[Lozzy80]

I’ve drafted a letter for my husband tonight I’m weak and will probably not share it with him. But I sure wish I had the guts to…

I’m sorry but I can no longer stay and watch you do this to yourself, or to us. The cycle of chaos has to stop . But It won’t stop, not whilst I’m with you . I’m sorry I could not help you. I don’t know the answers,  you will have to find them for yourself and whilst I’m with you it’s done nothing to get you to do this. We’ve tried and tried so many times, it always comes back to the same old ways. I simply have nothing left to keep us together emotionally or financially. when your using you point blank lie to me, so the trust and love has gone from this marriage . I do love you and this sounds so cliche but sometimes love really isn’t enough. I’m so sorry xxx

 

[navy]

Hi lozzy

I know exactly what you mean. YOU ARE NOT WEAK.
I’m finding it so hard to tell him our I feel and that I can’t cope no more, ive also written it down on paper.

I’ve blamed the drug use for his illnesses and why he is so unwell now. He says it’s not the cause of his problems!!! (I do]
I need to leave too. I think this will be the straw that breaks the camel back or hopefully will make him Realise what this drug has done to him. To us.

Stay strong,look after yourself, make sure your still seeing friends, going out and doing thing’s that makes you happy.

Take care

Love Navy xxx

[Lozzy80]

Thanks Navy, I have just replied to your thread in the share your story board.

Sounds like we are both really going through the mill .. how are you now ? Have you walked away?

Thank you and same to you hope your taking care of yourself xx

[Green30]

I wrote a letter to my husband to. It’s been sitting in my email drafts for a week. I told him how I felt today but I’m not sure he took it seriously.
I don’t know whether to walk away for good, or just for a while or just try and stick it out and help him. This is so hard. How do you cope with this

[navy]

I think it’s an extremely hard decision to make, only you can make it, if you stay you need to look after yourself, do the things you love to do, go out with friends, make plans, there is only so much support you can give , they have to help themselves. If they don’t get help then they either don’t realise they are an addict or they think there’s nothing wrong.
I think you need to leave for a while whilst he looks to himself and see what he wants to do. I’m so sorry you are going through this but your not alone in the way you think. I’m still struggling with leaving, I know it’s the end for me as he never going to give up as I’m on my 3 rd time of him saying yes then doing nothing, hiding it, avoiding me, being jealous of me going out.  Whilst he doesn’t leave the house.

remember to look after yourself. Sending hugs to you.

 

love Navy xx

[eddie123]

Hi there, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry. I know of a great charity that supports people like yourselves nationwide. The family support programme is all remote and they help many families a year. Please see link and fill in the referral and someone will endeavour to respond within 24 hours. https://adaptoxford.org.uk/the-icarus-programme/

they also have a free treatment programme for addicts, if your husband would like the support.

[Lozzy80]

Wow, another year has passed since I wrote this letter and I didn’t think it could get any worse, but it has

I’m slowly reaching out for support now for myself. I’ve let my manager at work know things aren’t ok at home, and I’m trying to counselling.

Navy is right, we must look after ourselves, see friends and family, and be kind to ourselves.

[Lottier]

I’m sorry to hear things are no better but glad you have started reaching out for support. Your letter sounds so heartfelt, did you give it to him?
my husband has seemed to lost all empathy since drugs, I can stand there in pieces and he doesn’t care, he’s come back from rehab so determined to stay clean, which is good, but wants to cut the negative out his life, which is me, I am finding it hard to be positive I hoped love would be enough but no x

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

No I never showed him this letter as I can see it will make no difference, he constantly dismissed how I feel or the hurt and pain I am feeling as he is always much worse.  He’s certainly the victim and no one , including me , understands him.

Sorry to hear your partner is now pushing you away. Maybe time to embrace the opportunity to be free . Sorry I know it doesn’t help the pain right now ….????

[Lottier]

It is a shame and doesn’t make sense how someone you love can go so cold and lack so much empathy.   From all I’ve seen they def all play the victim, and seem to develop narcissistic tendancies, I’m not sure whether the drug turns them into this or if it’s in them and just made worse.  It seems a good therapy writing to them and I think even if you don’t give it to them re reading it reminds you how bad things are/ were.

This site helps knowing we are not alone, but is is sad knowing others are also going through it, and I guess we are all doing the same

Thank you and yes I’m going to take the opportunity to be free for myself and my children, as know long term it’s for the best, Christmas is going to be awful, but next year is a new start.

It probably sounds silly but I almost feel in mourning for my husband, our old life, my hopes and dreams for our future are all gone.  I hope things improve for you and your husband gets help before it’s too late xx

[purpleheart]

Lozzy, what a powerful letter . It’s so hard to let people in to this world of chaos ( I was embarrassed and brought down to being so frighteningly low ) but I hope work are fully supportive and you carry on grabbing all the help you can . Please take care of yourself x

[navy]

Hi everyone

can’t believe we are all still here in the same situation, my OH is in therapy but to be honest I don’t think it’s working as nothing has changed he is still using, I found it last week  and again this week. I must be so stupid to be still here trying to help him. he still hurting me mentally. I cry alot
I thought when in therapy you’re not supposed to use. I’m lost can anyone give me insight how it works do they tackle addiction first then mental health or the other way around?

lots of love and strength to you all

navy x

[Lottier]

Hi navy

Im sorry things haven’t got better for you since he’s started therapy, and try and look after yourself. I know in rehab they get tested and have to be clean, if he is still using he is prob not ready to stop but fact he’s going therapy is a start, I’d say they try and treat the addiction first, again it was only when my husband wanted help they helped him with addiction, my husband hasn’t had help for mental health, he thinks he’s ok, so again it probably won’t be treated until he realises he needs help with that too. I wish they’d involve loved ones more in the whole process, but they only do if they give their permission which seems wrong xx

[navy]

Hi lottier

thank you.
well I was right, he admitted that he knew I knew he been using. He had therapy and told them he relapsed they were helpful to him. the drug has to stop and the mental health will improve alongside with group therapy and CBT. I just pray he listens and tells them the truth and he can get through this.

We sat and talked and actual laughed together.  I’m still supporting him for now I pray I’m not in for another round of lies and heart break. . I’ve made myself so unwell and I used to be such a jolly person but I’ve had the stuffing knocked out of me.
i wish us all the luck and strength we have to do what we want to do and not feel guilty about it.

Keep looking after yourself and stay strong

lots of love

navy xx

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

So sorry to hear this , and totally understand those awful roller coaster of emotions that follow a relapse… We hold onto hope ..the good.gets dashed but they open up and talk more and we slowly start to build that hole again and pray they are making progress in the right direction …i think it’s like a game of snakes and ladders…sometimes they land on the ladder….but then slide down a snake…..just try and avoid the very long snake all way down to the bottom

My OH was ona relapse /bender for over a week and now sulking and depressed and worrying about , yet again how he can pay off his dealers .  I think he only opens up to me when he needs more £ …he then uses so e of it to pay of the debt instead of promising to totally clear it , and gets more. We are talkin often £1-£2k… I’m up to my limit on what I can afford to repay , hes borrowed from every friend and family.member he can (including my own family , putting me in more debt/embarrassment ).. and so I think he has finally ran out of options…so not sure where he goes from here but I have to stop the enabling

I’ve been accepted into counselling , they said I need this before I can move onto something like CBT . .really hoping it helps me get stronger and perhaps be ready to walk away

[navy]

Hi lozzy80

sorry for not getting g back earlier, it’s been a short couple of days…..well I’m still here hoping to get through Christmas I think he lying to the guys at rehab (online) as I know he used before his session. He tells me how lucky he is to have my support. I’m fading, I’m not well and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up so so I don’t have to keep going  through this.
im so lucky to have such great family and friends to support me so Iam very lucky, and that’s why I keep going.

some questions

why do we keep putting ourselves through this ?

why do we keep trying?

how long do we put up with this?

 

I was told the other day that he needs 7 days 24 hours with me……. I don’t think this will work, what happens after 7 days, what happens when we row, what happens when the pressure of works happens, how do they put coping skills into process when they have had 24hr 7 day a week support.  Will things be ok.  I don’t think so. Now it’s mental health issues that he needs to overcome as it’s not the drug!!!! FFS when do they stop lying to themselves.  If they can’t/ don’t want to give up then let us go. Don’t make us feel guilty.

sorry I’m angry and just want this year over with. I’m so sad.

take care everyone

navy xxxx

[Lottier]

I’m sorry you’re going through this Navy and I’m sure we’ve all asked ourselves these questions a million times.

It is an illness and I think we all hold on to the hope that they are in there somewhere and will get better but I don’t know if they will, and i don’t know how long we put up with it

It’s easy to say if you’re not in this situation I’d just leave and the easiest thing for our sanity, health etc would be to do this.

It’s not fair on you to do 7 days of 24 hours it’s not realistic and who ever is suggesting this to you is not helping either of you.

in my experience I could sit at home for 23 hours but the one hour I had a coffee with a friend or popped to the shop was when he needed me the most and showed how unsupportive I was not being there at that moment, then I got abuse or no contact, that is the exhausting bit I found from him being at rehab, I tried on many occasions to talk to his therapist but when he got mad he’d take me off the contact list which I think is wrong

I think this site definitely helps to keep me sane and I hope you feel less angry now it’s written down, I know your and Lozzys replies really help me just knowing someone is listening that really understands it unlike my friends and family

I think we all want Christmas out the way but maybe we should all use it as one day to think of us, try and forget all this rubbish and try to enjoy it, I’ve ordered a Christmas jumper today, I’m going to see family and friends and ban any talk of drugs or him

Take care, and I hope your managing to get some sleep and eating well xx

[navy]

Hello

well it’s been a rough couple of days and a lot of crying on both of us. We are going to try and go away for a couple of days to see if we can get on without the pressure of life as we know it where we can be looked after by someone else and to see if we can get on. As every evening we end up in a row over silly things he is driving me nuts but the things he says and then to come home to packets on the side board, dishes in the sink and every glass used. Asaatrrrggghhh why why why can’t they put things in bin and wash a few dishes and wipe down the surfaces. He is at home ffs. Sorry.

I’m more looking forward to Christmas celebration with my family and not with him how awful is that. I’m just so tired of it all.

as for sleeping my pattern is all over the place and so is my eating, however I’m back in the gym and loving it so it’s keeping me sane.

merry Christmas all.

hope you have something nice to celebrate or somewhere nice to be where the celebrations will be good.

take care all

love navy

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Your last couple of posts could behave been written by me.

Things have been bought sharply into focus this wk, my dad is in hospital. It was touch n go first 24 hrs. Hubby was miraculously in one of his dry spells breifly so was nice to have his support (made me realise though all the times I felt alone dealing with these family long term health/care issues).. but low and behold he’s back to old habits today leaving me to face the music alone tomorrow. Yet the countless times I’ve been there for him when going through similar…

My husband has mh issues , he uses it as an excuse.. and has also said if I was home with him 24/7 he’d be ok…so I’ve tried it ..guess what… Even that doesn’t work …they find a way , an excuse ..

[navy]

Hi lozzy

i know it’s hard isn’t it, I have the excuse of mh too……… I think the mh is caused by cocaine use for years.  I’ve now been told he has to come off it slowly, tapering I think it’s called , where they take it less and less till they come off it!!!!! How much of this is true I don’t know.  I think I maybe falling for yet another lie and to made a fool out of me. I can’t wait for Christmas to be and gone, I really don’t feel like Christmas.

hope you and your children enjoy despite him and I will pray for your dad sending you love and hugs

stay strong

navy xxx

[navy]

Hello

i just need to vent:-

im so upset I just wanted a nice Christmas Eve time spent together having food and watching a movie.

he hasn’t seen me all day. I tried to get him to come and have lunch with me but he was tired!!! Then was feeling unwell,  I got angry so now it’s all my fault he has retreated to his room and I’m in mine. I feel that he wants to argue to get away from me I feel that the rehab is not working and the devil has won again!! His actions are as before hiding away from me as I can see the signs.

i don’t want Christmas Day to come. I don’t want to have breakfast with him, open any presents or cook lunch.  I want to run away and hide and pretend Christmas is not here.

thank you for letting me rant.

hope everyone on here stays strong for their. Children

lots of love

navy xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Hope you got through today ok. I know what you mean about the hiding and looking for an argument to be the next excuse to have a blow out.. it gets so draining…

 

My husband has kept his nose clean for last two days only due to staying with mum who needs us right now , my dad really not doing so good  ???? (it was so hard seeing him today in hospital mainly unresponsive:/) whilst husband isbt doing stuff he e is mainly absent …sleeping a lot…where I really could do.with supprt right now… Finding so hard to support everyone else in my family… I have to say this has to be the worst Xmas yet.. I don’t have my own children but do have a  brother and his two young ones who need my support right now (autism /special needs )… Just never known life get any harder than this!

 

[navy]

Hi Lozzy80

So sorry to hear about your dad, it’s awful, I pray that he will get better and send lots of love to you and your family, it’s hard to be the rock when you don’t have anyone to look after you. I’m here to listen anytime. I hate that the stuff it makes them sleepy then angry and then back to using again to make them feel better.

i have not enjoyed Christmas Day, it started off ok, I cooked breakfast then we opened presents, I then cooked lunch which we both ate and then he disappeared for the rest of the day, I text him to come and sit with me to watch tv in the evening he came downstairs made a fuss about food, then couldn’t watch tv had to go…… wtf.

I spent Boxing Day with family which I really enjoyed then came back to miserable OH, I tried to get him to have food with me but nope, he was suffering.  So again spending the evening on my own.

I’ve  given him an ultimatum now for the new year, I hope this gives him the push he needs. So let’s see, if at anytime this does t work then I’m off, I have to look after myself, my health needs to be put first as I don’t like these anxiety attacks I’m having.

I wish you all the best. Look after yourself xx

 

[Rosie1234]

Hey, just come across your thread, this is my first time posting on here. I’m in a very similar situation and have been for years. I’m desperate for 2024 to be better but I just can’t see him changing and I don’t see another way out. Awful to see there’s so many others in the same boat, I feel so alone with it all as it’s not really something I talk about with many people, to the outside world we look ‘normal’ except inside I feel like I’m drowning and constantly feel like I’ve been hit by a bus 🙁 it’s draining the life out of me putting on a brave face and I definitely feel like I’m getting to breaking point xx

[navy]

Hi Rosie

i know it’s draining, it feels lonely as we lie to those we love to protect our OH and their situation.  has your OH admitted he is an addict or is it all still hidden from you ?
the only advice I can give is to look after yourself, keep seeing your family & friends have a social life, eat well and try and get some exercise in, going for a walk and losing yourself in music even for just 1/2 hour. You also must get good sleep in try going to bed early.

I still get my weekly exercise in, I talk to a therapist and I enjoy my work and have great colleagues (they don’t know exactly but they support me and make me laugh) I don’t think I would get through this without them.

look after yourself rosie

we are here for support, help, and advice if we can.

love Navy xx

[Rosie1234]

Thanks Navy xx he will openly admit to me he has a problem but not to many others. We’ve tried various things over the last couple of years, he’s seen a GP, been put on anti depressants, had counselling, started doing the wild swimming to try and improve his mental health and everything seems to work and I get a glimmer of hope but then it’s only for a short while and then he’s back plunging us further into debt and lying to me day in day out. We have a business together so I feel completely trapped as if I ask him to leave I lose my job too. Last night was particularly bad, I was adamant I needed to bite the bullet and ask him to leave and then this morning he came to me and said he’s found a local NA meeting that he’s going to try and now I feel hopeful again but also very aware that I’ve felt this so many times before and why would this work when nothing else has…..

[navy]

Oh rosie

i know exactly what you mean, I’ve been going through this for years, we give them all the love and support and they throw it back, i said when he gets the urge to use let me know and i will keep him busy, we could go out, we could watch a movie, play cards, anything at all for this to pass also I have said no drugs in house, but that has been ignored in the past.
I have to be honest I don’t think anti-depressants work, they just mask the problem,  as he has a business does he not want to go into rehab? If when he starts NA I hope it’s not just a weekly meeting that it is a daily meeting as they need this, he needs to do the tasks, and fill out a diary of how he is feeling and every hour is a bonus, do you know what starts him off agin Stress? Argument? Feeling of no hope? As what I’ve learned the drug prays on the weekend, the reason he has become an addict.

im trying to give as much support as possible but I am drained .

Ive spent most of Christmas break on my own, the accusation that I’m having an affair or been seeing someone is awful and he says he can’t hold a conversation with at the moment, the hurtful things he says.  The in the next breath he loves me so much it hurts so why can’t he give this white stuff up for us. He really needs to improve his mental health. He has heard of the cold water therapy too.

im hoping for 2024 to be clean, healthy & happy. I wish this for you too.

let’s see how January goes. It’s make or break for me as I can’t go through this again. I’m guessing your at this stage too?

take care of yourself xx

[Rosie1234]

It is 100% make or break time for us, although I’ve said this before. For my own sanity I cannot be sat here this time next year in this same situation. I feel like he’s taken from me what should have been the happiest years of my life, whilst our kids have been little, the things we could have done with the money he’s spent and when we have done things they’ve all been paid for on a credit card because he’s spent all our money so I have a constant feeling of nausea that we shouldn’t be doing whatever we’re doing because we can’t really afford it. You’re right in that rehab would be difficult as not only would we have to find the money in the first place we’d have no income whilst he was there although he could have probably been 5 times this year with what he’s spent. His dad is an alcoholic and he has no relationship with him because of this, he has grown up with this and I can see it eats him up. What I can’t understand is why he can’t just embrace the love he has got instead of wallowing in what he hasn’t had. It’s so frustrating because I really do think he wants to change which is why I’ve hung on for so long but at some point the wanting to change just has to stop being enough right? I wake up every day with a feeling of fear throughout my whole body and as much as I don’t think our children have any real idea of what’s going on they must sense my sadness, I can’t be giving them my best when I feel the way I do and I want them to grow up with a healthy idea of what a relationship is not one where Mum does everything and Dad shows up when he pleases.

Sending positive vibes for 2024, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. It’s heartbreaking that you’re going through this too xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rosie

I’m sorry you are also going through this… It’s pure torment

My mental health is shot to pieces so I’m trying to protect myself now and not get too hung up over his issues…easier said than done , I will soon feel at breaking point again soon when he asks for more money .. I have nothing left to give financially or emotionally to be honest

 

I went on anti depressants myself a couple of times but I refuse this time to let it get to me as bad as before…seeing my parents suffer with old age , dementia and now bouts in hospital has been a wake up call, I cannot waste my whole life worrying over him… This time if he wants to walk away I won’t stop him

Sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, but hope you can find a way through it soon try and talk to someone , maybe a counsellor or someone independent to help you see what options you have ..hoping things get better for you in 2024 xxx

[Lozzy80]

Well it’s another year…

First most sober Nye both myself and husband have ever had . We managed to watch the fireworks all around us and watched some Xmas films. I’d have loved every minute of it some years ago… But my heart is filled with so much sadness… As these moments I know are fleeting … He says this is going to be the year he changes… But he says this every year… And I used to get my hopes up… But I dont  anymore.

Just feel so stuck and quite sad this morning. Off to see family in a couple of hours so hopefully that will help get me out of this funk.

 

Hope you all are coping ok over NYE/ day …and hope you find peace and happiness in 2024

[Rosie1234]

Hey Lozzy

Happy New Year! Sober NYE for us too. I know exactly what you mean tho, even the good times are filled with sadness as you never know how long it will last. Maybe this year will be our year eh, they always say the bad times can’t last forever, one way or another we will find a happy ending I hope. Sending love and positivity xxx

[Lozzy80]

Very true Rosie , my favourite quote is from the Crow when struggling  “It can’t rain all the time”

I was quite down this morning , husband finally snapped last night and showed his nasty side again. I know he is miserable because he is missing doing coke , it’s all he wants to do but for now he is biding his time til he can get enough £ to fund it again..

 

Today I’ve promised myself to just find moments of peace and joy for myself… Self soothing things… Enjoy that cup of tea and super chocolate biscuit , enjoy a short walk in the rain with my dog… And just switch off from his problems for a while and look after myself…need to keep afloat !

 

Hope you all find your ways of coping and appreciating any peaceful moments you can get xx

[Lottier]

Hi all

I’ve not been on here in a while and hope you are all ok or as ok as can be?
I tried to make Christmas and new year as nice as possible for the kids and they all seemed really happy, he stayed out the way which was good.
3rd year he’s not really been around, it did upset me hearing the kids talking about the past and their best Christmas, turns out it was 4 years ago just after my youngest was born, that was mine too, and it breaks my heart she will never remember that life we had before bloody drugs

I need to vent a bit so I do apologise, I’m not sure its healthy how much hatred I have for an object, a drug, maybe I need to hate him but feel it changed him and has ruined so many peoples lives not just mine and my children so for now I’ll hate it.

First off a few positives, I’ve been getting out a lot more, catching up with friends and dragging the kids out which is good for me, he still wants to separate and I agree it’s for the best.  I’m trying to find a job still (was working for our company but went into administration) and think that will be good for me too (i had to see a therapist as him and his family think I need help, she said I’m ok, but said I need to do more for me so am trying)

He wants me and the children out of the house as we cant afford the mortgage (since his addiction he has controlled all finances and got really secretive so I don’t know what if anything we have) but rather then fighting it I’ve said we’ll go into a rental and he’s offered to pay a block

But he keeps accusing me of delaying things (I’m not but can’t go until he finds the money which changes weekly when that will be) I’ve found houses and started choosing new house things (plates, cutlery very sad ????‍♀️) and he accuses me of not coming to terms with us separating which I have.

he says I seem mad at him which means I’m not over him, but I’m mad because of things he continues to do, he gave me the silent treatment for months and it’s easier just continuing with that but then he starts a row.

In my opinion, which annoys him, is I feel his drug taking was to blame for all of this, but he acts like it didn’t happen and drugs were never the problem, he says I need to move on from the past as that’s in the past (only September) , but said he has learnt that drink was the problem and he drank to cope with me and how I emotionally abused him, made him feel unloved, put him down etc. some of the things he says is awful and so untrue, it’s almost like a therapist says things and he said yes she did that

but then on the other hand he says how he will always look back at our time together fondly ????‍♀️

It’s actually exhausting as I can’t win, I think he wants me to beg him not to do this tell him how much I love him and that I don’t want to go but 3 years I sadly did that and now I’m tired, he’s won he’s got what he wants so why’s he still punishing me???

right off my chest, again apologies for the rant I can sleep now,

i hope you are all ok and take care of yourselves xx

[navy]

Hi lozzy

You scan vent on here  anytime. It’s so sad the situation you find yourself in but well done on accepting that it’s over and you need to separate.  Keep going out and doing more things for you and your children it will get easier. Once you get your own place just think how lovely it will be in time. Those 3 years of hell the lies the secrets will be no more, Hopefully you will find a property soon and he will pay the rent and you and your children can be free.

you can have a life it will take time to adjust but you will do it as you are a strong women. Good luck

im still struggling to come to terms that the drug has won. .

I keep asking myself, why am I still here listening to this crap. I’m hurting I’m crying everyday I’m emotional wreck. Why is it so hard to walk away……… my turn to rant xx

I just want a normal simple  life, to go out for a coffee, to go for a walk. To hold each other whilst watching tv to cook together to just be in each others company. No expectations.
I’m sobbing now so going to sign off.

take care everyone wishing you strength and Happiness

navy xx

[Lottier]

Hi navy

thank you for your reply, I don’t feel strong tonight, I got a no from a job interview so sobbing too, I feel I have lost everything job, home and husband.

i know it will be easier once we have our own place but I worry it’s empty promises from him, he continues to lie so much that I never know what’s true and worry he has no intention of helping us, just telling people he’s doing that so he looks like a good man

I’m sorry things are no better for you, it’s heart breaking so many people are going through this because of a drug,

I think that’s why we all put up with it too as you do tend to remember the good times and want that normal simple life you describe

I feel like I’ve been single for 3 years and just want someone to love and look after me for a change, I pathetically cried in the supermarket the other day as it seemed full of couples, we used to do loads together, and I want to be able to move on and find that again.

[navy]

Hi lottier

i know it’s so hard to distinguish the truth from the lies.  He has to help with the children.make sure you get help with that before you move out

. I’m sure there’s a job out there for you, keep trying and try not to get to dis-heartened with rejection remember it’s their loss and will be someone else’s gain. Good luck.

I agree I feel like the last years have been single wife and only loving when on it.  He says he trying but I think that the drug has taken over his thoughts.

I need to get stronger and look after myself, I wish you luck and strength to get through this.

im here anytime to talk too.

navy xx

 

[purpleheart]

Hi Lottier ,

Don’t be disheartened you will get a job , I know it’s so hard and deflating but try to dig deep and know you’re heading for a better life .
I did that too in a supermarket, craved to have that again , the companionship- honestly felt like my partner had died and in his place was this unempathetic imposter , I can’t bare to think about them times as I was such a lost soul and so lonely it was physical pain .

Mine hasn’t gone into recovery he just continues to ride the merry go round in his own life  , telling people we fell out of love , or that I wouldn’t allow him to be the man he wanted to be ( I will never accept coke as a normal way of life ) as he once told me that it is . I concentrate on our children and make plans and memories as well as trying to do things for myself , I know now leaving him was the right thing to do as much as it hurt my heart .

I know it doesn’t seem it right now but you will start to get your life in order without them and I promise it will look and feel very different even in a few months time, like inner peace  begins to wash over you .

Lozzy and Navy , hope the new year is treating you ok :/ how are you both ? .

it’s just awful , I still get blown away when I come on here reading similar stories , the same effects and behaviours it has on people and the same devastation to loved ones . if someone said to me 5 years ago that this was going to unfold like it has , I would laugh in total disbelief- I will never fully come to terms with it I don’t think,  but I will live for my kids and me now everyday xxx

[navy]

Hi purpleheart

so lovely to hear from you, I used to chat with you on a different thread (merry go round from hell)

im so happy to read that you have got off  the merry go round, and are now enjoying your life. It’s so hard to take that first step.
Well done.

im having a hard day, being left again on my own on a night out with friend’s thank goodness for good friends whom took me in let me stay in their house until he got home as he took my key.  I don’t think he will ever get better, the days he said he sober is lies his behaviour has got worse his Anxiety has got worse everything’s so difficult for him from waiting for a taxi that is 5 mins late turns into a row and to take the car the waiter whom forgot to bring the water is useless, the need to have any Patience is gone, I’m left to sort out bills, to ring the taxi firm, to find the waiter I’m just exhausted by it all that I don’t want to go out with him anymore.

I’ve tried I really have even tho he makes me feel that it’s all my fault. I don’t look after him when he stressed, ffs sorry

 

im feeling so sad, I’m feeling very low,  I don’t think I can do this anymore. I need to be happy and only I can do this.

take care all,

navy xx

[purpleheart]

Hiya Navy ,

I remember chatting  🙂 ( I do at times go back to them posts just to give myself a wobble and remember  the really dark times and what place I am in now).
Awh Navy , it’s just not right – a night out with friends should not end with you deserted and so upset .
Do people around you know about his addiction ? Do they support you ?.
The lies and the selfish behaviour just snowball the longer it went on  I found  ( I’m still dealing with this now even though apart  and I don’t believe it will ever stop unless he realises one day it’s time to stop).
I know you will have commitments and reasons for staying so long but you have to do what’s best for you in this life because right now he isn’t the best .
Do you see him changing ? If you look into the future,  can you take another x amount of years of this ?. Sending hugs cause it is  so dam hard , hope today isn’t full of upset carried on from last night xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy , Lottier and purple heart (and anyone else here!)..

I’ve been fairly numb, and empty since new year. I am finding it hard to keep a journal or even reply here…I can’t explain it …I’m just paralysed at moment  … He has gone into saviour mode , appearing to my family he does nothing but love and support me , whilst battling his mental health demons (they have no idea of the true depths of his demons).

Oh gosh the ordeals Navy I feel we have them crises at least every couple of days…. The nights out that never were , I ended up promising myself this yr no more making plans , buying tickets for gigs, cinema etc cos he always finds a way to sabotage it and get back home asap without going to the gig or watching the film etc , using illness or some crap excuse so he can use at home again ….and it’s just further £ down the drain (having budgeted carefully to even pay for these things) and another chance in time to make new happy memories gone…  The last true happy memories I have are from at least 5 years ago now. So sad.

I think at the moment he knows he needs to try and be on his best behaviour, I think I was definitely getting stronger and ready to walk away. He hasn’t used much at all and is trying to spend time with me …and of course I then feel guilty for wanting to leave …I know he did some last week where he has pretending I haven’t noticed , but he somehow managed to keep a lid on it and not go too crazy or use in front of me.. but I know this must be killing him! He is just waiting for the perfect excuse (i.e. me!) For his next big blow out and then we will be on that merry go round… Will no doubt be on his next pay day ..  I feel so bad for thinking this but I know after so many years how the story goes…  He keeps saying this yr is different , but given his dabble last week and pretence that he hasn’t touched anything yet in 2024…I just know deep down how it’s all going to go.

 

Just hope I can get out of this funk I’m in soon and start working on myself ….and get the courage to finally do what’s right for me

 

[purpleheart]

Stay strong Lozzy – your building yourself together by the sounds of it and only you will know when you have got there .

i totally get the memories thing , I can’t handle looking at family pictures from the last few years when it was all happening and I was still in it. Sad thing is I will Look at his eyes in a pic and know now straight away where he was at – then I feel robbed of a false time and sad I was naive yet at that point I was so paranoid and constantly “on watch “ cause I wasn’t sure of the signs .
you will make memories again – but he may not be part of them. Sending hugs , take care xx

[Lottier]

Hi all

I’m feeling really low this weekend and don’t really know why, he’s gone away so thing it’s fact he’s able to move on and live his life while I feel mines tumbled down

reading all your posts still scares me how similar our lives are, I’ve long dresses for balls we never made, he went alone this year, taxi companies we can’t use as he shouted at them and so many questions going round my head re old rows he started but I’m always blamed for

I know it will get better and hope you all can get the strength to leave to as this merry go round is never going to stop, and it’s easier to blame us then themselves so we will always be the villains in their eyes.

purple heart hello, thank you for your message and sharing, sounds like you’ve been through it and have come out stronger, and I hope to be there very soon, one question I’d like to ask is does your husband see your children, I have a 3 year old and have concerns but know I will need to sort access but that scares me, he’s been using since she was born so has not really been around, taken her twice to soft play but otherwise sleeping, at the gym or “working” she doesn’t know any different, he seems to get bored of her easily which sounds awful but no other way to explain it xx

[purpleheart]

Hi Lottier.

So he was seeing them but I withdrew contact a few months ago because he began to deteriorate whilst they were in his care .

Bit of an essay this sorry – so when I moved out my husband saw our children every weekend through mutual agreement  in between the binges but this was all micro managed by me drug testing , assessing him on drop offs and picks ups it was intense and then when they were with him my constant thoughts were if they were safe and if he was managing.
I look back now and feel silly and used , I backed the weekly visits because although our relationship couldn’t be saved I thought him being around the children may give him the kick up the backside basically to get clean for good and be a proper daddy again ( I was enabling him basically ). For a few months this worked well and the kids were happy , he seemed committed although I knew he was using and cutting it off in time to have the children .
but gradually he became increasingly stand offish at drop offs , our eldest started telling me he was sleeping for half of the days whilst the children had to entertain themselves ( they are all under 7) , occasions I went to pick up and they were up but not dressed , fed and left to roam about the house whilst he slept like a zombie – obvs withdrawing . Then he started testing positive and being aggressive with me on multiple occasions . And then to the point that he would say no point testing as had been out so deliberate as  he knew they were coming to him in less than 24 hours and I couldn’t plan anything for the kids or myself anymore .
family both mine and his were telling me he wasnt coping and questioning the arrangement , solicitors advised the same for safeguarding and following a couple of more serious incidents between me and him I stopped contact ( he can call whenever he wishes though ) .
I tried supervision with his family before I stopped visits completely – turns out they couldn’t be trusted and said he didn’t need testing if someone was with him and the children . I did not agree,  the safety of our children is paramount and he cannot be trusted and sees no harm in driving them whilst high . So that ended there . I’ve told him he needs to raise through court and get access , he’s also advised he will go for 50/50 custody .
He now despises  me as he said it’s uncalled for yet we can go a weeks at a time  without hearing off him at all ?! , he has also began to be awkward in the divorce and won’t accept he has an issue at all – it’s me and everyone else against him ?! He told me last month in an honest lucid moment that he took the p1ss out of me letting him have the kids because he never thought I would stop him seeing them  .

One day hopefully somewhere in the future maybe he will be able to get sorted  and understand  my actions when he’s clean and functional . until  that day I will  continue to raise our children whether he’s around or not .ad I said he’s still constantly using or not functioning at all because of the withdrawal . So who knows what will happen .

Just becareful with your precious little girl- you do what you feels right by her and you  ( not him ) cause you will feel guilty for the action he has forced you to take  and he and others will pile pressure on you .. but she is your child and her safety and happiness is  key – stay strong and stick with your gut xx

[Lottier]

Thank you so much purpleheart and I’m so sorry you and your children have gone through this, I do think he will realises one day why you did it, but it is so sad how much of the children’s lives they miss out on due to their actions then hold the other parent accountable.

My priority will always be my daughter and her safety, I’m not a malicious person, as he makes out to his family, and would never punish him by keeping her away from him, we are still under the same roof but he chooses to lock himself away, he comes down to cook food or go out, and will say hi and bye to her, some days he sits in the lounge and I’ll go to do the washing or something just to give them space, but he disappears after 10 minutes, he tells his family he can’t bear to be around me.

He admitted he had a problem just after she was born so was ill or sleeping a lot of her life, she doesn’t know any different which is sad, I couldn’t leave her with him as I’d go to get changed and come down and he was fast asleep, I didn’t let him take her out in the car as he was usually drunk or had drugs in his system, and although he’s back from rehab I don’t know if I can trust him to stay clean, he swears he is and has beaten his illness, but he has so much anger and hatred towards me, he just doesn’t seem right, I don’t know what he does locked in his room all day, I’ve had 3 1/2 years of broken promises and lies and got so used to being a single mum that I just do what I always have

She picks up on so much too which is hard, she’ll say I don’t love daddy cause mummy doesn’t love daddy, I’ve said you do love your daddy very much and I do and always will love him as he gave me you.

it breaks my heart as he so wanted to be a dad, as he felt he missed his other 3 growing up,  business was going well, so we could spend less time working more time with her, and as she grew up take her to school together wave her off, silly things like that.

We built a beautiful home together too, but he got so happy that everything was perfect that he needed more and chose drugs, he’s missed so much of her milestones, and seeing what an amazing little person we have.  The business is gone and the house will be soon too, it just all seems crazy and I feel so lonely and tired, I thought rehab take 2 would work, but nothings changed, I hate to say it but he’s worse, we used to have one or two nice days but now he just makes my life hell like he’s punishing me

and I’m sorry I’ve gone on again I’m just a bit low today xx

[navy]

Hi everyone

this is a living nightmare.

Sunday was awful, we hardly spoke to each other, but here Iam trying again, what is wrong with me. How many times do I put up with this. Most of Our friends do not know what is actually wrong with him they think is mental health issue with Covid. However they support me and are kind and caring towards me, they said it’s not my fault.

We seen each other for  dinner last night it lasted 20 mins, he was agitated, tired and needed his own space, (struggling) at least he spent a little bit of time with me, he then met me for breakfast @ the kitchen table this morning again he was tired. But he was there……He had a meeting at 11 which he didn’t make as now unwell cold, sore throat probably a has chest infection!!!!! Awful as it sounds I don’t believe him. Yes he has a cough……which is what always happens on the comedown, the same routine.always ill.

So I think it’s just the comedown affecting him.

im sending all my love to you who are going through this.

navy xx

[purpleheart]

Navy there is nothing wrong with you , this is unfortunately what happens – them and their addiction grindes you down 🙁 . Only you will know when enough is enough – keep talking though and most  importantly look after yourself first everytime xxxx

[navy]

Thank you purple heart

it’s nice to hear someone tell me that’s there’s nothing wrong with me.
Im just praying this time is different and he is not lying to me it’s only been 4 -5 days and around now is when the devil appears stronger and more determined to change his thoughts and row with me so he has an excuse to use.
I’m trying the next few days to stay strong.

love to you all

xx

[Lozzy80]

Evening all

It sure does mess with our heads , I am in a dark place at the moment and feeling fragile

It’s in moments of calmness the chaos and turmoil catches up with me, I’ve got so many other worries at the moment.

I should be hopeful / relieved he isn’t using right now but it never lasts, we still have money worries and also he replaces the habit wth emotionally depending on me n demanding every spare moment of my time…this is on top of managing my job which is v stressful at the moment… Argh then I hate myself for thinking so negatively of him , he seems to be trying to hard at the moment to stay clean and also support ne..gosh it’s a rubbish feeling

So yes feel so overwhelmed at the moment. Need to get out n do something I enjoy , will try tomorrow to find half hour or so to do something just for me that brings joy n peace…before I end up having a complete breakdown

Still waiting desperately for or counselling, but it’s a free service so could be a long wait , wish I wasn’t in so much debt n financially supporting the both of us so I could pay to go private.

Hope you can all find moments that make you happy and give you peace.. we need them to get us through each day xx

[Lozzy80]

Having said all that I am grateful to share and listen about your own experiences here, sorry you are all going through this but it is sone help to share with others who really understand .. to be fair this is probably helping me more than any counselling

So a massive thank you for sharing your own stories and advice  , it’s helped me so much xx

[Lottier]

There is definitely nothing wrong with you Navy and you must be exhausted, it is like walking on egg shells worried what is going to cause the next row, I’m sure we all know the feeling and no one should feel like that.

I do hope this time is different and he can stay strong for the both of you but try and look after yourself xx

[Lottier]

And I agree Lozzy this is definitely more use than counselling, they listen but will never completely understand things, unless they have lived with an addict.
I’m sorry you’re feeling low and I hope you do find something you enjoy so you can have a bit of you time, you deserve it
It is like you said awful so many are going through the same thing and scary how similar they all act and how much we have or do put up with.
Things can only get better for all of us, thank you for all your messages and replies you help keep me sane when everything seems to much so please take care xx

[Lozzy80]

Just a quick update from as I’m so tired????It’s been another very stressful week… All the chaos that revolves around him , I’m exhausted and desperately need to focus on some of my own issues but my life has been overtaken with his problems…every single time ????

[navy]

Hello everyone

I know I’m exhausted too. I’m trying so hard to help him, but I’m getting angry things that are normal to me are hard for him, he trying therapy, self help books, online apps and has been clean for a week so I’m keeping my fingers crossed

will I ever trust him again. I’m thinking of asking him to do a test for me and if he puts up a fight then I know he can’t do this if he willing then that’s another step forward.i just want these awful thoughts to get out of my head.

thanks for listening and I pray for all of us in finding peace and wellbeing in what we want to do

xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hey Navy

I remember thinking  about testing , but then deep down I knew that was never needed… We know our guy instincts really, we alwayspot the clues

Once again my instincts this week were right ????

I’m so gutted right now. I let him back into my heart , I let him get close to my family again. He’s had a bit of a rough time this week so if course straight back to old habits. I can’t go through this anymore … I promised myself I couldn’t allow any more lines to be crossed… Just don’t know what to do I am in such an emotional mess

 

 

[Lozzy80]

I see what you mean about suggesting testing though , to see how committed he is to stopping

My husband has done various things to “prove” his serious about stopping , sometimes I think some part of him genuinely wants to but in the past a lot of it I feel was just for show.. attend a couple of online meetings  , reading a self help book etc… after a few weeks he thinks he has proven himself then it’s back to square one

So so fed up right now ????

[navy]

I agree with them thinking they can do it with a couple of books and online therapy once a week it’s not that easy. They need dedicated therapy everyday for at least a month and then once a week for life to keep them on track this stuff is evil and will lure them back in like a flick of a switch.

my husband is going through a tough time at the moment and I know he had used but had not opened up to me. He says he committed to giving up. Does that mean he will continue to use but not as frequently and when he does he will go back to trying again. I don’t know if I can live like that waiting wondering seeing that he had used again rowing about it feeling anxious not sleeping it’s a cycle of disasters.

i have been going through this so many times and I’m too old to keep doing this, this should be my time of life to enjoy not be worrying.

im so sad and I m in turmoil of what to do. Do I give the next 3-6 months to him and see how well he coping and then say if he still using albeit now & then to say to him enough is enough. I pray most days for him to have the strength to say no to this drug to not buy it or use it in our home.

thinking of you all xxx

[Lozzy80]

I know that turmoil all too well…I’ve given my husband 6 months …constantly for the last 5 years… I went back to him because I was clinging onto hope and he genuinely had me convinced time after time for the first few yrs that he was going to change.

Even this last time before new year and I had to help him pay of £1000s to dealers … I really thought this was his wake up call… But once again he is going through a very rough time (part self inflicted as he doesn’t do anything to change his own situation with work) and he has now relapsed and already starting to rack up debts again with the same dealers that I ended up helping him pay off using up rest of my savings and a credit card.. so this time I really can’t help… I know what’s coming next with the pressure to help again and that he is suicidal and desperate but I think I am now at that point I will never ever lend him that sort of money again, esp as now can see it didn’t stop him using again , which was the whole reason why I helped him pay off, with the purpose being he wouldn’t need to be in contact with them anymore …more fool me …so angry with myself !

[joni]

Well, here I am, writing on this random boardI found, because there is absolutely no one to talk to and absolutely NO help available. I am just at a point where I think i’m having a nervous breakdown. I can not stop crying. I am as low as it gets. The only time comparable was when my parents died. I am stuck. Got no job, running out of money, and i need to divorce him. I finally talked to a lawyer today, well I have called lawyers before, but this one talked to me. But then he said he was too expensive. I have no income, i can not for the life of me find a job. I have been trying so hard. I am a professional, and can not get anything. Entry level, nope. Too old. High level, nope. it’s not happening. Meanwhile i have an alcoholic husband, and realize I have been enduring cyclical abuse for years. He can’t stop drinking. He has tried, but always ends up binging again. It’s like on a monthly cycle. So I will have 3 weeks of somewhat normalcy (although not really, but tolerable and even some good moments), and then he’ll binge and it starts with him just being annoying, irritable, irrational, unrealistic, and so on….and it ends with his being on the couch for days. And in between I deal with his unacceptable narcissistic drunk behavior. I am trying now to figure out even how to divorce and how to live. I’m in my mid fifties. Can’t get a job, need a divorce, and do not know what to do. I have tried to find therapy, and i can’t find that either. I have called domestic help lines, but he hasn’t physical hurt me, so it’s not for me. I have exhausted all of my friends who just think I should simply leave, and are mad at me I haven’t. But they don’t know how to do this. They say get a lawyer. Well, I have no money, no job. No one will help you in the USA if you have no job. You are completely screwed. You get NOTHING unless you are a corporate slave. I am lost and don’t know what to do. I can not find help. This thread is the first I have found of people who are also stuck, going through similar situations. Alcohol is fatal, and, should I survive this, I will make an ad campaign to that effect. Advertising has been my career, and it has now been taken from me, along with everything. I have lost my parents, now my husband, my career. I have a daughter, she is all I have left the only one I trust loves me. And I am trying so hard not to derail her. That is what I have been doing for years. I am trying not to burden her, she has had enough of this shit. She is finishing her undergraduate degree and I do not want to ruin her final semester. She is a 2020 high school graduate, and her final semester was canceled because of covid. And she has had an alcoholic father. And his family are  alcoholics too. They are functional though. He has not been. I know no one can help here, and you are all in the UK too. I went to school there and remember how the pubs closed at 11. I thought that was brilliant. Maybe it’s changed. In any case, there are a lot of us, aren’t there. Alcohol sucks.

[joni]

Wouldn’t it be nice, not to have to think about it. not to have to worry about your partner’s behavior. And also to have a true partner, or be alone. I am at that point, sadly. I took off my ring. I have a dent and a callous. It’s been on for 30 years.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Joni

Oh gosh the UK has changed so much …there are 24 hour drinking venues now and rife with alcohol , drugs and knife crime

I’m truly at the end this week .. no more arguments or tears…I’ve gone numb… I’m very very fortunate to still have my mum, it really causes her so much stress though when I leave/fall out with my husband…she doesnt know the full extent at all

Like you my friends have had enough of seeing the change in me , only one knows the full extent and isn’t exactly empathetic even though she had a family with similar issues but she blames her late mum for not standing up for herself against her alcoholic son and I think she’s projecting that now onto me .

I really do think I’m at the end …goodness knows how going  to untangle myself …and will be horrible to watch him go totally off the rails when I leave but I guess that’s part of the manipulation, it has usually kept me here in the past…or he will rack up so much debt and then if I do go soft and take him back he will somehow.make me think the debt is my fault for overreacting and leaving so I have to sort it.

Hopefully not this time .

 

In the UK we can get divorced without lawyers , online ..it will have financial consequences for me I’m sure (he’s good at finding ways to claim compensation etc!).. but I’m last caring …..my sanity comes first

 

[Lozzy80]

Ok numbness has been replaced with some tears this morning ????

Joni what you had said has twigged something inside me. I still have my mum, but shes getting old and frail…she is the only one I can turn to for support and a roof over my head so I can escape (he will never leave!) ..I went and stayed with mum before , years ago because of this crap but I stupidly went back to him… it’s dawned on me I am on borrowed time I need to reach out for support now before it’s too late…. The thought of not having my mum around has killed me this morning.

But I’m also torn …he has deteriorated back to being so out of his skull again which will go on and on now until a suicide attempt or something horrible … So do I leave when he is vulnerable ..even though he did nothing whilst he was sober for a few weeks to ensure this doesn’t keep happening ?….

Just so torn .

Just done some cleaning with nice smelling /cleaning products and will take a shower then dog for a walk …try get focused and back to calm and in control…that’s the plan..

Hoping all of you are ok ???? and sending positivity and strength to you all xx

[Lozzy80]

Just an update from me as been a couple of weeks , I don’t expect any reply just leaving it here I guess for my own journal of what’s been going on

He didn’t go totally off the rails after my last post although the cold turkey wasn’t pretty… He has had a few more lapses since then but not quite so severe. Obviously more debt then followed now he is borrowing large sums from family to cover these lapses.

Not sure it this is what has slightly sobered him up but I had some crap news last week about my health – totally out the blue when checking for something else.

I’ve shed  a couple of tears but stranglely not much , I feel quite numb, as though all of this is happening to someone else and not me.  I think I will always wonder whether the health issue I now have was triggered by the stress and trauma of the last half a decade ????

anyone reading this who is living in chaos and trauma due to their loved ones addiction my advice would be to break free , look after yourselves and your health xx

 

 

[purpleheart]

Hiya Lozzy ,

im so sorry to here about your health news , stay strong and I hope you recover very soon .
I hope for your sake to that maybe this is the wake up call for him . Please look after yourself – sending you a squeeze xxxx

[Lottier]

Hi lozzy

I’m sorry to hear about your health and hope you feel better soon, it doesn’t seem fair after all you’ve put up with, I’m sure the stress hasn’t helped but I hope you are able to take your own advice and start putting yourself first, your health is everything and although the shock may make him behave for a bit you will always be looking for signs and putting him first as I think we are all guilty of doing

Please take care

[Lozzy80]

Hi Lottier

Nice to hear from you. I know you are right I am thinking things will go very pear shaped again soon.. he has had the odd blip but it will build into chaos again. It’s been nice having him back for a while which is always a double edged sword as it means when he lets me down it hurts so much more. Maybe I should have kept myself closed off … I am on my guard though and first sign of trouble I’ll have to keep my distance, for the sake of my health I have to
<p style=”text-align: left;”>hope you’re ok Xx</p>

[navy]

Hi lozzy

so sorry to here about your health, you must look after yourself , I’ve been to doctors lately because I’m not feeling right, got to have bloods done, I hate the waiting.

How are you know, hope you are coping ok and putting yourself first.
Why do we care so much, why do we put ourselves through this for someone who promises us the world and falls at the first hurdle and thinks that it’s our fault and makes us feel guilty, this is not fair. I wish we were stronger to say enough is enough, it is just so scary.

Take care sending hugs.

love Navy   Xx

 

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Nice to hear from you although sort it may mean you are still needing to visit here and so sorry to hear you too are not feeling so good , all fingers crossed for you that you are ok , maybe run down from all the stress.

My husband has been playing the supportive dutiful concerned husband which is very unusual however he is still having the odd blip so just dreading that snowballing again soon. He is also still very skint which puts a massive strain on us.

I am having more tests done, which will confirm my course of treatment …I’m just about hanging on at work…it’s sorted of my escape when I’m there although it’s now more difficult with my health. Im also slowly going back to things I enjoy like the gym but harder now I have health issues, just got to find the right balance.  Still waiting for counselling ….that’s turning out rather disappointing through NHS as the assessments were quick (before Xmas!) but now this long wait for the actual counselling

Anyway hope you are ok Navy , we must now take care of ourselves, and put ourselves first xx

[navy]

Hi everyone

well I’m afraid not good news for me. I’ve left him for the final time, I can’t go back and put up with this rollacoster anymore.

im currently sitting on my way to my parents whom are very supportive.

im trying to hold it together but keep letting the tears run down my face what must people think……

my heart is broken, im the one feeling guilty cant believe his behaviour yet again. I know he has used and he still not admitted he still doing it. I’m not allowed to ask how he doing or test him as it’s to much pressure!!!!  Really I thought when he doing so well he would want to shout it from the roof tops…… this is why I knew it’s something he couldn’t give up.

Hope you are all looking after yourself and putting yourself first.
this is going to be day one for me and I come first now.

 

love Navy xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Just catching up here, oh my goodness..  you are so strong and brave, you sound like you have fight in you now, putting yourself first.. hope you are ok, must be all sorts of emotions…hope you finding peace and relief though… Now out of the situation hoping it helps you see things more clearly.

I’m still hanging on in my relationship for now but honestly don’t understand why… It just takes so much courage and energy to leave  and I can’t handle the upheaval right now even though staying causes it’s own stress

I really hope things are improving for you now xx

[Val Raye]

This is my first time trying something like this, it’s new to me, but  hoping it can help, or I can get some advice and support where I can talk honestly about my feelings. I do not open up fully to my friends that I never see often anymore. My mom is the closest to me, she has enabled me to just take care of me and my boys and do what I have to do, to keep going. I live literally day to day, one day at at time. Being involved with someone who a drug addict is so unpredictable. I cannot plan ahead. We have been together for 10 years and have known each other longer (before he got into drugs)  He has two older boys from a previous marriage that had failed related to his early years of addiction and infidelity. I got officially together with him after this, as I was coming off a divorce and was drinking heavily. We stated partying together, moved in together. A lot of love and experiences, even though we were both struggling we were always there for each other and he made me feel special, he was different, very intellectual, a kind heart, charming. More than meets the eye. I got away from it when I got pregnant with our first son, I completed a treatment program, and we had our second son 2 years after that. I resent the addiction behaviours but at that time the months in between after a week bender were good. We had a lot of good memories and I really felt he was my soulmate. I loved this guy to no end and he made me feel like I was this to him as well. There was more good than bad, even the struggle made us stronger and understand each other through the years. He kept using and I would slip every now and again. We dabbled in different sexual experiences together until the drug ruined our intimacy in the end. Always having the objective to quit, focus on family, and health and what matters. He’s been to rehab at homewood 4 times and going back in the next month or two for the fifth time.Fast forward 3-5 years down the road during this time, mind you he does not have me to accompany him anymore, I am working full time and have our kids to take care off. Resentment grows as risky behaviours are replaced mostly isolating in the basement, until the 3 or 4th day of staying awake he turns into a lunatic, walking around paranoid with a hammer thinking people are trying to come in to harm him. Hearing voices that are real to him, delusional story creation that I am doing something suspicious when I am not, and after he comes out of it, he still believes that it may be true and starts to look at me differently and little by little these escapades at hotels, escort calls, numerous sex messages, pics, videos, gay spas, that i believed his stories of the “close calls”and it is something that the drug draws him towards the risky behaviour it’s all talk and when it came down to it, he didn’t follow through, until I could not deal with the toxic environment anymore I was either packing my kids and going to my moms or I would luckily sometimes able to get him out, so he just ended up staying at hotels and pop in unannounced to the house spun. He would also message me the whole time either be about how sick, depressed, or wants to end his life, and how he can’t keep going through this cycle of self sabotage. By this time I have tried everything to try to help him stop, (taking his keys, wallet, getting out of the city, going to meetings, I’ve gotten angry, I’ve been nice, I’ve avoided, I’ve given ultimatums, I’ve given responsibility, I’ve taken it away) nothing helps. It does not matter. I now have zero trust, low self esteem, and feel helpless in helping someone, that I loved so much, I mean I just was so in love inside, he ignited something in my soul, that I can’t describe but all you want to do is keep giving it back because it just feels so so good. I truly felt like we were to be together and slowly it got chipped, chipped, chipped away by no having no respect for me, the addict narcissist turned, and we slowly grew apart. His wrong doings when he was high, always had an excuse, when I would try to address my feelings it would turn into a fight, and I would end up feeling like he’s the victim, I would actually feel sorry for him. His real actions were justified by his delusions and our fights. He cheated on me what he claims was the first time, while staying in a hotel with another girl he had met on the street. He states he was in psychosis it was but the sex was real and I had to hear the story 3 times and still helped him to the hospital. He told me like I had no feelings. He used to cry and really convince me how much he loves me and  I read his letters he used to write for me and I cry. I miss his everyday texts in the morning like he really cared how I was doing, and the genuine caring like I meant something. I’ve held onto this past man & a future that now I feel in my heart is never going to happen. I had endless hope that he would get it and today, I feel i went from being too emotional to now so cold that I don’t have any feeling left in me. I’m emotionless to protect myself. It’s the only way I can cope with this because there is no in between good moments anymore. We just live in a house and have kids together. The last two years he can get past 1 month and these last 6-7 months it’s 3-5 days that consist of him using locking himself in the basement, bedroom, for 2 days, than singing uncontrollably mixed acute drug associated turrets for a whole day & through the night. Than day 4 -5 he goes out sending messages to random numbers, watching porn endlessly, he just went out on Friday afternoon and didn’t come back until 4:30 am creeping in the door, his answer sounded made up. He said he forgot where, than later told me it was a gay friend he’s been talking to. The thing that got me was I heard him talking on the phone upstairs from 11-6 am this morning to someone laughing, humbled, engaged, interested, he sounded happy enjoying a conversation that a feel I deserve,  it reminded me of what I missed. I do not get that and it was hard to hear this. No care of him talking to another women when I’m in the next bedroom (I sleep alone for awhile). And the text & picture messages before and afterwards. Why am I in this dying relationship, allowing for him to be complacent with disrespect for me and our family. And before he crashes he goes through a period of uncontrollable yelling like rage, yelling at himself and swearing and screaming behind closed door. My kids have been witness to this, I try to get them to stay at my moms before this happens lately as I can predict the cycle bc she has to take them to school usually now. His life is using and when he crashes he’s sleeping and miserable, depressed and does not participate or do anything. I see how his behaviour is affecting my boys they are 7 and 9 and he has no respect to leave. It is so unfair that he just does not care anymore for my boundaries that I have tried to set or how he is affecting our kids. I have the feeling in my heart that I dreaded would come inside when love has left for him & me and I need to make the choice and let him go, there is so much damage and resentment inside , I am just tired and so so exhausted with work, his behaviours, packing up my kids , being a single mom pretty much, I am lonely, I don’t see my friends anymore, my mom and sister do not want to be around him so it’s strained my family, I love his boys, but they haven’t been coming over often. I have no hobbies, or workout this last year, I  just feel so alone and I want to break down, I’m tired of carrying everything and being strong I just want to cry and scream at the same time. I am tired of trying to hold it together for my kids,  I am so fu!#%ng sad inside that my house is not a home with love. He’s taken that away. He says that I need to show him love again, that’s what will help our family, im so unhappy, i get nothing from this relationship anymore from him, how dare he request that and put it on me when he is the one in the wrong and it is me that needs love. I feel he doesn’t care anymore the drug has numbed his mind and soul, it’s just empty fulfillment now for him. He does not respect me. He is lost and we are two strangers now. It’s really sad to see the deterioration slowly and the person just disappears. I decided to reach out on here bc I’m at my end I can’t live in this with my two sons anymore. He has broken our family and has treated me like a staircase, I know we deserve better and I need to find the courage to step. I am dreading the separation and selling the house process. I feel it is going to be a very difficult process. I’m debating on whether I should just step and stay at my moms house permanently right now, seek legal counsel and try to sell my house through the court system? Or chancing it hear which I love my house, he should go but he’s too ignorant and il have to endure this cycle possibly much longer if I don’t break, until he goes to rehab for the 5th time for two-three months again that did not work. He refuses to go to long term treatment. Even after than the way I feel now is I don’t even know after all this if it can go back or if I can even give myself again how I would want to after everything. I just want my peace with my boys.
can anyone relate or have any advice for me?

thank you for listening

[Val Raye]

I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted.  That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.

[Val Raye]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I wanted to mention that when he was sober for the months in between he was a good father and he was not promiscuous at all. I see that the pull to escape and maybe the risk of dabbling in the sex world is appetizing and this is what he’s ultimately choosing though I wish it went how we both used to want it to be happy family & endless love., that all feels like a long lost dream. I wanted my family together so much. That’s all I ever wanted.  That I’ve endured longer than anyone should. Bc I loved him. I know that our relationship has developed into a trauma bond. If I can be honest I know my mind is traumatized by this relationship and I feel I will not trust again. The risk is not worth the reward anymore. & I am trying to shift my mindset into thinking it’s not what I’m not doing, I am what I have become to him because of HIM. If anything I’ve become a lot stronger, I’ve grown into a woman and i’ve grown as a person. That I can be thankful for.</p>

[Lozzy80]

Oh Val Raye

Hope it has helped you somewhat bring able to share all your emotions and thoughts here. You are not alone, so many of us going through similar trauma, despair , confusion and misery

When my husband is at his worst all I want to do is escape , will stay at my mum’s a few days or at least I used to, but then come back as I’d worry about him having an accident or burning the house down. I have spent countless hours trying to work out my rights , but it seems we both have a legal right to stay in the house …and my goodness he will.make it so hard to sell up and divorce…it will probably end up costing £££ in court fees so that there’d be nothing at all left to help us both move on.  I don’t think ppl who haven’t been through this sort of relationship get that – they do t understand why we stay… But sometimes there really feels there is no alternative

Sorry this is rubbish advice for you! However you do have your children to fight for , they deserve peace. Whilst our partners might not be physically violent their behaviour is abusive so one option may be to speak to a domestic violence charity, if in UK there is women’s aid or search for the domestic violent hotline , start getting sign posted to help – they might be able to offer free legal advice and some counselling.

In the past I have spoken a few times on the DV helpline , it helped during the really bad years although for my own situation their only advice was to leave him and my home and possibly go to a refuge.

Aw hope you find a solution soon…I hope we all do Xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

 

Things have escalated again (surprise surprise) quite quickly. He reverted to almost normal , appearing caring, happier more positive etc with me and my mum , I stupidly went along with this sharade even though deep down n buried I was anxious about him relapsing

Well of course that happened, and his nasty side has come back. He has crossed my boundaries several times this week , on basis he has no choice cos he’s in too much pain …so now it’s out of necessity for pain n how can I stand in his way!

I am now totally backed into a corner. I had a complete breakdown a few days ago… For about 10 hours I just wanted to die .

Now I’m just filled with fear and regret . Fear about the future and how the hell do I get out of this mess. And regret for not leaving years ago . However there is no rule book… If I leave I can do that but do I just walk away from my house that Ive paid for (he stopped contributing years ago now).  He will also refuse or at least make it very very difficult to sell … I’ve not been able to keep on top of the repairs n decoration due to time and no money left every month.

Just so much to think about, my heads spinning

[m]

Hi Lozzy

I really feel for you.

the upset their addiction causes they will never understand. Maybe one day if they get clean.

you should join co anon, for families of cocaine and other kind altering substances. they have zoom meetings on 5 times a week, u can get yourself a sponsor, make new friends who you can reach out to and work the 12 steps to re gain some sanity and clarity.

I’ve been in the meetings 3 weeks and already feel so much calmer and clearer. And most of all not alone anymore.

Xxxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi m

I hadn’t heard of co anon before I will look into this thank you

We’ve just had another blazing row… He’s on a come down after being on it solid for 8 days. Im so annoyed he lets me walk straight into these arguments , he uses these arguments to say I’m the nasty one, it’s his perfect excuse to be the victim and need to use..

I’m so fed up. I want to leave now it’s gone on for far too long …and I’m finding I nearly recognise the man I married.  Just finding the strength to actually leave , go through divorce and selling the house… He will either make it very very difficult….and certainly nasty.. or he will be happy to see it sold quick so he can get his hand on his share of equity to pay off his dealers and just get coked out of his mind for a good few months

[Lozzy80]

That should say barely recognise! Wish we could edit out posts

[m]

Hi Lozzy,

It’s just awful isn’t it.

must be so hard for u non worrying about divorce, nothing straight forward.

that feeling is awful where u know uv been lured in to the argument so u can be the bad guy! and yes u do Barely recognise them, hard to see them as a good person in the end as they’re showing so much bad

My partner not been in house for nearly a month, is on it most days. Still has a job for now but his colleague’s are all on it too N he misses days or goes off his head

I’ve allowed him back a few odd days here n there n after each bender I’m closing off more n more. He’s flip flopping between he needs help to I’m to blame for his using because of my “nagging “ which is actually pure upset and then asking him to honour the promises and suggestions that HE makes then repeats same behaviour and wonders why I’m so angry and then says that I’m not here for him and he’s an addict but yet he says nothing works and wants  my help for more options. I’ve tried to find every available option for him, he doesn’t completely do what is suggested and then obviously it doesn’t work

How can we be there for people showing so little regard for us? It’s hard.

Our intimacy is now destroyed, which makes him feel rejected as if it’s my fault n then I’m scared I will be ditched ????‍♀️

I’m feeling stronger in last few weeks though and friends have noticed a change in me, I’m calmer.

theres a zoom co anon at 7pm this eve of you or anyone interested. Go on the site, click meetings and scroll to the day to get meeting Id. U can also call up the phone number attached to the specific meeting for more information.

Good luck xxx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi m

Not just catching up , had a rather busy Easter.  Partners been keeping his nose clean for Nearly a week now but his moods have been intolerable. He’s borrowed further £££ from family to now pay off dealers n just waiting for that next relapse. He says he’s coming with me to my medical appointment next week where I’ll hear some important news about my health n future treatment options. Part of me wants him there he can be a rock in these sort of situations, but it soon comes all  undone by his outrageous mood swings n the drug use

 

Will try find time to join these online meetings really need that outside support of hearing from others in a similar situation xx

[navy]

hi lozzy80

hope you are ok and your results were ehat you wanted.

Ive been thinking of you and praying that your OH has stepped up and been able to keep that devil away.

im still separated from my OH until he can prove to me that he can quit for good. I’ve set my boundaries and I’m not even considering going back until he is clean and can prove it to me and only then I’m taking things slowly. He had hurt me so badly but I still love him. I do hope what I’ve put in place  keeps him clean. If not then this is his last chance and I walk forever.

 

keeping you all in my thoughts & prayers to keep strong. Believe in yourself and now if this gets worse you’re allowed to leave and grieve for the loss of your husband and come out stronger the other side .

take care all

navy xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy, all,

Navy you are doing so well, I bet it’s not easy at all but hopefully the boundaries provide you with some sense of stability and security.

Not the news I was hoping for couple of weeks ago.I think I just wanted my health issues to magically disappear.  For a bit he was great, being the supportive husband, and he hasn’t had any lapses.

But what feels like out the blue…he has just turned very nasty and now saying unkind and untrue things.

But deep down I always knew there were other issues with the way he is ……just done a total switch on me, stomping around like a sulky teenager and saying some very unkind things. I don’t know why I didn’t think this would happen…he used to get like this now and then even before his issues with addiction.   I am sensing some strong resentment, that my health issues is obviously putting him out. He is still not doing  much to help his own mental or physical wellbeing ..and has explicitly blamed me.

It’s just dawned on me perhaps this is the build up/excuse for the next relapse.

I’ve been in tears all morning but I’ve got to carry on with work and attend various medical appointments. Just don’t know if I’m coming or going. Will try and work on some boundaries so he can’t hurt me anymore .

[Lozzy80]

One week on and true to form, he’s used again. Quite wrecked on fact. He doesn’t seem to care about my health and ignored how distraught I am and in fact said I am being nasty ?!?! Didn’t think my tears and saying I need support and peace and stability was a nasty thing to say/do?!

 

I feel so stupid. I lent him more £££ just leading up to this. He was being great, we had got into a new rhythm with our health and fitness and he was supporting me with my health issues and coming with me to hospital appointments etc. but I just sensed last week what was to come when he changed… And it was all leading up to this big relapse and him just being a total selfish prick again. I am devastated all over again

 

I know each time I go through this turmoil though, I am one step closer to building the strength to leave.

[navy]

Hello Lozzy

im so sorry to read this. You must be in turmoil. Your priority is you. You must look after yourself.

im home but it’s tough, i find it difficult to trust him. He doing tests.

You have to put up boundaries and stick to them otherwise they walk all over you. If they are using every week it’s a problem. They sleep so long and are on edge and conversations turn into argument so they have an excuse.

we don’t love them , we are nasty, we don’t understand. Bullshit.

Which is what I’m trying so much not to do I want to scream at him but I haven’t all week.

im sending my love to you and thinking of you I wish you all the best remember your strong woman and deserve better.

 

navy xx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Navy

Good to hear from you, and hope you have found new resolve after a break and boundary reset.

Ive had a deadful week , and my bank holiday ruined which I was hoping for some time to rest and relax.  He got caught out in the week and me putting in my boundaries and not standing for any more crap means he’s doubled down – constant put downs and said he is finished with me twice… But I’m so broken when he said it that all I’ve done is cry and cry and cry. And he does me down for that too..

 

Honestly the things he has said this week..  and I can see what he is doing but it still kills.md… I’m at a point where I feel so ill , lethargic and low that I feel powerless to do anything about it

I nearly went to my mum’s but I know if she saw me in the state I was reduced to, it would kill her.  At very least there’d definitely be no going back and for some reason that scares me to… Where has the good guy , loving and supportive husband from the last month suddenly gone? .. it’s gut wrenching knowing the coke has a huge part to play…. But he also took it knowing the consequences.

I just feel so trapped , and racked with anxiety today. I’m going to try my absolute best now to look after myself and get out of this rut …firstly by doing some exercise and seeing family today…hopefully it makes me more resilient to his emotional attacks..

 

Take care of yourselves Navy, and all reading this …don’t let them drag you down to their desperate level … It’s really not worth it xx

[navy]

Hi lozzy

oh my lovely, you really need to be strong for you. I know it’s hard and daunting but you have the strength and ability to look after yourself and not him.

fill your days with what you need and want to do. If he wants to Join then ok if not tough go for it yourself.

he needs to realise your not there to be his punch bag (mentally) I know it’s scary been there and done it.

my boundaries have been broken and I’m considering my next move. He has 3. Weeks to prove himself.

I believe he still using and lying to me as he still grumpy, sleeping and then hyperactive so all the same traits as before.

he says he loves me so much and is trying so hard. I believe he loves me but don’t believe that he can give up this drug. It has a massive hold on him.

as I say im giving him 4 weeks to see how he doing then. If there is a difference then great but if not I have to reconsider my next choice. My health and life deserves to be happy.
take care Lozzy and all out there.

stay true to yourselfs it’s hard but we got this .

navy xx

 

[Lozzy80]

Hi all

How’s everyone doing, been a long time since posted here

Things were slightly better for a bit but have boiled over yet again now …but with control and manipulation really ramped up now that I’m setting very clear boundaries.

He still swings from abstinence for a bit , saying and doing all the right things to suggest he finally understands that he is an addict and cannot ever touch cocaine ever again…to then using again and saying he needs to be able to let off steam and that it’s just a one off , etc etc , but of course it’s never a one off ….yet every.time I have to listen to all this , that he can stop, and that I am such a terrible person who doesn’t understand and then twists it all round back on me … It hurts so much.

I do really think this time I’ve been backed so far into a corner the only option is to leave …for my own sanity and maybe for his…if I don’t go nothing changes and his behaviour continues.

[rabbito]

Hi Lozzy. I’m so sorry to hear things are  bad again. I have been in a similar position, walking away but then going back. Nothing changes in the long term!
Currently, it is over and I am trying to stick to no contact (easier for me as we aren’t married or own a house together, thankfully). I have met someone new and although very early days it has been shocking to me how different things can be when you’re not with someone who is an addict and abusive. It’s going to be really hard to begin with but you can do this. You deserve to be happy and not waste your life on him. If you want someone to talk to for mutual support then I’m here. I’m still having wobbles but starting to feel like I’m stronger. When I think about going back I ask myself why?! What am I missing? What am I going back to? Endless shit! Sometimes I feel lonely, guilty, bored, maybe I even miss the drama cycle in a weird way…but having peace and control over my own life is starting to feel way more comfortable and like I want to make that my priority. You CAN do this xxx

[Lozzy80]

Hi Rabbito

That’s great news, sounds like there is hope and life after leaving an addict and suffering trauma that goes with it all. Also thank you for your honesty about the emotions and struggles you are going through after going no contact. You seem to be in a good place and a strong person, you got this…keep going and never look back!

Hopefully I can get free from all this soon…it’s so hard , a lot to sort out and for some unexplained stupid reason part of me still loves him .. but I can’t let this continue, it’s destroying me

[Lottier]

Hi all

it’s been a while since I’ve updated on here and lots have changed, I apologise but I am going to do a long post as really want help or advice,

I’ve been to the police who have logged a lot but is classed as civil, we are now going through legal, I’m on legal aid and don’t get much help, he has securitised his legal debt againest the family home so has a lot, I am getting legal letters from him daily.

Hes made us leave the family home, I had a notice to quit and given 5 weeks for me and the children to leave, legally we should have stayed but mentally we couldn’t stay there so my mum helped us get a rental.

He’s now trying to remove my marital home rights, I have to go to court next week, my family lawyer can’t help and all other agencies I’ve contacted say it is wrong not to agree anything but don’t have capacity to help, it was only 2 weeks ago I found out about court

he has started divorce proceedings and is going for custody of our daughter he hasn’t seen or contacted since March

Our businesses went into administration, so we both lost jobs and income, he owes a lot of money and I think any equity on the house will go.

His lawyers are saying he’s not working and they want me to pay £8600 of occupiers rent (for when I was in the house) but he’s on line as a best version life coach, he uploads videos daily on social media about how he has changed his life around, walked away from businesses and left toxic relationships, which were the reason he did drugs, (I’ve blocked him but I have friends who see  it, they are close to commenting but don’t want to get blocked)

He’s  got an apartment and a new car, as he wrote off the other one, he also has a partner, someone he met at rehab, I should have guessed,

I’m not currently asking for child maintenance, as thought of asking him for any help for our daughter feels wrong, I’d prefer no contact at all, the lawyers say I need to but I don’t know

The background of how it got to this is since coming back from rehab a year ago my husband has completely changed, he asked to separate in November as could no longer deal with my abuse, my abuse was asking for some help with the kids, which he took as me calling him lazy and a bad dad (I didn’t and honestly that was it)

My “punishment” was that he removed anything classed as non essential from our family home, every painting, photograph, lamps, stools, plants, mirrors, table mats, table cloths, occasional chairs and table, drinks trolly, clocks, everything stored in our attic, Christmas decs, baby keep sake boxes etc daughters passport, birth certificate

he removed all my clothes etc from the master bedroom and locked it, all this while I had a coffee out with a friend

We then had 4 months of him coming out of the room to go to the gym, to make his own food and to wash his own clothes, he’d say good morning to our daughter, sometimes sit there for 10 minutes and then disappear, and lock himself in his room, when I put her to bed he’d come in while I was settling her (story cuddle lie down lights off) he’d put lights back on take her out of bed then say night and leave, I asked him to stop as it unsettled her so then had to text him to say I was putting her to bed so he could come out the room to say night

He moved to his sisters in march, but when I was out he would return and take more things utensils, mop bucket, cling film, towels

I tried to get an occupation and non molestation order but this took weeks to get anywhere then the family law letters started and I got the notice to quit the home

the last lot of items he removed the police did help as classed it as vindictive behaviour, he emptied a side board (he’d emptied it prior so just things I’d put in mainly kids toys and post all over the floor) took all the plates and cutlery from the kitchen, tv from my sons room and my two large plants (only two he hadn’t taken the first time 🤦‍♀️) and he was told not to return to the house

He did once more, I got a locksmith to get in the empty master bedroom, (just ripped up birthday and Christmas cards id given him and some clothes I’d had in the under the bed drawers)  shed, and garage, none of my things were in there but I wanted to do some gardening, their was a petrol strimmer and gardening tools,  I went to get fuel for the  strimmer but when I got back and went to use it it was gone

I discovered he’d been logged in to the security cameras, I stupidly thought they were off, we’d had problems with them in the past and I stupidly didn’t even think they worked, I searched the house and found a computer set up in a loft above my daughters room which I unplugged but realise he’d known our where abouts

the reason for this post is that he’s put us through so much, my daughter is only 4 scared of him, and going back to the red house (our old one) I have not spoken much about her dad, my 3 older ones see their dad as we have 50/50, and I’ve asked if she’d like to see hers, she said no and that was it, she talks about bad people coming to our new home and taking our things, which I’ve said won’t happen, she sleeps with me and wakes 3 or 4 times shouting mummy, she started wetting the bed before we left but now we’ve moved that has stopped

I don’t know what to do as legally he is entitled to see her but I’m scared it’s not good for her, I just want to do what is best for her, if seeing her dad is best I need to know how to support her so she’s not scared

He is paying for lawyers so they are on at me constantly, each time I ask for help my lawyers have to reapply for funding which takes ages.

4 years ago our life was practically perfect, he then admitted to being addicted to drugs, he said he was so happy that felt he needed more then everything changed

I supported him as I loved him so much and I don’t feel I could have done any more, but he has this hatrid of me and my older children which I don’t understand

again sorry for this post, I know people have gone through similar on this thread so any help or advice would be amazing

[Lozzy80]

Lottier

Sorry you and your daughter are going through this, sadly I’ve not advice for your situation on shared parenting. I know of friends in difficult shared parenting situations where the father is difficult but that is putting it mildly for your situation.  His behaviour is manipulative and vindictive towards you and sounds like could be like this with your daughter too, so all your instincts must be screaming to protect your daughter from him.  Emotional abuse is very traumatic, I am going through it myself.

I can only suggest reaching out to women’s aid – Google them there is a helpline and they can hopefully put you in touch with a specialist in abuse who can best advise, including support through the family courts.

Sending you strength and positivity, hope it all gets settled for you very soon, you don’t deserve this crap xx

[Lozzy80]

update on my situation.

My counselling has finally started and it’s good to have a whole hour once a week focusing on me, thinking about my own needs and what I need to do to get these met.

Situation with my husband is severely bad I don’t know how elseto describe it.. but I can no longer spend all my time focusing on how to make him or put marriage better.

 

All my energy focused on him is destroying me now, so it needs to stop. It’s so hard to watch the person you love chose to destroy themselves but there has to come a point we have to save ourselves.

 

I need to be there for me, and my other family and friends who love me.

 

[purpleheart]

Hi Lozzy

I wondered how your getting on ?, hope the counselling is still going and you have been able to makes some positive steps forward x

[Lozzy80]

Hey 💜

There’s been so much happening. I did leave home v briefly which helped give mg head a wobble. I’ve returned home but feel a bit better knowing my boundaries and holding onto the peace I felt when I was away

Counselling was ok helped lay some foundations but it was perhaps not as effective as could be if was out if the relationship and moving on.

So much happening though , husband having some of his own life events at moment.  He is still using and I’m learning to accept that’s his choice, I am trying not to get wrapped up with his issues now and carry on about my own life. It’s still hard to do at times but something has definitely changed inside me ..  not saying I’m totally uncaring now just not willing to let his chaos drag me so far down to the absolute depths of despair that I haved experienced the past few years.

 

I also found reaching out to my closest friends and family, without going into detail about the addiction, just the behaviour n mental health side of things , has helped me a lot..helped me to realise I’m not a bad person and that I must take better care if myself

Hope all is well with you 🙏

 

[FrazzlePop24]

The updates on this thread have made me realise a) I’m not unique in my experiences, b) I need to go to counselling too and c) I’m at serious risk of losing the plot if my brother doesn’t leave the family home. As I type this, he is in our disabled brothers room passed out drunk at 9:30pm after drinking super strength cider since 8:00am this morning.

He starts off jovial, then irritating, then just volatile, nasty and making up perceived slights to justify stomping in and out of the house because all the beer is finished. He then goes out to his ‘mates’ to use brown. The same mates who got him bottled by a dealer a few weeks ago.

Another Christmas ruined no doubt. I just don’t know how much more I can take.

The local drug and alcohol service have been dangling a 21 day detox programme in front of us for weeks! There have been a further two police call outs since the first one I mentioned a few months ago, culminating in not much. The person who can arrange for this degenerate to go to rehab and get re-housed is apparently on annual leave.

My Mum is now at the stage where, if she speaks, she’ll probably cry. He pretends he isn’t the issue but he really is because the atmosphere is lighter when he isn’t around.

Our sister at uni refuses to speak to him when she is home.
Our disabled brother just tolerates him but is tired of being goaded day to day.
Everyone else is just literally walking on eggshells because sober or not, there’s no telling what will set him off.

It will be such a shame if my Mum has to leave in the night whilst he’s away as she has a lot of memories in this house, but this is becoming a very real option. She is in her early 60’s and should be relaxing now. Instead she is playing referee in her own home for a son who neither loves or respects her.

It’s quite apparent what he thinks of us all, and I just can’t pretend to tolerate him anymore.
I haven’t got him anything for Xmas as he basically lives off us all for free the other 364 days of the year – so that’s my gift (the broadband, gas, electric and food I pay for whilst he talks to me like I’m a complete and utter c**t).

Interestingly, all his rudeness and bravado and talking himself feigning mental illness disappears as soon as a family friend (who is built like a brick sh*t house) basically tells him what a waste of life he is and how he should be ashamed of how deeply he has descended into addiction and let his Mum and sisters pay for everything and take care of the family. He tends to sober up pretty quickly after that.

It’s actually pathetic, and clear what a nasty bully he is on top of everything.

I know I’ll never meet any of you but I just want to say thank you for posting your stories because it makes me feel far less f**king hopeless than I already do. Wishing you all strength and peace over the festive period.

[Lozzy80]

Hi Frazzlepop

Sorry you and your family still suffering due to your brothers disgusting behaviour.  My husband has displayed such cruel horrible selfish traits himself, and yes can be whether sober or intoxicated.  This year has been by far the worst. I think its once the mask is truly fully off they go past the point of caring.

My husband has today proved again just how badly addiction has taken hold of him…just a day out of hospital and he’s getting his fix this eve…  so now I really know he is beyond the point of no return.. in times goes by he would always put his health first

 

Time for me to really think about how to leave now in 2025, for my own sanity and a better life.

 

Wishing you and everyone here a peaceful Christmas …hoping 2025 brings brighter days for us all xx

[thistim3]

Sorry Lizzy:  That you have to deal with all this.  Really is awful.  My holidays aren’t looking so good either.  He continues to tell me that he doesn’t love me and didn’t talk to me or even look at me all day on our wedding anniversary.  It’s messed up.  But, I still will try to have a happy holiday, so I’ll make a plan just in case – if I find myself alone on Christmas. Let’s all work on that.  

[thistim3]

(I typed Lozzy, but it auto corrected me)

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