Thank you for posting. I do understand why you are feeling the way you do. If you would like someone to talk with please contact The Icarus Trust. We are a charity that supports people who are dealing with the addiction of someone close to them. Maybe talking to one of our experienced people would help you to make sense of what you are feeling and find a way ahead.
You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org
Good luck.