[bellapop]

Hello everyone,

I have written many posts about my husband and his substance addiction, but I think he has gone this time. Or I’m unsure if he is going through the motions again. His pattern goes like this every three weeks:

1) He uses and tries to keep it a secret. I find out, and he shamefully leaves no matter how much I beg him to stay and sort things out.

2) His bender then continues.

3) He then sends me abuse or is passive, telling me we’re not good together, that he can’t promise to change and that his usage isn’t a big deal. He acts like he’s had a big revelation about our marriage and that he will be better off alone. He acts recklessly, looks for a new house, and genuinely thinks he’s better without me. (This is the worst stage.)

4) He then hides and sleeps at his parent’s house for days. He doesn’t eat or leave his old bedroom and turns his phone off.

5) He then asks to see the children or turns up at the house. He turns up and looks dreadful. He then sees that the house is clean and organised, the kids are happy, the dogs are walked, and I’m holding everything together, working full time, doing a degree with three children and two dogs.

6) He realises the world has been turning without him, and his life falls apart. He cries, begs and promises change. I fall for it, and we gravitate towards each other without a second thought. He moves everything back in like nothing has ever happened.

7) The first week back together is fragile. I’m unsure if I have made the right choice, and I’m wary of his actions. He is positive and practically bouncing around the house because he remembers what home comforts are like.

8) The second week back together is his best. He takes me out and makes plans with the kids, and we are genuinely grateful for each other. I begin to kiss him and fall for the false promises. It’s wonderful.

9) Then, week three. It’s almost as if he has me appeased by the previous two weeks, and it happens again. We return to stage 1 and move through to stage 9 again.

I’m currently at stage 2; we were on holiday when he used this time. It was MDMA, and he came home early, packed his things and vanished. I spoke to him today. I begged and pleaded with him, but it’s like talking to a brick wall; he’s all, “Mhmmm, yep, yep, sorry you feel that way.” When I’m on my knees crying and telling him, he’s my world. He’s asking for a divorce and has told the children that he will soon have his own house for them all to spend time in. I don’t know where or what he’s doing, and I have blocked him. I can’t do this anymore at all. I have previously taken a severe overdose over all of this, and I need to think about my commitments to my children, work and degree… Easier said than done eh?

I would really appreciate an insight into this as an outsider please and any advice that could be offered would be gratefully appreciated.

 

xx

[kulstar]

Hi Bellapop. My take on the stages as a former addict. 1 – the pull of the drug is too great and running away is easier than to stay as he knows he can’t use. The thought of not using puts him a in a fight or flight response so chooses to flight so he can continue using.

Stage 3 – feeling sorry for yourself but knowing he has to continue living life but with the drug still in his life. This stage is critical for recovery because it’s all about consequence. Again, because he’s looking for a new future with the drug in it the consequence isn’t severe enough for it to have sunk in that this will add no value to his life. My recovery started here when I had the realisation that I deserved a better future with loved ones. The consequence of losing it all was too great even though previously I had already envisaged this would happen. Having my kids effected was my realisation that I needed to change. Rather than looking at ways out it was more about ways into my existing life just without the coke.

Stages 7 and 8 are when I really used to feel great but my reward system was geared so that while I was in Stage 8 the bender was my reward. My brain had been hardwired to accept this. When you recover as an addict you realise that Stage 8 can be permanent and that life really is so much more. Addicts fall into a fallacy that the way to reward is to get on it. In fact so many of us work hard during the week to then get wrecked at the weekend that we forget to live. Trying to break the reward cycle is hard but it has to begin with Stage 3 (consequence).

[bellapop]

Thank you so much for your insight; this makes complete sense from your point of view. It’s just so terrible from mine. I am currently ignoring him completely. He’s blocked on everything, which is how it’s staying. His manipulation has given me PTSD to the point that even hearing from him makes me panic. I have since found out that I have been portrayed to be an absolute nightmare to everyone around him. Apparently, I am controlling, nasty and a gatekeeper to our finances. This could not be further from the truth! He blows every penny of our finances and then borrows from everyone around him, telling them I have blown our money. His spin on everything has always been that everyone else is at fault, my cousin was the drug pusher when in reality I have come to find out it’s ALL him. My cousin doesn’t even use!!

 

I don’t understand how his mind works and I guess I never will but enough is finally enough.

Thank you for such an insightful response x

[Author]

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