[sebastian]

My son recently has gone through a relationship break-up. I have been supporting him for the last 4 weeks during this time he has informed me that his Cocaine use that I have only just had knowledge of has become more than recreational, also alongside this a gambling habit which i knew was a potential problem as helped him with debt twice in the last year is again a further problem. With payday loans taken to cover the gambling and to hide the debt problem from his girlfriend. He also drinks alcohol although often only a couple of pints after work yet occasional binge drinking which has always been my primary concern. In the past he has always managed to convince me that all is fine, now i know that it isn’t. He is seeing a Councillor, but feels the first 2 sessions were very useful the last one was not so, maybe because the delving was a little deeper. The reason i am here now is that i felt things were going in the right direction, he went quiet last night and i didn’t sleep at all. He lives 75 miles away from me. We are very close as mother and son, but i feel he is not telling me the truth. The day was planned today and he has slept trough most of it.He is coming to me tonight to stay for a couple of nights. I feel angry but i know i cant be. Feel emotional and very alone my Husband is not my sons Father and unfortunately his primary concern is for me. My son has only known my husband for 3 years, so was not brought up by him. His own Father left when he was 2 years old i was also very young when i had him. I keep blaming myself, why didn’t i see the signs before?

[dnanon]

You mustn’t blame yourself at all. My son starting smoking weed at school and I just thought it was a teenage phase. Then he had a family and I thought again that he was settled and happy. However he started using cocaine and he has now lost two families, including his children. It must be so difficult for you as he doesn’t live near you. You haven’t said how old he is. However, he has admitted to you that his use of cocaine is out of control which is definitely a good start. If he is sleeping through the day it can be an indication that he has been on coke through the night. While he is keen perhaps see if he will get involved in a drug rehabiltation programme. Although your husband doesn’t want to get involved with your son’s addiction at least he is concerned for you. Myself and my husband were able to see a counsellor for ourselves who gave us advice about how to deal with our son’s addiction. Maybe you have a similar service nearby that you can access.

You stay strong.

[sebastian]

Thanks for your kind response, Life is harsh sometimes your poor family. My husband is quite a few years older than myself and is also about to have a heart valve replacement. Not good times to be honest. My son didn’t arrive tonight we spoke on the phone and tears both sides. I just need him to be honest to himself and me. If we can get over this hurdle we can move forward with help, he is seeing a Councillor but not a group yet as he is still in denial and none of it to him is an issue other than losing his 4 year relationship. He believes the relationship breakdown is all down to him 100%, I am not so sure if I was honest. He is mid thirties, the problem started as soon as alcohol came into the equation in his teens. Fingers crossed he arrives tomorrow.

[hox]

You have worries on both sides your son and your husbands op. It isn’t your fault, cocaine addiction can be hidden by lies until the personality changes.

My husband is the same, cocaine and alcohol. I’m the only person who has suffered in all of this, the devoted wife and the closest to him. He has ruined our happy life and has admitted it fully and has said I am not to blame. He won’t admit he has a coke addiction though. Luckily we have no debt (up till now)

You are not alone and I’m so glad you have a husband that is there to support just you. I can understand him not getting involved as he has to get his operation done and dusted so that he can be there fully for you.

Keep strong for both of your loved ones.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m sorry that you are having so much to cope with right now, your son’s addiction as well as your husband’s heart operation. It must feel very tough but please don’t blame yourself for not knowing about your son. We’ve all been there! At least he is seeing a counsellor and hopefully that will help him.

I work for a charity called The Icarus Trust. We offer help to people coping with the addictions of a close family member. We have trained people who you could talk with. They are very experienced and would understand what you are going through, and would offer advice and help. If you contact us we would put you in touch with one of them.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything.

[Author]

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