[hellokitty123]

Hello,

I am 29 years old and a full time student to be a dentist.

I have been with my husband for 13 years and married for 3. No kids.

Our relationship has had many bumps and he has always had a lot of anxiety problems that made it hard for family and friends to understand why I loved him and wanted to be with him. He would often be mean to them and arrogant. My problems with him mostly stemmed from codependency problems. He would be controlling, want me to lose weight, hold grudges against me for long periods of time and would only show affection through physical touch (wouldn’t buy me gifts or do things for me). There were a lot of times where I hoped that I could love enough for the both of us. I frequently saw signs that maybe he didn’t love me, but was dependent on my love and devotion. Right before our marriage, we moved across the country so I could go to school. We had been together a long time and I felt pretty secure. He started to have a mid-life crisis. He wanted to party with people, drink, and started wanting to relive moments of his youth (which included drugs). Now keep in mind, he didn’t know anyone out here and it was always hard to get him out of the house because of his anxiety. He wanted me to bring people to the house for him to party with and his sexual fantasies became increasingly more deviant in nature, but he never cheated or anything.

Anyways, I was dealing with a lot for school and going through my own mental problems and looked to him for support, and this mid life crisis of his was what I found. It was gradual at first, and mostly just drinking. Now when I look back on our wedding day, I realize he was very drunk the whole time (which he hid well), which made for a total lack of connection during the wedding.

Shortly after the wedding is when our fights increased (specially about my weight) and he started the drugs. A lot of it I think he considered self-medication, but It was so gradual at first. Together we started to smoke weed and he tried to be happy. I enjoyed this time together. I had no idea of all the problems and where it was going.

Our fights skyrocketed when his mom almost died around this time and at some point he decided he couldn’t trust me anymore and said to me, I’m going to do whatever I want and not going to tell you.

He was visiting his mom at the time and I didn’t tell him right away that I went to Vegas with my niece because she wanted to go to a concert and had just gotten out of a long term abusive relationship. I wanted to give her a girls weekend and when I told him, he acted like I cheated and lied about our whole relationship or something. I didn’t even do anything.

Anyways, after this is when he started getting a ton of drugs and not telling me. Meth, special K, coke, ecstasy. When I came home from school, I was always terrified of what I was coming home to. I would try over and over to talk to him about the drugs, his crisis, his feelings and he shut me out.

I dug my head in the dirt for a lot of it. Locked myself in my room and sleep to try and not deal with the reality. If I wasn’t hiding, I would sneak and hide the drugs or pretend to use them too (because he would constantly beg me) just so I could get the drugs away from him. I just remember so much fighting at this time. Begging him to see what he was doing to himself and us.

Then a psychosis set in. After a couple ecstasy binges, he started having hallucinations and paranoia. Aliens were trying to reach him, everything is a simulation run by interdimensional beings, he’s having sex with gods… He was lost. I would wake up and find him wandering the street waiting for a space bus to pick him up or talking to himself in the dark at the wall.

I started to talk to family and law enforcement. His family lost their minds and attacked me worried that I would get him committed and he would “have this stain on his record and how that would ruin his life” and I couldn’t get him committed because he wasn’t hurting me or anybody.

After months and months, I snapped. I ended up taking a month off of school (which is really hard to do in doctoral programs) and almost lost my mind trying to get him help. After him, and his family fighting me tooth and nail, not admitting that there is a problem and attacking me, I pulled the plug for my sanity and future. If I didn’t make it back to school, I was going to be 500,000 dollars in debt and no way to pay it off.

I’m back at school and I have family to support me, thank god. He wouldn’t listen to anything I said including that he should stay with his parents, so I met him at our house. Told him that I’m getting a divorce and why. Told him why I think he turned to drugs, and why he needs to get help. I don’t have any idea if he understood or not honestly and then I took all my stuff and left.

Me leaving like that, was at least enough for him to realize I wasn’t coming back and make him go back home with his parents. Not without me having to clean up after him because “the ghosts rushed him out”.

Anyways, I have tried to be as consistent as possible. He’s made minimal to no effort to get me to come back. Which could be considered a blessing if it didn’t hurt so much. He’s not blocked, but I cut off all communication, which kills me.

So now, it’s been about 4 months. I’m am emotionally a wreck and I have no idea how he’s doing. I’m pretty sure the drugs are gone, but the psychosis and delirium remain. He’s posted his crazy stuff all over Facebook. He thinks he’s the next Albert Einstein, posting drawings of his theories. People everywhere contacting me and asking if he’s ok because his posts “are weird and not making sense”. If and when we do communicate, it doesn’t make much sense. Either he doesn’t remember what happened, or he’s acting crazy or angry. And I just feel lost.

The love of my life has been replaced with a monster and I am helpless. I know i am making the right choice for my situation, but I also feel so guilty. And meanwhile, I’m 100% sure that part of the reason he turned to drugs is because of how unhappy he was with me.

I’m dealing with so much at one time and I don’t even have kids. His Mental health, his drugs, initiating a divorce that needs to happen but that I don’t want. On top of years of degradation of my self—esteem and personality, Nothing about me was ever good enough and yet I miss him and everything we had before we moved. Where does it all end?

And I still have hope of achieving my dream of kids and a future of love, but worried about how long it will take me to get over this? Being almost 30 and starting over and not being emotionally ready to move on.

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