[lostinwonderland]

In february 2018 i made the brave decision to leave my ex partner and report him to the police…..he had been raping me for 2 and a half years……thats where the cocaine started. He would buy it for us all the time and i couldnt say no because it helped me cope. I’d done cocaine before but on a sat night with the girls. This was different, i began to use it as a way to cope with what was happening and then i went from wanting it to needing it. I thought it would stop when i left him but it didn’t it carried on. With every police interview, court case, appointments i would turn to coke to get me through. Then i started to need it just to get through the day. I used it to cope with the flashbacks i have the nightmares the trauma i went through. But the problem is now i cant stop but i so desperately want to be able to face what happened without cocaine. He has caused so much damage and i feel like he still is because of the cocaine i feel like he still has some control. I lie and deceive everyone i care about just to get cocaine and i hate everything about it. I’ve found a narcotics anonymous near me and referred myself to CAIS but there is a 6week waiting list and i want to stop now i want to have more control i want to take back control. In the last few weeks i plucked up the courage to tell my support worker and my mum, i thought my whole world was going to fall apart but they have been really supportive and i feel better for telling them i feel like its the first step and not a dirty secret. Its also made me feel less pathetic and guilty as they have helped me realise it was my way of coping just not a very good one…….someone please tell me i can have a life free of this awful drug and face the world on my own

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