[b8988]

Well if you’ve read some of my other posts you’ll notice my husband is a cocaine addict. I’ve tried countlessly to help him, he agrees at times he has a problem and says the brain tricks you into thinking it will be ok. He has had to move 3 hours away from us because his drug use and behaviour was so bad over Christmas social services got involved.

I made the decision he should go and live with his mum 3 hours away to get help down there, away from us. He was addending nearly daily n.a meetings for the first week then started work Monday this week. The meetings over the last week reduced, when I was sending him info on apps that are supposed to be good at stopping useage etc, he didn’t bother to look at them.

Then last night when he was texting me his texts weren’t making sense, I asked him to send me a photo of his eyes and his pupils were huge! He denied profoundly searing on our kids lives he hadn’t touched anything and saying he wouldn’t lie to me as this time is was going to be different. Well he was supposed to be at work at 8 but I found on his YouTube history he was up til 4am watching music videos. I confronted him this morning and he said he’d taken 2 pills. I was livid!!! He could be lying and it could still be coke, but if he’s not why the hell would you take pills? That is not sounding like someone who wants to change their life and wants to do all he can to get back to his family, is it? So I’ve ended the relationship, I’ve gone above and beyond for that man! His behaviour now is so unpredictable, he’s only been down there a week and has already found means of getting whatever it is he actually took, so he’s gone out there looking hasn’t he?

I can’t do it anymore, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help can you? I don’t know how I even feel anymore. Ages ago I’d have threatened it to see if he’d beg me to come back now I don’t want him to! I feel that he’s an idiot who can’t be saved! He’s missing out on life, he’s not gonna see his kids grow up and we have a 3 month old baby that’s not gonna know her dad. How can a doting father now become just a shell of a man? He literally has nothing about him anymore!

[cally1001]

Hi

I am new to the site but we have spoken over the last week and I have read through your posts.

I am sorry this has happened! Why oh why do they do this. He was in a perfect position away from temptation but I can tell you they will get what they want anywhere, they JUST know who to ask it’s inbuilt in them!

You are doing the right thing, may not seem like it at the moment but just like me you have done everything you possibly could but it’s like banging your head against a brick wall and unless they truly want to stop there is nothing we can do.

I dint have children and I am struggling so god only knows how you feel.

Be strong and just know none of it’s your fault!

I am still in the stage of thinking it’s my fault but that will change in time, we are good at giving advice to others but not taking my own.

Not sure how feasible it is to have no contact because if the children but you could go through a family member for contact access and give yourself some time out from him.

Sending hugs.xx

[b8988]

He hasn’t bothered really about the children in the two weeks he was away apart from asking me each morning if they are ok, no asking to talk to them or anything so on reflection now that was weird in itself.

He’s got a weird obsession about me moving on with anyone else, but not obviously that much that it makes him driven to do anything about it.

I know if I stay with him this will keep happening, the fear of him getting worse or meeting someone else and stopping drugs used to scare me into staying. But in reality I know that if the old him did come back, he’d want to be with me and his kids more than anything. This new imposter doesn’t. I can’t wait round for one fine day that something clicks in his brain to change. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to or genuinely can’t!

I went to a support meeting the other night and I’m worried in case I’m his safety blanket, by me always being there for him, I’m never giving him any reason to want to change.

It’s hard, but I feel ok-ish, I’m expecting bad days but I must keep reminding myself that I’m never going to have a happy life if it stays the way it is at the minute.

[cally1001]

That’s what I worry about he will stop and meet someone and they will get the good guy and I will be in pieces as what was the reason for the last 2 years if hell!

He was the same with me, put me on a pedestal but this coke crap as made him has me and blame me for everything.

It’s going to be hard but you are correct you are never going to be happy in this insane life that’s happening at the moment.

As long as they think we will always let them back they have no valid reason to stop.

Mine is different now as he left me, he has decided that he can’t get clean with me in his life as he will use if with me, he said he can’t handle the guilt and looks for excuses (that was a come down day) other days he says he was not happy and hated our life.

If you haven’t done this before and he really thinks you will not have him back you never know that could be his rock bottom!

See what the next few days bring..x

[b8988]

Yes Hun, thanks. Oh my husband tried using that one too. Apparently it’s a common tactic to say they don’t love us and they feel their marriage is over. The real reason is the drugs have practically destroyed the relationship anyway. Plus it’s far easier to walk away than to have to deal with fighting a huge addiction.

I try not to take it personally as I know the real him loves me lots. But I haven’t seen that person for a long time, if I’m lucky I get a glimmer of hope as he’s nice sometimes and I see him the real him, but it’s short lived and the cycle of destruction continues. In fact it’s quite cruel as if they were awful all the time it would make it easier to walk away xx

[bluebell]

Hi babe! I’m so sorry to hear this but sadly not surprised ☹️ My ex husband is exactly the same. I don’t recognise him either. As you know he hid 6/7 years of cocaine abuse from me. He is now living the life of Riley in his flat coming and going as he chooses popping in to see us (2 minutes down the road) when he feels like it as he knows that I always let the boys see him if they want to which they always do.

I have been really sad today as I don’t know why but I just had this gut feeling he had met somebody else. I am usually right about these things, and like you guys feel upset that they may just turn it around for them, I feel utterly used. He also gives mixed messages for example on Thursday saying he would do all this stuff for me but he hasn’t even contacted the kids until this evening (they ignored him which did make me smile) My friends made me do the flatpack myself last night though so I feel really proud of myself! I’m glad they made me do that. They know what is best for me and know me too well that secretly I want him to want to help me, but it’s probably just to assuage his guilt!

They make such fools out of us! None of our friends or even acquaintances understand it, they all say he was punching abound his weight with me, and I do try and look after myself unlike him, but it really seems that it has nothing to do with what we look like. I imagine whoever he is with will be younger and into drugs. I can’t see how a normal woman would be sucjered in but he has this old free spirit surfer dude vibe going on, but do you know the irony of that, it was me who taught him to surf! Me who taught him to snowboard and me who was the free spirit! But of course when kids come along your priorities change and I think he just couldn’t hack it.

I hope you are both ok. It means so much talking on here as nobody else understands what it’s like and don’t understand why I am so upset and can’t move on. I think I put him on a pedestal he clearly didn’t deserve.

Imagine if we announced we were planning a bender! ???????? I’m tempted to be really naughty and tell him I am and see how he likes it! He didn’t like it when I went to Dublin on my own the beginning of the month, and promptly booked a trip to Amsterdam as he couldn’t have me “trumping him” his exact words! Xx

[cally1001]

Hi

Sorry your having a sad day, tomorrow will be better!

I have been packing today as I move next weekend just me and the dog into a nice cottage so hoping that helps, no memories.

Been a crap today for me aswell today.

It’s just all the lies and manipulation isn’t it? As I said I don’t have kids so god knows how you are coping!

Well done for doing the flat pack yourself!!! Another thing you don’t need him for and each day you will realise more and more than hat you can do no matter how small.

My mind just does not switch off. He had been gone awhile now but even tonight I am looking at his old phone bills and bank statements and putting them against txt and photos trying to work out if he was doing it on certain days etc, WHY it’s not doing me any good just making me nuts????

For him to have no contact this long I also think he is with someone else and like you it will be someone younger who takes drugs, no other “normal woman” would want him!

I know what you mean, everything and I mean everything he has achieved or learnt has been because of me, even down to food and wine and I can imagine him with someone telling them the vintage of a wine etc and it pisses me off!!

Below is one of the last txt he sent me, the next day he rang and called me a c**t and wanted a divorce it’s so weird! James is my brother and Isabella my niece just to explain the txt

Your right!

Your an amazing woman!

You just out grown me!

As much as I say you hurt me I loved so much more about you!

Your the best thing that ever happened to me!

As confidence I say you took from me you give me more other ways!

I know 100% I would not have achieved whatI have without you!

I am wrong for al the things I have been saying I let you down.

Sorry for ruining everything and for everything I have put you through!

You were my everything and I let you down and give up!

I thank you so much for looking after me! Everything you hate I become. Sorry for your letting you down !

Your the best and will never forget my Elaine

Sorry for everything baby x

Run as far away from me as I will drag you down !

I have said things about James but only out of anger! You always said I reminded you of James but you were wrong!!! He is 10 of me! Please tell James I am sorry for letting him down! We were never to close but I genuinely thought a lot of him. Some times wish we spoke more.

Last thing!

Tell Izzy to remember Shannon and not this thing I turned into! She’s amazing! Light of our life

You need anything and I mean anything you ring

Xxxx

[cally1001]

Just thought on your not supposed to use names are you? Must remember that next time

[danman83]

Not been on for a while. Ive been mad busy decorating. But i hope your alright b8988. Do you have a name because you sound like a droid out of star wars lol.. anyway do whats best for you and your kids. The kids should always come 1st. And your health. He obviously doesnt want to stop. And youve tried your best.

[b8988]

Hi haha yes I do have a name, don’t think you’re supposed to use real names though.

I feel ok, my husband text me today saying whatever happens now he loves me and the kids more than anything but he can’t go on like this anymore. I have learnt that I can’t allow myself to rescue him. Obviously I’m worried incase he’s being serious but could be manipulation. I text back “ well only you can change your life, if you want to” …… I know this time I have to keep to it as it just keeps happening every time I try to rescue him.

Do you think it’s a case of not wanting to change or not being able to? Why the hell would he take pills alone in his mums house. His behaviour over the last few years has got progressively worse, he’s so reckless now. He used to be just like you Danman83, but since he lost his job he has to go to more extreme lengths to get it etc. Then he’s done more bad stuff when high, so then uses to block out bad feelings, or so he says. I don’t believe a word he says anymore, that’s the trouble.

[danman83]

I think your right about the pills.. that he really had coke. The amount of times i said to my gf ill stop and i really wanted to! I just wasnt prepared or did enough research.

He needs to do a prevention plan.

Im more prepared and determained now and even tho ive had it once a month or once a week. I finally admitted i was an addict new years eve and then stayed up all night planning my month ahead how to fix it. When i set my self targets and goals its a lot easier.. and my names danny lol dnt matter about 1st names haha how u feeling anyway now?

[b8988]

Haha I’m Bev, I feel ok today. I feel sorry for him in a way as I couldn’t think of why anyone would choose to live like he is. He’s lost everything and he had a lot!

I don’t know, I think he may of had pills as maybe he couldn’t get coke or couldn’t afford it? As usually he has sniffles the next day but didn’t, that’s more worrying in a way as has he got to the point where he just feels the need to take anything now, when he’s bored or feeling crap? He used to have a opiate addiction too to prescription drugs, and codeine. But he managed to get off that eventually, maybe he just likes feeling out of it. So odd though as he never touched a drug til he was in his 30’s, well dabbled a bit as a teen but never was really fussed by drugs.

[icarus-trust]

Hi,

I’m sorry to read your story but you sound like an amazingly strong person. As you say some days will be bad and if you did feel the need for support for yourself you might want to contact us at The Icarus Trust.

We are a charity the provides support for people dealing with an addictive partner or family member. Maybe you would find it helpful to speak with one of our trained and experienced people.

You can contact us on help@icarustrust.org or visit the website http://www.icarustrust.org

Good luck with everything and keep strong.

[purpleheart]

Hello , B8988 I know it’s a long time since you posted your thread along with the other ladies but I’m googling at 5am in the morning with the exact same scenario on my hands at the minute . 18 months I’ve had my husband lying to me , uses everyday saying it’s work stress that causes it , then comes home disengaged with our two young boys and does nothing to help me around the house . Just watches me run myself into the ground in the same cycle . He’s recently gone to the NHS drugs program but I’ve seen absolutely no improvement , the lies are still coming . He’s spending around £900 a month on coke . I am so lonely , fed up and his addiction is tarnishing everyday of my life . I’m stressed around my kids constantly and everyday is another acting role . I see you ladies posted these in 2019 . How are you all now ? Where are you up to in life ? I’m looking for hope I guess – deep down I’m ready to pack in our marriage I think I can’t take much more x

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Purpleheart and others

I’m in the same boat here in 2022. Been dealing with this for about 4 years but as a serious addiction since the beginning of 2020. I’m at the end of my tether too.

It’s my partner who is the addict. Partner is a term I use loosely as he is my child’s father whom I live with… but the relationship has pretty much imploded due to his addiction and I am trying to move. I have been bidding on properties for 6 months… just trying to hang in there.

He used to use cocaine but someone taught him how to turn it into cocaine you can smoke/inhale. Crack basically, and that is when all hell broke loose. He is extremely addicted to doing this. He is a shell of the man I once knew. He has developed severe mental health issues since… I mean totally unstable mood, suicide attempts, severe paranoia, depression, insomnia…

He is selfish… got us into terrible debt. I can’t trust him with money at all.

I just found that out yesterday – I gave him the money to pay a month overdue family bill (for services we all use and rely on and it was his responsibility to pay it) as he had spent the original money for the bill on drugs. I came home to find him high… I asked him if he’d paid the bill and he said ‘some of it’ and implied he’d spent some of the money on another bill that needed paying… I am convinced he used part of the bill money to pay got drugs as he has no other money so how’d he get the drugs?

I’m livid but I have no voice. I cannot confront him about it. It would not go well. What has made me so upset is that I earnt that money doing freelance work. I’m disabled and ill and it takes a lot for me to do any work. I gave him nearly all the money I earnt bar 20 for food shopping and he had around 16 for drinks and cigarettes. I feel like a mug!

Every time I go away for a few nights to save my own sanity I come back and he’s ransacked the place (it literally looks as if we’ve been burgled) and it stinks of cigarettes (which I hate) and the kitchen is a mess because he never does any washing up while I’m gone. I can see exactly how he will be living when we are no longer living together. I will still have to be part of his life as I am going to have to facilitate child contact. The only way our child will be able to spend time with him is if I am there… he’s not fit to care for our child like this!

I just wanted a nice quiet, stable family life and instead I’m dealing with this. I can’t wait to get out.

[bluebell]

Hi ladies

I’m sorry you are going through this. And what I am about to say will not make it better but you need to listen to what I am telling you.

These men will not change. They will suck the life out of you, gaslight you and leave your head spinning with guilt and shame. But you are not to blame. They are, every selfish line they snort or smoke is disrespecting your needs on a basic level.

Hear me when I tell you that it is impossible to have a relationship with an addict. The lies the manipulation. It will not end.

If you can’t do it for yourselves do it for your children. It’s five years ago this year my addict ex husband left me! Accusing me of an affair I never had but the drugs will warp their minds.

I went on a journey to hell and back. I took the man back when he begged and 6 months later he punished me for it with further lies drugs and blame.

You pack your bags and leave. My sons suffered untold amounts. Nearly five years later and guess what? He has given up! Even cigarettes!

Well you may say well done him, isn’t this great! But no, he’s a bigger c@nt then when he wax using. Buying a flat up my road despite me divorcing him and trying to use my boys as some pawns in a game.

Do you want to watch your 15 year old son have to throw his dad out of the house for trying to start on you. It will break your heart! The sense of injustice at it all will never leave me. But just in case you think that their giving up will bring the dream back again, I caution you not to be fooled. Cocaine ruins the brain Pernanently! That lovely man you met all those years ago, fell in love with, had fun with, made dreams with us dead. Forever dead. There is no coming back. There is only you moving forward.

I spent 3 years of self blaming tears and despair. It was only when I met a truly good man that I realised his manipulative and abusive my ex husband was.

Please do not think about it any longer. You have a life to live and you deserve to live it. Pack your bags and leave them now. xxxx

[thistim3]

You are so right.  I didn’t trust my own gut, or my own heart.  I loved him too much.  And, the weird behaviors started when so many good things were happening for us after years of being in love and in a solid relationship, new house, pregnant with our first, and me graduating college.  How could our love story be over. Can’t be true. We met fifty years ago when we were so young.  When my instincts were telling me something was really wrong, I refused to believe it.  He treated me so badly for no reason. So, I didn’t look at it. Prayed for us and tried to make it ok for me and our kids.  Only now am I am beginning to learn his truths and I am shattered.  How do I make it ok for myself now?  I don’t even know where to begin.

[donthaveaclue]

Hi Bluebell

I absolutely agree with you. I had my wake up call last year and realised he will never change. He is just incapable of it… any time he says he will… he cannot keep it up. My friend who escaped an abusive relationship about the same time I was having my revelation pointed it out to me. It just rings true and I think about it a lot.

Also, he actually will have a day or two of being nice and if I ever feel myself wavering, I remember it never lasts. Without fail, every single time he reverts to type and is nasty, abusive and back to unhealthy habits (substance abuse of all types).

I’m desperately trying to get out. I’m in a difficult position where I am having to wait until I’m rehoused. I’m crossing my fingers and praying this happens within the next few months.

I agree – I read that crack is one of the worst or the worst for altering the mind and brain and is almost impossible to stop. I think there is probably the odd person who can quit it but as you say, their personality is never the same again…

He is so unstable, volatile, intense paranoia… I don’t want to live my life surrounded by that and our child deserves a million times better.

I’m sorry that you went through such an awful situation too and that you continue to suffer. I can imagine my one being vindictive and trying to use our child as a pain. That’s why I’m being very careful.

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