Hi
What a lot of pain you are having had to deal with. I am so sorry. Please get in touch with the Icarus Trust if it would help you to talk to people who would understand what you are dealing with. Talking with one of our trained volunteers called ‘Family Friends’ may give you some support and help you to make sense of things.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck!