[ostrich84]

I’m not sure what I want from writing this post about my mum. Maybe some solidarity I don’t know, maybe just to vent. If anyone has any advice or is going through something similar it would be great to hear from you. I’m just so tired and sad.

My mum goes through bad phases of drinking, on and off. I think this has been happening since I was a kid. Rehab, even been arrested, various dealings with the police after fights with my father, repeatedly losing credit cards etc, been brought home in a police car for being drunk and disorderly. Etc. Over the years I have tried things like asking her to join AA, go to rehab, I’ve tried staying with her to help her understand how seriously I want to help her. I still continue to hope she will sort her shit out and she just breaks my heart time and time again.

I have a 3 year old and a 4 month old. I moved back to my hometown to be near my parents as my two brothers like overseas and they no longer have family nearby. I also thought it would be nice for my kids to have a close relationship with their grandparents, which they do to a certain extent.

However I cannot trust my mum to look after them. She always goes on about how she wants them to stay hers, or how she could help with night feeds etc. I feel guilty about being worried about my own mum looking after my kids (sometimes I think I’m being OTT) but she keeps letting me down.

Once I met her over the park with the two boys and thought she seemed a bit squiffy – then I heard the vodka bottle jangling in her coat pocket. I invite my parents over at least once a week for lunch / to play with the kids, and she regularly sneaks small bottles of vodka into her handbag and will go to the bathroom to drink them, thinking we don’t know (we do). I had to go to the dentists and entrusted her to look after my baby; I came back less than 2 hours later and she was tipsy. After this I was furious but also felt like what’s the point talking to her when she’s drunk, she doesn’t listen or remember. So I spoke to her a separate time – when she was sober – and really felt like I was making headway. I explained I felt I could

not leave the kids with her. Got her to speak to her GP, start working thru a self help book etc. (The GP just referred her to a local support group which she has apparently tried before and will not be trying again: so that was no go). I Was genuinely impressed for a couple of weeks, she stopped drinking, stopped losing things, started being more coherent.

But today I agreed to let her look after my 3 year old and was absolutely gutted when she turned up back at ours having had something to drink. It was 12.15. She then told me she had been to the off licence with my son and had drunk “a taster” from the shop (sure) in the alleyway 5 mins from my home. As if this was all meant to be fine because she was nearly home. My son also had his shoes on the wrong feet. I am furious and disgusted with her but I am also tired of arguing and trying to have her see sense. I have told her again that she will no longer be allowed to be with my kids alone.

I find it incredibly sad that I can’t count on my mum, as a mum myself I find it heartbreaking to imagine my kids thinking this kind of thing about me. As a kid I used to stay at my grandparents all the time and loved it, but that won’t be an option with my parents. Explaining this to my mum doesn’t have any affect on her behaviour. She didn’t even say sorry today, just said she would think the same if she was in my position. I know she is ill but to be honest I’m struggling with a few things and wish I could count on her instead of spending all my time and energy worrying about her.

Do I just accept I will not be able to have the relationship I want to have with her?

[danman83]

Hiya, hope you are OK?

Such a sad story and I’ve seen it Alot the effects off alcohol and drugs.

My problem is coke, I got my best clean time the other week, 4 month clean then relapsed. Now I’m back not using again.

I had been using 12 years. I tried everything to stop, I always said I’ll never ever join CA, I hate talking in front of people ect. But I joined and its helped me so much. Its the same aspect as AA. Your mum could even join CA it’s exactly the same and some prefer CA than AA.

1st off your mum is definitely an alcoholic which I’m sure you know. Secondly if you want her to get better, she has to want to quit for herself, she needs to feel like she’s had enough of drinking each day, what it’s doing to her and wants help. You can want her to as much as you want, she will just do a half arsed attempt at getting better and your flogging a dead horse.

If she’s drinking like this and hiding, my suggestion is either rehab, get her a good start. Or join CA or AA, she needs to work the 12 steps if you know what these are, you have to start to believe in a higher power, doesn’t have to be god. One of the steps we do is step 4, resentments.. This is like things we hold onto from the past, that we constantly think of that hurt us and cause us to use, even without knowing.

Imagine having hot coal in your hand, it’s just going to constantly burn and hurt you if you do not let go. A lot of use is caused from a trauma, child hood trauma. Doesn’t even have to be physical can be emotional. And we talk about this to our sponsor and get it off our chest. It really does help.

You get other addicts or ex addicts numbers from meetings. And you phone them each day and connect. Especially when u get cravings. And believe me, talking to someone gets rid of cravings.

This C. A I’ve met so many people who just want see me get better and are there for me more than my own friends have been. I really mean this, and I get emotional how much love everyone shows on the meetings. And I feel so much better now. Even tho I relapsed I jumped back on the programme the next day.

If your mum does join and she relapses, it’s part of recovery and not to give up.

But she really needs to want to quit for herself and hit her rock bottom. I hope this helps and I’m always here if u need to ask me anything.

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