[chlo]

It’s been a 13 year long battle with my brother. He was just 16 when he tried some coke at a party and before he knew it his life spirelled out of control. I was 10 years old when I got in the car with my heartbroken mum to go and find him after discovering that £2000 was missing from some private funds my father (his step father) had gone missing.He admitted that he was using cocaine regularly and that he took the money bit by bit and was planning on putting it back. Fast forward two years of credit card loans my poor mum took out to feed him and put him in b&b’s hotels ect so he didn’t end up on the street after my dad kicked him out the house.

Me (a child) and my mum would beg him religiously to stop and that we would do anything we could to help, doctors, counselling sessions, drug advisors you name it we did it.

I grew up very quickly and by the time I was 12 I was fully fledged in being able to detect his lies. My dad decided to let him stay home he seemed to be doing a bit better the last few weeks and we went on holiday (without my brother). Half way through the holiday we received a call from police telling my hardworking dad that his life savings of multiple thousands had gone and that he had just £500 left. Heartbroken didn’t cut it, out house was turned upside down he had done some of the most disgusting things possible, I had no clothes at all due to the prostitutes he had over that stole them. I was 12 and they literally stole my clothes and underwear.

My dad didn’t speak to him for 2 years until we fought and fought and got him a 8 month spot in a residential rehab and all I can remember was my mum (who weight about 7 stone at this point and had more wrinkles that McCoy’s crisps) breaking down in the car watching him go, she was relieved and so was I. Rehab was amazing I love visiting my brother was recovered he was so kind and caring and just as he was as a child back in the good days.

He came out and got a job and was working really hard I was so happy. I spent my 15th birthday thinking I was on top of the world as he rejoined the house for the first time in years and gave our dad a hug. I was so unbelievably proud.

I’d spent many many nights worried about not only my brother but my mum and her financial situation she was in thousands of pounds of debt now and there were no savings left as he had taken them all.

He had his first relapse about a year after rehab and we were so gutted, we moved him with my aunt who lived in the countryside and he soon got back on his feet. 2 years passed and he bought his first car, we were so proud. He quickly started to fall back in with the wrong people and when we later moved near my aunt we found out he had lost his job and was back on coke. He ended up in hospital after a month, he had overdosed on coke, alcohol and prescribed medication. We were beside ourselves we didn’t know what to do, we had gone down every avenue imaginable he had been all over the country (literally) starting ‘fresh’ and ended up robbing those who tried to help until it was just me and my mum left. No one wanted to help anymore, he had robbed my grandmother, cousin, Aunty, me, his friends. When addding it up as an approximate figure he has blown nearing £80,000 on coke and hookers and believe me we are not a rich family.

He eventually came home to us for another chance of being clean after being toutured by his relapses and ‘attemps’ At suicide. He was doing okay he got another job, he was being lovely and kind. But no, we tried to go on another holiday, we actually got my cousin to baby sit him for the week but she messaged me on the 2nd day to tell me he has been doing cocaine all over the house, he’d stole a small amount of money off my dad again and took his alcohol. When we got home I forced him to go and see the doctor I begged and pleaded and cried on his shoulder. He was sat on the edge of his bed and I hugged him, I confessed to him I was so scared, so so scared that he was going to die. And so much to my surprise he decided to go to the doctor who admitted him to a mental health hospital. He was in there 2 months but they wouldn’t help, they saw ‘drugs’ on the health record and said exactly this ‘he isn’t Ill, he’s a drug user we cannot diagnose a drug user, it’s not a mental health problem’ I went off my fucking head I begged and pleaded and so did my vacant mother.

They wouldn’t help and so he left and went to live with a friend he has met in the hospital. He started to use heroin and crack and overdosed again on heroin admitting to me at a later date he wanted it all to end he hated himself and he hated his life. I brought him home again after much persuasion to my dad. He came home and agreed reluctantly to try a place called betal which is a charity run help residential help centre (similar to a rehab but Christian based). He went and he ran away, spent a night on the street with a homeless lady and I begged him to go back again, they luckily agreed to let him do this. He spent 2 months there. My mum was so pleased the poor thing, she managed to put on some weight and kind of have some fun although it was never too much fun. He ran off again. Swore he wouldn’t go back saying that he didn’t need to be there he could do this now with our help he was ‘ready’. He came home AGAIN I paid the travel and food money of course…. he was so good he prayed every day and was just different to the other times. We spent an amazing Christmas together all of us as a family happy and laughing thinking it was all over and done and he has learnt his lesson. Well, 4 weeks a go he admitted he had been using again after being clean for 6 months. I was disappointed but obviously not shocked. I forgave him and thought it might be a blip and he agreed to give us his money to look after it so he didn’t blow it up his fucking nose. He had taken £600 from my mum pretending his wages were going in her bank and they actually weren’t he was so convincing when he lied. Which if you are reading this you will know exactly how well addicts lie.

A day later she looked in her purse and her bank card had gone. My grandmother gave my mum £2000 for our dogs knee operation and he had fucking stolen it. After all the money he’s stole and all the money she’s given him he actually went into her purse in the middle of a full house and just took it.

I don’t know where he is or what he is doing and I’m very sad and worried but there comes a point where you have to be really strong and let them be. We have tried everything and if anything ever happened now the guilt of leaving him would stay with me for as long as I live but I’m 22. I spent my childhood mainly looking after my mum and trying to keep the family together somehow and trying to cure a 30 year old mans drug problem. Sometimes you have to let go, sometimes there is nothing more you can do but live in hope that they want to someday change.

I understand you when you feel like no body in the world understands because they DON’T. It’s your story, it’s your pain and there is no right or wrong way of doing things. As you can imagine there is far far more to my story, many more emotions and horrendous situations we have been in (dealers with baseball bats knocking on our front door threatening us, knives to my brothers neck whilst my mum quickly took another loan to pay him off) and I hope I can help anyone else any other poor soul who’s lived through this along the way because it’s hard, really fucking hard.

I live in hope that now that I recover from the pain and confusion I have inside me and that I hear my brother is properly clean. But until then I am prepared for the worst and hopeful for the best. It will end one way or another sadly.

[bruno]

I understand everything you have said it’s was like someone telling my story , my son has done all that and more we tried rehab and mental health route without any luck , he’s staying with us for a couple of weeks as he’s says his cocaine problem of 10 years need to stop , I love him but I don’t trust him . I hope your brother is safe and well somewhere and 1 day he comes back to you all . My thoughts are with you x

[Author]

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