[bbeevvee123]

So I’m so sorry this is gonna be a lomg read but I just have to get it out there. My family and friends listen but I’m just stuck in a cycle which is never ending

my husband and I have been together for over 30yrs. I started dating him when I was 13 and he was 17. Grow up through the acid house scene then got into the heavy stuff. We both were using the hero on and crack and got to the point of me selling myself for money. At the time I had 2 children and pregnant with a third. My husband got sent to prison for 8 urea’s and that’s when I got myself clean which I have for 21yrs

the problem is he hasn’t !! It’s just a circle of him going all out ruining everything then when hits rock bottom pleads he’s gonna change

I’ve been a nurse now for 17yrs and I think he’s jealous of the women I’ve become

I actually adore my husband may of the time amd even when it gets rough I’m still there for him but I don’t think I’m strong enough now and feel it’s all because that’s all I’ve ever known

last year things got really bad when he was using again and meeting up with a girl and bringing into my shed in the garden to use he says it’s because she got good deals ? Bearing in mind I’m working 12 hr shifts and I’m at work and he was in and out with this person

I found spoons and all other stuff

mot kicked off badly when I saw a text on his phone saying if you wanna meet just keep ringing ?? He said it was to go grafting ?
anyway it got really ugly to the point of him hitting me in front of my 10yr old son and the police came and arrested him

he was bailed to my eldest son and we couldn’t have contact or speak to each other

at first I was strong but after 30 yrs and him messaging me pleading with me to meet him I ended up dropping all charges and he promised he wouldn’t do anything like that anymore

fast forward a few months and he was exactly back to crack

I was finding needles and spoons empty bags and I just can’t deal with it

he says he needs something  as he’s bored although he works most of the time and I work long shifts

I find myself having a gut feeling amd I go down to the known crack den and low and behold he’s always there

he even walks out with girls then come to the car and say I don’t know her and she’s like yes you do it’s me

I don’t believe a word he says I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t anymore and can feel my head going west

he thinks it’s ok to hang around with these girls and says he’s faithful to me and I should be grateful as he’s always getting chance to do something but always tells them he wouldn’t disrespect his wife like that ??

then last week I changed my son and he sat across from me asking who’s this that’s texting

I started to say come meet me for a pipe your wife’s a pig and he was chuckling saying that some guy he knows keeps messaging bearing in mind it was me all along

the following morning he rang the phone and I answered in a stupid voice he was screaming what you playing at im gonna lose everything my wife my kids and I said well you’ve got me

his response and sorry to be blunt

you was just a fuck you promised you keep it quiet !!
now he knows it was me because I just flipped

he’s promising it wasn’t like that and just saying it because he didn’t know it it was but I’m just broken and sick

now he’s trying his best asking me to hold his bank card as he’s die to be paid and staying in the house and not seeing anyone although his phone pings constantly and usually messages like

fat bags power white 2 for £20 stuff like that

I can’t sleep it’s making me ill

move filed for divorce which he always screams at sign the divorce papers and git them sent to his dads

now he’s asleep on the settee snoring and because I’m trying to be civil for the younger kids he thinks it’s all forgotten about which I just can’t get all this out of my head.
he’s on subutex and takes Valium smokes weed  every night. When I try and talk I just get shut down and told it’s all in my head and he’s not that bad i I make it out

my daughter has just had a baby his dads been diagnosed with cancer and on end of life, his mum is really ill I think she’s got dementia and I’m the one helping as I’ve been part of the family for over 30 yrs and we had 5 children 3 grown up and 2 at high school which it’s effected then too and all safeguarding and counselling been given but I just can’t let this go.
I think I just needed to write it all out and it’s not even half of the stuff that’s gone on

how can he walk around playing happy families when my head heart and mind is just broken

Thanks for reading people sorry of it doesn’t make sense but my head is racing at 1000mph x

[stillhoping4change23]

Save your self the man is a narcissist. You deserve better, read some of the post on here you can’t love him better,  pray for yourself to get out of this situation.

sending you love,xxx

[Author]

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