[girlfriend]

Although my boyfriend uses cocaine 2 to 4 days a week, he doesn’t think he is an addict or has a problem with drugs. He says that he takes care of his business, he takes care of me and the kids and his kids and addicts don’t do that. On the flip side he says he will never stop using drugs because he loves how it makes him feel. I never used drugs in my life and I barely drink so his use of drugs makes me feel angry.

HOW I FOUND OUT HE WAS AN ADDICT

We were sleep in the bed and we got a door bell ring at 3 a.m. he answered it and his sister, her boyfriend and another man rushed in with alcohol and cocaine and they used drugs sitting around the table. I was so angry. As he was getting high I was going through his phone. I seen things in his phone with other women that was inappropriate. And it all led to me telling him I wanted to leave. He tried to stop me from leaving, forced me in the room and tried to have sex with me. That led to us wrestling and I ended up with bruises. He was calling me all kinds of names and accusing me if being a cheater. He was just so angry and violent and emotionally abusive. I never seen him like this. He is usually kind hearted, a good listener, funny and nice. I didn’t even recognize him. Him coming down off drugs was the worst I ever seen him behave. I told him it was over but eventually I allowed him to talk me into giving him another chance.

Months later, I was at his house with the kids. He told the kids to go in the room and he asked me to go in the room with them. The reason was because his friends was coming over and they planned to do drugs again. I was so angry that he thought he was going to get high in front of the kids. This time I was the angry one. We just had a great conversation about him getting help. He said he don’t want to lose me. Said he loved me more than life. Said he would slow down. He admitted that he did drugs the day before and he will try to stop. He massages my feet, bought the kids snacks and The next hour he is getting high. How can he look me in my eyes and lie?

I FEEL EMBARRASSED

I have a great career and great reputation. I feel EMBARRASSED that my boyfriend has a drug issue. I keep on wondering who knows about it. In my head I know they are saying she could do better? Why is she settling for a cocaine addict? He is going to bring her down? Her self esteem must be low? But I honestly didn’t know. He isn’t secretive about his addiction. He was hit by a car while being under the influence, and told him he will never walk again. By a miracle he can walk but he now has a slight limp. The drugs is distorting his looks. He is losing weight and aging. It’s just so embarrassing to be around someone who makes a public embarrassment of his self. I look like the bitch shooting him dirty looks when he says I love you. I look like a bitch when I noticed alot of running to the bathroom & I get up and leave because I know they are using drugs. I’m not stuck up, I am not mean , it’s just that I don’t do it and would appreciate it if ppl didn’t do it around me. Im so fed up.

WHY DO I STAY

His drug addiction is a trigger for my childhood. My step dad was an addict. I loved him very much but I resented him and now look at me, I’m in love with an addict that I resent him. I think something in me just don’t feel like starting all over again. I tell myself that we have a good relationship, we only fight when he uses drugs. But he uses drugs 2 to 4 times a week, so that means we are fighting that much and that isn’t healthy. I’ve always been quick to end a relationship and I have no idea why I feel paralyzed,like I can’t leave. It’s like I have a spell on me. When I do end it, I feel extremely depressed. I worry if he is with another woman. Everything in me wants to leave but I can’t… And I take that anger out on him sometimes bcus I just want him to love me enough to get help. The same feeling I had with my step dad. The only father I ever knew.

[crystalvision]

hey

im sorry youre going through this.

Im in the same boat but luckily no kids and we dont share a home. He has smashed numerous phones, tvs, laptops of mine. Messaged exes throughout our relationship. Lots of being accused of cheating, said I was “loose” down there. Tried to trip me up and steal my house keys, removed my window to get in my house in case I was cheating. Horrible stuff. I tried to help him with counselling and NA meetings but he never kept it up. I left him for 6 months as he was so bad on crack and he moved back to his mothers 15 miles away.

But it never left my thoughts. And I contacted him after he moved back to his mothers believing he was clean as he had started a business. We met a few times and he said he was so happy I was back.

Then I found out he was still using, still ditching me for his drug pals etc. He said Im controlling and hes entitled to the odd blow out. He also says he is fine now as he works etc now. And has been messaging exes again. I flipped out and he said im a psycho with issues.

So here I sit again, mulling it all over, reading these forums. I really feel your pain. I also had an abusive stepdad and basically cold family relationships whenI was young and i think it really affects you so you seek out the love of someone who is incapable of giving it.

He is abusing you in every way. He will never put you before drugs in my own experience. They never change. And you get under a spell somehow the worse you are treated. If he uses drugs 2-3 times a week hes an addict. And he probably lies and uses more. Mine is lovely when hes not on drugs too. But cocaine is very dangerous, be careful as mine has experienced some very serious psychosis and they are very capable of doing you physical harm. And obviously think of your kids, you do not want them in such a dangerous environment. Please be careful and I hope you find the strength to get rid of him from your life and your heart.

There are some terms like cognitive dissonance and codependency you might want to look up.

A good book I read was called Women Who Love Too Much, was helpful but i obviously havent managed to put it into action.

Im also a professional healthcare worker with a degree and my own home, car etc. But still I am not emotionally intelligent enough to break free it seems. Or he lets me go and I cant stand it.

I hope this helps somewhat. Please find your inner strength as I am trying to do. It sounds as though he has absolutely no intention of getting off drugs so you have no chance of a good relationship at this point and you are also in danger.

Best wishes to you xxx

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