[ldrboyfriend1990]

Well I guess it starts roughly 18 months ago, but I can’t be sure. Me and my boyfriend are currently in a long distance relationship and have been for a while before this happened. About 18 months ago he started using drugs. I’m not 100% what he used or even really care, but they were mostly prescription, sometimes his but mostly not his. Pretty strong stuff, pills or a injection. For 6 months he used in secret. He damaged our relationship to its core and at the time I didn’t even know why or what was causing it. Then things finally blew up I was seconds from leaving him and he told me everything. He broke down and at the time I thought he was at his worst. He made promises to never do it again. He’ll stop, it’ll all be sorted. Then we finally got to see each other in person and spend some time together, naturally the topic came up and we spoke about it, in depth, it was emotional and promises were made and I thought it was over and something in the past. Then the day I fly out and land back he’s admitted to hospital. It wasn’t directly drug related like a overdose but it was due to the long term effects of drug abuse. During his time he was in hospital he was pumped full of some pretty strong drugs, and even lied about the amount of pain he was in to keep getting them.

To be completely honest the next 6 months are kinda a blur. I know he lied to me about getting clean and relapsed a total of 8 times. During this I found out that while I was there he had never stopped using, and was in fact the whole time using behind his back. His family in my opinion just enable him, they always have and always will. For my piece of mind at one point I made him get them to confirm to me he had in fact told them about this, apparently there wasn’t anything to tell them, they knew and even thought I knew while I was there. For this I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive them. Just allowing their son to use and abuse drugs, and just not questioning what it was doing to him mentally and physically.

I was lied to a lot, mostly by him, lied to my face, lied and convinced it was me that was crazy, it was me that was the problem in our relationship. That I was making things up when I questioned him about relapsing or when I got concerned that he was showing his danger signs. He lost his job due to his addiction. He lost everything due to his addiction. I managed to finally convince him to go to therapy. He did, quite painlessly and it seemed to be working.

About 2 months clean, Everything was going so well, he was clean he was in therapy everything looked good and positive, he was coming leaps and bounds and really seemed to be sorting stuff out. Then all the signs started flashing, something wasn’t right with him. By this point I think I know when he’s doing something before he’s even done it. This time it was worse then I could have ever even dreamt. He went out and brought some heroin of a guy, as I said before he was only ever prescription drugs. At a time I thought we were honestly over this he stepped it up to a unrealistic level. However naturally it took him a week to finally tell me this is what he did, after a week of me questioning and knowing something was wrong. He didn’t even do it for a fix, or for the addiction. He did to O.D. He did it to end it.

This was the most cutting thing anyone has done to me. At this point my thinking is pretty much purely selfish but 18months in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship with a drug addict will do that I guess. I can’t believe after everything after all that hard work, time and energy, he didn’t even love me enough to live.

As I’m sure you can tell it didn’t work, and he woke up, in fact I woke him up, my ‘spider senses’ tingled and I knew something wasn’t okay and I needed to talk to him, apparently in that second he woke up he realised what he did and how stupid it was, He didn’t want to die and he didn’t want to end it all. The day I found out about this he was put into a detox unit. Not even the day, 5 minutes before he was moved to this unit he phoned me to tell me all this. Then left me for 3 days, no communication, nothing, I was stuck with myself for 3 days and it was the best and the worst thing that could have happened.

When he got out, he got real help, all off his own back, Joined group therapy, stepped up his therapy, went to see the Dr to review his anti depression meds, and is even being referred for a sleep study. he’s now on weekly random drug testing, and group therapy 4 times a week and 1 on 1 therapy once a week. He really does seem to be doing well. If only I could say the same for myself. I feel so angry and so hurt a lot of the time. I’m not a really outwardly vocal person and find it hard to talk about myself to anyone other then him. I’d rather just sit on things and deal with them myself then even do something like this. But I don’t know, is there a life after this?, I just hate him so much and can’t ever see myself forgiving him. But I want to, I want to trust him, and believe him again and believe things have changed, but I’m still waiting for that next thing, the next time, I’m waiting for it to all happen again. And I don’t think that’s fair on him.

Will this ever get better?, will we ever be the same if not better?, I honestly don’t know, I don’t have the answers. But most of the time things feel better, things feel different, not even how they used to before the drugs, just different and better. I see and feel the change in him, but that wouldn’t be the first time. I honestly think he hit his rock bottom, and never wants to get back there. Never wants to replace again.

I think looking back I blame him, I blame him a lot, I can’t accept addiction as a excuse and they are now sending him for sleep study, to see If he has a sleep condition that could cause problems with his mental health and by proxy this addiction. I think he accepts its his fault for the most part, and he is sorry every day, every second and I think he means it. But I can’t forgive and forget as fast as he wants be do. I try, and for the most part it is forgotten, I have accepted what’s happened and we are moving on, into a better place, but he’ll say or do something so small and a lot of the time so pointless and it’ll just trigger me off. Trigger a level of rage and anger that I didn’t know I could feel. To the point I was just want to scream at him ‘well its your fault we’re here in the first place’

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