[tiredandtested]

Hi guys,

I’m hoping someone can help! This may be a long one, so please be patient… I’ve been holding a lot in!

Hubby and I have been together for 20years, he’s been a high functioning alcoholic for the first 17 years,we’ve got 2 children (16&19). Those years were filled with his drinking, mostly openly but often in secret (well, so he thought. I was an expert in knowing even before he’d opened his mouth). Every second of my days were filled with worrying what lay ahead, how to hide it from the kids, how to appease him until he had sobered up, then how to argue my case so he could see just how we were all being damaged. This list goes on… But the whole time it was always my complaining about his drinking that was making our lives a misery. If I just didn’t nag then everything would be ok.

Fast forward to the time we spent in couples counselling, and in a one to one session she validated my suffering and that felt like the green light I needed to say Enough was Enough. She said we wouldn’t not be able to seek couples counselling until his drinking was under control. So, eventually he read Allan Carr’s book, and simply gave up… Literally just stopped.

He was very clear that he didn’t want to say he would NEVER drink again, because the pressure would be touch. He had a couple of telephone counselling sessions but didn’t feel the need for anymore, and now the rest, as they say, is history.

BUT… and here is the problem… I am struggling to heal from all the trauma and chaos of my entire adult life. The last 3 years have been amazing, all I ever wished for… In theory. He doesn’t drink, I no longer dread coming home from work, or start worrying from September onwards about how the Christmas period would go. I struggle with anxiety, something I have desperately tried to take responsibility for ever since the pandemic, as I knew I wasn’t safe in my own head. I have come so far, and am so proud of my achievements but I am now filled with resentment about the lack of acknowledgement and accountability from my husband. He sees my mental health as MY problem and he is watches as I try a thousand different therapies, meditations etc to help myself .. but he NEVER considers that actually, HE played a huge part in this.

I recently started Al-Anon meetings, at first I didn’t tell him I went because it felt like a massive betrayal, I’m so proud of him and grateful that it’s over. But I told him in the end, and all he said was “ok”. Not even asked me why I felt I needed it. It’s like those 17years never happened. I’m silently wondering if I’ve gone insane and imagined the whole thing!!

I have brought up the idea of going back to couple counselling as I don’t want the responsibility of handling this on my own and worrying about how to word it all properly so as he doesn’t feel like he’s being attacked. But he just thinks we can “sort it” ourselves. But he has no comprehension of the impact it has had.

Please someone tell me I’m not losing my mind?!?

Thanks for reading if you made it this far xx

[careaboutyou]

Hi Tired and tested, I don’t think that the message from HELP17 will help you..will it!

Just to give you some background on me, so that you know that I understand. My late husband was an alcoholic, he died in 2012. We were in the process of getting divorced because of his drinking and had separated when he died. My son was 5 when he died.

The reason that I chat on this site, is because of the damage that alcoholics do to their spouses and families, and there is little to no help for the people like you and me, who have been deeply affected by them and their drinking. I am 10 years on now and have exorcised most of the bad experiences, memories, flashbacks of terror that haunted me for many years.

Although your husband is sober now ( this is amazing actually and I think he will be in a minority as only 20% recover, or stop drinking I should say ). That still leaves you and the rest of your family, with the damage that he did to all of you.

You are not losing your mind. Living with an alcoholic is like being in the eye of the storm. Never knowing what this chaotic, selfish person, intent on destroying themselves will do next. You are suffering from post traumatic stress and it must be acknowledged and addressed. I think that you will need professional help with both of you going to counselling regarding this. A counsellor with some experience in dealing with the situation. Alternatively you could go with your children, so that you can all talk about it freely….or just go to counselling on your own. Al-anon were useless when I went to one.

I know what it’s like that you will be walking on eggshells not wanting to change the current sobriety. So maybe leave him out of the equation at the moment, just so that you can talk it all out, over as many times as necessary, to unburden yourself of all the bad experiences. I would just do this for you and not tell your husband. If it gets to the point that you feel you need his remorse etc, etc then work that out with the Counsellor at the time with regards to how to navigate that.

You have done a mighty job in bringing up the children given the situation and of course you will feel a lot of resentment as you did it all on your own. It sounds like you’ve been a Saint.

I’m very pleased that you are in a peaceful family now. You do not have mental problems, he inflicted it onto you ( and your children ) and only someone like me that dealt with an alcoholic understands what you’ve been through.

With that said, you are one of the lucky ones that he came out the other side of it….it’s rare.

Very good luck indeed, take all the time you need to talk it all out, over and over so that you can release all the hurt and pain. x

[careaboutyou]

But the post and this site is for spouses, family members and close friends of addicts, not for the addicts themselves.

[louiseh]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind me jumping on your post. My husband struggled with cocaine addiction and has been clean 6 months. Some of the things he put me through are sickening and still fill me with anger and devastation. I have outbursts every so often but it’s all the pain I’ve pushed aside. I think the reason they can’t acknowledge it and pretend to be almost oblivious to the suffering they’ve caused you is because they can’t admit to themselves the monsters they were. It’s easier to shut it out and not think about it. If they understand it they have to admit to themselves. Your not crazy and your feelings are totally valid.

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