Hi everyone,
I am back again! He made two blips since we got back together last July.
this time round he was doing everything right, meds for his mental health, weekly counselling with the well-being team. He has been keeping up with that since my last big post here! But he still had a blip yesterday. This time I kept my cool, packed his things and told him to go to his parents. I plan to slowly move back to my mum and dads so I can at least rebuild my life again.
this time round I am strangely calm. I almost feel like I do not care. I do. I love him. But I’m tired of being angry and sad. Being with an addict, you have to live everyday waiting for the next relapse. People will always be addicts. You have to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the next relapse when your world falls apart.
I used to have a very liberal view to drugs. But seeing the evil cocaine has done to this man I love, I cannot stand it.’
I am just putting this here to maybe help someone else out if they are battling with their hearts whether to stay or not. I’m certain some people really can pack the drugs or other addictions for good. But so many more will always stay trapped in the relapse cycle. I can feel in my gut when it’s going to happen. His mood shifts. The demons are in his head. Lo and behold, it happened.
I am not angry anymore, I am just done. I cannot spend my life like this. It’s not fair. I don’t want this being “normal” for my son anymore. I’ve actually enjoyed being on my own with my son today. I feel weirdly hopeful for a future without the man I love. That’s why I think I may actually stick to my guns this time and stay separated from this man. I know it’s an illness. But I also believe that all addicts have a choice too. I’m tired of it. I am not angry. I am just done.