[kate2629]

Where do i start? I met my boyfriend nearly a year ago I had known he had a past of drug and alcohol misuse. He was 4 & 1/2 years clean and sober. The gentlest kindest man you could ever meet. An inspiration to most giving back to society in a caring job for vulnerable adults and prior to that a caregiver to those in rehabilitation. He was very proud and very passionate about his own and others recovery too. Safe to say I fell up line and sinker for him. Then things started to change he told me he had had a blip and relapsed but was back on track but this was a lie. His problem got that bad he lost his job he was basically living like a squatter in his own home. He cut all of his friends in recovery out of his life stopped going to meetings. I became his shoulder his outlet. Late last year he rang me in desperation begging me to help him get his life back he wanted to be clean and sober again and wanted me to support him back into recovery. He was paranoid and scared so that night I went to him I stayed with him because he was scared to be alone. The following morning he picked the phone up spoke to his contacts at the drug rehabilitation place he used to work and the response from the community he had once been so proud of being a part of was overwhelming I have honestly not seen support like that in my life I had to choke back the tears. They found him a place at a rehab and after an assessment he went into rehab 2 weeks later. The day I dropped him he was scared and anxious obviously but still very optimistic. The relief sadness and happiness I felt driving away from the rehab was like a rollercoaster the thought of 8 weeks with no contact at all killed me but I was so glad he was getting the help that he needed. 2 weeks later my phone rang it was him my heart skipped that voice made me smile then the dreaded doom. He wasn’t allowed contact how could he be phoning me? My world crashed he wanted to leave he wanted me to help him leave! It broke my heart to tell him no that I wasn’t going to support his decision to leave and that if he had to leave he had to find his own way home. A little later I got another phone call from his key worker to tell me he had calmed down and was staying there. 4 days later he walked out. I had to back away for my sanity and for his. He begged me to be with him that things would work he’d get a job but couldn’t give up the drugs and alcohol right now. I told him it couldn’t work we couldn’t have a healthy relationship and live this way. He spent a lot of time second guessing his need for using and his need for a clean and sober life. Then he got a call one night about a place in a different rehab. He turned to me and asked did I want to be with him if he was clean and sober. I made my feelings very clear about not not having an opinion this time and he had to make a choice based on what he wanted not what anyone else wanted from him. He accepted the place and again was told it would be 2-3 weeks until the position came up. The next few weeks his use got heavier and heavier it took a very big Emotional tole on me. I wasn’t eating or sleeping I was losing weight rapidly with stress and worry. He’s been there 8 weeks now he is allowed phone contact and was allowed visits up until this Covid-19 pandemic. I have been once to visit him. Recently he is talking about not wanting to be there which of course I expected but it’s getting more and more. He’s painting a picture that is all rosey and sparkly to the people at the rehab to his friends in recovery who he has reconnected with and also to his sponsor. He is only telling me the truth about how he is feeling. His need to use is getting stronger and stronger. I don’t feel this bed of roses act hes putting in for everyone else is doing him any good. If he’s not honest with himself and others and he’s just pretending rehabilitation is not going to work for him? He’s still there and has the choice to leave whenever he wants so on some level he must want to live a life free from drugs and alcohol? I don’t know whether to reach out to his sponsor and tell him about his “fake” projection of his life at the moment or will this be a massive breach in his trust in me? I don’t know if I can support his feelings at the moment by myself? Can anyone relate?

[icarus-trust]

Hello Kate,

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I am so sorry to see what an emotional roller coaster you are living through at the moment. I know that can be very hard and am sad to read that it’s affecting your sleep and eating.

You sound like a very strong person but you might like to have some help for yourself. I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer support to people who are dealing with the impact of a partner’s addiction. If you contact us I can put you in touch with one of our very experienced and specially trained people. They would understand what you are going through and talking with them might help you to decide what to do.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

I hope that this helps.

[Author]

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