to get out of my head.

thanks for listening and I pray for all of us in finding peace and wellbeing in what we want to do

xx

I agree with them thinking they can do it with a couple of books and online therapy once a week it’s not that easy. They need dedicated therapy everyday for at least a month and then once a week for life to keep them on track this stuff is evil and will lure them back in like a flick of a switch.

my husband is going through a tough time at the moment and I know he had used but had not opened up to me. He says he committed to giving up. Does that mean he will continue to use but not as frequently and when he does he will go back to trying again. I don’t know if I can live like that waiting wondering seeing that he had used again rowing about it feeling anxious not sleeping it’s a cycle of disasters.

i have been going through this so many times and I’m too old to keep doing this, this should be my time of life to enjoy not be worrying.

im so sad and I m in turmoil of what to do. Do I give the next 3-6 months to him and see how well he coping and then say if he still using albeit now & then to say to him enough is enough. I pray most days for him to have the strength to say no to this drug to not buy it or use it in our home.

thinking of you all xxx

Well, here I am, writing on this random boardI found, because there is absolutely no one to talk to and absolutely NO help available. I am just at a point where I think i’m having a nervous breakdown. I can not stop crying. I am as low as it gets. The only time comparable was when my parents died. I am stuck. Got no job, running out of money, and i need to divorce him. I finally talked to a lawyer today, well I have called lawyers before, but this one talked to me. But then he said he was too expensive. I have no income, i can not for the life of me find a job. I have been trying so hard. I am a professional, and can not get anything. Entry level, nope. Too old. High level, nope. it’s not happening. Meanwhile i have an alcoholic husband, and realize I have been enduring cyclical abuse for years. He can’t stop drinking. He has tried, but always ends up binging again. It’s like on a monthly cycle. So I will have 3 weeks of somewhat normalcy (although not really, but tolerable and even some good moments), and then he’ll binge and it starts with him just being annoying, irritable, irrational, unrealistic, and so on….and it ends with his being on the couch for days. And in between I deal with his unacceptable narcissistic drunk behavior. I am trying now to figure out even how to divorce and how to live. I’m in my mid fifties. Can’t get a job, need a divorce, and do not know what to do. I have tried to find therapy, and i can’t find that either. I have called domestic help lines, but he hasn’t physical hurt me, so it’s not for me. I have exhausted all of my friends who just think I should simply leave, and are mad at me I haven’t. But they don’t know how to do this. They say get a lawyer. Well, I have no money, no job. No one will help you in the USA if you have no job. You are completely screwed. You get NOTHING unless you are a corporate slave. I am lost and don’t know what to do. I can not find help. This thread is the first I have found of people who are also stuck, going through similar situations. Alcohol is fatal, and, should I survive this, I will make an ad campaign to that effect. Advertising has been my career, and it has now been taken from me, along with everything. I have lost my parents, now my husband, my career. I have a daughter, she is all I have left the only one I trust loves me. And I am trying so hard not to derail her. That is what I have been doing for years. I am trying not to burden her, she has had enough of this shit. She is finishing her undergraduate degree and I do not want to ruin her final semester. She is a 2020 high school graduate, and her final semester was canceled because of covid. And she has had an alcoholic father. And his family are  alcoholics too. They are functional though. He has not been. I know no one can help here, and you are all in the UK too. I went to school there and remember how the pubs closed at 11. I thought that was brilliant. Maybe it’s changed. In any case, there are a lot of us, aren’t there. Alcohol sucks.

Wouldn’t it be nice, not to have to think about it. not to have to worry about your partner’s behavior. And also to have a true partner, or be alone. I am at that point, sadly. I took off my ring. I have a dent and a callous. It’s been on for 30 years.

Hi lozzy

I’m sorry to hear about your health and hope you feel better soon, it doesn’t seem fair after all you’ve put up with, I’m sure the stress hasn’t helped but I hope you are able to take your own advice and start putting yourself first, your health is everything and although the shock may make him behave for a bit you will always be looking for signs and putting him first as I think we are all guilty of doing

Please take care

Hi lozzy

so sorry to here about your health, you must look after yourself , I’ve been to doctors lately because I’m not feeling right, got to have bloods done, I hate the waiting.

How are you know, hope you are coping ok and putting yourself first.
Why do we care so much, why do we put ourselves through this for someone who promises us the world and falls at the first hurdle and thinks that it’s our fault and makes us feel guilty, this is not fair. I wish we were stronger to say enough is enough, it is just so scary.

Take care sending hugs.

love Navy   Xx

This is my first time trying something like this, it’s new to me, but  hoping it can help, or I can get some advice and support where I can talk honestly about my feelings. I do not open up fully to my friends that I never see often anymore. My mom is the closest to me, she has enabled me to just take care of me and my boys and do what I have to do, to keep going. I live literally day to day, one day at at time. Being involved with someone who a drug addict is so unpredictable. I cannot plan ahead. We have been together for 10 years and have known each other longer (before he got into drugs)  He has two older boys from a previous marriage that had failed related to his early years of addiction and infidelity. I got officially together with him after this, as I was coming off a divorce and was drinking heavily. We stated partying together, moved in together. A lot of love and experiences, even though we were both struggling we were always there for each other and he made me feel special, he was different, very intellectual, a kind heart, charming. More than meets the eye. I got away from it when I got pregnant with our first son, I completed a treatment program, and we had our second son 2 years after that. I resent the addiction behaviours but at that time the months in between after a week bender were good. We had a lot of good memories and I really felt he was my soulmate. I loved this guy to no end and he made me feel like I was this to him as well. There was more good than bad, even the struggle made us stronger and understand each other through the years. He kept using and I would slip every now and again. We dabbled in different sexual experiences together until the drug ruined our intimacy in the end. Always having the objective to quit, focus on family, and health and what matters. He’s been to rehab at homewood 4 times and going back in the next month or two for the fifth time.Fast forward 3-5 years down the road during this time, mind you he does not have me to accompany him anymore, I am working full time and have our kids to take care off. Resentment grows as risky behaviours are replaced mostly isolating in the basement, until the 3 or 4th day of staying awake he turns into a lunatic, walking around paranoid with a hammer thinking people are trying to come in to harm him. Hearing voices that are real to him, delusional story creation that I am doing something suspicious when I am not, and after he comes out of it, he still believes that it may be true and starts to look at me differently and little by little these escapades at hotels, escort calls, numerous sex messages, pics, videos, gay spas, that i believed his stories of the “close calls”and it is something that the drug draws him towards the risky behaviour it’s all talk and when it came down to it, he didn’t follow through, until I could not deal with the toxic environment anymore I was either packing my kids and going to my moms or I would luckily sometimes able to get him out, so he just ended up staying at hotels and pop in unannounced to the house spun. He would also message me the whole time either be about how sick, depressed, or wants to end his life, and how he can’t keep going through this cycle of self sabotage. By this time I have tried everything to try to help him stop, (taking his keys, wallet, getting out of the city, going to meetings, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve been nice, I’ve avoided, I’ve given ultimatums, I’ve given responsibility, I’ve taken it away) nothing helps. It does not matter. I now have zero trust, low self esteem, and feel helpless in helping someone, that I loved so much, I mean I just was so in love inside, he ignited something in my soul, that I can’t describe but all you want to do is keep giving it back because it just feels so so good. I truly felt like we were to be together and slowly it got chipped, chipped, chipped away by no having no respect for me, the addict narcissist turned, and we slowly grew apart. His wrong doings when he was high, always had an excuse, when I would try to address my feelings it would turn into a fight, and I would end up feeling like he’s the victim, I would actually feel sorry for him. His real actions were justified by his delusions and our fights. He cheated on me what he claims was the first time, while staying in a hotel with another girl he had met on the street. He states he was in psychosis it was but the sex was real and I had to hear the story 3 times and still helped him to the hospital. He told me like I had no feelings. He used to cry and really convince me how much he loves me and  I read his letters he used to write for me and I cry. I miss his everyday texts in the morning like he really cared how I was doing, and the genuine caring like I meant something. I’ve held onto this past man & a future that now I feel in my heart is never going to happen. I had endless hope that he would get it and today, I feel i went from being too emotional to now so cold that I don’t have any feeling left in me. I’m emotionless to protect myself. It’s the only way I can cope with this because there is no in between good moments anymore. We just live in a house and have kids together. The last two years he can get past 1 month and these last 6-7 months it’s 3-5 days that consist of him using locking himself in the basement, bedroom, for 2 days, than singing uncontrollably mixed acute drug associated turrets for a whole day & through the night. Than day 4 -5 he goes out sending messages to random numbers, watching porn endlessly, he just went out on Friday afternoon and didn’t come back until 4:30 am creeping in the door, his answer sounded made up. He said he forgot where, than later told me it was a gay friend he’s been talking to. The thing that got me was I heard him talking on the phone upstairs from 11-6 am this morning to someone laughing, humbled, engaged, interested, he sounded happy enjoying a conversation that a feel I deserve,  it reminded me of what I missed. I do not get that and it was hard to hear this. No care of him talking to another women when I’m in the next bedroom (I sleep alone for awhile). And the text & picture messages before and afterwards. Why am I in this dying relationship, allowing for him to be complacent with disrespect for me and our family. And before he crashes he goes through a period of uncontrollable yelling like rage, yelling at himself and swearing and screaming behind closed door. My kids have been witness to this, I try to get them to stay at my moms before this happens lately as I can predict the cycle bc she has to take them to school usually now. His life is using and when he crashes he’s sleeping and miserable, depressed and does not participate or do anything. I see how his behaviour is affecting my boys they are 7 and 9 and he has no respect to leave. It is so unfair that he just does not care anymore for my boundaries that I have tried to set or how he is affecting our kids. I have the feeling in my heart that I dreaded would come inside when love has left for him & me and I need to make the choice and let him go, there is so much damage and resentment inside , I am just tired and so so exhausted with work, his behaviours, packing up my kids , being a single mom pretty much, I am lonely, I don’t see my friends anymore, my mom and sister do not want to be around him so it’s strained my family, I love his boys, but they haven’t been coming over often. I have no hobbies, or workout this last year, I  just feel so alone and I want to break down, I’m tired of carrying everything and being strong I just want to cry and scream at the same time. I am tired of trying to hold it together for my kids,  I am so fu!#%ng sad inside that my house is not a home with love. He’s taken that away. He says that I need to show him love again, that’s what will help our family, im so unhappy, i get nothing from this relationship anymore from him, how dare he request that and put it on me when he is the one in the wrong and it is me that needs love. I feel he doesn’t care anymore the drug has numbed his mind and soul, it’s just empty fulfillment now for him. He does not respect me. He is lost and we are two strangers now. It’s really sad to see the deterioration slowly and the person just disappears. I decided to reach out on here bc I’m at my end I can’t live in this with my two sons anymore. He has broken our family and has treated me like a staircase, I know we deserve better and I need to find the courage to step. I am dreading the separation and selling the house process. I feel it is going to be a very difficult process. I’m debating on whether I should just step and stay at my moms house permanently right now, seek legal counsel and try to sell my house through the court system? Or chancing it hear which I love my house, he should go but he’s too ignorant and il have to endure this cycle possibly much longer if I don’t break, until he goes to rehab for the 5th time for two-three months again that did not work. He refuses to go to long term treatment. Even after than the way I feel now is I don’t even know after all this if it can go back or if I can even give myself again how I would want to after everything. I just want my peace with my boys.
can anyone relate or have any advice for me?

thank you for listening

I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted.  That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted.  That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.</p>

Hi Lozzy

I really feel for you.

the upset their addiction causes they will never understand. Maybe one day if they get clean.

you should join co anon, for families of cocaine and other kind altering substances. they have zoom meetings on 5 times a week, u can get yourself a sponsor, make new friends who you can reach out to and work the 12 steps to re gain some sanity and clarity.

I’ve been in the meetings 3 weeks and already feel so much calmer and clearer. And most of all not alone anymore.

Xxxx

Hi Lozzy,

It’s just awful isn’t it.

must be so hard for u non worrying about divorce, nothing straight forward.

that feeling is awful where u know uv been lured in to the argument so u can be the bad guy! and yes u do Barely recognise them, hard to see them as a good person in the end as they’re showing so much bad

My partner not been in house for nearly a month, is on it most days. Still has a job for now but his colleague’s are all on it too N he misses days or goes off his head

I’ve allowed him back a few odd days here n there n after each bender I’m closing off more n more. He’s flip flopping between he needs help to I’m to blame for his using because of my “nagging “ which is actually pure upset and then asking him to honour the promises and suggestions that HE makes then repeats same behaviour and wonders why I’m so angry and then says that I’m not here for him and he’s an addict but yet he says nothing works and wants  my help for more options. I’ve tried to find every available option for him, he doesn’t completely do what is suggested and then obviously it doesn’t work

How can we be there for people showing so little regard for us? It’s hard.

Our intimacy is now destroyed, which makes him feel rejected as if it’s my fault n then I’m scared I will be ditched 🤦‍♀️

I’m feeling stronger in last few weeks though and friends have noticed a change in me, I’m calmer.

theres a zoom co anon at 7pm this eve of you or anyone interested. Go on the site, click meetings and scroll to the day to get meeting Id. U can also call up the phone number attached to the specific meeting for more information.

Good luck xxx

hi lozzy80

hope you are ok and your results were ehat you wanted.

Ive been thinking of you and praying that your OH has stepped up and been able to keep that devil away.

im still separated from my OH until he can prove to me that he can quit for good. I’ve set my boundaries and I’m not even considering going back until he is clean and can prove it to me and only then I’m taking things slowly. He had hurt me so badly but I still love him. I do hope what I’ve put in place  keeps him clean. If not then this is his last chance and I walk forever.

keeping you all in my thoughts & prayers to keep strong. Believe in yourself and now if this gets worse you’re allowed to leave and grieve for the loss of your husband and come out stronger the other side .

take care all

navy xxx

Hello Lozzy

im so sorry to read this. You must be in turmoil. Your priority is you. You must look after yourself.

im home but it’s tough, i find it difficult to trust him. He doing tests.

You have to put up boundaries and stick to them otherwise they walk all over you. If they are using every week it’s a problem. They sleep so long and are on edge and conversations turn into argument so they have an excuse.

we don’t love them , we are nasty, we don’t understand. Bullshit.

Which is what I’m trying so much not to do I want to scream at him but I haven’t all week.

im sending my love to you and thinking of you I wish you all the best remember your strong woman and deserve better.

navy xx

Hi lozzy

oh my lovely, you really need to be strong for you. I know it’s hard and daunting but you have the strength and ability to look after yourself and not him.

fill your days with what you need and want to do. If he wants to Join then ok if not tough go for it yourself.

he needs to realise your not there to be his punch bag (mentally) I know it’s scary been there and done it.

my boundaries have been broken and I’m considering my next move. He has 3. Weeks to prove himself.

I believe he still using and lying to me as he still grumpy, sleeping and then hyperactive so all the same traits as before.

he says he loves me so much and is trying so hard. I believe he loves me but don’t believe that he can give up this drug. It has a massive hold on him.

as I say im giving him 4 weeks to see how he doing then. If there is a difference then great but if not I have to reconsider my next choice. My health and life deserves to be happy.
take care Lozzy and all out there.

stay true to yourselfs it’s hard but we got this .

navy xx