I’m struggling

jtekg4

20 replies

I’m struggling

Hi, I just lost my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism…..alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, but i tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years…nothing could reach him. He’d make promises….improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reached the point where it was ruining our lives and home…we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved….(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating! We are left with Mountains of debt, no life insurance, and two children. He was such a smart man…..it took his job, his family, then him. I’ve been with him since I was 15…together for 32 years….I dont know where to even begin without him.

  • sapphy
    Participant

    Hi jtekg4,

    I know you feel guilty, but dont you dare! You did everything in your power to help that man, all while looking after 2 children! 32 years is a long time but you will pick yourself up.

    In a few years all your friends and family will be wondering, how you did it and how did you cope so well? but at the end of the day, you just do. You get things done and you cope.

    You’ve made it this far…don’t underestimate yourself.

  • lindyloo
    Participant

    Hi jtekg4

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a loved one is difficult enough without addiction being involved.

    Please don’t feel guilty. A person who has addictions will always blame everyone else for their problems. Im sure your husband is at peace now, but I feel sad for the suffering and debt that’s been left for you.

    I feel you need advice and support, either from the Icarus trust, or a bereavement group.

    In the meantime you and the family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

    Take good care of yourself ❤

    Lx

  • sean
    Participant

    Hi jtekg4…..so sorry for your loss….truly awful….I feel heartbroken for you and your family.

    My wife is sadly a functioning alcoholic. I’ve tried for years to get her to go to rehab but she won’t go.

    Getting to the stage where I’ve become the ‘target’ now. Everything I do or say makes her angry and therefore into a binge cycle….I feel your pain and fear I will end up in your position.

    However, neither should you or are you responsible for someone else’s addiction….so guilt isn’t a factor….do what you’re so clearly winning at….continue to be a mother….you’ll get through it.

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    I am so very sorry that you are in this place Sean. I know how isolated it can make you feel. It’s like watching a train wreck and you cannot do anything to stop it. If you ever need to talk please know that I am here. I loved my husband with all that I am, but I just couldn’t reach him. I was powerless….it has to be their choice to get better. I understand what you are going through. You and your wife are in my prayers.

    • sean
      Participant

      It just feels so hopeless sometimes doesn’t it….thank you for taking the time to reply when you’re dealing with so much yourself….feels nice to know I’m not alone actually….hopefully we can help each other on the road ahead….

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    Yes, it certainly does. I know exactly what you are going through. I remember the phase you are in all to well. Everything was my fault. It’s important to remember that you are not alone, being in this situation makes you feel very isolated. I hope and pray that your situation ends up differently than mine. At least you still have the hope that she could recover. It’s even harder when that hope is gone.

    • sean
      Participant

      Hi,

      Thanks again for your time….it’s really appreciated….with your sad experience with this living Hell, is there anything you could suggest trying? Or maybe an organisation i could reach out for….I know it’s clutching at straws but I’m not sure what else to do….

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    Have you tried AL-anon, AA, marriage counseling?

    • sean
      Participant

      As of yet, even after 10yrs of deterioration sadly not. My wife just will not accept she has a serious problem….

      …..I haven’t suggested‘ marriage counselling however, have always assumed the drinking must be addressed first….but yes, I give it a go!

      Thanks

      Sean

      • jtekg4
        Participant

        I hope everything went well for you both.

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    Maybe if she sees your love and commitment for your marriage and for her to get better, it will have a positive affect on her drinking. My husband was super defensive and I guess being a man, it sadly did not have this effect. Women are more emotional and maybe if she sees she is not alone it will help. Praying your outcome is better than mine.

    • sean
      Participant

      Such wise words…..thank you so much….your clearly a wonderful person, even in the face of adversity….truly heart warming….

      …..I’m giving it a go tonight and will of course keep you posted…. fingers crossed.

      Sean

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    I am wishing you all the luck with this. I watched my husband turn into a different person. He had grown to hate me, because I had grown to hate the alcohol for what it was doing to him, our marriage, and our family. I hope that she is not that far gone. I pray you have more luck. 🙏

  • georgie1410
    Participant

    I went through this 16yrs ago. None of this is your fault, no matter how long you were with him the reality is your life never really began. You have always been held back by the addiction. You have to grief, and maybe you will never get over this but for me I got a degree and I moved on and enjoyed other aspects of life I had missed out on. Unfortunately I am going through this again with my son so I have no answers but you have to take care of yourself and your daughters. Addiction is a form of slow suicide. It’s only when the person realises they don’t really want to die that they stop. We cant make the choices for that person – it is people like us that love/care too much that tolerate this for years and years… and in a way enable that person to continue their addiction through our unconditional love. But that doesn’t mean you are to blame, it means that we are afraid we will hurt them more by giving up on them – so we too are learning a lesson that that is really not the case. They choose their ending – you now have to choose your new beginning and remember him the best way you can. Much love and prayers for you and your family.xxx

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    Very true, thank you!!! I try to self talk and remind myself of all this when all the “what ifs” creep in, but it also helps to hear it from others.

  • notmyrealname
    Participant

    Thinking of you, not only for your loss but for having to live like this for 32 years, you must have gone through so much. You deserve some happiness now after all these years, maybe there are things you missed out on can you make up for lost time. I imagine you haven’t had much time to even consider yourself with looking after him aswell as two children, I hope you can get a new beginning as others have suggested.

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    Hi, how are things?

  • sean
    Participant

    Hi there….nice to hear from you again….well, it’s difficult to say….had another long chat and have planned a virtual appointment with a local councillor….in the meantime we’re taking it a day at a time….wife has taken to exercising and not drinking….so far so good, but as you know I’ve been here more times than I care to remember!….but today we’re good!

    How are more importantly?….such a difficult time for you and your family…I hope you’re getting lots of support from family members.

  • jtekg4
    Participant

    I’m so happy that things are better for you both. I pray that it lasts. All you can do is focus on each day, just like you are doing.

    We are ok…also just focusing on one day at a time.

  • palelumens
    Participant

    Good news/Bad news I keep getting thrown my way after my 25 year marriage to what I completely 1000% thought (and still think) was to my God-given match made in heaven man was this: You will always love him, learn to put that somewhere healthy. Its been 3 years, he is alive, we aren’t together anymore but I cant stop myself from feeling those death pains. I apologize if this feels in any way like I am not fully seeing your pain but this is exactly what I feel like. There is no good way to take someone away from you that you had a relationship with for MOST of your life and feel like you can go on. You ARE doing it but your pain, I had to stop and say this, I love you! Sister or brother, near or far, I love you! Your post, along with so many others is inspirational because your posting! One foot in front of the other you are doing it!! ty! May tomorrow be easier than yesterday sister, we all deserve to smile and I truly hope that one day you will be able to post about something that made you smile because You deserve it!! This was the first forum I have ever been on and posted, hopefully I didn’t screw it up but just your one post made me want to stop and shout, you may not feel like your doing it, but you are whether you like it or not, your doing it!!!

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