[pickles]

Hi 4 years ago i had progressively got into Cocaine not knowing the extent at the time jow bad it had got as you become very good at lying etc, i was martied 3 children and had become friends with this new vibrant youbger mum at the school life seemed more fun. Then as our friendship evolved she and her partner was selling it so most times i had for free and i became gutty. Then as money started to become less i stole from my parents safe, got my middle son at the time whilst they were away to climb through a window to let me in, drew down money on my 2nd mortgage all to which now i’m horrified. Then one day with alcohol and that i went completely mad taken to police station where i finally admitted what i was doing and was told the state i looked i wouldnt of gone on too much longer. My marriage eventually broke down as i went to groups met someone who was recovering alcoholic and over period of time we got close and was seeing each other year and half wrong move again! but 4 years on from that day ive not touched it and im aware safe place, right people etc. What i get so upset every day about is that my 16 year old i know hates me deep down although im still in the marital hone struggling terribly but i try to be good mum try to make up to my children who i do love very much but there is only so much saying im sorry, i punish myself daily always will for the shame. I do get annoyed that after 20 years my husband said he didnt know but to go from health 9st to 7st 10 how did he not know, why did he leave us so easy, why is he having such a great life, holidays and flashing the cash yet sees his children once a fortnight doesnt help anymore than that, ive asked him to help with mortgage costs etc but no.He could pay for a solicitor in court and had more than a good pay off all cash for him lied in court saying he was going to get a flat etc yet we nearly got reposseesed and he was nowhere to be seen and said no extra mobey to help his kids not have anymore worries. I am beside myself on this as i feel what can i do what do they all want me to do, my father although spesks niw and again to me deep down probably would rather see me dead. So i dont know what more i can say or do. Im proving that im there for my children a good mum there fed well and looked afer but honestly what more? i dobt work for 2 reasons first it is not beneficial the other is the depression that hits me like a truck. I just hope that someone reads this and sees what a awful substance this is. Turns you into a awful deceitful person someone i dont want to see again.

[icarus-trust]

Hi Pickles,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like you are really strong, have done so well to be free of the addiction and are working hard to be a good mum for your children. I am sure that your story will give hope to others who are in similar situations.
I expect you have had some support but if you want any further help you could contact The Icarus Trust.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck with everything and keep strong.

[pickles]

I have no support at all and deflating day by day as some people ie my parents etc dont seem to want me to forget even after all this time it seems as though i have to pay for my wrongs for the rest of my life. I find with relationships i take pity on them and seem to want to look after them ywt i never get this in return. i have no idea looking forward and cry over the simple things and dwell on the past and the life i completetly threw away. Myself and ex husband are on nice talking terms and i hear through my childrem shes not exactly into kids as has none herself and hope if i prove myself be that person i once was will he come home. ?

[Author]

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