[penny-m]

Hi everyone, I have an adult child (42) who is both alcohol and drug addicted. My own parents were functioning alcoholics due in part to being in the military where alcohol abuse was encouraged.

My son has been on his latest bender for two weeks now, he lives in Wales I live in England.

I have just been informed he has made his way to my area and I do not want to let him in the house as he has previously robbed us and been violent with one of his younger brothers, not to mention being sick everywhere. Outside of that I have extreme anxiety when I am around people who are drunk because of my chaotic childhood which also included domestic violence on myself and both my parents attacking each other.

He is doing the usual threatening to commit suicide if I don’t bail him out of the latest mess he has got himself which involves the police taking his car off him for having no insurance, his license was revoked due to the drinking and as they arrested him and kept him in I am assuming drink driving too.

In the past I have helped which I now understand enabled him. Because I tell him that I will support him to get help for his problems but there will be no money no roof just the support for getting help, he does nothing but accuse me of being the root cause of all his problems, I know I am not and I know this is addict behaviour.

Does anyone else feel the dread I always feel whenever they get told their adult child is back in self destruct mode and may be heading towards their home or does my past influence my response, it’s so bad it makes me physically sick.

I have created a safe place in my home and this makes me feel unsafe. Sorry for all the detail, but thought it might be relevant.

[nanny-ger]

Welcome to this forum Penny M and thank you for sharing your heartfelt story. There is a thread on this forum under ‘ Theresa ‘ where mothers of children share their stories and seek solace and support from each other. Your experiences will ring through to many, myself included. As easy as it is for me to say, please take care of yourself. The nightmare of addiction and the consequences for all involved are difficult for people who haven’t had that experience, to understand.

Welcome to this forum

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Penny

I’m not a parent to an addict. I’m a partner to one (and currently trying to move/separate). I also get the physical symptoms and dread. It causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel as if I’m treading on eggshells, anticipating the next crisis or mood swing. I think it’s actually made me very ill.

I tend to enable just to survive and get a little peace. That’s why I need to get out and distance myself. I need to create a safe space. You should do everything you can to preserve your sanctuary. It is your home and you can decide what you will and won’t tolerate.

You are right to distance yourself and to set clear boundaries.

I am sure that the situation is incredibly triggering for you. If you are able to, seeking counselling and support to help you emotionally take care of yourself is very important.

xx

[penny-m]

Thank you for the responses. Donthaveaclue I hope you get away safely. It really does impact terribly my son has 4 children 2 of whom are not ‘normal’ 17 year olds. They have retreated into themselves because of this, it’s devastating to see and his 9 year old son actually asked me ‘what’s that M (naming his father) doing these days’. I worry for them too given that some of my life choices growing up were debatable simply because of my lack of stability at home.

I shall go over to the Theresa thread. Thanks again.

[donthaveaclue]

Yes, one of the reasons I am trying to get away is because of our child. They are young and impressionable. It is really confusing having a dad who is there but not there; who sometimes works and mostly doesn’t; and who is either high or on a come down. So he is either in a weird mood/very detached or in a terrible mood.

This kind of instability was not my childhood and I am mortified to have found myself in the position where I have chosen this person for my child’s father. To be fair, he was not an active addict when I was first with him and made the decision to have a child with him.

The problem is, these drugs and substances make them so selfish. All the think about is themselves and their needs/next fix. The idea of being able to wake up, not tread on eggshells, have a cheery breakfast and go about some activities for the day… is heaven. At the moment everything is controlled by him and we have no say in our lives or what happens. Mostly he is terribly moody and volatile.

I can’t wait to get out and give our child the peace and stability they deserve.

I hope you found some comfort and support on the Theresa thread. xx

[Anonymous]

If my son suffered from alcoholism to such an extent, then I would have forcibly sent him to the doctors a long time ago. Let him lie on IVs for months in the hospital until he clears and gets rid of the addiction to a greater extent.

[Anonymous]

“If my son suffered from alcoholism to such an extent, then I would have forcibly sent him to the doctors a long time ago. Let him lie on IVs for months in the hospital until he clears and gets rid of the addiction to a greater extent.”

As far as I’m concerned, there is no other way out. After that, you can already start a dialogue with him. His rehabilitation will consist of taking anti-depressant drugs, perhaps some very soothing herbs and teas. For example, I’m always drinking kava when I feel too emotionally unstable.

[Author]

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