[bellapop]

Please, can someone tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel… They can realise, get help and return to who they were.

My husband is spiralling out of control, he is addicted to cocaine, I have posted our story here but things are just spiralling out of control with every passing week. Our latest fiasco happened on Tuesday this week. He came home from work (he’s being made redundant) and just lost it… phoned the doctor and got a sick note for a month. I absolutely knew this would be a trigger… all this free time off, how is that not a free for all for an addict?

He has been on one huge binge this whole week, missed my birthday and is has completely gone off the rails. I phoned the police last night because I feared his life. He’s at his mums and is talking about renting the house LITERALLY next door to me. Like joined onto my house!!

He’s now in the ‘we’re better off apart’ phase, which hurts like hell! Can anyone explain this to me? How can he completely switch the flip and leave? Leave like he’s not killing me.

I love him, but he is absolutely killing me! This has been going on for over 10 years now, the same thing… same lies, same embarrassment at the parties when he’s the only one chewing his face off. Same running away, same lack of emotion.

I can’t take this anymore. But hands down, I would take him back in heartbeat if he knocked on my door 🙁

[paw_x]

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

I wish I could tell you there is a light, but there isn’t for everyone. Not everyone recovers. They need to want the help, they need to want to change. It doesn’t sound like your husband does right now and while that’s a real shame for him, you can’t help someone who isn’t going to help themselves. You can’t control him or change what he’s doing. You can only help yourself and protect yourself from this.

You need to put yourself first. Take back control of your life and your own happiness. It sounds so simple but I get that it’s so hard to let go. Realising I couldn’t control my partner’s actions and I could only protect myself from the chaos was the most important thing for me in healing from this. Mines is now doing really well, also at his Mums, but regardless of that he won’t be coming home until we’re both ready as he understands the damage he has done.

Wishing you all the best – you’re stronger than you think you are x

[bellapop]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am so up and so down since he left. I think I have some form of ptsd from all of what he’s put me through, it’s like climbing a ladder… seeing the top and then being kicked back down to the bottom again.
But I do feel more relaxed without him here, the house is organised and my children are being so much more helpful. My daughter actually said ‘It’s not even any different now that daddy’s left, I never really see him anyway. And there’s no arguing’ it broke me a little to hear.. cause she’s right! She’s 9 and understands it so much better than me already.
I don’t think I can go back this time, too much has happened and I’m at the point of having a mental breakdown.

im so happy to hear about your husband being in a good place 🙂 how are you now? Are you building on yourself? Just need to hear there’s life afterwards!!

im going to a meeting tomorrow for support.. it’s called al anon (I think) scary times!! Xx

 

[paw_x]

It definitely takes it toll on you mentally. I’ve had periods I was really struggling just to function, I have no idea how I’ve held down my job after the last 6 months if I’m honest!

He’s doing better now but the journey to this has been a rocky one. After I kicked him out, he was pretending to be going to meetings but actually was robbing our joint account to buy cocaine, he’s attempted suicide twice, been arrested, and now we have court looming over us. So I now know him doing well for a couple of months is not enough, it can all fall to pieces in an instant. But he is doing well now, seems to have a good mindset to move forward, and I’m getting stronger in myself. I threw myself into the gym for the stress relief and have been taking better care of me, putting myself first after so long putting him before everything. I would recommend doing anything you feel is an escape, that lets you take your mind off of things and makes you feel good, something for you and nobody else. The little things make a difference. And you have your kids to keep you going when all else fails 🙂

I think a meeting would be great and you might meet some good support there, I hope it goes well! I’ve been looking into meetings as I do think it would be good to meet people in a similar position. It’s hard talking to friends as they’re just horrified and don’t have a clue what to say, and I don’t blame them!! Keep us updated and I hope you find some peace and comfort soon – whether that’s with or without him x

[navy]

Hi both

i wish there was happy ever afters. We have to remember that it’s not our fault. I have had to say this to myself every day whist I break my heart.

Stay strong and follow everyone advice on here. Look after yourself first.

im glad I came on here as this proves I’m not alone. That I’m not crazy.

thank you all for being here.

navy

 

[vince72]

I have been there. Coke will numb whatever it is you have going on but then the self despise comes in when it wears off and the only way over that is to do more and this escalates. You can be sitting down one minute and thinking about what to watch on tv and the next you’re on way to pick up and can’t stop yourself. But you always end up hating yourself after. If you want to help then it will be hard but they need to have you there at this times and them be willing to say they need it. The cravings go in about 2 weeks but it’s hard work. It’s like giving up smoking then. If you have one agin you’re back on it again.

[purpleheart]

Thanks Vince for your input – I always read the insights to what it’s like to actually be on the other side to be more understanding of addiction . I can relate completely to what your saying – I see it in my ex husband, I let him come see the kids last night at my house , he plays with them – so good with them as he always was but then all of a sudden he’s agitated and makes an excuse to leave that he’s gotta be somewhere…. I know where. I don’t comment he just goes , it’s heartbreaking to see the person I once loved act in such a way .

[purpleheart]

Hey Bella,
I’m sorry to read this sweets . It’s so so hard it really is .
I’m not saying yours will end the same as mine , but I had no choice but to leave my OH , I couldn’t cope with him any longer . I watch him from afar now living alone and using , every time we have contact I wonder which Jekyll and Hyde it will be that day .
I know it’s an everyday struggle but you are so strong sticking by him – you all are . I wish I could have done the same but there’s no end in sight to mine even trying to stop. I’ve had to accept it’s time for me and the kids to move on and make our own life , I include him with the kids as much as I can safely , but he still taking risks. Sending love and hugs xx

[paw_x]

I totally agree Navy, I honestly don’t know where I would be without these forums and speaking to people in similar situations ❤️

I should probably update given this post is about whether there’s a happily ever after… my partner was fine since  the overdose in May, making progress, going to meetings everyday, we were away together last week and since then I was making an effort to have him over more, making him dinner, thinking this was all progress to him coming back home eventually. Spoke to him on Tuesday night after I’d been at the gym and instantly felt something was off, you know that feeling in your gut that just said to me out of the blue “he sounds like he’s on the gear”. No reason to suspect it, no reason for it at all, but I felt it. He was “ill” all day Wednesday and confessed to a slip yesterday after I told him I felt something and wanted to know. So just when you think maybe it’ll all be okay, maybe we’ll make it.. it all changes in an instant.

One thing I’ve learned from this horrible life is always trust your gut. I used to ignore that wee voice, that feeling, but she’s proven herself right so many times, even when it doesn’t make sense.

My happily ever after is getting further and further away x

[navy]

HI all

sorry I’ve had IT issues and couldn’t log in.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I desperately want my husband to give this awful drug up. Im now on my third attempt of trying and him saying yes. Only This time I’m not convinced and he can tell, I’m not sleeping, I’m eating poorly and gaining weight! Which is making me very unhappy. I have headaches and nightmares.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>he has sent me the link to recovery and help for myself to understand.</p>
<p style=”text-align: left;”>However he acted very strange today he drunk a lot of alcohol very quickly before going out. he was loud and obnoxious and kept trying to have an argument with me. Im too tired for that.
im lying here trying to figure out what to do.</p>
I don’t think my happy ever after will ever come. ???? I don’t want to feel like this. I want to wake up and forgot the past and move into the future how do I do that?
do I need help? Do I need anti-depressants to get me through this? I feel so low

take care all

love navy xx

[paw_x]

Hi Navy,

I got prescribed an anti depressant earlier this year after I told my GP I was really struggling – I’ve seen a lot of ladies on the forums saying they helped them. I only took mines once and they weren’t for me, I felt so drowsy and fuzzy headed the next day (they were ones you take at bedtime), I couldn’t take them and be able to think straight at work. But they must work for some people so might be worth talking to your GP about your options?

For me, my saviour was working out at the gym (my escape, the place I can go where my home life doesn’t matter and I can feel good about myself) and also eating good, nutritious food, I thought it I get physically stronger and healthier hopefully mentally I will catch up?! Going through this leaves your confidence at rock bottom, no matter what they say, you still feel like you’re not good enough, not worth changing for, it’s an awful feeling.

If your man is still drinking alcohol it’ll be a much harder battle to give it up ???? but you take care of you, it’s soul destroying to put your all into helping them if they aren’t quite there yet x

[bellapop]

Thank you all for your kind words, I truly don’t think I could do this without you all.

current situation.. he went off on his bender, came back home crying and begging… I gave in. Of course I did, I’m weak to his words!!

things then started to become dodgy again, he started smoking (after giving up for twelve years)  and I have now come to realise he literally always needs to have his little secret.. something for him to scheme about and have behind my back.

I just accepted the smoking (he got a vape) I thought ‘there’s literally worse things he could be doing’ but we came to the caravan on week three… (he can only ever go three weeks without a bender) and the same old shifty behaviour started happening yesterday day.. my intuition sprung into action and I knew even before he did it. I took myself off to the seaside and came back to the kids club to see him sat at the table absolutely off his head. Then the disappearing happens, he went off for a ‘walk’ and when he came back he was just a mess.

We have cocaine tests at home, he begged me to drive three hours home to get one so he can PROVE he hadn’t taken cocaine…. This was at 2am. And right before I got into the car, I ordered an everything test.. just to see what he would say. I told him it would be there tomorrow morning and if I come back and it’s positive for ANYTHING and he’s been lying, we truly are over.

he admitted to having half an e tablet.. I know nothing about drugs but apparently it’s not as ‘bad’ as coke (he tells me) I’m devastated. Devastated at the depths of manipulating he would go to.. he would happily send me home to get a test that HE bought to show that he’s clean… when in reality it’s all just more manic and risky behaviour.

so now I’m laid next to him, in the caravan.. he’s passed out from his bender on our quiet, peaceful holiday. Trapped.

im not sure these happy ever after a do happen

[paw_x]

Hi Bella,

I’ll probably stop going onto these forums soon as I’ve now officially said my goodbyes to my partner. After his last slip after we got back from being away at the start of August, something inside me just snapped and I realised I couldn’t do it anymore. I want better for my life than to be in this pain all the time.

I didn’t want to speak to him initially after his slip, and he took badly to that and told me he was much more likely to relapse if he had no contact with me. That threat just showed me how manipulative he is, and also told me how little my mental health matters to him. I spoke to his mother who was still saying it’s such a shame for him, he has this illness. She will continue to bail him out his entire life, and as such he might get sober, but for how long? I came to the realisation over the last few weeks that I didn’t want to stick around to find out.

I’ve been so scared for so long to walk away, as our future was all planned out until he ruined it and I kept thinking maybe I can save this. I was scared of seeing him have a happy ending with someone else. But you know what, whoever she might be, she can have him. As the peace I’m starting to get back is worth so much more. I’ve been unhappy and stressed out and worried for so long I think I had forgotten how it feels to actually be happy!

I think for some maybe there’s a happy ending out there, but their attitude has to be very different from what my partners or yours is right now. Please, think of your own life. You deserve so much better. Don’t be scared of your life turning out differently than what you thought it might. There might be something so much better waiting around the corner for you x

[bellapop]

I really needed to hear your wise words right now, he’s just walked out and admitted he’s never going to change and told me that he’s leaving me.. properly and is going to change his number ect ect. My brain is absolutely fried! He’s told me it’s not even a big deal and that I am the problem for not accepting it. He is heartless beyond explanation and I am just gutted. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare!!

im really happy that you’re coming out of the other side of this hell, your wise words have really helped me throughout everything and I genuinely wish you all the love and luck in your new venture ???? that’s the only downside to the forum, there’s no way to stay in proper contact with you all. You are all my absolute life line and I’m looking forward to getting to where you are ???? take care, look after yourself and I hope you’re happy ever after is waiting around the corner for you xxxx

[paw_x]

It is a nightmare lovely and please don’t take anything he says to heart. You aren’t the problem. I think sometimes it easier for them to run than face the problem.

You just need to take care of you and do what’s best for you. I know it’s so hard not to worry about them 24/7, but it honestly drains the life out of you to do it. You end up sacrificing everything you are for them and it’s not fair. You’re a person too, your feelings matter, your life matters. I have screamed that at my partner over the last 6 months to no avail!

But keep posting here as you’re right, these forums were such a lifeline for me too. We are all stronger together and we all have your back ❤️ I don’t know if you’re on the Famanon forums as well but they’re also a great support network of ladies? You will get through this, no matter what happens or what you choose – but just make sure you do what’s best for you x

[tanga8]

Hey I would really love to know the answer to this also feels like my whole life is falling apart questioning why I’m not enough for my partner whether he still loves me or if it’s coke turning him into a stranger I love him so much but I’m scared something will happen him he barely sleeps barely eats dunno how he is with his drug friends but Wen he does be home it’s like he doesn’t want to be here

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