[karen111]

Hi all, thank you for all your stories. Helps me feel less alone in what’s happened this year. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years, that’s nearly half my age. We have a good life with 2 beautiful toddler boys. He runs his own business and has always been a good man. Before Xmas last year some of his staff brought cocaine for the Xmas shut down and he made the decision to get some too. He knows my thoughts on drugs which is zero tolerance. However he became addicted. Not having been around drugs I had no idea. He developed a “sinus infection” on Boxing Day. He was still doing all the normal things at first so I was oblivious. After a month or so he became very withdrawn. I was concerned he was gravely depressed. I’m not one for sticking my head in the sand and constantly tried to talk through what was going on. He said he was disturbing me at night because of his nose so started sleeping in the summerhouse. This carried on for another 3 months. He slept through every Sunday and started missing work at least once a week. I grew frustrated that the doctors antibiotics weren’t working so paid £200 for him to see a ENT specialist for his sinus infection and sent him with a list of symptoms which described a cocaine addict. I must admit I can laugh about it now. I’m sure the doctor still tells his colleagues about the dippy wife that didn’t work it out. I eventually got so frustrated after knowing something was wrong but not getting answers that I called his Mum and asked her to come and talk with him. I worried everyday he was unhappy and would leave me or he’d commit suicide. He told her the same just not sleeping is getting him down etc etc. After trying to talk to him for months I made it clear if he didn’t get help or tell me what was going on I would leave and had already started looking at houses. He confessed that he started taking cocaine before Xmas and was addicted. He’d spent £15k on it and had told his business partner who had been taken him to a clinic for detox during the day in London but he ultimately couldn’t stop. He realised that I was the only one he would stop for. I was shocked but initially a little relieved to finally know what was going on. He flushed drugs and I said I would talk more in the morning once I had a chance to digest the shock but that he needed to tell me everything as I wouldn’t forgive anymore lies from this point. The next morning he confessed that he had slept with a prostitute 6 weeks before and that the guilt meant he went from £100 to £180 a Day habit. I lost it with shock as he is not a cheater and knows it meant we were done. He joined NA and stopped. I know this as I do a urine test with him every 2 days (this will continue for life). After a month we reconciled. I genuinely missed him, he is clean (I’m not naive to relapse, but also can’t spend everyday torturing myself). We’ve been together for 3 months since. At first I went through all the emotions but now I’m just heartbroken. Of all the things it’s the prostitute that I can’t get past. A counsellor has said it was only an hour in 16 years and it could of been a plank of wood. Doesn’t feel like that to me. Feels like every marriage vowel has been broken and I’m grieving for the faithful, loyal and happy marriage I had. He is doing well and is genuinely happy to be back with us, yet I’m fighting tears daily and constantly feel drained with the upset and stress of it all. I need to move forward and I hope it can be with him as I know he is a good man that made a stupid choice that spiralled but it doesn’t erase what’s happened. Sorry for the essay, any advice would be very welcome. Thank you and I hope you all find peace in your futures.

[danman83]

Hiya karen hope your ok… im in the same situation as your husband. But i am doing my best to quit coke. I lapse once a month roughly give or take. I did 2 month at the start of the year and lapsed. Which i was gutted about. I cant stand the stuff. I wish i never even tried it. My spending on it was no were near what your husband spends but i am still an addict.

Do you not think he might of been taking it longer than just before xmas??

Going back to the cheating its very hard to get over and you probably never will. My gf cheated on me with a friend. It was crafty how it happend. But being stupid, i went and got her back. It made our lifes hell for years. But me personally as its been 7 years now. You do get over it or should i say.. it goes away and you dont think about it. Time is a great healer, and i am not defending your husband here.. im saying it from my point of view when i was cheated on. But everyone is different.

But if like you say you want to stay with and he is a good man and he is staying clean. Just ride the storm for abit. It is hard. Plus cocaine does that to a lot of people, i hear it alot on here and other places.. people get an escort. He wouldnt dream of doing it clean. Its just a horrible drug. Just be firm with him regarding coke, and make sure he doesnt drink alcohol or associate with anyone with coke. Ive took up reading to distract me and another 4 books have come through my door today to keep me occupied. Lol.

Feel free to ask me anything and good luck.

[karen111]

Thank you for your reply. I believe it was Xmas as everything changed in January and going through account etc you could see the spending pattern. He has told me so much, I guess I wonder what would be the point of him lying now. He was only able to spend that much as we have it. Which now feels like a bit of a curse. At first I took control of money but reality is if he relapsed he would just run up debt. He knows if he touches coke or any other drug again me and boys are gone for good. One relapse is one too many with 2 young kids. He didn’t know he would get addicted but now he has a crystal ball to see what the future would hold. I can’t imagine how hard it is to beat an addiction. I hope you manage to find a way.

I’ve never worried about him cheating and believe if he stays sober he won’t. He didn’t do it as a social thing. That’s why I never suspected as always thought it was a party drug and he just stayed up all night looking depressed.

I’m hoping I feel better in time and can see him as I did before all this again.

Hope the reading keeps working as a distraction for you. I’ve read way more about addiction etc than I ever wanted to know. Hopefully remembering what it can take from you (£’s, self control, sense of worth, family, friends etc) will show you it’s not worth it.

[danman83]

Its everywere cocaine.. i know about 10 people i can get it off and within 10 mins dropped. Its terrible how its spreaded.

Alcohol is the main trigger to go and get coke.. so just be wary at partys and bbqs.. and other places were there is drink. I avoid all these now. But thats up to him and you what you decide to do.

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