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Hi James, welcome to the forum, Everyone here is or has been affected by addictions of some sort.
You’re being really hard on yourself i think. I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your loved ones. It’s hard enough to deal with that, let alone dealing with addiction too.
The fact that you feel guilty and know it’s ruining your chance of happiness, that’s a good start.
You’re only 29, you can turn your life around, read Danman83 posts. He’s doing so well, clean for over 2 months, doing CA meetings, doing the 12 step program, getting help from his sponsor and the fellowship guys.
He has good advice and support to offer.
My son is 28, he is almost 5 months clean from alcohol and cocaine. He is well paid but was ruining his life, running up debt, looking like s**t. He treated us very badly, disrespectful, aggressive etc, he was close to losing his job, his flat, everything. He got to the stage You’re at now and reached out for support.
Don’t just do it for your family, do it for you, it begins and ends with you!
Please seek the help and support you need , you don’t want to lose everything. It will be hard at first, but so worth it in the end.
Your parents wouldn’t want to see you tormented like this .
Read the other threads, particularly Danman83, contact CA join the meetings.
It’s not too late.
Take care, be strong
Lx
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