Consequences

Myownlife

3 replies

Consequences

Long story short, my husband is a functioning alcoholic. Spends all his money on fags and booze. We’ve been together 30 years. The last 5 or so years I done some self help and I know now (after trying very hard) that I can’t fix him. I must not enable him. I’ve got off the merry-go-round and left him to it although we still live together. We don’t share a room and I often go away on my own and I’m enjoying my life. Its hard watching someone you love destroying themselves slowly. He has a strong family history of alcohol abuse and also heart problems. This week his lifestyle has caught up with him and he had chest pain and an ecg shows something wrong with his heart and he’s been fast tracked to cardiology. Myself and our two grown children are not surprised at all. He seems to have been on a mission for make this happen, like a form of self-harm!

I just wanted to write here with people who will understand that although I love and care for him, he has done this to himself, he knew the risks. I want to carry on my life, I put mine on hold too long and I don’t want to be a carer for him. This has been my main worry over the years. I think when people find out they will feel sorry for him and expect me to be upset as if we are still a couple, but our relationship isn’t like that any more. It’s not that I’m heartless, I’ve just had to detach my self to protect myself. I suppose I’m just feeling anxious that it would be easy to fall back into old habits and try to fix him.
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Maybe writing here is a way of setting a boundary with myself that I must not do that for my sake and his. He has to deal with the consequences and fix himself.</p>
Feel better and stronger now I’ve got that off  my chest 😄

Thanks for reading.

  • Lozzy80
    Participant

    Hi,

    Good to see boundaries even though it’s so tough to do , and hopefully writing here has helped you reinforce those boundaries

    … I haven’t been able to keep my boundaries for long, struggling to understand why but think it’s to do with my own lack of self worth 😔

    It’s all coming home to roost for me now, both my physical and mental health is shot ..I wish I could go back 5 years when I almost left him….I should have done.

    How do you cope living with him? I find it so hard as my husband is very beligerant – which I am learning to ignore , but I cannot ignore how vulnerable he is when he is totally wasted – unsteady on his feet , and like he has dementia so I am there trying my best to keep him safe whilst he is also saying the most hurtful things trying to goad me into an argument.

    I hope I can set my own boundaries soon and be mentally free even if have to still live with him

    .

  • swazzie
    Participant

    I am new here and just need to offload.

    My partner of 20 years has had a difficult relationships with alcohol for a long time but he has managed it. Over recent years this has developed into a coke habit as well. We live a nice life, have good jobs, and a teen son we adore. I just can’t see how to marry that up with a man that vanishes, blows loads of money and doesn’t worry about the consequences for us. When he is using he always forgets about us completely but I now feel I have lost who he is all together. He only ever thinks about him. He has ruined the last three weekends by getting wasted and checking into hotels in the middle of the night.

    My son already has some anxiety issues and he refuses to accept the tension and uncertainty in the house could contribute to this. He is a good dad 90% of the time but just can’t hold it together. I also find him more selfish and bad tempered the rest of the time as well now.

    I can’t talk to anyone about this as I know the people who love me would tell me to leave. I think the problem is, I think it would be much better for my mental health if I left but how do I reconcile that with breaking up our family and the impact on my son. I feel like I am being held hostage because my husband knows I would do anything for my son, whatever the impact for me.

    I have tried putting in boundaries but he just breaks them. And then I feel ashamed that I don’t follow through.

    I am not sure if I love him but I do love my family. It is excruciating.

  • careaboutyou
    Participant

    Dear Myownlife,

    I understand what you’re going through as my late husband was an alcoholic, it was devastating.

    You are nearly there, nearly free. Just because he has driven himself into this, the alcoholism and now the cardiac problems, this is not your fault. You know this, your grown up children know this. You are not heartless, I can’t believe that you have suffered with him for 30 years, you say that the last 5 years have been worse and it will only get worse. As you say, you have tried everything and cannot fix him, you deserve to live a happy life of your own and that means leaving and living somewhere else. You sound like a strong and together person and that is why he has been draining your energy all these years.

    Other people will understand if you explain all the facts and the full situation. Don’t be afraid to speak out, tell the truth about what has really been going on and don’t be ashamed, it’s his problem not yours. What ever happens to him, happens and that’s up to him to control.

    Wishing you all the strength in the world and good luck!

     

     

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