[hanging-on]

Hi I’ve just found this site after a lot of on online looking i think i just need to get my story out there 2 hear from someone going true similar before i start i just want to say im sorry if this is hard to read as im dyslexic. Iv been with my partner for 13 years since im 15 with have 2 beautiful kids 9 and 5 I don’t really know when it all went wrong in the beginning he started taken cocaine maybe once a month i didn’t agree with it but it never effected me so I guess I turned a blind eye to it oh wouldn’t I love to know what I know about it now but I was young stupid and madly in love with a great falla that helped me true a lot mostly bulling from school fast forward a few years and 2 kids later and I can’t even remember that boy that stole my heart I’m just left with the person cocaine has turned him into the one breaking my heart. There’s been signs of him changing a few years now been paronid of me not wanting me to go out never saying I looked nice small things then he started if we went out together I found myself doing everything to please him losing myself slowly I ended up letting myself go putting on weight thinking if I let myself go other fallas won’t look at me and he won’t start i dont leave the house with out one of the kids i ended on anti drespessions and even at this time always put him first trying to help him get himself back but nothing worked for long I never hid his addiction from his family but the just didn’t want to belive it was a problem letting me deal with it by my self the last year has been hell he would start a fight with me hit me break stuff in our home my kids where never hear for any of it thank god my mam would take them most weekends im always living in fare but trying to put up a face for everyone around me he has problems from his pass that he never dealt with so I put a lot of his insecurity of him thinking I wanted to leave him that i wanted someone else down to that but lately he’s like someone possessed searching for phones thinking he is hearing me on the phone when I’m asleep he’s even hid a microfine in our bedroom trying to get prove even tho he knows deep down I’m would never do him any wrong then there’s the come downs the mood swings and getting pains thinking it’s a heart attack and I’m the only one there for him anytime I leave him he’s telling me I’m no good I’ll be sorry he hates me calling me a whore and any other hurtfull name he can think of but then after hes few days of a binge he telling me he loves me his sorry he b nothing with out me promised he will get help so i go back but it never last for long n it just get worst each time , which breaks my heart it’s like been with bonnie and Clyde and his family fall all over him so he dont see his wrong now I am just the bitch he would rader Bleam me then ammited his a problem so would they so the other day I took everything out of our home curtains pillows everything and moved back my mams I done it to try shock him into copping on I no he don’t want be like this I know it the drugs and drink and the fact I’m the only one on his back his family are maken it worst the just don’t want the trouble of it and it kills me because I know he has no one really but me I just don’t know what else I can do I’m at such a lost ????????

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