[jamesb]

I’m going to try and keep this short as I’ve started writing on here countless times and never go through with it but I’ve been reading all of your posts for months.

I’m 29 and have battled with cocaine addition for maybe 10 years now. In many ways I’m like 2 separate people, the person I portray who is successful, has a good career, well paid job and I have the natural ability to get along with everyone. Then the other side of me that I try to hide at all costs. I’m broke, in debt, I lie so much I can’t even remember what the truth is anymore and my entire existence has become about cocaine and how I can get it.

Im ashamed of who I am, there’s people out there who would swear to you I am the nicest or best person they know but the truth is I am far from that. There is still a side to me that is that person and that small part I have left of the old me is how I’ve been able to get by for so long, by always being able to get paid well or make myself seem trustworthy.

In the past 2 years I’ve lost my mum to cancer, my dad to a heart attack and me and my partner lost a child. In no way am I saying they are reasons for anyone to give me any sympathy because I have barely even acknowledged any of these things have happend and have used cocaine to simply block out any emotion I have felt.

I now have a 3 month old daughter and Thougnt that magically when she was born I’d be able to stop but of course all I have done is distance myself from being home in order to carry on.

I am heartbroken at who I have become and if I was looking from the outside in I would tell myself I am a worthless peice of shit.

My daughter and girlfriend deserve so much more than who I have become but I can’t seem to stop myself no matter how bad the consequences.

I don’t know what to expect from writing this but I can’t keep living this way.

[lindyloo]

Hi James, welcome to the forum, Everyone here is or has been affected by addictions of some sort.

You’re being really hard on yourself i think. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your loved ones. It’s hard enough to deal with that, let alone dealing with addiction too.

The fact that you feel guilty and know it’s ruining your chance of happiness, that’s a good start.

You’re only 29, you can turn your life around, read Danman83 posts. He’s doing so well, clean for over 2 months, doing CA meetings, doing the 12 step program, getting help from his sponsor and the fellowship guys.

He has good advice and support to offer.

My son is 28, he is almost 5 months clean from alcohol and cocaine. He is well paid but was ruining his life, running up debt, looking like s**t. He treated us very badly, disrespectful, aggressive etc, he was close to losing his job, his flat, everything. He got to the stage You’re at now and reached out for support.

Don’t just do it for your family, do it for you, it begins and ends with you!

Please seek the help and support you need , you don’t want to lose everything. It will be hard at first, but so worth it in the end.

Your parents wouldn’t want to see you tormented like this .

Read the other threads, particularly Danman83, contact CA join the meetings.

It’s not too late.

Take care, be strong

Lx

[Author]

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