End of my tether

<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>I am new here and just need to offload.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>My partner of 20 years has had a difficult relationships with alcohol for a long time but he has managed it. Over recent years this has developed into a coke habit as well. We live a nice life, have good jobs, and a teen son we adore. I just can’t see how to marry that up with a man that vanishes, blows loads of money and doesn’t worry about the consequences for us. When he is using he always forgets about us completely but I now feel I have lost who he is all together. He only ever thinks about him. He has ruined the last three weekends by getting wasted and checking into hotels in the middle of the night.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>My son already has some anxiety issues and he refuses to accept the tension and uncertainty in the house could contribute to this. He is a good dad 90% of the time but just can’t hold it together. I also find him more selfish and bad tempered the rest of the time as well now.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>I can’t talk to anyone about this as I know the people who love me would tell me to leave. I think the problem is, I think it would be much better for my mental health if I left but how do I reconcile that with breaking up our family and the impact on my son. I feel like I am being held hostage because my husband knows I would do anything for my son, whatever the impact for me.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px 0px 1rem; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>I have tried putting in boundaries but he just breaks them. And then I feel ashamed that I don’t follow through.</p>
<p style=”margin: 0px; font-family: Roboto, sans-serif; color: #183264; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 18px; padding: 0px; border-width: 0px; border-style: none; overflow-wrap: break-word;”>I am not sure if I love him but I do love my family. It is excruciating.</p>