I was 20 when we met young free and single . He was already smoking heroin but kept it from me at first .I had no idea of how serious this was or how it would affect me . I had no intention of a relationship but he kind of moved himself in . Anyway fforward 20yrs and im still on this horrible roller coaster of live he uses I catch him we argue we sometimes split .we have 3 children 18,8and 6 . And we both work. I am so fed up of this cycle I want him to go leave and never come back but when he finally leaves I end up full of guilt and misery and take him back its like I enjoy the hurt or something . Why can I not just say go and mean it ? Im nearly 40 and the thought of this cycle of misery for the rest of my life is too much to bear 🙁