[jajoso]

4 weeks after my post about my partner admitting he still uses coke, I’m back again looking for help and advice
The last few weeks have been a yo yo of me finishing with him, him winning me back with broken promises. I stupidly believed he’d been clean the last few weeks. I caught him using at the weekend and ended it. I had had enough of feeling worthless and mentally drained. I told him I needed space to think.
Today his luck finally run out and he was arrested and this means he will loose his job and home. He was told by the doctor he’d be dead if he carried on. He called me to tell me this was his wake up call and he has taken himself to rehab. He has never done this before.

what I’m asking is for help or advice on what I should do?  Part of me wants to give him this final chance to finally get clean and be the man I fell in love with. Can we move forward in our relationship after all the lies and deceit? Or is it too late?

this morning I was ready to leave because he was still lying to me and saying he didn’t have a problem
this afternoon it’s completely changed to knowing he has a problem and getting help
I have always felt second best and like he was using me and maybe he still is? Does it make me a horrible person if I walk away and let him recovery and have his own journey? Or do recovering addicts need as much love and support as possible?
what were your experiences of being with someone who started the recovery process? What should I expect?
I am already mentally and emotionally drained. I don’t know if I have anything left to give.. I love him with all my heart and scared he will become the man he pretend to be and if I give up on him now he will move on and be with someone else.

my head is a complete mess. Heart says one thing and brain says another. I know I sound pathetic and stupid and at time I hate myself for being so weak

[paw_x]

Hi Jajoso,

I don’t think you should feel obligated to stand by someone who’s destroying you, and especially not just because they’ve had one day of clarity and said they’ll change. It takes much more than that.

I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said. My partner started relapsing last May after 3 years of sobriety from cocaine. It ruined his life then and it did it again. I stuck by him after the relapses and he promised he’d sorted it, it was all fine. It wasn’t. He was hiding it, costing us thousands of pounds, and now I’m sitting in a house we bought in the height of his addiction (unbeknownst to me) without him not knowing how long we’ll be here as there’s no guarantee what he’s doing will work. I kicked him out just a couple months after we moved in as it got worse and worse. He lost his job and he was contributing almost nothing, every bit of furniture in here I bought myself.

After I kicked him out he started sorting things out – and not a moment before. He got a sponsor and just a week or so in, he said he had to ask me if I would stand by him during the recovery process. He knows now that that was wrong of him. He’d lied to me for a year, had me uproot my life with my daughter to be trapped in this house I can’t afford myself – and had the cheek to expect a commitment from me? Absolutely not. I made the mistake of letting him move back in after 3 weeks and he started lying again – he struggled with his new job with the triggers as work was where he’d used, and was secretly taking painkillers. I kicked him out again and he isn’t coming home anytime soon.

He’s doing really well but he’s at meetings every night and I’m at the gym, we go for walks with our dog most days and that’s about it. He wants more but his wants have always come before mines – not anymore. It isn’t enough to say you want to recover – let him show you. As the recovery process is long and chances are things might get worse for him before they get better. Mines was doing well and randomly took an overdose and got into serious trouble just a few weeks ago. And that’s months of meetings in, not just saying “I’m going to go to rehab” one day. He needs to do this for him and you need time and space to decide what you want. This is your life, and you aren’t obligated to spend it miserable.

You don’t have to cut it off completely if your mental health can handle still being in touch, but I found that boundaries really helped me think straight to try and heal from all the trauma in the last year. Maybe over time he’ll show you the progress he’s made and eventually you’ll end up together again. But maybe not. I just know that standing by my partner did nothing except cost me my mental health and well-being, I made myself ill. And it sounds like the relationship wasn’t entirely happy beforehand? My partner was everything to me before all this, and even now he’s still extremely respectful of me and me having my space. If he was anything else, I’d have turned my back without a second glance.

Make sure you’re taking care of you first and foremost x

[jajoso]

Hi Paw,

Thank you for your reply. I think I have decided to take a step back, it helps we do not live together and I’ve said we can spend one night/day at the weekend together. And take it from there.

I can’t and won’t babysit him during the week, I will crack on with my own life, find new hobbies and take time out for myself. My thinking is he has to dig deep and learn to avoid his triggers. If he really wants to be clean he can do it. Nothing I do or say can change what happens. I am going to give him space and try to detach myself from him.
His moods and behaviour have effected me for a long time. If he is happy I am happy etc.. I’m not giving him that power anymore. I want to try and detach myself from him and learn to love myself. I’ve realised I’ve lost myself a lot over the years we have been together 🙁

[paw_x]

Exactly – you need to start changing the power dynamic around. You control your life, and he controls his. It’s too much to expect you to be fully in the recovery process with him, as this isn’t your problem, it’s his. And from what I’m told, if he has any chance at success, he’ll need to immerse himself in recovery. So he should be busy enough with that that and in the meantime you try and find yourself again. For me it was as simple as little things like reading books, doing some self care like skincare, going to the gym to de-stress, and just making an effort to look after myself. Which sounds silly but when you’ve been with an addict for a while, you don’t even realise how much you’ve lost yourself trying to take care of them.

I also limit my time around him as I’m still angry at what he did to us and our family. And that’s not helpful to his recovery, but sometimes he needs to hear it. There’s no way I would want him here all the time while I feel like this. It wouldn’t help either of us. Mines isn’t perfect in recovery – he’s at times prioritised his new recovery friends over all his existing family, and at the moment I don’t want him home. I don’t miss him here, being honest. He can be selfish and a burden in the household, and if we ever make it, he’ll need to change a lot. These are all things I realised after he left, as it gives you time to think and process things with a clear head.

I know the Famanon ladies have said similar things to you there, they really helped me deal with this and let go of wanting to have control, as you realise you have none. If he changes, great, but your mental health and your life matters, never sacrifice it for him. You deserve to be happy, with or without him x

[jajoso]

Thank you so much.. I know what I need to do. It’s just going to be hard doing it because it feels like I’m being selfish xx

[SoberSW28]

I am in recovery. I am only 47 days in and it has been hard. I have a boyfriend who is learning to live with and love me now I am sober. I am becoming a different person, a better person. This doesn’t excuse the lies I’ve told or the hurt that I have caused.

What recovery is teaching me is that there is a solution and there is hope. Addicts can change and remain sober.

Their sobriety is nothing to do with you though. You are not responsible for the choices that they make. You aren’t responsible for their happiness. You should protect yourself and do what is right for you. Appreciate the changing person as they go through recovery, but remember you aren’t in control and neither is the addict.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope your partner gets sober.

[Author]

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