[yzeal15]

I should be here laying next to boyfriend, but I’m not

He’s skitzing in the spare room

This social distancing and isolation have brought him back to the dark place he didn’t want to be in

I was frightened of the pandemic

I’m running out of money

I’m tired of scanning social media trying to find something to hold on to and believe in

When I have someone here who could hold me

The tears WILL NOT come

I so want them

Something to cleanse my aching soul and mind

So, I sit here numb

I can’t afford to leave, and it feels like too much on my heart and mind to stay

My boyfriend just got released from state jail in November 2019 with hopes of immediately finding work. He had one year sober until he kept getting rejected or just missing getting hired for work. I knew he was down but it’s like he just gave up trying. I feel really lonely and I can’t talk to my family because they forget their pasts and become overly judgmental. I can’t talk to his mom because she babies him and he is 50 years old. This virus has me worried about my children and grandchild and he is just focused on his self. I want to go to a hotel but honestly I cannot afraid it. I just wanted to tell someone how I felt before I implode. I really need a hug and I wish someone was here to tell me it would be okay.

[frh92]

My ex partner (we still live together as we are selling our property after I said I was leaving him) he is in the other room as I’m typing this, using cocaine. While our 2 year old son is asleep. It’s Mother’s Day today and all I have done all day is cry. He denied taking it but his whole face changes and the way he acts changes when he does it, having been together for 10 years I know the signs. I just feel numb now and I’m the same as you, I feel like I’ve cried so much that I have no more left. I also don’t want to wake up my son and for him to see his dad like this. I’ve shut myself in the bedroom. My family doesn’t understand or they become judgemental, he is still the father of my child and I still protect him even though he causes me so much pain. He’s been an addict for 16 years now and only stopped for 6 months at the beginning of our relationship. My ex’s mum knows that he has had an addiction and has turned a blind eye, she has the mentality of what she doesn’t see doesn’t hurt her. I’m sending hugs because I really need one too!

[yzeal15]

You can have as many air hugs as you can stand 🙂 You don’t know how much I appreciate you replying back to me. I’ve tried these chats before and no one replies. I feel you pain and I know that people say that misery loves company but I don’t know you but I love that you shared your story and are still trying. Still pushing forward. Know that you are not alone! You can talk to me whenever you want. About whatever you want. I didn’t think anyone would respond so I just checked my post for replies since I cannot fall asleep. Are you under quarantine or just social distancing? I know that can be hard. Let me know how you and your son are doing?

[frh92]

Thank you 🙂 and the same goes with you! I’m Always here on the other end, no matter how far apart we might be!

You can properly understand that this is not even the half of it! There are so many things he has done to me in the past and still doing now. I’ve started writing everything down, just so that I know i’m not going crazy! and so i know what he is doing is wrong, it does help me to deal with it. I do understand we still have to live together. My mum always says to be “all things in the great fullness of time” i just what that time to be now!

I’m having to quarantine now, the ex is still going to work. He works in a factory and they haven’t shut it down. My dad has bad lungs so i need to stay away from him. My mum is a nurse but she got sent home today because she had a high temperature. My mum called me up today to say that she was sorry that she couldn’t see me and that I couldn’t go over to see them, they only live 2 minute walk away! but i completely understand that of course i need to stay away. it just i’m stuck here now having to deal with him and watch everything unfold! What about you? are you Quarantining?

My son is good i’m just running out of things to do with him! i tried to make cookies today but I failed miserably and burnt them all, still ate them though lol. You mentioned that you have kids? I’m guessing they are all grown up now because you mentioned grandchildren? How are things at the home for you now? Are you coping ok?

I don’t know about you but i’m finding it so difficult to sleep at the moment with everything going on top of having to deal with this home life! xxx

[yzeal15]

Hi, we could probably write a book all the stuff that has happened and maybe get a movie deal. I honestly can say he has never raised a hand to me or yelled at me in an intimidating manner. From the outside it looks like he relapsed because he hasn’t been able to find a job as easily as he thought, but I feel it is just a comfort mechanism and he just wants to feel numb. Yep, it still upsets me because he has proven for years that he can deal with life without it. Your mom has great advice and when you are able to be free of him I hope you feel a sense of peace in your soul.

You are not crazy! Do not think that for a moment. I went to counseling before with my ex-husband who was an alcoholic ( I sure can pick’em 🙂 and I was telling her that I thought the problem was me and that I thought I was crazy for everything that was happening to me. She put her notepad down and told she had went through a similar situation and that is what they want us to believe. She was awesome!

After reading your response I felt i was not alone for the first time in a long while and i set up last night thinking about it and you know what? I cannot be responsible for his actions. Those are his individual choices and I have to stick to my goals so his problems do not derail my progress. I realized that this is a process that i cycle through with him. So I know I need to stop. Normally I come to reality when my finances are threatened because I live off of my retirement and university money I receive each semester, so his addiction is really making me mad. Luckily he was gone most of the day because his friend hired him to replace the flooring at their restaurant.

I’m so sorry your mom is sick. I know that is scary especially when you seem very close to them.

No we are not under quarantine yet our president is talking about getting everyone back to work by Easter. Most people in my small city are practicing social distancing. I’ve only been to Wal-Mart, the gas station and the closets Dollar Store. I’m normally an introvert and I do not mind being at home when everything is peaceful. All the restaurants shut down except for the drive through and curb side pick-up. Every business that can has people working from home. One of my friends went to the chiropractor and he did her session outside since the high for today was around 90 degrees. It is nice to not have all the normal traffic. I see posts on facebook saying mother nature is reclaiming her planet and it seems like it. There is a bird that sings all night and we say coyotes just wandering down the street yesterday afternoon.

LOL, sorry about your cookies. I burn stuff all the time and everyone calls it cajun food. I am sure you guys had fun making them. I have a 17 year old son and a 21 year old daughter. Her son is only 1 and feisty. He is always so excited to see me it warms my heart. I am only 43 but I look much younger and people always think he is mine.

I am coping okay. It feels good to know I have people who understand and that I can talk to. You know as women, people expect us to take care of and remember everything and with him on my mind too I felt like I would burst. I’m in my room watching The Amazing World of Gumball. It is silly but I like it. Anything to make myself smile. I’ve been in here most of the day catching up on my Communication Ethics class and knocking out some other readings for my classes I was behind on because on-line classes begin on March 30th.

I had a hard time falling asleep last night. I replied back to you at 1:30am my time. I normally stay up until 11ish. It is scary. I listened to a video that had Dr. Brilliant (I think that is how you spell his name) he worked on the cure for polio and he is blunt about the facts but tells us what to expect. I have hand sanitizer every where. I was going to make my own but most of the medical supplies were wiped out by the time I got to the store. I make sure to rub the baby down as soon as he comes in and I make sure to spray his baby saline solution into his nose everyday. I worry about him because he had respiratory infections constantly.

I hope you get some rest tonight!

[ajlost]

Thinking of you both. I’m sorry this world gets crazier by the day.

Neither of you are alone. Sending strength and hugs through the airwaves.

[yzeal15]

Thank you for the hugs. It helps so much to know other’s care for about the situation I am in and their are people who care.

[frh92]

I know right!! I have written a blog about it all and my story, I didn’t know if I would publish it or if anyone would read it! so I just have it saved on my laptop. My sisters have read it and says that its good but I need to cut in into parts as it is so long!! I was writing about my story, how it all starting and how I am coping with the addiction now and coping being a single parent. If i do end up posting it, I will post it under a different name as still a lot of friends/family friends have no idea what I have been through or what has happened to me. I also feel like they will judge me for it, I live in a small village and word gets around very quickly. I don’t want bloody Janet from 2 doors down asking me how often he does it or “she had an idea that he was a druggy!” F&*K Off Janet!! I can’t stand that! lol. But i do feel that writing about it all has helped me deal with it all.

I wish I could say the same about the hand raising and the intimidation, but unfortunately i have experienced it all. but then again i have retaliated at times as its got too much. The other morning, he drove my company car to go and pick up his sister who is also a cocaine addict as she though that people were following her, when she was in a hotel room alone. He had been drinking all night and got through about 4 grams of coke. he couldn’t even talk he was so paranoid. But i woke up and my car was gone, i was nearly sick as i knew it was him that took it and i was so scared. (He has previously got caught for drink driving when i was pregnant when he was on his way to pick up, he wrote off his car completely and owes the finance company an eye watering amount of money.) i was scared that he would crash the car again as the car wasn’t mine or he would seriously hurt someone and he wasn’t insured. Thankfully he cruised up while i was waiting outside like nothing had happened at 7 am in the morning!! he said it was an emergency, his sister was just paranoid as she had been doing drugs all night too. I did slap him round the face for it as he got out of the car. I’m not proud of doing that whatsoever, I was so angry and the words couldn’t explain how worried for him/other people/ the company car that i couldn’t explain! so writing about it has helped me figure out what i was feeling and how to deal with it the next time something like that will happen and i wont result into violence towards him, i don’t want his addiction to overtake my voice of reason. Safe to say i now sleep with my keys under my pillow, and the spare is locked up in a safe at my parents house.

I’m a little worried about going into another relationship as I have been with him for 10 years and I’ve just turned 28. He is all that I’ve know and I don’t want to even think about another relationship. I was joking with my sisters and said to them that when I am ready, I’m going to try and find the most boring person out there! but then again I just have this feeling that I won’t ever find anyone and I hate that feeling. or that no one will touch me because of what i have been through is so intimidating.

Wow I can’t believe you guys aren’t in quarantine yet! Everywhere is shut apart from the supermarkets and there have been queues to get into them that are 30 minutes long at my local supermarket, they have been doing a 10 people out 10 people in process, its like a nightclub! but it does mean that there are hardly anyone in the aisles while you are walking around. I have seen photos of the superstores in the cities and the crowds of people swarming to them is unbelievable, it just completely defeats the point of social distancing all common sense goes out the window. They are packed up queuing like sardines! The flat i live in has a communal garden and its about 54 degrees here in England at the moment so that is T-shirt and shorts weather for me! i’m going to sit outside with the little one and do some painting. All the people who live in my flat are old so they never go out into the garden anyway, i will be the only one!

Yup cookies were a disaster, i think i might move onto cupcakes next, fingers crossed! Do your children still live with you or have they moved out? when we eventually sell the flat i’m going to be moving back in with the parents! so that will be interesting! My son absolutely adores my dad and calls him Dad-dad as he cant say granddad and sits with him. To be honest it will feel like i’m getting some much needed R&R while i am there! But they have said to be it will only be a year, until i get back on my feet.

That’s really good that you are doing something for yourself! I need to do that too. I was told by my boss the other day that he doesn’t know if he can keep my position open because of Covid -19 there isn’t work for me to do! so i was thinking about when i move back into my parents if i can go back to school and do something like nursing or therapy.

I know i feel the same too, i have no idea that this forum existed until last week when my sister mentioned it to me. I would speak to her about the problems that i would have with my ex and shes a mental health nurse so she obviously has a lot of knowledge about it, but it would become too much and her opinion would sometimes get in the way of the professional help and she said i was best to go onto here and talk about it as she didn’t want it to get in the way of our relationship we have. I’m so happy to hear that you are coping OK, i hope it lasts for you. My ex has been working so he hasn’t touched it for around 2 days so i’m thinking that there is a session around the corner. He got paid today, so i might be on here later when I lock myself in my room again!

There is no hand sanitizer around anywhere, i have been to so many shops and when i get there its all sold out! i had managed to buy hand soap for the first time in 2 weeks the other day! so i’m just having to wash my hands and the little ones constantly.

didn’t sleep much last night, had the little one in with me as i think he had a nightmare! fingers crossed for a good sleep tonight, might even have a quick power nap while the little one is having his afternoon nap! so tired!

Speak soon xx

[yzeal15]

Oops, sorry I posted to myself on accident. LOL

[yzeal15]

I know your son is little and you don’t have to worry, but I am having a hard time keeping my daughter at home. Since we are just practicing social distancing and shelter in place in bigger cities nearby, she thinks she will not get it. Her son has respiratory problems. I just tried talking to her, telling her why she shouldn’t go visit her cousin in a city that is quickly on the raise with infected people but she will not listen. I told her if she went I do not want her coming home to infect everyone else here. Am I wrong? I feel so bad. It’s not like she doesn’t have other places to go but I still feel really bad. Why should my grandson have to suffer because she’s being dumb. I just want her to take this serious. God, I feel like such an awful parent sometimes. I do not have this problem with my son. He has always listened and erred on the side of caution, plus he is an introvert so he likes being inside playing video games. I just want to disappear to some island by myself and not have to worry about anything ever again.

[yzeal15]

Hi!

I hope you had fun outside. It was 78 degrees here and I mowed the yard and played with the baby outside most of the day.

I thought about writing a blog but i chickened out. You should publicize it. It was so hard to find someone to talk too and I’m sure if we feel this way tons of others do too especially now that the COVID-19 is out and people are forced to stay at home instead of having the daily escape of being at work or school. Maybe it’ll become so famous you can make a movie out of it and become a millionaire like J.K. Rowling. 🙂 #F&*KJanet!

Oh, my gosh. I probably would have done more to him than you did. My ex was physically and verbally abuse when he drank. I would say mildly abusive but I don’t know if that is even a thing because I did not end up with black eyes, bruises or anything broken. I had a really high bed (the kind you need a foot stool to get on to) and he’d come home and decide he wanted to talk to me and snatch the covers off the bed and grab me by one of my ankles and drag me off the bed down the hallway, waking me up and scaring the shit out of me. My mom always said you will know when you have had enough and no matter how much people try to give you advise, you will know when it is time to let that person go. One night he came home, drunk of course, and tried to grab me by the leg. He is this 6’4 dude and I am a foot shorter. As soon as he snatched off the cover, I shot up out the bed, jumped down and slammed his head into the door hinges of the closet. He was so stunned, he just looked at me with blood running down his nose and left the room. I slept so good that night. I wasn’t scared or anything. The next day we went to his families barbecue and his cousins wife laughed in his face the whole time. I loved it. Needless to say he never touched me again.

My daughter and grandson live with me. My boyfriend does not have any children. My son wanted to be with his dad so he moved in with him at his grandmothers house. He is only a few minutes away and I talk too or see him all the time, so it works. My son is sad about school. It is his senior year and he is boomed that he may not walk at graduation because of the virus. Keeping my fingers crossed that he will have that chance. I am happy you have the secure base of your mom and dad to rely on. Sounds like you have a very good support system. I have a really good friend that I can always count on and she normally understands everything without judgement but she worries about everything so much she make her blood pressure rise. I tell her some stuff but I don’t want her to worry too much. Going back to school while staying with them is a great idea. If you do start good luck and it does not matter how long it takes as long as you finish.

Your sister sounds amazing. The fact that she just did not leave you hanging but made sure you found something to help is awesome. I love my sisters but I don’t know if they would be that helpful and one has a degree in Sociology and Psychology but she is selfish in a lot of aspects. I love her but she tests me sometimes.

I’m happy you had a few days of peace. Are you okay today? Did you get any sleep?

[frh92]

Oh god I bloody wish i was a millionaire! hears hoping! I Think I will do it but I will use a different name and change the names in the blog too. I will let you know when I do it so you can read it if you like.

Wow so you really have been through it all! I’m glad to hear that your partner now doesn’t lay a finger on you. How have you been lately? have things got better or worse?

Strangely things have got better for me, he hasn’t touched drugs since the 24th which is unheard of in this house. however I have heard phone calls and seen texts of drug dealers wanting money which is the norm now. I can only assume that he owes too much money now to put on tic so he can’t get any drugs. Also a lot of drug dealer don’t trust him now as he doesn’t pay them for at least a month. so they usually don’t answer the phone to him. I’m sure its only a matter of time before i get the knock on the door.

I’m sure that he will still have a graduation, all of the exams in England have been postponed until next year which really confuses everyone! One of my friends kids 16 year old going on 17 so he is in whats called 6th form at school. when you go into 6th form you have to sit exams for the 2 years every year that you are there. He has to sit all of his exams in one go next year, its going to be so much pressure for him! its going to be at least 6 exams in total.

she is really good and i love her a lot, i’m so thankful she told me about this website. I wouldn’t have known otherwise. My mum is being the worst at the moment. only since i had a breakdown and told my parents all about him and where all the money was going back in October. She keeps saying things like “oh if he didn’t spend so much on drugs you would have been able to go on at least 2 holidays by now!” i just have to reply with things like “well i haven’t have i?” it just seems completely pointless to me and she is so repetitive about it too. she said that me doing a blog would be tacky. she just reminds me of the mother on Bridget Jones’ Diary. If you haven’t watched the film you need to, or even better read the book, they are both brilliant and made me laugh so much. i told my sister that and i thought she was like the bridget’s mother and she laughed her head off.

I just think that she is being very naive to think that she wont get it. Its an invisible and silent killer. i have seen on the news that there has been 16-30 year olds in my area that have got it! its not just old people. This virus don’t give a flying F$*K what age or race you are! Has she been watching the news? you could show her a video that a man took in the excel centre in London, they have turned it into a massive hospital. its so heartbreaking. Does she actually know what is happening to your country and around the world? i think you need to sit down with her and have a chat about it. if she wants to go out on her head be it, but tell her that she needs to stay in for the sake of her son and that her actions are irresponsible and not tolerable. I have done a timetable for me and my son for everyday of the week with different things to do, like learn about animals, outside play, baking, painting. maybe you daughter needs more structure with the little one. i found it almost soothing for me as i suffer from anxiety. maybe that’s something that you could do together? Do you have a good relationship with your daughter? Maybe ask her why she is going out and what are her reasons for doing it?

I would join you on that island!! x

[yzeal15]

Yes, definitely let me know when you blog goes live. Throw caution to the wind and just post it. You never know, the way everyone is stuck at home right now, someone waiting to give you a book or movie deal may come across it.

I actually go out of the house yesterday for a whopping 20 minutes. I teach American Tribal Style (ATS) Belly dance. I co-direct our dance troupe and one of my assistant teachers and I videoed ourselves dancing a couple of songs to keep our students interested and moving. I didn’t go into her house because she has 3 little ones. We made sure to stay at least 10-12 feet away from each other and danced in her driveway. She is always fun to dance with. I was talking to her about my daughter and me feeling bad about putting her out but she told me I needed to set boundaries and I should have years ago from the bratty way she is acting. As we were talking, my daughter sent me a text asking if she really couldn’t come home and had to go to her grandmothers instead. I told her , “yes, because you do not listen”. Needless to say, I have not heard back from her. She does have safe places to go, her grandmothers, dads, or her cousins house. It is a horrible time for her to be out but maybe this is what she needs to come to her senses and buckle down and take care of her son. She’ll run out of money soon and have to face the reality of her situation and the worlds’.

The baby was going to day care but her job closed down because of the virus. We’d sing ABC’s to him. He’s not quite talking yet. He says “Hi and Bye” really good, as well as, Ya Ya- what he calls me. I made him color cards and we would dance together a lot. His mom does teach him so stuff but doesn’t have a set schedule for him. I use to be a co-director of a day care so she knows and I told her repeatedly how important it is for him to start early. You know how some kids learn more quickly than others despite anyone teaching them like they know their survival depends on it? That’s what I see and feel when I watch him.

School starts for me tomorrow. I have some virtual classes and the others are just discussion forums but I have been studying intermittently the last week to be ready. I only have 24 hours of school left and I am going to try to do summer classes so I can graduate this fall semester, hopefully. There has been no word on if the high school here is going to have a graduation ceremony. Crossing my fingers they will.

I am happy he’s been clean for the last week. With the world the way it is everyone but the drug dealers will be clean because we won’t be able to leave the house at all. LOL. Mine stopped using on Thursday. He just started feeling better today. He told me that it’s not fun anymore and he feels rundown despite taking it… (Shoulder Shrug) we will see. Wow, the drug dealers come to the door? I would sh$t a literal brick. I am so scary. That’s funny considering they sent out at least 10 police officers for my husband one time. I live on a corner lot and they were all along the fence line and between the our house and the neighbors. They banged on the door at around 2:30 am and I just opened it in my skimpy night gown, the head guy and I stared at each other for a minute. I am sure I had a ticked off look on my face. I do not like being woken up. He cleared his throat and asked for my ex and I hollered back into the house for him, like it was one of his friends at the door. They carted him off and I went right back to sleep. I am soooooo happy that hasn’t ever happened again but it was hilarious at the time.

I have watched all of the Bridget Jones movies. I loved them. Her mom was something else. I’m sorry she’s giving you flack about holidays and such. With you opening up about your situation it’s funny that that is what she got out of the whole thing.

Do you watch Netflix? If you do, you should really watch the “Tiger King” if you haven’t already. It’s in another state but I don’t live too far away from Joe Exotics Zoo. I used to work at a day care that offered pictures with a white tiger cub and I had my little brothers’ picture taken. The show is hilarious. Now I’m trying to get through the new series “Freud”. It is not at all what I expected. There’s a psychic mediums and some weird gypsy like bad lady. I dunno, it’s a little bit much. It’s something to watch besides true crime and serial killer series/movies. I swear by the time this pandemic calms down I’m going to either be the best homicide detective ever or the best serial killer! LOL

I hope you had a beautiful day – Hugs!

[frh92]

Oh i don’t think that a movie deal would be there but its nice to write everything all down!

I have been walking my parents dogs everyday as my mum has had symptoms of COVID-19 and they cant go out at all, its so good to get out, i live close to the river so i walk down there everyday! The belly dancing sounds like fun!

How are things with your daughter now? are they getting better? I hope so!

How is school going?

It’s now been 9 days since my ex has been clean and things have been so harmonious in this household. Although he has been going to work a lot, He is a key worker and works in a food factory so he has been doing a lot of overtime and night shifts so hes been sleeping during the day while i have been trying to do a little work and looking after the little one. it just shows what our life could be like without the drugs and its so nice, it does make me think am i making the right choice on separating with him? i mean we have even planned a nice night in with a takeaway and a film together tonight. I guess i will just have to see how it goes over the next month. Maybe this quarantine was the best thing for him.

Yeah the drug dealers have come to the door before but i can hold my own. it is scary, they came to the door one night when i was by myself (the ex was away for the night with friends), i was waiting for a pizza to be delivered and when the buzzer went i just let them in thinking it was the delivery and it was one of his drug dealers. So that was a surprise. And that was the last time i have done that! I know of them and some of my family members are well known in the area for their past (even though they have now turned a corner) so they seem to keep their distance from me which is the only saving grace i guess, i know that me or my son will never be harmed but i cant say the same for the ex.

When i talk to my mum on the phone it always seems to go the the same conversation about him i just get tired of it!

Yes i have been watching Tiger King! it is so good. if you want something different you should watch “After Life” it is so good.Has Ricky Gervais in it and the humour is quite dry if you like that sort of thing, it made me laugh and cry and the same time! You have to love a true crime though! can’t get enough of those!

Speak soon xx

[yzeal15]

Hey,

School is going okay. This first week was confusing but I just got off a virtual appointment with my Communication Ethics professor and she filled in the blanks for me on a lot things.

My daughter is safe. She is staying with her grandmother so at least I know the baby is in a secure environment. We still haven’t had any cases of C-19 in my city but my daughter worries me still running around every where. I miss the baby terribly.

I’m sorry your mom is sick. Has she got tested for the virus? I am happy you are getting out of the house. It sounds really pretty were you are walking. My closest body of water is a dirty little creek :). LOL

I’m happy you’ve gotten some peace. Mine’s been a week sober but he is driving me completely F$*@!%G crazy. Now he’s paying attention to the news and wigging out because he is just now taking it seriously and he’s worried about completing the flooring at his job in Dallas about a hour away. There are about 850 cases in Dallas County with a population of 1.3 million people. He needs to go make some money for the family and follow the precautions set in place because the bills are not going to stop coming in. Now he is just being annoying; pacing back in forth and just generally getting on my nerves. I may wind up on a true crime series…

Good for you. I am happy you can handle your own. My uncle was the King Pin of my town for 30+ years so everyone knows us or of him and that has deterred a lot of people from messing with us.

That Bitch Carole Baskins! Lmao. His blue eyeliner was killing me! I looked to see if they had built the zoo by the casino yet but there is nothing there. It’s about an hour away from me. I just wanted to go see the people from the documentary. I’ll have to check out After Life.

Hope you and the baby are well- XX

[frh92]

I Spoke too soon…..He has just come out of the bedroom with eyes like bin lids and very restless. He has been doing cocaine when i thought he was sleeping off a night shift. I feel so stupid to think things would change. There is a reason as to why i now call him my Ex. I’m so angry with myself 🙁

He said he was sorry that he done it and that he was disappointing with himself, but I’ve heard to all before

Going to go out for a walk now to think about things xx

[sam0918]

Honestly I think they end up saying you’re sorry because they’re sorry they got caught according to my fiance he says that he does it because he feels like s*** and that he has low self-esteem and then the drugs make him haven’t even lower self-esteem is counterproductive is just like him taking testosterone to try to build up his muscle mass because he has low testosterone he has a horrible thyroid yet he’s doing cocaine which makes him not eat so it’s all counterproductive it makes no sense to me whatsoever and he tries to validate it sometimes it’ll be like oh well they just gave it to me I didn’t spend any money so I’m going to do it and then heat goes will you get mad if I do it you know I’m going to be mad and you know you’re going to do it no matter what so why bother asking and in his mind right now he hasn’t done it since Saturday so I should believe that he’s done I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that it’s depressing and it’s sad but we’re here for you

[frh92]

Hi Sam,

I’m so sorry it took a long time for me to reply, its been a busy weekend with the little one and spent most of the time outside.

Anyway it sound like your other half is super controlling. Do you have a chance to stand up for yourself at all? i remember when it was really had with my ex and he always used to say that i was cheating on him and we would sometimes think that i had someone hiding in the flat! Ridiculous! Do you still want to be in this relationship? can you see a future with him at all? and has be always had an addiction from the moment you met him?

I always found the intimate part of our relationship really hard when i had my little one. I went through a really difficult birth (who doesn’t, right?!) and after that he was almost like “well that’s out of the way, when can i start again?!” and i was really sore, i had a emergency c-section and the scar after had got infected and i was felling really rubbish, with him just going back onto drugs and throwing out his demands for me. It went on for 2 years when i finally said enough is enough. I didn’t even enjoy the intimate times, i just felt like it was a job that needed to be done and it should never feel like that. I hate the fact that it was fun at one point of our relationship and i was remissness about those times, but i was 18 then and had no responsibility, i’m 28 now and have a child. It was time for me to stop dreaming about what it used to be like and what it could be like and starting looking at what it is like now. What needs to change. I know one of the things i definitely wasn’t doing was looking after myself.

How are things now? Are you OK?

xxx

[yzeal15]

I’m so sorry to hear that. Don’t be angry with yourself because of his choices. Those are his decisions. I know they effect you but don’t put more burden on yourself trying to carry the weight of his bad decisions with your own personal stress. Just think of this as more of an incentive to move on and forward with your life.

[frh92]

So we both went on the walk today and spoke about it. I said that if he didn’t do coke then our life would be completely different. i basically said that over the 9 days that he didn’t do it we got on really well and he agreed that it was much nicer for all of us. But i gave him an ultimatum, its either me and our son or drugs. Well tonight has proved what has won for me.

(this might sound a bit confusing so stay with me on this one!)

When we got home i said that we can still get a pizza and watch a film, to try and go back to normal even though i was still angry at him, negativity will do no good. Then one of his mates called and asked if he could get his dealer to get a gram in for him, as he does “good stuff” and his wife doesn’t let him do it as she is a social worker and his mate has a bad heart. I was shouting in the background as his mate knows our situation and knows that my ex is an addict and that if he was a real mate he would help him. But never the less he still went and the drugs dropped off anyway, his dealer then done a deal for him 2 grams for £70 therefore my ex gains from this deal as his mate gave him £50 for it and he get a gram for less than half price (i hate the fact that i know all of this-i’ve been around it too long now). i will be meeting his mate tomorrow as he has some car parts for my boss that my ex is fitting to my boss’s car tomorrow as my ex is a mechanic by trade and his mate is still a mechanic and can get parts at cost price for him. I have no idea what im going to say to his mate tomorrow, i really want to rip into him but at the same time there is that old saying “no point arguing with stupid” i just feel that i will get nowhere with it. What do you think i should do?

So My ex done one line in front of me which broke my heart. i hate it. but then i said to him i have no idea why you are even doing it and what is the point and i have no idea what he is getting out of it. He is only causing more pain. He ended up giving me the gram and his mates gram too. So i’m going to flush them. F$*K them!! Stupid A*seholes! it just makes me so angry.

I’m so glad that your other half hasn’t done it in a week, that really good news. How often would he use? My Ex used to do it everyday at one point when it was at its absolute worse. Oh god the pacing would drive me absolutely nuts! but i at least he is now taking it seriously.

My parents are missing my little boy like mad. i have been walking their dogs for them as they aren’t allowed out and they have been waving to him from their front door while we stand in the driveway. They can’t wait to have him over again and play with him. That will last all of 10 minutes as my little one is a bit of a handful.

My mum hasn’t been tested but we are pretty sure she has had it, she coming over the worst of it now. Yes it is very pretty, its a little village and there is a bridge i like to walk over that reminds me of my late uncle. he meant a lot to me but he passed away when i was 10. It always makes me happy thinking that i’m doing the same walk as he used to do everyday, it hasn’t changed much.

His hair is what does it for me! lol I love it! After life is a must, so good.

My ex is now in the bedroom trying to find it……..

[yzeal15]

Did he find it? Did you cuss everybody out? If you did I wish I was there to see it. LOL

I agree with you, stupid is as stupid does and you can’t fix that. He has to get tired on his own. I didn’t understand that until I got with my boyfriend. He got so bad at one point he looked like a skeleton walking around. I mean I weighted 127 lbs and he probably could have fit into my skinny jeans. He literally was trying to kill himself because his best friend that was like a brother to him died unexpectedly. He said that was the reason but I think he was depressed with his own situation in life. He told me he wanted to quit and was clean for a few months before he started to dabble in them again. He was clean this time for 15 months and he said he only did it for two weeks. He still hasn’t done anything but he goes to work tomorrow in Dallas so there is no telling what will happen.

Right now I’m stressed with transferring classes to online classes because each professor is doing something different for each class and I’m trying to keep that straight. I don’t think I take anymore distractions. He did stop the pacing because he took the dog to the vet today. God, I hate that dog. He’s so annoying and he’s not particularly found of me either. The dog is always sick, costing us money for x-rays and meds. Our vet said we had been overdosing him with one of his meds. He was only supposed to get a half of pill every other day instead daily and he could have died. If only! Don’t get me wrong I like dogs very much. I have had my dog for 15 years with no problems. This dog is just a pain in the ass. He doesn’t get along with one of our other dogs, we have 3 in total, so we have to keep them separated, or they fight. He is always underneath my boyfriend and every time I try to be affectionate it runs up and tries to wiggle his way in or takes an pose like he wants to bite me. Stupid dog. He may be worse than the drugs. Sorry I went on a tangent but my boyfriend did get out of the house, to the vet, and to Wal-Mart. I actually left to get money from the bank for rent. It felt good to be out for a bit but it’s super cold and rainy today here but it’s Texas! It may be 40 degrees today and a sunny 80 degrees tomorrow. LOL

Good news to hear your mom is doing well. I understand their missing your son. It’s a different kind of attachment. I can’t explain but hopefully one day you will experience it too.

[frh92]

No he didn’t. He was going through my draws and all my makeup, and it was under the bed! He was like a man possessed, its heartbreaking to see what the drug does to him.

So i didn’t have a go at his mate when i saw him, as my ex said if i did he wouldn’t fix my boss’s car. I’ve recently started that job and my boss is so nice to me (my boss got me a car!) so he was holding me to ransom there. So i just ended up starting him out in the car full of rage.

My ex is the same, he hasn’t had the best upbringing and his brother died at aged 7 when he was just 10 years old and he found it very difficult to get over it. i have tried to get him to talk about it to me and to professionals but he would rather bury it. He was offered counselling when his brother died but he didn’t go to it, instead he was back at school a week later. i do think that it is all connected somehow, but i also think that cocaine is very psychological and habitual. there is very much a pattern to his use and he does use me and his family as an excuse to use in my eyes. i know that might sound harsh but i just cant explain it. he would be really happy and we would be chatting one minute then he would go and get a gram and say “well we are doing shit so i thought why not?!” i just don’t understand the way he thinks, its so twisted.

Your dog sound exactly like what my parents have, although he does have a good temperament he is a pain in the arse. My parents adopted him for one of my sisters friends as she was struggling to look after him and she lived in London and didn’t have a garden, so my parents took him on and then realised what a pain in the arse he is, his name is Zebedee! He constantly has to take meds because he has bad skin and constantly has ear infections and he has anxiety and separation issues. he barks constantly at closed doors and barks from the moment he goes in the back garden to the moment he comes back into the house. (he likes to bark at the patio) my dad loves him i seriously don’t know why, i think its because hes a good walker! but my mum hates the dog! we have tried everything with him, behaviour classes, different collars, sprays, nothing works with him. We have another dog as well her name is Betty and she is so lovely, but is now really ill 🙁 shes about 7 and think she has some form of bladder cancer but my parents won’t get her operated as she is old and slow now, they are just going to make her comfortable.

It was lovely this weekend, i sat in the garden all day and had a few gin and tonics, was so nice. it was about 60 degrees on the weekend. I brought a paddling pool for my son and then looked at the whether for next weekend and its rain!! Brilliant!!

xxx

[mandz]

Hi, are you there ?

[yzeal15]

Yes, Hi!

[sam0918]

I’m right there with you this quarantine has me paranoid and worried my husband already struggles with addiction from sex alcohol and drugs he had is one of those jobs where he can still work because the government allows it but the hours are getting caught and scrub Miss can’t handle being alone or two years when she cries by The Temper Tantrum he loses it he can’t handle it and now I’m afraid with this happening but he’s going to start doing it even more and get mad at me and make me feel bad because I’m not either having sex with him or a mad because he’s doing drugs or drinking you’re not alone it’s a scary time right now in all ways

[yzeal15]

I am sorry your are in that situation. You are lucky he still has a job and some income coming in. I just came across an emergency assistance loan for students at my university and I hope and pray it comes in quick. I wish I was there to help. I know you are probably stressed out beyond belief. Just know that there is someone out there that is thinking of you. I may not respond immediately but I check this site everyday in between studying. I think there is a 5 and half hour difference but I will respond when I see your post. Hang in there and remember you are loved and supported by people who don’t know you but have gone through some of the things you have and are still trying.

Air hugs from across the pond!

[sam0918]

Thank you i needed that. He saw that i was on here and didn’t like what i posted but i told him i needed a safe place to be able to rant and feel the emotions i need to feel that i cant show him bc he wouldn’t like them. I need this because he does still have a job when millions of others don’t. Though of he ever gets drug tested he is screwed at the moment. I also told him i need tot ake care of me. Its been 8 years of not venting , not havi g anyone understand what i feel. Finding this site was a God Send

[frh92]

Hi Sam,

Hope you are ok!

I haven’t told my ex (still living together pending sales of our flat) that i’m on here either. Every time he walks in i have to close the screen or open up a spreadsheet and pretend i’m doing my work. He hates me talking to my family about my problems. To be honest i cant even be that honest with my family about what he has done to me. On here is the only place where i have been completely honest about everything.

How are things at the moment? Is it bad or good?

Look after yourself xx

[sam0918]

Not going to lie today I was kind of sucked he actually got up with her last night because we agree to having sex every other night that we he learns control and I can get nice where I can sleep and get a break well he got up with her last night because it was a non-sex night and he got mad when he woke up this morning cuz he fell asleep in her room and swore up and down I was on my phone last night instead of sleeping when I never even touched my I thought I thought he took it to with him to take care of her when apparently was on the nightstand all night didn’t even know it and he’s telling me I was a liar and then I was up all night he’s across like literally 5 feet away from in and around and he’s telling me I was on it all night when I didn’t even touched it and never went off I didn’t do anything I slept and then he got pissed because we were having a decent night last night he played with my hair and in my mind you can cuddle in bed without having sex according to him I grabbed him in the middle of the night and he got pissed because we didn’t have sec I don’t remember any of that I believe you can freaking cuddle in bed without having sex and he got mad and now he’s at work and he saying that I can call my boyfriend and tell him to come over and he’ll let me know when he leaves for lunch when I’m sitting here playing with her daughter because she’s got a doll house and block and on here I can’t even talk to my mom about this and she’s been the relationship because my biological father was the same way except he didn’t do drugs he was just very aggressive and ownership like and he just sent me a text message and it didn’t say delivered said delivered it didn’t say read and I got at the same time he sent a text saying will what does it say delivered I got it up Sim X how to screenshot it to prove to him that I got both of his messages at the same time and that there was no leeway it’s ridiculous and he’ll go through my messages and through my phone history to make sure everything adds up

[yzeal15]

Hi Sam,

Do you have boyfriend on the side? If so, that would be a great distraction from his mess. It seems he is gas lighting you to keep you in a constant state of anxiety and confusion to undermine your sanity. My ex was like that, I thought i was freaking crazy. I don’t know if this will help but I tried to do 4 things in mind while he ranted and raved about stuff. 1. I’d just stop and start to breath real slowly and I would just look and listen to him. Just taking it all in. 2. I’d try to grab little pieces of what he as jabbering about and i would just nod. 3. I’d be thinking, with no expression on my face, God he looks like (fill in the blank with something funny to me or you in this case) and I’d leave the room or turn over after he finished ranting 4. I’d try my hardest because he would often try to make me feel bad about myself, I’d think of one thing that would make me happy or has made me happy that didn’t concern him in any way. I don’t know if this will help but just stopping and staring real quietly at a man causes them to feel inadequate for some reason. My ex would say that i could call my boyfriend, blah, blah, blah and I was like if I had one i wouldn’t be here with you joker. LOL. i don’t know if those steps will help, i’m just speaking from my own experience but I hope you make a least a few minutes everyday to just sit and breath.

Air hug – XXX

[sam0918]

Oh no I’m constantly breathing and trying to ignore him and I don’t have a boyfriend on the side and I say the same thing you said to your ex I’m so they’re going and I say it to him I said if I had a boyfriend on the side I wouldn’t be here I wouldn’t be tolerating you and dealing with your s*** and he just doesn’t get it in it’ll get so bad to wear heels Forum upstairs and I won’t fall and I’ll stay down here with my daughter and I’ll be playing with her and he’ll come down here and intensely start trying to cause another fight and I’m one of those I will remove myself in the situation he got mad because I was showing too much caring and constantly trying to ask him where he’s going and what he’s doing he told me I wasn’t his mother to stop and then when I freaking stop and I showed no emotion and I don’t do anything and I don’t care and I ignoring he gets mad over that I said you can’t have it both ways to pick what you want I said cuz at this point it’s getting to where I don’t give two shifts what you do you’re lucky I don’t have a boyfriend on the side because I wouldn’t be here and he just doesn’t get it and it’s it’s insane and then he goes it’s not the cocaine that’s making me paranoid I just don’t trust you I haven’t done anything known to earn your trust I don’t have friends I don’t have social media and it’s because it’s ex-wife he hasn’t been with and like 12 years cheated on him

[yzeal15]

Hi,

How are you doing today?

I’m happy your breathing 🙂 Ughh I remember those days were your “danged if you do, and danged if you don’t” interact with him. It’s so maddening. I finally just shut down and my ex knew something was wrong with me but he kept up his craziness.

What things do you do that you consider fun when he’s not around?

How old is your daughter?

How is she handling being stuck inside?

I think guys are just as bad as women are carrying over crappy things that happened to them in their last relationship. My boyfriend would say stuff like, “my ex did the same thing you’re doing and blah, blah, blah”, all the time. I told him one day he could take his a** back to her since she’s on your mind all the time. Needless to say he was mad at a long time, but at least he was quiet for a while. LOL

[dfh]

You guys are in the same boat as me then I guess? My husband is an addict – crack and heroin. On the face of it has a family man, loves his wife and 3 girls but on the real side he’s an addict who is never home, always out, rarely provides and yes on occasion has taken my car. I now hide my keys. So he has been like this for years, I left once but it still didn’t fix things. In the years after he carried on. January I thought we turned a corner. Turns out it was 6 weeks of having my husband back and now has back to being an addict again. It’s now to the point where I have to find a mortgage and a house and financially support myself and 3 kids. While he blows his wages and pawns his stuff.

He’s saying he needs rehab so will see how that pans out.

In the meantime I will carry on, distance myself and just see what happens.

Wanted to post this so you know you are definatley not alone.

Stay safe xx

[yzeal15]

Hey, thanks for sharing!

I remember hiding my keys. I hope he takes advantage of rehab and it helps him. I’m happy your okay and can take care of your kids. It feels good to have so many people out there to talk and share with. The struggle with them is so hard combined with every day problems. I hope distancing yourself works best for you and you and your family stay safe throughout this pandemic.

Air Hugs !

[Author]

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