[ann1]

3 months ago I finally told my husband to leave and don’t come back. 25 years together ( I’m now 42) and I know I have made the right decision for me. For my own sanity, my own peace I had to let him go. It broke my heart. I’m on here now, lonely, worried about him still but a good friend told me not every day will be like this. So on my worse days and believe me since kicking him out there have been worse days: him overdosing on paracetomal 2 times not to kill himself but to try and manipulate me to take him back; losing his job; my adult daughter not talking to him; him not having contact with my 12 year old son… yep the list goes on. I remember not every day will be like this. I cannot believe the train wreck that my life had become. I am 42, a good mum, wife, daughter works full time yet this train wreck of a life I had no control over i was living. I had to get off that wreck of a life.

I say to my kids and to me we will be ok. We might have a bad day or a sad day but not every day will be like this.

What is really sad about this is… my husband was/still is a lovely guy. Caring, loving, big softie but he had been detached from the family for so long and every Sunday spent in bed it become normal for our days out to not include dad.

I still cannot believe my future will not include my husband, but I have made a promise to myself. Move on. He’s dabbled with cocaine throughout our relationship but the difference now is he self medicates with it. And when I tell ya I did everything to enable that man to stop but looking back I also enabled him to continue. I’m stuck in lockdown, working from home, kids busy doing their own thing half the time and me stuck with my thoughts… and amazed that this has been the rollercoaster of my life when I’ve never touched drugs in my life. I realize now I should have left him years ago. All the promises to stop and the meetings, councilling, going on anti depressants. You name it he did it but it was me pushing him into every situation. I arranged appointments or reminded him. I will love him forever but you get 1 life and I want a better future than what my life has been the last few years especially. i know I did everything in my power for my husband to quit and he couldn’t. I cherish my happy times with my husband but I’m also sad for the husband I have lost along the way. I’m so embarrassed that my children, the 2 adult children have had the shame of this on their shoulders. I knew by staying with my husband it was going to affect my relationship with my children. No more. Me and the kids are my priority now. I’m not ok. I’m sad but I know I will be ok eventually. Good luck to everyone else. You will find the strength you need when you need it.

[ash2013]

Wow Ann, you have been so strong. I didnt want to read and run.

Your words resonated with me, living with a cocaine addict is like being on a really awful fast bumpy rollercoaster that wont stop.

I think the problem is that when you live ‘in it’ for so long, you hate it, but it becomes normality, you normalise things that are not normal, not by a long way, but you make excuses to yourself.

Its so sad, but the partners deserve some happiness too, and even though my husband is 9 months clean, the fear of the return of it, is hard. Don’t get me wrong, its not constantly on my mind, but at times it is, more times than it should be. Its almost like I have PTSD from the trauma of living with it.

You are an inspiration! x

[Author]

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