[b8988]

I don’t know if this is a silly question, but me and my husbands relationship has turned toxic, through the damage that his addiction has done. The lying about using, me throwing him out etc.

I’ve caught him (usually when coming down) masterbating to porn, he says it’s bevause you just want something to do with your hands coz your up all night, but you can’t usuallly finish because of the coke. (TMI sorry! But he never used to really be into porn before his addiction began,

I’ve heard coke makes you horny so I’m just wondering could that be enough to make you cheat if you wasn’t that sort of person sober. He says you still know what you’re doing and that your married etc, but he’s told other women that they are attractive etc which again is out of character but he says it’s more of an attention thing as he feels like crap and thinks it’s only a matter of time before I leave him.

[georgia26]

Cocaine does make you horny apparently but ive also read that they release the urge of addiciton with porn/gambling etc, its so odd. I dont think it would make you more likely to cheat, but I know it doesnt make you think right and that it makes you selfish as hell as you know. Him saying other women are attractive etc is deceitful in itself to be honest as he is planting the seed.

I feel for you, so much. I have read your other posts, its horrendous. xx

[b8988]

Thank you. It’s just off drugs he would never be the sort to cheat at all, all his friends say the same.

He still claims that drugs just make you chat rubbish so no logical thought goes into it. Then he says (after I pressed him for a more satisfying answer) subconsciously it may be because he feels like a scum bag and I always threaten divorce and he’s on self destruct, but he says it might be because he doesn’t feel great about himself so more of an ego thing but still wouldn’t actually cheat. I’ve tokd him it’s still totally unacceptable but trouble is you’re not dealing with someone rational are you, so no guarantee it will stop.,

[georgia26]

I know so true, drugs makes them SO selfish – like no matter what I say to my BF when hes taken drugs or drank, he doesnt care, and that feeling is awful isnt it.

I think hes making excuses in regards to that, cocaine doesnt make you say things like that.

Is he getting any help or anything for it? what is he doing to try and stop?

[b8988]

The girl said it wasn’t said in a disrespectful way more like a compliment or in a passing statement he said “oh you’re an attractive girl!” so to me that’s odd. If you were horny you’d surely say more than that? So in a way it makes it more odd! Maybe he’s putting feelers out incase I actually 100% end it to see if he could still pull?

[b8988]

I’ve sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away, he’s attending daily n.a meetings.

Our marriage has turned toxic from drugs, there was never any issues before that. Now I’ve got the worry that he could cheat now too. Although he gets annoyed and says no matter how wasted you were you wouldn’t cheat. You still know your married. I said well what would you be hoping to get out of telling someone that they were attractive and he said they might say I am too bevause I feel low in myself. He always says it’s my fault for threatening him with divorce and I told him he wasn’t attractive in my eyes, going back a while ago but this was said in temper! I feel like he’s only started doing this as of late so maybe he will try and leave me and go off with someone who doesn’t keep on about his drug use?

Would this again be part of the addiction if this was the case? I mean if he believed that the drugs were working for him.

[georgia26]

I see, did the girl contact you to tell you? if i am honest, I think hes putting feelers out there like you say. Its completely unacceptable. I cant stand it when they make out its us, it so selfish it makes you just want to give up doesn’t it.

Oh bless you, what an awful feeling that must be – if he went off with someone who accepted that then I think that would be time to let go, he would learn in the long run as his life would be ruined entirely, he’d lose everything..

If he cheats, he would know what he was doing, he would know it was wrong… it doesnt make you out of control in that sense. Yes it makes you horny on it, ive heard but tbh you cant get a hard on usually on it so I wouldnt worry.

I am going to a support group on a monday evening you should see locally what they offer and see if this helps you understand etc.

xxx

[b8988]

When he’s off it he tells me the truth, he says at the time you think selfishly and in his head it’s all about him. I think he sees me like a nag! When he’s using. Maybe other girls are a nice distraction from having to look at his behaviour.

He’s told me when straight that he loves me to bits and would be devastated if we finished. But on drugs you don’t care! He said it would (as you say) only sink in after he came off drugs what the hell has he done!

Plus I do believe that if he did cheat when he’s not using he would tell me if I asked him as believe it or not he is a lovely person. I never have in 17 years had reason to mistrust him, apart from now. I check his phone etc without me knowing and the only person he ever searches for is me. So god knows!

[b8988]

I messaged her to ask her if he had said anything to her, when I found him he was slumped against the bar in a state. He was really pissed as well as having had 2g. It was only him and her in there. So I thought it was odd.

She said the attractive thing was blown out of context, it was just said in passing not in a pervy way but said he made her feel uncomfortable as he was just staring at her weird off his face. As only them two in the bar! But she didn’t look uncomfortable when I walked in she was all laughing and joking. But she did say she hates men they are all the same. So god knows, it all drives me mad!

[bluebell]

I thought it was only me that had been with a partner for that long (19 years) and then discovered he’d been doing coke for 5 years. I am getting divorced, because he wants to and because I am worried for my children. Financially I need to separate from mine as he now has £50,000 of debt. The funny thing is, I thought he was having an affair. I couldn’t see his photos on Facebook and other strange things. I guess he wad, with Mistress Charlie! You have to laugh don’t you, i’ve Wasted so many tears on my husband. It breaks my heart but I think I have to just walk away now. I have dated other guys lately and was shocked at how kind and generous they were! It was like a different life! But they are never going to be him, the one that I married not the gibbering coke addict.

He now says we should learn to trust each other again and be friends by seeing more of each other. I think this would be a bad idea although my heart so wants to be with him. It’s probably just another way of controlling and manipulating me as he has already told me he can’t bare the thought of anyone else sleeping with me. I wish I could just fully let go and move on.

[georgia26]

You will eventually be at peace with it and move on, he is manipulating you I think – he wont change until he is ready to. Coke makes people evil, you could spend the rest of your life worrying, once trust is gone, its gone.

Go out, date, have fun, someone else will walk into your life and sweep you off of your feet.

There is no point trying to help someone, who doesnt want to be helped. xx

[vixen]

19 years… this is heartbreaking. So utterly utterly selfish for you and your poor kids xxx

[b8988]

I’m the same sort of but I started a lot of our problems by the way I reacted to some of the drug issues.

My husband hounded me about me having affairs and stopped talking to me for weeks at a time, as he got jealous about me having other sexual partners before I met him. He would imagine me sleeping with them and he said it made him feel ill. This was never an issue before drugs. This is before I know it was drug paranoia, I thought he was depressed. I felt bad for him, although he was making me feel dirty like I should be ashamed that I’d slept with others before him. He really got in my head! In my temper I told him he wasn’t attractive and I could do better etc. This stayed with him and he’d bring it up for ages. I only said it because I was fed up of the mental abuse.

Because he would basically call me a sl*t etc I in my temper started setting my fb to single and blocking him, this drove him wild. He would make up with me, then he’d abuse me and it would happen again. Then in Feb when I found out about the coke I threw him out. He spent the week on self destruct, he added about 50 girls on fb, telling some of them they was attractive and we’d split up ages ago! He even met one for a drink, although she said nothing happened, he was off his face and talking rubbish about me.

When we made up he said he only did that because drugs made him think everything was my fault. I’d been abusive, I called him unattractive etc. He said he just lashed out. But he says in his right mind he’d never do that. He used all day every day of that week. So can’t remember why or what he’d done but just that in his head it was over, he didn’t want to be with me. But as soon as he came down he knew he loved me but took more drugs to numb the pain.

I forgave him but could never forget that he messaged other people and met someone, but tried to accept that it was because in his head we were over and drugs made him do this. In my temper the other week I went on pof and started messaging men to show him what it felt like, he went nuts. But we realised we were both being petty.

Then this time he’s told a barmaid she was attractive, not an overly sexual comment but not one you should be making when you’re married. He said he knows he would never cheat, there is no intention to cheat, but because I’d threatened divorce 2 days prior bevause he’d reused drugs, he thinks in his head out marriage is wrecked, I’m going on pof to get him back for stuff he’s done (on drugs) when he was clean and we were getting on. The fact that I told him he was unattractive stays in his head still coz he feels so shit inside, he says he felt like a ego boost would have been all it was although he can’t overly remember saying it.

I feel now, that with each new thing he does or I do back to him is causing more issues. I never in a million years would think he would be capable of cheating, but now I question if he could, especially if he has these thoughts in his head all the time, I know it wouldn’t be him but the cocaine him but that’s no excuse if it happens. He should go to greater lengths to not use.

Years ago when he used coke behind my back he says he never used to look at other women etc as he was in a happy marriage and just wanted to dance, he said it’s the whole thing. The fact that when he gets off his head now he has loads in his mind. It’s not fun anymore but can’t stop.

Trouble is my husband does bother with me and does shower me with affection, he tells me he loves me continuously and tries to quit! He isn’t overly apologetic about the women though as in his head he says there was no intention of ever doing anything so he doesn’t feel bad like I want him to.

[b8988]

I’m supporting him whilst he’s living away, at the minute he’s dedicated to getting clean, he’s attending n.a meetings most nights. Whilst I feel he’s working at getting better I will be with him.

If I feel that he’s using, and it will show, like if he will stop bothering with me and the kids so much, if he’s grumpy, I’ll get reports back from his mum etc. I’ll have to try to detach mentally.

If he ever moves on with anyone else I won’t ever have him back, or if I find out he’s ever cheated I won’t either. Not because I’m not excusing that the coke has warped his brain, but because when he’s been clean for periods he’s had chance to tell me time and time again and he goes to lengths to prove that he hasn’t or would never want to. So it would be for that reason that I’d end it.

I guess my life is just a waiting game at the minute, hoping he can pull himself out!

[jb500]

Speaking from experience. I very much doubt your husband is cheating.

Coke makes him horny like all guys. But I was always more interested in the high than sex when on it.

In my experience the problem starts with alcohol. If you can stop drinking too much, then no temptation to do coke and no sitting up all night wanking either and feeling shit next day lol

[b8988]

Hi thanks for that. We’ve been getting along so well lately. He’s 4 and a half months clean. We have attended marriage counselling and the marriage counsellor seems to think all my husbands behaviour is acting out. It’s finding the reason why he started acting out in the first place so we can tackle that, although he seems to think it’s unresolved issues from his childhood.

I think the cocaine addiction made our relationship toxic so in his drug fuelled mind he was looking to escape. Women were a distraction, but I don’t think he would cheat. Although at times if it came down to me or the coke when he was deep in his addiction, he’d choose the coke. So if women started showing him attention, he started flirting I think to make himself feel better, because he knew what he was doing was wrong, but couldn’t stop! Plus he’s also said deep in his addiction he blamed me for everything wrong with himself, that way he didn’t have to stop and look at what he was doing.

The drug was mainly controlling him at times, now I know, no matter what I’d have done wouldn’t have worked. I guess they have to reach that point for themselves. I left him for a week with no contact and he was hysterical. He said he’d finally realised that I was being serious and it terrified him. So all the times I chased him, only enabled him.

[vixen]

Have a look at my post a few pages back called Coke, alcohol and prostitutes…

It definitely is a catalyst for my husband to cheat.

[b8988]

Hi vixen, gosh! I just read your post. That’s awful!

Problem is I’ve been with my husband 17 years since we were teens. I never had an reason to doubt him mainly until we had a huge fight last February and I hit him with a mug, over me catching him using drugs. He was so deep in then and our relationship has been awful for months because his behaviour had been so erratic.

He literally made his mind up that I was the reason for everything bad in his life. He tried to move on adding loads of random girls on fb, telling them that I was abusive etc. He even invited himself round to one girl’s house but she said she knew he was off his face and spent the time there running me down!

In my case it’s not so black and white as just cheating! As for the 5 years he hid the coke from me there was never any issues with women, it’s only when I started throwing him out and fighting with him he started noticing other women. Our counsellor said it’s acting out.

Cocaine makes people horrible and selfish though. I guess that’s to do with the frontal lobe damage, the part of the brain that affects the decision to make good choices. Ultimately it was down to him choosing the coke over me and his kids. I think I’m my husbands case he knew what he was doing was wrong but couldn’t or didn’t want to stop so decided to distract himself as his self esteem was low.

Off drugs I do trust him, however I just don’t know what goes through his mind on these drug binges when he thinks the worlds against him! He said he’s never felt like actually sleeping with anyone else. He said it makes you horny but not enough to cheat!

[vixen]

I would try everything to fix this. As you said, you’ve been in the relationship long term, he was the perfect dad/husband at one point…. you have history and kids together so it’s a lot to give up. But he has to want to do it… and before you fall apart. Theres only so much patience and love one can have till it wears thin. You know your limits, get support from family and friends and encourage him to seek help from CA or a therapist. If it all goes Pete Tong then you need to consider your and your kids sanity. Sorry I can’t give much advice, I’m new to all this drug abuse crap. If you ever want to talk, I’m always here. xxx Can we DM on these boards? not sure, can always give you my FB profile if you want. x

[b8988]

Hi there sorry this thread is old ish now, someone replied recently to start it being active again.

Basically I ended it with him when he was living with his mum because I caught him lying about not using drugs, he had even started taking E’s. I guess anything would have done just to numb him. Anyway for the first time I backed away, I told him to enjoy being single. Then after days of me not speaking to him he started begging me to give him one last try and said he would do anything to get me back. He was sobbing, he even went into his mums work crying as he truly believed I’d not have him back.

Anyway that was 4 and a half months ago! He has been clean ever since. I’ve even trusted him on a night out, not to drink and he didn’t! Plus he said lads he knew was doing coke in the toilet and he could have easily got it but he didn’t want to as where would it end?

I go to al anon which has been a god send as it teaches you to look after yourself, something I didn’t know how to do. I attend counselling and we both have started to try to rebuild our relationship with marriage counselling. The marriage counselling has been an eye opener. I learnt we were both in a drama triangle. Where we both took turn to play the victim and then persecutor.

I am fully aware that I can never relax as relapse is possible at anytime. But I’m working so hard on building up myself that hopefully if that happens I’ll be strong enough to just focus on myself. Unfortunately you can’t stop or prevent them from doing what they are gonna do. But you can begin to minimise your heartache.

Sorry I don’t have FB but feel free to message on here x

[vixen]

Ahhh I’m so pleased for you, and him! Sometimes we can’t give up on people, especially if we know what great partners they used to me. I’d like to think my partner would stand by me if i had a mid-life crisis! Relapses are common but no unsurmountable, and like you said, if you’re keeping yourself strong then you can both deal with it. I might try Al anon. I need some support too, these boards can be quiet sometimes.

Am happy you’re on a more positive path now though. 🙂 xxx

[b8988]

Thank you. Seriously give al- anon a try, my husbands wasn’t really alcohol but they take partners of any addiction really because the behaviour of all addicts is the same regardless of the substance. Bare with it because at first it seems bonkers, but it does work if you commit to the programme xx

[bhuroam]

If I’m honest I think rather then judging him and getting mad at him for his drug problem, support him, talk to him try and find the really reason he’s using. From experience there is always a reason for using, most likely could be an escape from certain thoughts or bad/negative mental health

[vixen]

How’s it going now?

[tb1992]

So glad you have sorted it its good to see a couple working as a team rather than give up… All the best❤️

[calibunni30]

Coke does make you more impulsive and can make you do stuff you don’t normally do and it does make you Horny I use it from time to time and I find when you are coming down from the coke high you get horny well atleast I do and I have done some crazy stuff off of it so I guess it just depends on the person does he use it when he goes out by him self or only ehen your with him ?

[calibunni30]

And so he tells other women they are pretty infront if you and he does it because he feels like crap that doesn’t make sense and how is it an attention thing I don’t understand how him telling other women they are pretty because he feels like crap that would make you feel like crap if anything

[paul0572]

Addicts all have low self worth . Addiction is a by product of a mental health problem .

If he got a smile this woman it would lift his self worth .

They see us as a parental figure , someone in the way . They might love us but we give them no self esteem because when they look at us they see the hurt in our eyes , that they have caused us

[Author]

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