[rb1992]

Hi, I am new here and looking for some advice. I detached from my alcoholic father and my enabling (towards him) emotionally abusive (towards me) mother 5 days ago. I was supposed to be spending Christmas with them but obviously made other arrangements.

Yesterday a bag of Christmas presents arrived at my house, which my mum had sent over since I am no longer spending Christmas with them. I fully was not expecting this given that I had asked them not to contact me and it really took me by surprise. I found it really upsetting. I’m not sure what her intentions were by doing this – whether she genuinely still wants me to have the presents, whether it’s a case of they were already bought and wrapped so why waste them (despite how upsetting I would find it), or whether it was a manipulative act of “look, even though you’ve detached from us I’m still sending you presents” in an attempt to make me feel guilty.

I really didn’t know what to do for the best (I felt however I reacted would be the wrong way in her eyes) but I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t accept them. If I can’t have them in my life how can I accept gifts and money from them? And plus, what am I supposed to do with them? I can’t have them sitting under my tree as a reminder of a relationship I no longer have with them, and I would find it very upsetting to actually open them knowing I can’t spend Christmas with them.

So I messaged my mum to say thanks but no thanks, I can’t accept them. And she didn’t react well. She said I am being selfish and ungrateful as time and money was already spent on the presents (which it was) and that I’m taking this all too far (as in the decision to withdraw) and that I have broken her heart.

Currently, the presents are sitting in a cupboard, as I can’t even look at them without getting upset.

What would you do in this situation? I don’t feel like there’s any “right” answer here but I’m struggling with any option. As I said, accepting them feels wrong when I can’t have them as people in my life, rejecting them is a smack in the face when time and money was already spent, accepting them would be very upsetting for me.

One thing I considered doing was keeping them but not opening them until we’re back on a path of rebuilding our relationship? I’ve made it clear that my detachment doesn’t have to be permanent, if my dad makes an effort to get help and change I will be there to support, but I can no longer be present when he chooses to drink without accessing/even trying to get help.

This present issue is so minor compared to the scale of the addiction, but it’s something I’m really struggling with as it’s a consequence of detaching that I wasn’t expecting and has further damaged my relationship with my mum.

What would you do?

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