[lou1321]

Hi all, I am new to this forum and only wish that I had found it earlier. I have supported enabled an addict of some sort since the age of17 and mostly without knowing.

I am approaching my 50th birthday and while on the outside I look like I am enjoying life, strong and capable, I am an absolute emotional disaster!

I met my now ex- husband at the age of 17 and I was besotted and very much in love. He ran his own business and was always busy working but there was never any money to show for it. I questioned him about it but he just lied about where it had gone but made me feel guilty for asking. During the next 28 years, we married, had 4 children, had to sell 2 houses to gambling debt, have parents bail us out to the tune of £80k as his addiction had become uncontrollable and during all of this time he lied, manipulated me and made me feel that I had made it up in my head! 5 years ago I left him, this was not something I did lightly but after having to sell another house, I couldn’t risk being homeless with my children. We split the remainder of our assets 50/50 and I now have my own home and he became bankrupt. He still maintains a nice life, has a new partner but is still gambling.

I am with my children and live alone, the eldest is 24, at the age of 16 he started smoking cannabis and dabbling in drugs, this escalated to at the age of 19 he had lost his job, was stealing from me, I had dealers knocking on my door, I was threatened, my children were threatened and I was at my wits end. My son started having seizures and every day I thanked the stars that he was still alive. This is very condensed version of events but it went on for a few years. In 2016 he went into a privately funded rehab centre followed by 5 months living with my dear friend in rural Spain, he came back a new man. He moved back in and I thought our lives had changed for the better forever. I moved house to start afresh and we were all very positive about the future. The next year was fine and then he started drifting from job to job and started smoking cannabis again. I was suspicious that he was back on Cocaine but like his father he can wrap me round his little finger, he started borrowing money and then my Mac book went missing and so it started although through it all he denied doing drugs. 2 weeks ago he admitted he had relapsed, he owed money to some nasty guys and they were threatening him. I was devastated but I took a bank loan and paid them off. (Forgot to say he moved in to a rental property in December) He promised he was going to meetings and that was it, he didn’t want to be that person again, I helped him, came to meetings, met his sponsor and spoke to him 3 or 4 times a day and made sure he had food in his fridge etc.

Then today, I noticed my credit card had gone missing and so looked on my account and 2 payments of £200 and £250 had been taken out of a local ATM. (I have no idea when he took it or how he knew my pin!) So I have now made the decision that I can not go through this again, he is 24 and I have enabled this far too long. I have told him that I love him but I cannot save him, that he is now on his own. I have told him I do not want to see him until such time he has reclaimed sobriety.

My heart is now breaking, he hasn’t responded to me and I am terrified that his mental health is so fragile that he will do something stupid…. So what do I do?

[dnanon]

OMG, you have really been through it with both your husband and son. Like you said I think you have enabled but haven’t we all. I don’t want to go into my own personal details as I have done previous posts. However, I do feel that you have gone above an beyond for your son. Perhaps if you offer support in his sobriety. If it is any consolation my son has not been in touch since November until this morning and then it was not good. Also remember you are not in control of your son’s actions. You take care x

[lou1321]

Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry that you are going through this too. xx

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