[zoescripps]

I started hanging out with my now ex boyfriend two years ago. We was both fresh out of long term relationships and lent on each other for support and guidance. We spent a lot of time in hotel rooms due to him having to move back in with his parents and I was staying away from the home I shared with my ex.. he started talking to me a lot about drugs etc and I had heard that he did cocaine. I will openly hold my hands up and say for a few months I joined him, I had never done cocaine in my life but he took control and I followed him. It came as a HUGE shock to me in august last year that I was pregnant. It was time to change, obviously I was terrified but I took it head on and couldn’t wait to become a mum. Something I had dreamt of. One evening whilst my partner was out, I started to get extreme stomach cramps, I called 111 and explained that I was pregnant, they insisted I went a&e. I called him on the way but he wasn’t interested in coming. Obviously that hurt and the next day found out he was on cocaine and that’s why he didn’t come. Everything was fine with baby.. as my pregnancy went on there was more and more of these nights, where he wouldn’t come home until 3/4am some weekends and 1/2am weekdays. I thought it was because I was pregnant and he panicked. I kept making excuses for him. Anyway, this went on and on the whole way through my pregnancy which caused me major panic attacks.

When my beautiful happy daughter was born, nothing changed. He was still out until all hours and we would argue and argue every weekend. Monday to Wednesday he would be the sweetest kindest guy to me and our daughter but as soon as Thursday came the lies and ignoring my calls and texts would start. I don’t think I ever thought that he had a cocaine problem, just thought he didn’t want me until recently when I’ve been feeling so low. I’ve pretty much brought our daughter, now 6 months by myself.

The past few months I’ve been told all these amazing things and promises have been made but they are broken every weekend.

Arguments were getting worse and worse and more frequent. Leaving me feeling empty, depressed,confused, hurt..

the past few weeks he’s called in sick to work, baring in mind he pays our rent and bills as I am on maternity leave due to taking cocaine on Sundays, Tuesdays etc..

About four weeks ago I had enough of the lies and let down and hurt so I left and stayed in a hotel for a night as he came back from a cocaine binge and was so aggressive to me , this is the third or fourth time it happened. He screamed and shouted in my face and grabbed my throat whilst our baby was asleep on the next room.

Two weeks ago I left him again due to anothe binge of cocaine. I Took the dog and our baby and stayed with a friend. This seemed to hit him and he begged me to come back, crying and he admitted to me he has a drug problem and asked me to help him. I told him I would support him and do what I can but he needs to so this himself. I told him to stop drinking and stop going out with his mates for a few weeks. That morning when I returned he had called in sick to work, he was very open when we were talking about our problems. He was playing and ho,ding our baby, he then admitted he’d been up all night on cocaine. I couldn’t help but go mad, he was holding our baby.

Another time I cleaned the house and I found cocaine residue on the TV unit in our home,

The next day he told me he had called talk to frank. They gave him the number of a local support group for cocaine addicts who he also contacted.

I was very subdued. Kept my feelings to myself and how I felt to myself and concerntrated on helping him and trying not to stress him out. He told me something happened to him when he was 16 that has caused him depression.. I didn’t ask what as I didn’t want him to feel pressured into telling me things he didn’t feel comfortable telling me.

On the Tuesday he went to the charity and they told him to download an app which he did and I told him to go somewhere private to set it all up, as I wanted him to be honest and not embarrassed with me looking over his shoulder.

That night he had arranged his mum to come over to babysit so we could go to the cinema and spend some time just us, at the cinema he was texting his mates, and I saw that he asked them all if they are free to hang out on Saturday (I had planned in Jan to go to a concert that day and he was going to have our baby day and night. I have to admit I lost the plot, walked out of the cinema and screamed at him that he needs to stop lying to me and being dishonest. He lost it too and told me how scared he is to loose me and that he will get help for our family.

On the Wednesday he came in from work and was so rude to me, I ended up going to be at seven.

We spoke about it via text on the Thursday and he said he was feeling anxious about going to the cocaine meeting that evening. I reassured him and asked him if he would like me to come along. He declined which of course is understandable.

He came in from work and told me he was going to go for a walk before the meeting. I could tell he was lying so I called him out on it and he eventually admitted he was meeting his mates and going to the meeting afterwards.

I let him go. I could t face anymore arguments or rejection.

I listened to my gut and drove to the venue of the meeting ten minutes before the end, he never came out. I called him out on it again and he just ignored me. This was last week and he hasn’t returned home since.

I told him if he wants to see our daughter he will have to pass a drugs test. He said he has a handle on any problems he may have had.

I don’t know why I’m writing on here really. To try and. Are some sense of this. To work out if this is what it’s like being with an addict or do I just need to walk away?

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