[kulstar]

Hi Bellapop. My take on the stages as a former addict. 1 – the pull of the drug is too great and running away is easier than to stay as he knows he can’t use. The thought of not using puts him a in a fight or flight response so chooses to flight so he can continue using.

Stage 3 – feeling sorry for yourself but knowing he has to continue living life but with the drug still in his life. This stage is critical for recovery because it’s all about consequence. Again, because he’s looking for a new future with the drug in it the consequence isn’t severe enough for it to have sunk in that this will add no value to his life. My recovery started here when I had the realisation that I deserved a better future with loved ones. The consequence of losing it all was too great even though previously I had already envisaged this would happen. Having my kids effected was my realisation that I needed to change. Rather than looking at ways out it was more about ways into my existing life just without the coke.

Stages 7 and 8 are when I really used to feel great but my reward system was geared so that while I was in Stage 8 the bender was my reward. My brain had been hardwired to accept this. When you recover as an addict you realise that Stage 8 can be permanent and that life really is so much more. Addicts fall into a fallacy that the way to reward is to get on it. In fact so many of us work hard during the week to then get wrecked at the weekend that we forget to live. Trying to break the reward cycle is hard but it has to begin with Stage 3 (consequence).

[bellapop]

Thank you so much for your insight; this makes complete sense from your point of view. It’s just so terrible from mine. I am currently ignoring him completely. He’s blocked on everything, which is how it’s staying. His manipulation has given me PTSD to the point that even hearing from him makes me panic. I have since found out that I have been portrayed to be an absolute nightmare to everyone around him. Apparently, I am controlling, nasty and a gatekeeper to our finances. This could not be further from the truth! He blows every penny of our finances and then borrows from everyone around him, telling them I have blown our money. His spin on everything has always been that everyone else is at fault, my cousin was the drug pusher when in reality I have come to find out it’s ALL him. My cousin doesn’t even use!!

 

I don’t understand how his mind works and I guess I never will but enough is finally enough.

Thank you for such an insightful response x

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