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Hi,

I’ve never shared what me and my husband have gone through but I’d like to hear from others that have been in similar situations.

I’ve been with my husband for 12 years, married for 4 years and we have three kids. Lived a pretty happy normal life until my husband was given the opportunity to work abroad as a self employed subcontractor. At the time I was wary, my husband has since I’ve known him done the odd binge on cocaine once or twice a year and so I knew this might be a challenge but it was good money and we had just bought a renovation home.

I could see on the bank account that he was buying cocaine regularly throughout the first 6 months and I would have a conversation about it but he would always say yeah it’s ridiculous I’ll cut it out.
Then came a longer stint of 5 weeks abroad, he was taking cocaine every day, he wasn’t acting himself and barely making work if at all, he admitted he had been smoking crack cocaine and I demanded he flew home or I’d be out there to drag him home. He barely made the flight home because he wanted to kill himself. Got him home, he withdrew for the next week with severe paranoia and tics/shaking to the point I thought he was going to have seizures.

 

I asked him if he cheated on me (I’d seen unusual payments) he was adamant he did not but he couldn’t even look at me let alone touch or kiss me, I knew.
He went to a therapist for cocaine addiction for 4 weeks and suddenly he believed he was cured.

 

I tried to tell him he couldn’t work away anymore but he didn’t listen and we needed the money. For the next two years he continued to binge on cocaine every 4-8 weeks, I’d put him out and tell his parents as a boundary/consequence but he thought because he could stop for a couple months he was fine he didn’t have a problem. We did interventions and all sorts but nothing could get past his defensiveness, minimising, gaslighting, you know how it goes.

I threatened to divorce him a year ago and he was forced to go and do a full course of addiction therapy, this seemed to help him understand and accept he has an addiction. But still, 3 months later (Christmas just past) put himself into a risky environment, went on a night out and took cocaine. When I asked him following this he said no I don’t think I have a problem with cocaine. We stayed apart for a couple of weeks and I took him back like I always did, it’s hard when he’s such a good dad and the kids are wondering what’s going on. This is the only time he’s taken cocaine in the last 12 months.

3 months ago, while in the iPad for my child I had to go in and find a password, I found accounts for escorts. I confronted him he denied using the accounts or meeting with escorts. He lied and he lied until he realised I wasn’t going to let this go. He admitted to sleeping with two escorts back when he was smoking crack cocaine. I then went back through the bank and found payments to another escort, he lied for a week before he admitted that one. I then found blocked escorts (one of which is a trans woman with a penis) and he says he only messaged them didn’t meet them.

I sit here now like wow, this is a man who has worshipped me from the day I met him, loved me like nothing I’ve ever felt, made me feel like the most important woman in the world. He’s not just my husband, he’s my best friend, the most amazing dad. How can he be capable of doing this and coming home to us acting normal and happy.

I’m trying to understand how you can love someone and live a double life like that, to keep doing this to them over and over. I feel worthless, like I’m not enough and my life has been a lie. I don’t think I’ll never be able to look at him the same way again. It’s truly heartbreaking.

I don’t know why I feel like I need to keep giving him chances. Right now he’s in therapy with me, there’s no defensiveness, no minimising, no gaslighting just yes I’ve done these horrible things and I’m terribly sorry.

Those of you that left, how did you know it was time to call it quits?

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