[chu]

Hi all. I’m very new to this sort of thing but here goes, I feel it’s going to be a long one….

My dad is an alcoholic. He has had an addictive personality for as long as I can remember. Dont get me wrong he is the most loving dad in the world and would do anything for anyone these days but that’s what makes this all so much harder. If he was a complete asshole it would be so much easier!

I had an up and down childhood, dad used to create merry hell when he got home and start fights with my mum – she gave as good as she got if not more!! But then there were times that we were a real, happy family. My parents are together so my mum must love him still. Things escalated and we unfortunately were made homeless, had our family home repossessed because instead of paying the mortgage my dad had got heavily into coke and spent all his money on that. He hid all the letters as well as alcohol bottles around the house so no one could find them. Mum stayed with him, he sorted himself out and bam…happy families again. Drinking creeps back in. Drinking gets better. Cycle continues.

I am now married and have 2 beautiful children, living away from my parents but I feel more lonely in the situation now than ever before. We’ve stopped my dad seeing the kids so they’re missing out now. My husband is amazing but he cannot understand that this is an illness. Whenever we talk about it all he gets so angry and I clam up. Hes never been exposed to anything like this so why would he be understanding when all he see’s is the pain I’m in??

My mum is bitter and angry about it all, she has stayed with him but she wasnt supporting him. So who was left to be his shoulder…me. As always! My mums favourite phrase was, ‘your dad listens to you go sort him out’ so there we go from a child I was dealing with him. I turned into his counsellor and I know far too much about him, stuff your daughter shouldn’t know! It got to the point where I was crying every day, after every call I was having little break downs so I finally decided that I needed to take a step back and to my surprise my mum did step up a bit.

But now I’m angry as well as sad. Not only are my kids missing him but I am too. I’m angry for that, I’m angry I’m not his first point of call now after everything I’ve done to support him, I only wanted a break for a bit not to be cut out completely. I barely speak to him and when I do I get aggro from my husband. Deep down I’m angry at my mum for staying with him and exposing my brother and I to it all. Im angry I have no one to talk to because they will either judge him or be pissed off with him.

I’m angry that he is the way he is.

Most of all, I’m angry at myself. For not being strong enough to be there everytime he needs me and angry that I almost feel betrayed now hes got other support from my mum and brother.

It’s been a long time since I wrote down how I felt…there was me thinking I was just sad! I dont know where to turn to for support so I’m giving this a go.

Thanks for listening!

[addictedtosomething]

Hey Chu

First of all, the situation you’re in will be extremely stressful. Addiction is indeed an illness. I can attest to that. Whether it’s from pills, powders or liquids, it’s still an illness of the mind. You’re not alone. Many families throughout the country are going through the same thing.

Your father is your father, no matter what anyone says. He’s still your dad who you will love no matter what. That’s what makes it more painful. Your husband needs to be a little more thoughtful and understand the situation you’re in. Tell him: “Put yourself in my shoes, if it was your father”. Anyone can become an addict. It’s usually negative events or underlying mental health problems which lead us to escape reality. It can also become a routine addiction. Some people don’t even realize they’re doing it, because it just becomes a part of life.

What you need to maybe do is try to get your husband to support you in regards to your dad. If he’s on board it will make it much less stressful for you at home. Tell him how you feel, and that you’re seriously worried about your fathers’ health. Tell him you need his support so that you can attempt to get your father back on the straight and narrow.

It’s good that you’re on here instead of bottling it all up, which just makes it worse. I hope you find a solution so that your father gets the help he needs. You’re not alone.

Take Care

[icarus-trust]

Hi Chu,

Thank you for posting and sharing your story. I am so sorry to read how difficult your dad’s addiction has made life for you and that it is coming between you and both your mum and your husband. Clearly you have very mixed emotions about your dad that you might want to talk about to someone who would understand.

I work for a charity called Icarus Trust that provides support for people like you who are badly affected by the addiction of a family member. We have trained and experienced people that you could talk with in confidence, if you get in touch. Talking might help you to make sense of how you feel about your dad and what to do next.

You can contact Icarus Trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org

All the very best to you.

[Author]

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