[cardiffbluebird]

It sounds like a horrible situation to be in and my thoughts with you and your dad. It sounds like he is using alcohol as a coping mechanism with both of your loss but unfortunately alcohol is a depressant and makes the situation worse.

Have you tried talking to him to explain how it makes you feel on his sober days? He needs to find some hobbies that don’t involve drinking. If he’s now retired and widowed, he has two massive holes in his life which would have normally taken up his time.

My dad passed away several years ago and while thank god she didnt turn to drink, my mother struggled massively and I think was at the point of going crazy. We got her out of her rut through various things in the community, art class, learning a new language, and off her own back she decided to start going to church. He needs to find a way to fill his life with other people and other things to do. Was there something he always wished he had time to do when he worked? I know it’s tougher with lockdown’s etc but where there’s a will there’s a way.

You also mention that you keep it from people but does he have any other family – Siblings etc? You shouldn’t go through it alone and also, addiction thrives on secrecy. Hope you find a way through.

[olivegirl]

Hi,

thanks a lot for the reply!

I know it is quite common for people to drink more when they have lost someone, and a lot of people are generally drinking more because of covid and the lockdown, so I have been trying not to read too much into it. He is a strong character and I know during the week he doesn’t “need” to drink, he can go without it, it just seems to be something he enjoys doing and looks forward to doing. He often stays up til about 1.30-2am on Fridays and Saturday nights, and as I am tired from the week I sometimes try to stay up as well, thinking that if I am there he perhaps won’t drink as fast/as much as he would do otherwise, but doing that messes up my sleep pattern so much I have now stopped bothering. Perhaps my going to bed earlier might be a sign for him to do the same haha.

It just creates a divide if i do say anything, he sees it as like a way of being controlled by me and that I want him to be miserable and not do anything he enjoys. That isn’t my personality and I don’t like being characterised like that so tend to not say anything. We usually have a lot of laughs and jokes though so the situation is prob not as bad as my first post may have sounded to you.

I know exactly what you mean. My dad has said to me a few times that he intends to do a lot of things, such as joining a walking group, travelling around to see different places in the UK, going to live music, seeing more of his old friends etc that live slightly further away. All these things seem so out of reach to him because of lockdown and covid, they won’t be happening for a while. But I told him that right now is not an accurate portrait of life because covid isn’t permanent! He agrees.

Him and my mum had always worked hard and saved and said they would do so many things when they retired, my mum didn’t get to enjoy any retirement as she was only 62!! It’s so sad. They wanted to move permanently to Spain when they retired and just come back here for a few months in summer. My dad still dreams of this but he thinks that it will be very different to do it on his own, and he’s also not sure what will happen because of Brexit – everything seems to have an obstacle at the moment.

i think when I move away for my new job my dad will have no choice but to do these activities. My only worry is that he won’t do them and will just go to the pub every day, he has reassured me that he doesn’t want to spend his days doing that and it won’t be happening, so I suppose that’s a positive. He said he would like to go to the pub to watch football, as he gets more atmosphere and community spirit to watch it with other people. And perhaps once or twice a week. Which I don’t mind! Apart from when I am grieving and don’t want to be at home alone for long periods, I honestly dont mind him going to the pub, it’s the drinking I’m more concerned about.

I sometimes make a joke out of it, he is always counting calories on foods but that goes out of the window when he’s drinking!! Having said that he’s very slim.

My mum used to say the same as me that we can’t go anywhere on holiday/days out etc without there being a pub or two involved with my dad. When I learned to drive I think he thought that he could now drink more and I could drive us there and back! When we go for meals we always go in my car now.

I feel terrible but I know the lockdown has been helping me with these places being shut etc!! How bad is that!

Familywise my dad has no family on his side and the only people we are in touch with are on my mum’s side, but that is getting less and less now since my mum left, its like people avoid us because we are bereaved and its awkward to deal with or something. But the family we do see regularly, one of them is a very big drinker ex-landlord and everyone looks on him with a sort of awe because he is 70 now and barely has any health problems, seems to have a good lifestyle, but he is addicted to going to the pub and drinking etc. Sometimes my dad mentions him and I have to say, he’s not a role model you know! He is an alcoholic!

[icarus-trust]

I’m so sorry to hear what a truly horrible time you’ve been having and the massive things you are dealing with. You sound very strong but if you would like some support for yourself, and maybe your dad as well, please contact us at Icarus Trust.

We are a charity that supports families going through addiction issues. We offer a range of services and if you contact us I can put you in touch with one of our mentors that we call Family Friends. They are experienced and trained and maybe talking with one of the will help you to make sense of things.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you.

[Author]

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