[forestcat1]

Hello, here’s my story. Wondering if it’s a familiar one to some people?

My H has been a really heavy drinker/alcoholic (3-4 x 8.2% 500 ml cider bottles a night as standard or bottle of wine, sometimes more depending on stress etc) for 20 years due to work stress and lack of self-esteem, he’s also diabetic and suffers from clinical depression so has been on anti-depressants along with the alcohol. Last year he was made redundant – in a horrible way – undermined, big shock. He totally lost ALL self-esteem and started drinking more and more and letting himself go. My mother was seriously ill last summer, coinciding exactly with when my H left work and i had to look after her away for 2 months, during which time my H went for it with the drinking. I then discovered that his first girlfriend (who is anorexic, serious anxiety disorders, regular suicide attempts) had contacted him via Facebook and basically worked on him with flattery til they met up in November and he just went for it with an affair. He was desperate to give up alcohol and escape anything to do with his work so he’s ditched all his friends as well as me, and anyone connected with his work (he says he wants something new and wants to be a different person).

He’s kept off alcohol for 5 months and he and the new woman are supposedly ‘helping each other’ with their issues. I’ve been told that a chemical called dopamine is released during an affair or first stages of love, it’s the same chemical that’s released when people drink alcohol – the feel good chemical! But it wears off, then there’s trouble again unless they’ve REALLY sorted their drinking. My H is just avoiding his own problems by getting involved in all this woman’s dramatic problems (and trading one obsession for another I’m told). The woman is very manipulative – she had a failed suicide attempt about a month ago, before that my AH was coming home every week and texting me all the time, after the suicide attempt that all stopped so I can really only see the attempt as manipulative.

I’ve suffered and been denied so much due to AH’s alcohol problems (emotional abuse, being unable to have a familiy because of it). Now my AH is doing EVERYTHING he should have done for our marriage and many things that I suggested – not drinking, eating healthily, exercising etc and of course he’s feeling better but is saying it’s all because of the new woman. He also does things like thanking me for teaching him how to behave properly in a relationship (!) and says that he feels so guilty about this new woman because her father was a drinker and caused a lot of problems so he wants to give up for her. He seems to have zero guilt about what he’s ACTUALLY done to me rather than what someone else has done to this woman! It is really perverse, but I guess this is alcoholism. The new woman is a big problem as I said it seems that every time she wants to draw my AH closer to her she threatens suicide. She can’t work due to her issues and her husband is bankrupt, I feel my H is very vulnerable and I have to be very careful about what he will try and do (eg. now wanting to sell our house) to get money. I’m told there’s no way their relationship can last long-term because they’re using each other in a very selfish way and it’s like the blind leading the blind because they both have such serious issues.

It’s very hard to take as you can imagine. If it’s any help to anyone I got some clarity when I went to a family support group the other day – they told me that alcoholics need our attention and sympathy and when they’re not getting it they look for it elsewhere. Anyone been through anything similar? Good luck to everyone.

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