How to support my Dad

I don’t want to let this go past without sending you some positive vibes, I hope your safe, you will never change someone who has already broken your rules in your home

hi there

I am a recovering addict. I have two grown daughters. I managed to, just about, combine addiction and parenting, although needless to say I should have done better. they both deserve better than me.

I was lucky. I was what is known as a (barely) functioning addict. I did, however, spend a very long time at rock bottom. eating out of bins rock bottom. stealing rock bottom.

your dad is very lucky to have you. I have to say, sadly, that I think I echo the earlier advice. it wasn’t until my father cut me off – literally stopped opening the door or answering the phone, that I made a decision. my mother had already done the same.

they both told me they loved me. and I knew it was true, although I do remember feeling very hard done by. I walked away, felt sorry for myself for a bit, then sought real help.

if I were to advise I would say – your dad needs you to be strong. talk to him. explain why you are doing this. give him the details of some places that might help, but leave it to him to reach out to them. it will have value to him if he does it for himself.

Please understand I am not trained, or intelligent enough to have understood my own problems. this is only one perspective. what I can say with surety is you are unlikely to help by enabling him.

I registered only to reply to you. I hope it helps. I will pray for your dad.

Hello , my partner is a long term heroin addict ( pretty high functioning – works etc ) is in recovery – but relapsed past 10 days.and I have 3 children. Two of them are in their 20’s.

The anxiety is really tough to deal with, I have experienced the anxiety you feel and I think it’s because when we live with this,  it is dealing with a threatening , scary situation . It probably also taps into what you have experienced all your life with your dad . Someone who when ( relatively) sober can be fantastic. Kind, loving funny considerate etc, but when the drug taking tips over they are erratic, moody, abusive, detached.  To be honest – when my partner relapses and he lies about it , I ask him to leave the house. He will usually accuse me of being crazy , awful etc. I stand my ground, he goes – often gets back on track and comes back better. I know your situation is different . But I realised I couldn’t cope with the levels of anxiety that are triggered when my partner uses, they are also connected to past experiences and behaviors . It will have a terrible , detrimental effect on you . You need to figure out what you can cope with and then when it goes over that mark be clear on what you need to look after yourself . Don’t engage in arguments – just be clear “ you need to leave because you’ve been using and I don’t want to be around you “ I often say – “ you are free to do whatever you want – but I don’t want to be around it “. If you suspect he is high,  you don’t have to do anything about it- you have no control over it. It is very likely he will use and lie to you. You cannot save him. The best thing you can do is look after yourself, figure out what you can cope with, don’t blame yourself if that means when it makes you too anxious to cope with, you ask him to leave. It’s really important to have a network of very good friends or/ and family who you can speak openly to about your dad and who will listen without judgment

my heart goes out to you because as a mother I would not want my children to do what you are doing . I respect your choice and realise that you must love him very much