[netchum]

My husband has a cocaine problem. He has always done it here and there on nights out etc but recently it has got really bad. About a year ago he made doctors appointment I was really proud and hopeful. I went with him but although he went in he only sat in waiting room then walked out and couldn’t do it. The reality of this seemed to make things better and was doing it less. Over the past few months he has been doing it a lot and staying out all night with friends that also do it. He doesn’t do it at home he always goes out with others. He keeps bad company and gets offers to meet up for a line etc which he can’t seem to refuse. But the lies and deceit have got so bad now that I can’t take it anymore. I have no one to talk to as I’m ashamed and don’t want anyone to know. A few weeks ago he called doctors for an appointment and was told it’s not a priority because of the virus. This massively knocked his confidence now he says he can’t get help until the lockdown is over. Meanwhile our lives are in turmoil. It’s is now affecting work. He goes out all night then comes home and sleeps all day when he should be at work. One day he left for work in his work clothes at normal time said see you later etc then didn’t come home. He admitted he never even went to work he went to buy drugs then take them with his friends. It has literally got this bad I don’t know what to do. He says he needs help but I feel like he says that to save our relationship when I tell him I’ve had enough. I can’t trust him at all and my life is up and down I feel like his behaviour is cruel. I expect him home for a night in together when behind my back he’s not planning on coming home. He ignores my calls and texts a lot aswell. Reading some things on this sight scares me I feel like there is no way out of this for us as a couple.

[kel1]

It’s awful I know I’ve been there unfortunately same as many others on here. Cocaine is the root of all evil and just literally destroys lives.

There is lots of support out there – drug services are still open and so are CA and NA fellowships it’s not just support from GP he requires.

It sounds as though he is lost to the cocaine so sadly it will always win hands down! COCAINE always comes before relationships, families, work and anything once important to the user.

My advice is to save yourself – the lies will continue. He will only change when he wants to change. You can only concentrate on you now. Be nice to yourself, don’t blame yourself EVER and please do not get pulled into their destruction.

I’m six months down the line and I am still broken after everything I went through with my now ex. We were together for 22 years – a lovely decent man until he got onto this drug. He changed completely and now he is an emotionless monster.

I’ve read loads about cocaine and the effects on the brain – might help you to do some reading. Also, Al Anon is a support service for families affected by substance misuse and they have literally helped my family get back on track.

Keep safe and best wishes

[netchum]

Thank you for replying and for the advice. I pray for the old him to return and for him to get help and change am I really being naive in hoping for this? Sometimes we go weeks without any problems things have got a whole lot worse since the lockdown I kind of think maybe things will get better after! Typing this I think how stupid am I! We have our whole future together we are currently in process of buying another house which is meant to be our forever dream home. He says things will get better when we move but I want him to get help before we make that next step. I know your advice is to leave him but I can’t bear the thought of that especially now in lockdown I really have no one and I can’t be on my own whilst going to the breakdown of my marriage. Same as you without coke he is an amazing person who would do anything for me and we have spent our lives together and been happy for most of that. I feel like now I took for granted when things were great with us and when I was his priority. Thinking about what we had is so upsetting compared to how things are now. I want him to get help so badly but I need him to do it for himself not because I have made him. My gut tells me he won’t do that.

[kel1]

I don’t think you’re being naive, but I would suggest doing some reading on the affects this drug has on an individual. It changes people and sometimes it can be a permanent change.

I do understand what you’re going through as many people on here do and I really feel sad for your situation. My family had it all once too. Lovely children, holidays, house, nice cars and good jobs. It doesn’t matter – cocaine always came first. They have to want help, and because that drug is so powerful it could be a long process.

You don’t have to leave him, however I warn you with this sort of drug you will be in for one hell of a ride. It nearly destroyed me and I am still picking the pieces up.

The lies, the let downs, worries, cheating and the list goes on. It gets worse as they get worse. In the end I was so focused on him that I forgot about me which lead to anxiety. My anxiety went through the roof. I started to doubt my self, blame myself and take on all his crap.

I found Al Anon and started to begin my own recovery which is another story.

What I’m saying is, when they are on drugs they ain’t the person you love anymore, that’s the addiction. Try looking at him as two different people – because the one you love is in there somewhere, however that person has to be more present than the other one.

The betrayal will gradually destroy you so please look after yourself.

Remember all addicts say they will change bla bla but it’s in the behaviour/ action! If he wanted to stop he could stop. He isn’t physically addicted he is choosing not to help himself.

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