- This topic has 98 replies, 46 voices, and was last updated 7 months, 1 week ago by .
-
Posts
-
-
Hi all
So glad I found this forum and hope my ramblings today will make sense to someone out there. I recently lost my husband to alcohol, and although he had other medical issues it was ultimately his drinking that killed him.
Since his passing I have gone through many emotions, anger being the predominant one. Angry at him for giving in to it, angry at me for failing him, angry at medical professionals for failing him. Trust me, if I had a milkman I would probably find something to pin on him too.
I dealt with his drinking for many years and have tried everything I could to get him to stop and/or seek help. He was getting help to be honest but in the end he thought he could handle it and paid the price. Right now I am very confused and wonder if he ever really cared for me and his family, yes he lied to me for years – part of the illness right? I trained myself to not take his lies, drinking, behaviour, personally but can’t help but feel used and mistreated.
Aside from myself and our children, none of his family were aware he had an issue and were stunned to find out after his death. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping his secret but now I am questioning every decision I ever made
Sorry for the ramblings, I just need to get these thoughts out and would be interested to know how others cope in a similar situation.
-
So sorry to hear your awful situation
You need to know that you are not responsible or to blame in any way for his actions. It’s his decision to drink and sounds like he had help which is highly likely he understood the risks and he choose to handle it himself. You cannot take the action yourself. That was down to him. Not the milkman or anyone else
I have a husband who is alive but drunk much of the time. I have asked myself so many times if he can possibly love me He promises me change but within a day he’s decided to drink again. He lies about how he got the drink how much he’s and will swear on anything and everything until the evidence is before him. I can see the shame on his face and I know deep down he is struggling. I feel he does love me. The pull of the alcohol is stronger. I know if he had a health scare he would stop initially but I strongly believe is wouldn’t be long before he started again.
He’s not physically addicted but it’s got him mentally and emotionally
I’m certain you did all you could. An alcoholic has to help themselves and only when they truly want to
Be helped will help actually work. Please read some posts on here and try and contact Icarus trust and you’ll see many sad stories which back you upx
-
-
Alcohol addiction was once described to me as being like “a song or tune that gets stuck in you head and plays over and over” (I think we’ve all had that at some point or another) so it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, if that tune keeps playing in your head, there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
I’m sure your husband loved you x
-
-
I’m so so sorry to hear what happened! This my biggest fear with my husband. He recently tried to kill himself and I’m struggling with that along with haw to get him the help he needs. Been to counseling, inpatient and outpatient. AA but then covid hit. Life can be so hard and messy. I hope you are doing well now.
-
-
I very sorry to read about your situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that so many people are so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.
Reaching out to people who have experienced very similar difficulties is recognised as a way of helping and is my reason for joining this forum today.
With the exception that my husband is not dead (albeit not living a very full life) I would echo everything you say. My husband is a lovely man when not drinking. I miss that man very much. Unfortunately that man is now almost totally consumed by alcohol. Instead, he suffers from depression and anxiety, who loathes himself and is not coping at all.
I have finally decided I can’t cope living with him any more. So here I am in my late 50’s, sat crying in my mother’s house.
I’ve tried everything, and he has had professional help. But, he has given up on having help and pretty much given up on himself. I’m extremely worried without my presence his drinking will escalate but I couldn’t stop him when I was with him.
I would love it if my leaving my husband was sufficiently motivating to make lasting changes, but l would just be kidding myself.
Sorry, have gone on about me rather than responding to you.
Your grief will be understandably mixed up and confusing. I think that you feeling angry is a normal response. It’s just anger can feel at times all consuming and a bit frightening. In time, but not immediately that feeling will lessen, I’m sure.
When someone has addictions that doesn’t mean mean that they can’t love deeply and meaningfully. however the addiction for some people is the more powerful. Not sure there are any reasons why and it seems unfair.
I hope you have found the forum helpful and you are also getting support at home
-
I’ve just come across this forum. Reading what you have written is a mirror image of my life apart from I’m only 36 and my partner is 39. My partner started drinking more to cope with his Dad dying of cancer last year. From last October it’s been a slippery slope for him. A month ago I had to move out of our family home with my teenage daughter as his drinking has gotten so bad now and his mental health suffers so badly from his drinking, its heartbreaking to see someone you love do this to themselves, and there is nothing you can do, that’s one of the hardest parts about all of this.
I hope you are well and happy xx
-
Thank you SO much for sharing your story.
I found this searching for some kind of help. My husband is alive. We are at a pinnacle time bc needs to stop drinking. I also want to support him. This needs to be a lifestyle change. Im concerned he won’t make the right choice. Praying & not sure what to do accept get help.
-
-
-
So sorry to hear your awful situation. Thank you for sharing. It’s helped me reading what you posted as it reminds me that my father were so badly affected by ‘demon’ drink.
-
While substance use disorders are often the first to come to mind, addiction exists in many forms, including behavioral addictions. Liquor is the umbrella term for hard alcoholic drinks or spirits like tequila, vodka, gin, rum and whiskey. Because alcohol is legal and widely accepted in society, it can be hard to tell the difference between casual use and abuse. https://www.addictionrehabcenters.com/drug-addiction/alcohol-abuse-addiction/signs-symptoms-and-side-effects-of-alcohol/
-
Oh that must be so worrying for you. How are you coping ? He is accepting help so that must mean he accepts his problem and wants to change. I know with my husband he swings from wanting to change to normalising his drinking. He won’t talk to anyone about it though. Refuses completely. I hope the counselling is helping
-
Mary Poppins 23. My husband was an alcoholic and I lost him 6 wks ago. I became his main carer in the end. His family had given up on him but I stood by him. I am heart broken. He had so many demons he couldn’t come to terms with. He did go to rehab twice and relapsed both times. He was never abusive when under the influence which was every day. He suffered with abdominal hernias caused by ascites and would vomit more or less on a daily basis. The alcoholic has no easy life. I find myself thinking, if I had been stronger and left him, would he have stopped but I don’t think he would have. I miss him, daft right? How can I miss all the stress and angst that goes with living with a chronic alcoholic? But I do miss him. The man inside who I married 35 yrs ago.
-
My ex-fiancé was an alcoholic who developed the addiction later in our relationship, while living together. Matter of fact, he hardly ever drank when we first were dating. He used alcohol and Benzodiazepines to cope with the divorce that occurred before we began dating, and being geographically far from his children (he had them every other weekend), we lived about an hour and 15 minutes from them, and he said the weekends would go by way too quickly. When he dropped them off home, I would notice he would take longer and longer to come back. He would come home and take his Klonopin, but then started to mix it with vodka. I was terrified. I knew he was in trouble.
I’m an ER nurse and was a Paramedic for years. I saw what happens to people like that. I tied to get him help, but nothing seemed to work. The drinking was hidden from me for many years, until he wound up so sick in bed one night, I called an ambulance. I still had no idea he had been drinking. He didn’t act drunk. He told me he was sick and that his stomach hurt very badly. He was pale, grey, sweaty, and tachycardic (very fast heart rate). When is lab work came back, it showed signs of acute pancreatitis. That’s when it dawned on me that he had been drinking severely.
He denied it over and over again, until the doctor told him that he could die if he didn’t say what he was doing. He finally admitted it. I was in such shock. After that, it was a progression every year, into a worsening state. Multiple ambulance calls, critical hospitalizations, wrecking cars, accidents, repeated rehab admissions. I would come home from work and find the gas on my stove left on, my front door wide open. My dog was the most important thing in my life at the time, he was like my child. I was so afraid that something would happen to my dog, that I couldn’t feel comfortable leaving my house with him there.
He was a wonderful father to his four children from his previous marriage, and would never do anything to jeopardize their safety……until the night he did. He was drunk, and was about to leave the house with them in the car to go to a movie. I intercepted and took the keys away. I told him to quietly go upstairs, and that I didn’t want his children seeing him this way, but they already knew something was really wrong.
The oldest one asked if his dad was going to die. I wasn’t prepared for that talk. I told them that their dad was really sick and that he needed a lot of help. I said that he wasn’t going to die that night, but that if he kept doing it, he would. I don’t know if that was the right thing to say to a 14-year-old, but I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to lie.
I finally couldn’t live that way anymore and I forced my ex to leave my house. I wanted him to go back and live with his friends, because I knew that going back to his parents would be very bad for him. They were both a big part of why he drank. He went to live with some friends for a little while, and he did the same thing there. They asked him to leave as well. He finally wound up at his parents house, and he continued to get worse. I think the most he was ever sober was four months.
I stayed very close with him even though we were not a couple anymore. I never slept. I worried about him constantly. I went through multiple texts, phone calls of drunken rants, abusive name calling, guilt trips, nurses, doctors, hospitals. My mother was the mother he always wanted. And she loved him to the very end, as did I. I feared more for his life when he told me something was wrong with his heart. Being experienced in cardiac emergencies and general cardiology, I knew he developed a lethal heart problem as a result of his drinking. I begged him to stop once more and get into a program. He said AA “wasn’t his thing”, and that he knew what he had to do.
He died six months ago, only three years after we broke up. We were together for almost 10 years. He died alone at home, in his bedroom. His father didn’t do an autopsy, so I don’t know exactly what it was that killed him. I’ll never know what happened. None of us well. His father came home two hours after he had left the house, and checked in on him, to find him dead on the floor. He was 48. A brilliant man who worked for a large company in financial compliance and surveillance. A gifted musician that came from a very famous long line of musician family members.
His mother died eight months prior to his death, and his sister died a year prior to that. All of them were alcohol and prescription drug related. His elderly father hardly ever left the house because he was afraid to leave him alone. The one morning that his father had a scheduled biopsy and left for two hours, was the morning he died. Just 8 hours before, he was at the ER for alcohol intoxication. He had texted me and said they had given him Ativan, and that they were keeping him until he was sober enough to go home. They were refusing to admit him because they didn’t have any beds, and probably because he had been there so many times before for the same thing, even though that’s not medically ethical.
My last text to him was “please stop this. You’re going to die. You’re going to cause your father to go to an early grave, and your kids will be left without their dad. I can’t do this with you anymore”.
I wish I would’ve said “I am so scared for you, I’m so sorry that you drank again, keep trying. I love you.”
I got the phone call later on the next day that he was gone. I haven’t been the same since. He was my one true love, and I knew he wouldn’t make it. I feel horrible and guilty that I made him leave the home and family that he loved so much. I devastated him when I broke up with him. He lost me, then his job, then his sister, then his mom. I watched a beautiful man slowly be destroyed.
I tried everything I could, and it wasn’t enough. I am sitting here now typing this on Christmas, after crying all day. He was my best friend. He was still my family, even after we broke up. He was at my house one week before he died. He had dinner with my mom and me. We all hugged, and told each other we loved each other very much and always would. But I still can’t forgive myself for that last text. I still can’t forgive myself for making him leave. I don’t know when this will stop hurting, and when I will be able to forgive.
Thank you for listening to my story, and thank you for sharing yours. I’m so sorry so many of you here have gone through this. I wish you all love peace and happiness.
-
Hi Daisy thank you for sharing your story it’s never easy pouring your heart out. I can relate to a lot of your experiences and your thoughts and feelings. You managed to cope with so much throughout your relationship with your true love and a lot of people wouldn’t have done that. It is crusifying to watch a beautiful person deteriorate before your eyes, and know the consequences and at the same time know you’re powerless where the alcohol or drugs are concerned. Please don’t beat yourself up with regards to your last text. You were at the end of your tether. Everyone has a breaking point, and you had reached yours. To move forward you need to forgive your partner for putting you through all what you went through on their alcohol journey. You also need to forgive yourself for that text (even though you didn’t do anything wrong). My hubby past 16 months ago now to alcoholism and I didn’t know how I would manage without him. I felt like I had been thrown on a road with so many pot holes amd speed bumps and one massive mountain at the end. I had no idea how I would manage to do this journey on my own. I did some research and found a wonderful charity called The Icarus Trust. I received 6 months counselling free of charge. The beauty of these counsellors are they have all been affected by their loved ones through alcohol or drug dependency. They understand. Maybe you could try them sweetie. With my counsellors help I now know I don’t need to climb that mountain, I can drive around the base. Doesn’t matter how long it takes, I feel I can make it. As will you. My ???? are with you and your mum and I wish you all the best. If you want to private message me you can. Take care. HEARTY.
-
Thank you so much ❤️
-
-
This story has really got to me, you are amazing for not only leaving because you had to do what was right for you but you were still with him every step of the way and didn’t give up on him completely, hope you are doing ok ❤️
-
Thank you so much! I have bad days and good days. His birthday is coming up and that will be hard. The 1 year anniversary of his death comes shortly after that, so it will be rough. Just trying to live the best way I can, day by day. I hope you’re doing okay too! ❤️
-
Thank you. I’ve been struggling, but I’m in therapy every week, working, and doing the best I can. It’s a long, hard journey. The pain of losing him and the reality of him being gone is sometimes overwhelming. I cry a lot. The first anniversary of his death just passed in June. I have been able to bring myself to visit his grave yet. Some days are better than others, but nothing feels the same. All I can do is keep trying to live, and hope that someday, I find peace and happiness again. I hope you all do too. ❤️
-
-
-
i am experiencing the exact same thing. my husband passed days ago. it feels like my heart is literally breaking. before the alcohol he was truly one of the finest human beings there was. it’s been a horrible 5+ years. my biggest regret was that my two daughters watched their father slowly take his own life. if i left (really had nowhere to go) i felt like i was giving up on him/us. staying with him till the end definitely left it’s scars on all of us. not sure if i know how to live without all the worry.
-
It is completely understandable and normal that you would miss him. In your husband, you saw a human being who despite the curse of alcoholism, you loved unconditionally and deeply. You spend more than three decades with him and you were compassionate despite the toughest of circumstances. I have the greatest respect and admiration for you. My situation was very similar. I was married for 30 years. I had three children with my husband. He was the love of my life. His earlier years battling alcoholism were much more severe and they left a permanent scar on me which I was apparently unable to erase from my mind. Towards the end, he had mellowed significantly. He was actually a lovely person. I feel as though I was the one who messed it all up. One night, I sensed that he had been drinking and I asked him how he could have done this to us again and I left the house with my daughter. He took his life that evening and that man who shared my life with me is gone.
-
-
Hi I am so sorry for the loss of your husband , this site is an amazing support and I hope it gives you little bit of help to get through this terrible time . I have a son with addiction problems , drink and drugs and I find this site helps, I also lost my husband to alcohol and drugs so feel your pain myn was over 20 years ago but know exactly how dark things are when you first lose the person you love especially horrific when it’s substance abuse , just wish to God I had this site back then , wishing you all the best and try stay strong x
-
Hi to all of you and to the writer of the original post
I can so resonate with all your comments
I am sitting writing this with tears for all of your sufferings and mine too.
My husband too is an alcoholic I tried to cope but eventually could cope no longer and he went to live with his parents, who now too have reached their limits
It’s the roller coaster of believing they can get better and thinking they are.
I have found the lies and the manipulation unbearable and it’s so incredibly lonely. I just want to say this is so not fair, he used to be the kindest man you could meet.
I blame myself too, why did I not do something earlier? I have experienced every emotion a human can.
At the moment I am just trying to pick myself back up and look after myself and the children. It is so hard and I send love and support to all of you who find yourself in this suffering
I
-
Hi Kitty888,
This hits me hard. I could totally relate to you. My husband is always drinking everyday ever since we started dating. I noticed that he is a heavy drinker in the early years of our relationship though I swept it under the rug because he is still a good man behind his constant drinking. He also has this anger management that I’m not sure if it is associated with his drinking. Lately, we are always fighting as he always initiate a fight that I can’t help myself to engage with. I can’t bite my tongue especially if he taunts me. He’s been dropping by to his mother’s house whose also an alcoholic and fuels his habit. She always buys him beer everyday and sometimes he would sleep there because he couldn’t drive anymore. That mainly the reason of our arguments and he also admitted that his mother is his fuel for his addiction. Yesterday, we got into a big fight and he told me I’m the reason why he’s been drinking and wouldn’t want to come home. I told him we are done and he accepted it. I’m in so much pain because we have a son who is affected by our decision. I know that it’s best decision for everyone, I just need time to heal.
-
-
Hey i just want to point out when you said did he really care for me and my answer is yes he did, im an addict im currently terrified to get help but im going to but please understand no matter the way we are and the way we come across we love our families sometimes we are just to scared to admit how bad it is incase we disappoint our loved ones and i am talking through experience where i am currently terrified to admit and hurt my family, im so sorry for your loss but he loved you and dont ever forget that xx
-
Thank you for this …
-
-
Brilliant that you’ve found strength to get help , think we all realise deep down that our loved ones do care it’s the drugs and alcohol that make them the way they are but hard sometimes to remember that when your on the recieving end of their abuse , I wish you luck with getting help stay strong x
-
Hi, I just list my husband 2 months ago to alcoholism…..alcohol poisoning. We were divorcing and this is the result. I feel guilty, buti tried EVERYTHING I knew too. Myself and our daughters begged and pleaded for more than 10 years…nothing could reah him. He’d make promises….improve for a couple of weeks and then the lies and sneaking would start all over again. I had reach the point where it was ruining our lives and home…we had to have a stop to it. I watched the man I loved….(still love) slowly slipping away until he was completely gone. Its devastating!
-
So sorry about your loss. I’m currently separated from my husband of 34 years. He’s been a heavy drinker for at least ten years. He has lost his license to drive, has alcohol neuropathy, looks awful from lack of nutrition, and was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer. I delayed the divorce filing so he can get surgery performed under my insurance and helped him detox this last time which was severe with the tremors and vomiting but he made it through. He stayed sober for two weeks and picked it back up again. This disease is maddening and after all these years, I’m still so angry and disappointed. I feel like I can’t continue to care more for him then he does himself. I have to move forward with the divorce despite his cancer and health insurance needs. But then I’m consumed with guilt.
Thank you all for sharing your stories to help me navigate the most intense negative emotions this awful disease provokes.
-
-
-
-
I can so relate to posts on this forum. My husband is now in his 60s. He’s always been a heavy drinker and gone through withdrawals before but never managed to stay off booze for more than a month. Tragically he lost his only daughter (my step daughter) in December and has never recovered from the grief. Since then his drinking has steadily increased and drinks a bottle of gin and more a day, starting early morning, sometimes adding a bottle of wine or 2. He’s spiralled into a deeper depression, is hardly eating and is severely dehydrated as we speak. If he goes too long without a drink he suffers severe withdrawals, so much so that I have to go and buy his booze to relieve the symptoms (I know I shouldn’t but can’t bear to watch him go through this and he refuses to let me call for professional help). I have called immediate family for help but all they do is give him the talk and leave, telling me it’s his choice and they’ve done their bit! He doesn’t wash, brush his teeth or change his clothes, he’s very weak, cannot climb the stairs and needs help to go to the toilet (me), subsequently he sleeps on a chair in the living room. Currently he has no concept of time. My husband is a big man and I am finding it difficult to physically help him. I try to spend most days out of the house but becoming increasingly anxious as to what I might find when I come home. I range from being angry and resentful of him to sadness and despair over the man who used to be. He says I and everyone else would be better off he died, he doesn’t seem to care that he’s slowly killing himself. I really could do with some advice from others who are going through similar.
-
your situation sounds very similar to the last few weeks before my husband passed. first, so very sorry for what you are going through. it sounds like his body is probably shutting down. if he doesn’t receive medical attention he will pass. ultimately the choice is his as to whether he wants it or not. as i said, i’ve just experienced the exact same thing. my husband died of “natural causes caused by ethanol abuse”. i am heartbroken because i know what a wonderful husband and father he was before. reach out to someone for help for yourself.
-
My husband is also in what appears to be his last stages of this disease and also won’t shower, shave, eat, is too weak to walk and only finds the will to get more booze – as his tremors are extreme without it. He needs surgery for cancer and just came out of his last bender for a two week run of being sober just to pick it back up last night. He said he doesn’t want to live life sober. I feel like he just doesn’t want to live having lost so much – his marriage, his relationship with his kids, his license, his work. But he says that’s not the case.
I’m grateful to not have to witness this decline daily but am wracked with fear, anxiety, guilt, anger, sadness and grief for having lost the wonderful man I know him to be before alcohol destroyed him. I am sad to hear of others suffering but am comforted others know exactly what I’m going through.
-
Reading your post, it could be a mirror image of my life! My husband of 42 years has been an alcoholic for the past 15 years, twice having being in intensive care due to alcohol related illness.But still he refuses to die.The doctors don’t know how he is managing to survive.One time when he was in ICU he attacked the doctors and nurses due to hallucinations from alcohol withdrawal, it took 7 people to hold him down to medicate him.Understandably he is not popular with hospital staff, but the junior docs are also really unpleasant to me, as though I am responsible for his condition. I expect as they are so overworked they see him as a drain on resources( I agree!!) but I don’t know why I have to bear the brunt.Consultants, obviously older and wiser have always been lovely.
Interestingly, my husband has never said he wants to stop drinking, and has never said he is sorry to any of the family.It is always somebody else’s fault for his need to drink..
There is no hope.
I can’t afford to leave him, although it would certainly be the best thing for me as I feel my life is being frittered away and my own mental and physical health is suffering.It would probably be the best for the family too, as I think if left unchecked he would drink himself to death.
I tried visiting an AA family group, but to be honest found the focus was more on the alcoholic than on me!
Thank you for letting me post and rant on here, I have only just joined,it feels good to get it off my chest, as normally it’s kept “secret” and within the family.
-
-
-
-
I lost my fiancé on Wednesday morning. He had been drinking for years and was starting to taper off, but ultimately had a seizure and stopped breathing. I’m devastated and angry that he didn’t get medical help with quitting. I begged him to go to a facility, but he said he could do it on his own.
He leaves me and his 12 year old daughter from his previous marriage behind. I don’t think she knows the cause, she just thinks daddy didn’t take care of himself. He smoked, he didn’t eat, he had such bad anxiety and depression that it would cause him to vomit for days. He had lost so much weight in the last 2 years. I knew something was seriously wrong. He did too.
He told me last week that if he died to make sure and check in on his daughter. I begged him to go to the hospital but of course he wouldn’t. Our wedding was supposed to be November 8th and we were excitedly planning. I’m left with the wedding that will only be in my imagination. I’m angry that his stubbornness has left me heartbroken and alone. I’m angry that I couldn’t help him. I’m angry that his daughter will now grow up without a father.
But my heart also goes out to him for actively making positive changes. It was probably too late, and he went about it the wrong way, but he was trying and for that I am grateful.
I’m left having to explain to my friends and family why a healthy 46 year old man could suddenly die. Only one of my friends knows the truth. I’m ashamed. How can I heal from this if it’s such a dark secret. I just can’t bring myself to further tarnish his name.
I love you Bryan. I hope you find peace.
-
I can relate to so many of these posts and it gives some degree of comfort to know I’m not alone. My husband died 6 weeks ago. We were so happy for such a long time. I realised he was an alcoholic around 10 years ago, but he was functioning and life seemed okay. Things escalated out of control through lockdown, and the last 18 months have been so difficult. He would lie about his drinking, even when I confronted him with the empty bottles I found around the house. I would hide his car keys to try and stop him going to buy vodka. He had such low self esteem but everyone who knew him loved him, he just couldn’t see it. He had counselling support and spent 2 months in rehab, but drank a bottle of vodka less than 24 hours after leaving there. That was the last straw for me and we separated, but a month later he was dead. I feel so lost and guilty, though in my heart I know he was never going to stop. I love and miss him so much.
-
Guilt is such a common theme in each of these stories. It is the kind of hopeless and pointless emotion that drags us back into despair and self-questioning. Many people urged me to leave my husband over the years but I never did. I stayed. Yes, I was angry and cruel sometimes but I was a normal human being who was dealing with a very abnormal situation. Sometimes my reactions to the deception were completely out of control. I believe that alcoholism distorts our normal thinking and throws our emotions into chaos so that we behave as different people. When alcoholism takes its final toll, we as the ones who loved our husbands with all our hearts are left holding all the wreakage from the past. But it is not good and it is not productive. We have to be strong for our children and for ourselves as well and we have to make it our priority to find a way back to healing and to life.
-
-
It is Christmas day and I am weeping as I type this. My husband is now estranged from most of his family. He is drinking morning, noon and night. There is no kindness or common sense left in him only his need for alcohol which supercedes his need for food or sustainance. He says he is too weak to stand and expects me to see to his toileting needs. I do the best I can and also give him a daily wash but I am ashamed to say inside my head I detest what he has become. I have endured these relapses for years and each gets worse than the last one. I try to spend my days out of the house or in another room but lately he has started shouting or should I say bellowing for me throughout the night when I’m trying to sleep usually because he’s panicking that he has or hasn’t got a drink. He knows if he doesn’t keep ‘topped’ up he will go into withdrawal. I am worn out but the services I’ve contacted are all about support groups for me… I know all about the so called boundaries and finding my safe place etc. I am torn about what to do. Should I ring 111 and explain this to them .. can they help? Should add that he is not capable of getting his own alcohol now and relies on me to supply him. I could cut off this knowing he will get more ill than he is now and I’ll more than likely have to call for medical assistance anyway. I know and accept this terrible disease is also mentally debilitating him and he is not wholly responsible but I am sick of living this way. Thank you all for reading and wishing you love peace and happiness
-
Hi thank you for sharing its so hard to do. My personal experience with 111 was unsatisfactory I’m afraid they told me to contact my GP who was also no help. You could try addiction helper they helped me and my hubby but as soon as he came out of rehab the next day he was on the booze again. It is so tiring being in an alcoholics bubble, not to mention mentally draining, and all anxiety added on top for good measure. Good luck sweetie. ????????
-
-
Morning everyone I’m just sat here on my own and came across this forum.
I lost my dear husband in October to alcohol and depression just before his 50th birthday.
He always liked a drink but lockdown in March 2020 exasperated this he just lost the battle being at home 247 the demons in his head took over. In December 2020 I decided my teenage needed a safe haven for their own mental health so we moved out of the family home, I also thought this would make my husband realise he needed to seek professional support, he promised me he would and I promised as soon as he did we would move back, sadly he never did.
Without the alcohol he was the kindest man we had been married for 21 years he was the love of my life and I convinced myself I would be enough and he would find his way back to me.
We never stopped seeing him or loving him and I used to say one day I will find you life less he promised he would never do that to me.
One night after a very busy shift at work I called to check on him and he was lifeless.
The past 2 months have been a blur and even though I have amazing friends and family I feel so alone, reading all your posts have given me a little comfort knowing I’m not the only one because believe me you think you are!!
For any one reading this please don’t be alone reach out I’m so sorry you are all going through this.
Take care ❤
-
My husband passed over on the Winter Solstice 2021 due to his alcoholism
I tried everything I could to make him better
He suffered from panic attacks & anxiety
The drink was a form of self medication.
In the end it took him physically, mentally & spiritually.
It’s the most cruelest and debilitating disease which had such a devastating effect on the alcoholic & their loved ones
At the moment I am trying to come to terms with it , it’s surreal and I can’t believe it’s happened .
I am sending lots of love & hugs to all of you who are suffering due to alcoholism . ????????????
-
It is so heartbreaking for those of us that are left behind. At the root of all of it is an intense lack of understanding for the nature of this addiction. I just keep feeling that we are good people who are blaming ourselves for deserting our most precious loved one in their most urgent hour of need. I myself feel as though I treated my husband’s alcoholism as a behavioral problem that he was submitting all of us to on a daily basis; and that all he needed to do was have the courage and conviction to quit. This belief of mine was born of ignorance and lack of understanding for the disease of alcoholism. It caused me to become angry and extremely intolerant. Its tentacles spread throughout the family. I yelled incessently at him and sometimes at my children like some heathen beast because I was so angry. But it was so much more complicated than that. It was bigger than all of us. To have that person gone; the I loved with every grain of my being is just such an attack on love and human dignity. In losing my husband I have become a more compassionate person. It is almost as though I have learned an invaluable lesson in the power of love and patience and understanding. I want to take that with me for the rest of my life and live in this new way with my beautiful husband guiding me every step of the way. I’m doing my masters in teaching at 55 years old and I am going to try and bring healing wherever I go from this point onwards.
-
Very hearthbreaking and painful Barbaram
Yes the same for me…i treated him as he didn’t want to stop, as he had lack of willpower and i reacted with anger…and when he died i blamed myself for not understand, i felt guilty…
But now i know that we did what we can….i read the experiences of other women in this forum and in others! You can’t save someone from this horrible desease…they have to save themself! We did what we could…
So good you want to be a better person…it’s the right thing to do!
A warm hug Roxi
-
-
-
Hi all, I’m so glad I found this forum as I’ve been beating myself up all week. I lost my lovely caring kindest partner last week due to alcohol. I met him 6 years ago a couple of years after losing my husband to a heart attack. At first he hid his drink problem from me but in the last year and a half it took over and depression set in. After several drinking benders, falls injuries and hospital admissions I told him I could take no more . Although I knew in my heart I could never walk away from him I was all he had. I didnt live with him full time only half the week and I know I was beginning to stay with him less and less because his drinking was bringing me down.I begged him to get professional help but he was gone to far to care if he lived or died. The last day I saw him he had fallen and injured himself badly he wouldn’t let me take him to hospital or a doctor , he hadn’t eaten in over a week he was living on vodka. I was mad with him. He said hed sleep and I said I’d call during my lunchtime from work. When I did he was gone. My last words to him where harsh and I’ll never forgive myself. Did I let him down ? Could I have been more forceful with him to get help? I don’t know but it’s too late now and I’m struggling
-
-
Thank you
-
-
Hi everyone
im so sorry for everyone who is going through this x
I left my partner a month ago as i couldn’t cope any longer with the person he’d become through alcohol ive spent over a year trying to get him help doctors/ hospital but he just couldn’t the drink had took over my lovely kind caring man.
the week after i left our next door neighbour called to say Mike had been found dead on the kitchen floor im devastated i only spoke to him that morning he said he was going to get help i carnt believe i left him to die on his own, i so wish i was with him when he died just to hold him and tell him everything is going to be ok dont know how to cope without him.
-
Lorraine your story is exactly the same as mine. My partner knew he was losing me because I couldn’t cope with the drinking anymore he had no interest in anything else . Like you I spoke to him that morning and he promised hed get help . I found him dead on the kitchen floor at lunchtime. I have been through the same thoughts , why didnt I stay with him, why didnt I spend more time with him instead he died alone. Unfortunately we cant predict what’s going to happen. I’ve read through loads of posts here and I have gotten comfort that so many people have gone through the same and I’ve come to realise once drink takes a person over theres really nothing you can do for them if they dont want help. Take care of yourself and know your not alone in your regrets we’ve all been there x
-
-
thankyou kate60
its just so sad he was such a wonderful caring man but as you said he didnt care about anything on the end id be out for work for 13 hours and he hadnt even let my dog out or fed her he no concept of time just drank and slept.
i stayed off work for a month to try and stop him from buying vodka but he always found a excuse to go out coming back drunk.
i nearly lost my job so had to go back leaving him to drink vodka morning noon and night. i feel so sorry for anyone going through this its such a horrible illness x
thankyou for everyones posts its really helping me to come to terms with my loss xxx
-
thankyou kate60
its just so sad he was such a wonderful caring man but as you said he didnt care about anything on the end id be out for work for 13 hours and he hadnt even let my dog out or fed her he no concept of time just drank and slept.
i stayed off work for a month to try and stop him from buying vodka but he always found a excuse to go out coming back drunk.
i nearly lost my job so had to go back leaving him to drink vodka morning noon and night. i feel so sorry for anyone going through this its such a horrible illness x
thankyou for everyones posts its really helping me to come to terms with my loss xxx
-
Hi in total agreement with all the comments
We do have to accept that people have free will and everyone has a choice as painful or as difficult it is to accept
The main thing is to focus on you now .
I realised I had been so absorbed on fixing and rescuing my partner that I had stopped living myself
The main thing now is to start thinking about what you want and to start planning things to start having fun again .
It will take time , and we all have days where it hits you and it feels surreal.
The main thing now is to plan your life and enjoy the moment & start thinking about future happy times ????????????
-
Hi ktty888
im usually quite outgoing but i feel like i dont want to go out anymore or go to work x i lived in Mikes house for the last 2 years since he didnt make a will im homeless living with my daughter sleeping in my granddaughters bed x im so glad ive got my family around me and feel so sorry for people who dont x im 53 devastated guilty and homeless dont know where to turn xx
-
Hi ktty888
im usually quite outgoing but i feel like i dont want to go out anymore or go to work x i lived in Mikes house for the last 2 years since he didnt make a will im homeless living with my daughter sleeping in my granddaughters bed x im so glad ive got my family around me and feel so sorry for people who dont x im 53 devastated guilty and homeless dont know where to turn xx
-
Im so sorry to hear so many are going through this nightmare, I feel like I’m stuck in October when we lost my dear husband. Some days I can get on with my day others I just can’t and don’t move all day and feel so angry that we were not enough, I miss ‘us’ ????
-
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would be frozen too. I can tell ya ll had. Real love & that’s sad I’m feeling the same but at a loss bc I know this is an uphill battle. I have said “I miss you “ & he says he misses me too. It’s just I know this is also a disease.
I really feel for you. I freeze too. Prayers for you & your healing more..each day.
-
-
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would be frozen too. I can tell ya ll had. Real love & that’s sad I’m feeling the same but at a loss bc I know this is an uphill battle. I have said “I miss you “ & he says he misses me too. It’s just I know this is also a disease.
I really feel for you. I freeze too. Prayers for you & your healing more..each day.
-
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would be frozen too. I can tell ya ll had. Real love & that’s sad I’m feeling the same but at a loss bc I know this is an uphill battle. I have said “I miss you “ & he says he misses me too. It’s just I know this is also a disease.
I really feel for you. I freeze too. Prayers for you & your healing more..each day.
-
i have just been told im not welcome to my partners funeral by his brother im so devastated x
-
Hi to all! I lost my partner almost 4 years ago in a accident caused by his alcohol addiction
I was and i am sometimes overwhelmed by emotions and feeling of guilty ‘cos at the time i didn’t understand what addiction is…i treated him as he had not enough will…i was angry at him ‘cos he betrayed all his promises to stop drinking!
He was a funny cheerful nice kind loving soul…i miss him all the time! I didn’t understand he was fighting his demons and he had a deep pain inside that i understimated….i’m paying the worst price: i losed him! And it’s a terribile void inside and outside..
I’m glad i finally find this forum…i see by your posts that you share with me emotions and pain…thanks to listen me, english is not my language…love and peace Roxi
-
I am sitting here tonight trying to decide whether to stay or go. Like you my sober husband is a lovely man but my drunk husband is a different person. It’s nothing new but it has become worse over the last couple of years. He is drinking almost every night. Promises continually to stop but never does. It’s affecting his health in several different ways but still he goes on. Denies it constantly. Like someone else who responded I worry that if I leave he will be worse. But by staying am I helping? I don’t know the answer. Look after yourself and don’t waste the rest of your life blaming yourself Every drink was his decision
-
It is such a sad sad thing to lose your love to a disease that systematically destroys any semblance of family and loyalty and love. There is no guidebook for us because our loss is colored by resentment, guilt and anger. I am glad I have found this space to express all of this. There is nothing rambling about your thoughts. Never ever feel that way. This is my first day to this group but I have a feeling it will be a place of healing.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
-
Sorry to hear of your lost. I’m a drug & alcohol counselor who works in a Detox facility. Unfortunately a chronic alcohol user becomes physically dependent on the drug. Someone with an AUD no longer drink to feel good but they drink to get well. The body has become dependent on the drug and if they don’t get in their system they will have withdrawals causing their bodies to go into shock. This shock can cause a seizure or even death. Anyone who is battling this disease cannot quit cold turkey without some serious consequences. Your husband truly loved you and y’all kids but unfortunately the disease had taken over his mind. Once the mind is altered with substance abuse it takes a lot of time to get back to a normal state of mind and health. Blessings to you.
-
Thank you for explain so well what happens to them…it’s something i had to know at the time to understand the behaviour of my loved one and why he couldn’t change…
-
-
Thank you for explain so well what happens to them…it’s a thing i had to know at the time to understand the behaviour of my loved one and why he couldn’t change…
-
-
There is nothing remotely self-piteous in your words. You are the essence of strength. Every post from a survivor who has lost a precious loved one to alcoholism is an opportunity to heal, even if it is only for one day. I found this site while I was staying at a guest-house with my 16 year old daughter. I cried for eight hours straight. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself. I was crying for all the sadness and pain that is left in the wake of this horror. I will walk with each of you on this journey and together we will heal.
-
-
Thank you Roxi. We will all be here for each other.
-
Yes it’s good talkin’ about that with friends as you who can understand…we all lived the same bad experience and we are here without our loved ones…and we know how it can be devastating..!!..thank Barbara and MaryPoppins
-
Hello everyone, I haven’t posted in a while….but I still read the messages. I’m at a year and a half in. I try to stay busy still to keep my mind off of everything. I don’t cry as much, I don’t know if I’m just cried out or Just simply numb. I miss him every second of everyday. Once upon a time we were so deeply in love. He was a wonderful man…. my soulmate no doubt about it! This horrible disease changed him… he became someone that hated me, someone that seemed like a stranger. My husband seemed to have faded away years ago. This will be my struggle for the rest of my life. I still love the man that I married. I try to remember the good times, but then memories of how everything happened creep in. I am so thankful for this thread and this forum. You all understand and can relate to how this disease corrupts the drinker and all that love them. Thank you all for your continued advise and words of encouragement. No one can relate to this hell unless you’ve lived it.
-
Hi i can relate with this…my love was a wonderful tender funny creative man…i miss him all the time! But the disease made him a dark stranger…not violent thanks God! But someone who i didn’t know…anyway i remember the good times together and i miss him!!! There’s not one around so wonderful…i am grateful that he was in my life….i lost him 4 years ago! My life is not so good now but i’m trying to live again with him in my mind and in my dreams…
We never forget our loved ones ‘cos they were so special…thanks and take care hugs Roxi
-
-
Hello everyone, I haven’t posted in a while….but I still read the messages. I’m at a year and a half in. I try to stay busy still to keep my mind off of everything. I don’t cry as much, I don’t know if I’m just cried out or Just simply numb. I miss him every second of everyday. Once upon a time we were so deeply in love. He was a wonderful man…. my soulmate no doubt about it! This horrible disease changed him… he became someone that hated me, someone that seemed like a stranger. My husband seemed to have faded away years ago. This will be my struggle for the rest of my life. I still love the man that I married. I try to remember the good times, but then memories of how everything happened creep in. I am so thankful for this thread and this forum. You all understand and can relate to how this disease corrupts the drinker and all that love them. Thank you all for your continued advice and words of encouragement. No one can relate to this hell unless you’ve lived it.
-
-
Hello everyone, I haven’t posted in a while….but I still read the messages. I’m at a year and a half in. I try to stay busy still to keep my mind off of everything. I don’t cry as much, I don’t know if I’m just cried out or Just simply numb. I miss him every second of everyday. Once upon a time we were so deeply in love. He was a wonderful man…. my soulmate no doubt about it! This horrible disease changed him… he became someone that hated me, someone that seemed like a stranger. My husband seemed to have faded away years ago. This will be my struggle for the rest of my life. I still love the man that I married. I try to remember the good times, but then memories of how everything happened creep in. I am so thankful for this thread and this forum. You all understand and can relate to how this disease corrupts the drinker and all that love them. Thank you all for your continued advice and words of encouragement. No one can relate to this hell unless you’ve lived it.
-
I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through. I feel the same way. Even though we weren’t married, we lived like we were, and shared everything for 10 years. He was the only man I ever said “yes” to in a marriage proposal. I feel numb sometimes too. And then sometimes I feel like I can’t take the pain. I cry all the time. I’m a year out from his death, and had broken up with him 3 years prior, but never got over him. And he never got over me. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever been through, and I lost my first love in an accident when I was 18. I thought that was the worst. It wasn’t. Losing my ex to alcoholism was much worse. I know everything you’re feeling. I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. I wish we all did. Just know that we’re here and we understand you. Many prayers and wishes of peace and healing for everyone here. ❤️????????
-
-
I’m so sorry to hear this. My partner is in ill health due to alcoholism and this is the fear I have, I worry he won’t wake up one morning. He seems to function ok when he goes to work but the rest of the time he is wasted, falling around, then if I offer to do something, as I worry he’ll hurt himself or a pet, I get shouted at and called an idiot or worse! I resonate with what you are saying, as I have only told one close friend how bad things are currently, and I am too questioning why, am I embarrassed or scared of him finding out I’ve ‘gossiped’. I guess the neighbours have an awareness as he’s shouting obscenities in the garden most evenings but no one has asked if things are ok which I find strange, maybe they are embarrassed too or don’t want to get involved! It’s so hard to know how to help but I suppose, really, they can only help themselves and why do we carry the guilt?
-
I’m so lost and dont really know what to do next. I have been with my husband for 20, he is a heavy drinker, currently a bottle of rum a day. Things reached a head about 3 years ago when I couldnt cope with his drinking anymore, he lied about attending aa meetings but finally i got him to the hospital/doctors when he went cold turkey and suffered bad side effects. Things where a little better after the side effects subsided, i worked on a reduced drinking plan with him which was ok at first but within 4 months he was back to excessive drinking.At that point he seemed to be functioning at work – but i worried daily about car accidents etc. over the last 3/4 months things have got worse again, a bottle of spirits a day, moody, forgetful, massive weight loss, no apetite. After a recent bout of covid i made him go to the doctors for blood tests etc as he didnt return to work and basically has spent the last 6 weeks either sleeping or drinking (Im at work). He said his bloods came back ok, i have my doubts, he is due a ct scan in a few days but still carries on with drinking and smoking, he wont discuss. He has no family close by and refuses to discuss with his parents/siblings anyway. I feel my health is now reallt suffering because of the worry, of what may happen when im not there. Yesterday he fell in the house, which i know was due to no food and lots of drink, he denies it. All he does is sleep, (but can manage to walk to the shop daily for alcohol!!) I am convinced with weight loss and being a drinker and smoker he has a cancer. I keep this hidden from my son and parents, although i think they may have an idea. I dont want to be cruel, but i also dont want to spend my later years looking after a drunk, Really at the end of my tether with nobody to talk to. We are mid 50’s
-
-
Thank you MaryPoppins23, sorry for the rant i just feel i have very limited options for support and feel a massive amount of guilt for even thinking about myself.
My son is older and doesn’t live at home, but feel too embarrassed to discuss the problem with anyone.
I am going to try and see my gp (easier said than done). Back home after work to find him flat out and an empty bottle, cant even get 2 words out if him, and worry he will never get back to work or talk.
Thanks for listening
-
-
Thank you MaryPoppins23, sorry for the rant i just feel i have very limited options for support and feel a massive amount of guilt for even thinking about myself.
My son is older and doesn’t live at home, but feel too embarrassed to discuss the problem with anyone.
I am going to try and see my gp (easier said than done). Back home after work to find him flat out and an empty bottle, cant even get 2 words out if him, and worry he will never get back to work or talk.
Thanks for listening
-
Hello,
Finding this forum is a blessing sent from Heaven. Here I am 3 months away from turning 50 and starting over. My lovely boyfriend of 8 years has ruined his life with his alcohol addiction. It’s been a very painful process watching him drink himself to death. August 21 2022 I saved his life: he was in ICU for 6 days as he was treated for severe alcohol withdrawal. He had a stroke and had a severe seizure and I had to do CPR to get him to breahe. I always thought he would die in his sleep from drinking so much. I’m very traumatized by watching him almost die in my arms. Watching him slowly drift away has been emotionally exhausting. He was discharged and opened a bottle of Bollinger Champagne to celebrate the fact that he was still alive. Then the drinking all day and night started again. It took alot for me to pack a few things and walk out the door while he was sitting drunk at the dinner table. He is defenseless against this disease without the tools he desperately needs. I have been alone for years waiting for him to stop drinking and waiting for him to get out of bed before 4pm. My life has suffered immensely. I jumped off the roller coaster finally September 5 to start the process of getting my life back. Support from my friends has been coming in every form imaginable. I miss my home, so I thought. But I have realized I have my FREEDOM now to start my healing process.
-
<p style=”text-align: center;”>Hi all. I hope people can still see this thread. I’ve only just found this site after losing my husband last November. I can relate to so many of your comments. We were childhood sweethearts, together for 24 years, married for 13 and had 2 kids. His drinking had been an issue on and off throughout our whole relationship but the last year or so really took its toll. In the last year his drinking increased massively and his mental health deteriorated. It got to the point where he would go missing for days on end, spending all our money and borrowing more knowing he could never pay it back. The trust was gone as the lies he told consumed his life. It was like living with 2 people, my best friend and a complete stranger. I still have so many unanswered questions that I will never know the truth about. Near the end he was trying to get help with several local services but unfortunately he was let down time and time again. He took an overdose and I think he didn’t ever stand a chance of surviving due to the damage the years of drinking had already done to his body. I go from feeling numb to such a huge range of emotions that totally knock the wind out of me. I go over everything over and over again wondering if I could have done more or if it was my fault. I’m trying to stay strong for the kids and build a new life for us but I don’t know where to start or if I will ever feel happiness again. I never imagined a life without him and it’s hard to come to terms with that. Thanks for listening.</p>
-
I also lost my husband this past November. We were married for 29 years. We married when we were 20. We had 2 amazing children. He was a wonderful, amazing man . He inspired many people. He had 2 Masters degrees and a doctorates degree. He was a leader in higher education. We always told each other “you are my life”. 5 years ago his drinking became very heavy. He grew up with a family of drug addicts, but he had overcome all those obstacles and made something great out of his life, but he never felt satisfied. I know he loves our children and I deeply, but the alcohol stole him away from us. 3 years ago he had gastric sleeve surgery and was informed alcohol use would be bad for him and he could only drink occasionally. A month and a half after surgery he was drinking again. Then COVID hit and he was lost in alcohol. He started having black outs and collapsing. A year ago he started sleeping all the time and if he was awake he was drinking. I tried everything to get him to stop. In June of 2022 after having family interventions, and setting up rehab, which he refused, I had to leave him. He was not him anymore and I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I told him if he was sober for 30 days I would come back. That didn’t happen. I filed for divorce, that didn’t make him wake up. Then in October he was admitted to the hospital for alcoholic hepatitis. His liver was destroyed, kidneys damaged. And you could tell he had severe brain damage. He was denied a liver transplant and we brought him home for hospice care. It was a painful death to watch, but me along with the family nursed him through until he took his last breath. I miss him for who he was. I feel guilty for being thankful he has finally passed. I know God has taken care of me through it all and I am working on healing. I wish I would have found this forum a year ago, but I’m thankful for reading it now. It is comforting knowing I’m not alone in experiencing this horrible disease.
-
I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing.
My husband was also denied a liver transplant and he was on kidney dialysis until his body could no longer tolerate it. I hope your family has found comfort from each other.
-
-
I am very very sorry to hear of all the pain and suffering alcohol has caused everyone here. It sounds like many of the hubbies aren’t able to stomach abstinence and feel so bad already about not being able to quit they might not even try abstinence. In our family someone who really struggled with heavy daily drinking was able to become a normie by taking the medication naltrexone an hour before drinking and redosing the medication if the drinking continued. It took about two years and the drinking dissipated gradually. It was a drink to extinct program and when compared to white knuckle abstinence it was a big help for us. It at leasts offers people a second solution that has effectiveness of 78%. I don’t know if this might help someone but it is inexpensive about 50.00 for three months in the US. I am not in any way against abstinence (realistic rehab success rate is 10%) and if anyone is able to stop drinking this is obviously amazing. However, the naltrexone option might get someone who has failed AA or won’t start with no drinking at least headed towards recovery. Claudia Christian is a huge proponent of The Sinclair Method, she has a TED talk and a movie called One Little Pill. I send love to all who are suffering and hope this can help someone.
-
I am so glad to find this site. My husband of 29 years passed away last month from alcohol abuse. He been a drinker since he was young, but had quit for 5 years. In the past 6 years or so his medical health had gotten very bad (stents in his heart, diabetic, liver disease, low hemoglobin, etc etc). He has started to get more aggresive and violent last summer and as hard as it was I had to leave. He blamed me for everything, as he had done for many years. My son and I went through so much mental torment for years. Even though we had been living apart for over a year, I still kept him on my benefits from work so he could get his medication, helped him out where I could. His health got very bad, he was falling a lot which was likely due to low blood among other things. He was in and out of the hospital every few weeks. He had so much support and love but would not go to get help. He was using a walker for the past few months and even though he was weak he could manage to get across to the plaza near his apartment to buy beer. I had said so many times that he was drinking himself to death and that my son or I would come home one day to find him dead. The day he passed I had called him on my lunch and he said he was feeling weak ( but this wasn’t anything unusual as he didn’t eat or take care of himself) so I told him to call an ambulance. He asked if I could pick up his medication at the pharmacy after work and drop them off and I said I would, and I also said if he was still feeling weak I was going to take him to the hospital. 5 hours later I dropped off his medication – when I walked into the apartment he was on his reclining chair and I thought he was sleeping or passed out with all the beer cans around the apartment. What I had feared for years had happened – I called his name, shook him, saw that he wasn’t breathing. I tried CPR and called for paramedics, but when they gone there they said it was too late, he was gone. Even though this scenario had gone through my mind dozens of times, when it happened it still shocked me. I felt guilty for leaving him even though if I hadn’t he would like have hurt me or my son. I still feel guilty for so many things. I am doing grief counselling and attending Al Anon, but I don’t feel like my situation “fits” anywhere – until I googled “wives who have lost a spouse to alcohol” and came across this forum. I am so sorry for what you all are going through, but I feel after reading the stories that you would truly understand. Thank you for letting me share.
-
Hi Mary Poppins
Your story is so similar to mine, I can relate instantly. I lost my husband a week ago to alcohol and other underlying health issues. I’m honestly struggling with how he died.
I can’t offer any words of encouragement to you but I can only say that I understand.
-
Hi everyone I’m so glad I found this thread. My partner was an alcoholic and he died a week ago. His heart gave up on him. We were no longer living together (due to his alcohol use) but we still loved each other deeply. The last time I saw him in person was September and in between September and now he had two binges, one of which saw him in detox and the second ended in his heart failing him.
I’m eaten up with guilt about if I could have done more, I didn’t tell him I loved him when I last spoke to him and I told him in the last conversation we ever had that we couldn’t have a romantic relationship anymore, only friends. I know it broke his heart and I think it triggered the last binge. I watched my happy, healthy partner descend into depression and a very serious addiction in 12 months, an empty shell, eyes that were previously full of life that turned into empty windows to the soul.
He tried so hard to lift himself out of it but the alcohol had gripped him so hard and so strong that he couldn’t get away from it no matter how much he tried.
I take some comfort that he is no longer in the mental and emotional pain he was in but also he was only 47 and he had a full life ahead of him.
I wonder if I should have taken him back into my home, should I have not been so hard on him, should I have helped more after his many detox’s. Nursed him and not left to his own devices as that was his vulnerable time and of course he just turned to alcohol again.
There is so much more to the story than this.
But lessons learnt is always tell them you love them, even when they have infuriated you or fallen off the wagon. And remember love, affection and kindness go a long way. Addicts can say and do things under the influence that they don’t mean, so forgive easily when you can. Nobody chooses to live that way in such desperation and misery. Rest in Peace to all those who have lost their lives through addiction and addiction related illnesses.
If you have lost a loved one surround yourself with people who love and care about you. Know you did your best and that you are loved. -
Hi. I lost my husband 2 months ago due to alcohol related liver and kidney failure. While I am doing ok most of the time, tonight I was feeling the loneliness of the coming New Year’s Eve and not having him by my side. Turned to my phone for solace and Google brought me here. I’m in America. I know this is a UK forum but after reading the stories here and saying “me too” so many times out loud, to my cats, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your stories and making me feel less lonely tonight.
Like many of you experienced , my husband hid his drinking. He lied to me and emotionally abandoned me and my daughter. My first husband was an alcoholic. That marriage lasted 5 years before I kicked him out and divorced him. He sobered up for our daughter and we’re good friends and co-parents to this day.
I was married to my recent husband for 12 years. He was a wonderful man. I never would have thought he would fall victim to this disease. For close to 2 years he complained about leg pain, high blood pressure, fatigue and other symptoms. I thought it was blood pressure related. As time went on he started eating less, sleeping more, not coming up to bed or taking care of himself. I would plan things to do as a family and he would always back out at the last minute. He became unsocial. Withdrawn.
I would find empty vodka bottles and ask him about it. He always had a lame excuse or lie or just avoid the subject the best he could.
February 2021 and May 2022 he spent time in the hospital for passing out.
The first time he broke his head open. The second time I was there to catch him.
Neither hospital visits gave me any indication that he was drinking the way he was.
He continued to slowly lose weight, started vomiting more, and his gait was getting worse. He shuffled when he walked. He was only in his early 50s. He still would not admit he was drinking heavily. He would not let me into his doctor appointments. I had no idea what was happening. Just that something was wrong.I was very angry, sad, grieving the loss of the man I married.
March 2023 I got a call from his doctor. They were looking at recent bloodwork and I needed to get him to the ER immediately. His kidneys were failing. It was the next day we were told he had cirrhosis as well.
He came home from the hospital 3 weeks later. Proceeded to continue living on the couch. We had home health coming in for physical therapy and check ups. In addition to taking care of him, I was having to take him to dialysis 3x a week while also trying to work from home and get my daughter to/from school. It was too much. It was frustrating. He did nothing to help himself.
In May he went back into the hospital. From there he was moved around to physical rehabilitation and skilled nursing facilities as long as insurance would cover it. I could not care for him at home. It was too difficult, I was too angry, and exhausted.
I hired a social worker to help me place him in a nursing home and private paid for his care using his retirement funds from July through October. He was in and out of the hospital so many times in those 4 months. He was so thin, he couldn’t walk or do much of anything for himself.
It finally got to the point where he could no longer get dialysis outside of the ICU. We put him in hospice and he passed just days later.
I am relieved that he is no longer suffering and I was able to forgive him before he died, but I will never understand why this happened.
Thank you again for sharing your experiences and allowing me to share mine. I’m so sorry we have all had to endure this. I hope the new year brings you all peace! -
My (still loved but by the time of his death ex) partner of 12 years died in April 2023. And *warning* that this post contains some graphic descriptions of some of the realities of just how badly his alcoholism turned out for him and all of us who cared about him. It took away his intelligence, his health, his finances, his morality, his personal relationships and eventually his life.
He was an alcoholic the whole time I knew him, initially “functional” and employed in a managerial role as a soil physicist, later not employed and constantly complaining to me and berating me about lack of money, and was in end stage alcoholism from around mid 2019, threatening suicide by walking in front of a train at a level crossing near our house, laying down for months and drinking til he vomited, then drinking some more and vomiting some more.
In his final 24 months he had 6 rehab stays (commenced drinking again within a few hours of discharge each time) and 19-20 hospital admissions for alcoholic ketoacidosis, falls, tachycardia, intentional overdose etc. A once brilliant man, he had developed some degree of dementia by the end, had taken to wandering around the neighbourhood naked, was spotted by neighbours with his pants down and defecating in a children’s playground down the street from his brother’s house in Melbourne where I had sent him in November 2021 to continue trying to rehabilitate after I couldn’t take anymore (I continued to visit and support him there until August 2022 and spoke to him frequently til he died. I was the ladt family member to do so).
Our relationship had deteriorated a lot in the years before his death and while we were still living together, as I could no longer handle sleeping with him with the strong ethanol smell emitting from his body, the vomiting, and finally the constant defecating in his pants, all caused by the alcohol. He in turn felt personally rejected by this, and went on sex sites to complain to women about my lack of interest in him.
He could not see that his situation had contributed to this. He believed I was “frigid”. Before I sent him off to his brother, he gave out our address to women online and invited them round. Later, he started pursuing a woman near his brother’s place, and was dismayed when her Hells Angel husband reappeared after a stretch in prison.
I repartnered and moved interstate to South Australia in late 2022 and my alcoholic former partner was in turns angry and distressed by this development. He said many spiteful things to me, in his distress but also often begged me to return to him.
In the final weeks of his life when he’d accepted I would not be returning, he threatened me with financial ruin, accused me of stealing from him, accused me of having had him assaulted (he had a fall but was convinced he’d been bashed, so I called the police who concluded it was a fall), threatened to report me to the professional body I belong to as a lawyer, went to my bank posing as a solicitor and demanded access to my business’s bank accounts, etc. etc.
He had returned from his brother’s place to live at our New South Wales rural home property in mid February 2023. His brother and I both knew he was unsafe there. I was by then living interstate. He had 3 hospital stays between Feb and late March. I was back in our town briefly during one of these stays and bought him a few hundred dollars worth of microwavable dinners and a new microwave oven, because I was scared he would burn down a building he was staying in behind the main house, and possibly the house itself, which had 6 tenants in it, upon his discharge from hospital. He’d had to stop cooking at his brother’s place as he was so unsafe.
When discharging him in February, the local hospital tried to get me to take responsibility for him as his next of kin. I explained I was not even staying in the same state and could no longer care for him. They discharged him anyway, that time and twice more before the final time he was taken there.
He sent me a lot of angry and accusatory emails and texts in late March/early April and on 2 April (his 66th birthday) sent me an email entitled “And happy birthday to me” with no content. I spoke with him that day while I was travelling from Canberra to Melbourne for a connecting flight home to Adelaide, wished him a happy birthday and implored him for the millionth time to stop drinking, get help, etc etc and said that we needed to be kind to each other to navigate our way through the dismantling of our partnership.
On the evening of 4 April I was home with my new partner on his farm near Adelaide. My former partner called me and it was evident he couldn’t catch his breath. Then the phone went silent, as though he had passed out. My new partner (a first responder for 40 years) said we should call an ambulance and I thought so too, so I did. My adult son who was staying in another building at the property in New South Wales called and told me an ambulance had taken my former partner away, yet again.
Some days passed, I called the hospital to see if he was still there or had been transferred to a larger, city hospital as had happened numerous times before. They gave me no information. When he had not returned home in a fortnight I called the police and asked them to find out which hospital was in so I could let his family know. Initially the hospital couldn’t tell the police where they’d sent him. CCTV footage later showed him walking out of the hopital the same night he’d been taken in by ambulance. They’d never actually admitted him as he’d refused to go in voluntarily and he had been disgruntled and just left. No one had notified anyone and when I’d called they had followed protocol of no information.
After around 7 days of investigations which showed no bank accounts touched, no emails or calls, and a 3-4 day search by 23 police and state emergency services officers, of drains, waterways and parks around our town, his remains were spotted in open scrubland about 500 metres from the hospital, during a helicopter search.
Heavily intoxicated, in the dark, cold and rain, and without his glasses, which we later found had been left behind on a table when the ambulance took him, he’d wandered off in the wrong direction for home, walking uphill to the edge of town instead of what should have been a 20 minute walk downhill in normal conditions but he was weak from various falls, head bangs and the alcohol itself.
The police related to me that he had removed his clothes before dying. This may have been because, apparently, if someone has hypothermia and is not sober enough for reason to kick in, their brain misregisters the extreme cold their body is experiencing as being too hot and they engage in what’s called “paradoxical undressing”.
Later, during the roughly 3 weeks he had lain up on the hill, his remains were gnawed on by animals (possibly feral foxes or local dogs) and also of course, decomposition had taken place. What we got back from the coroner’s morgue was not complete enough to be called a “body”.
His family came over from New Zealand, and up from Melbourne and Canberra. I returned home to be with them and stayed with them, fed and cared for them for 2 weeks. I’m still close with his parents and siblings. Later, his children challenged me for our properties, as they didn’t know he’d put no capital into them and had no income in his final 5 years. They’re now aware of these things and also of arrangements I’ve already made for their financial welfare, and that side of things has calmed down, but it was very stressful and affected my health badly.
I am far far worse off financially for having known my former partner. I loved him and he loved me, but the whole thing was doomed by his addiction. I am moving on with life as best I can, but I’m not really sure I’ll ever be wholly ok again due to the personal and financial aftermath of the relationship and his death. My mental and physical health have suffered and I can no longer practise in my profession. On the other hand, my new partner and I are very kind to each other and I have many loved friends and family members.
Best wishes to all of you and I’m so sorry for how your partners’ addictions have affected you.
-
Thank you for sharing your story. Sadly, I can relate to most of this. Please know you are not alone.
-
-
So glad I found this page! Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories! It’s very helpful to know that I’m not alone with my grief.
My ex- husband of 35 years died December 20th from a sudden cardiac death related to his alcohol abuse. He was 58 years old. Our divorce was finalized in June and even though we were no longer together, the marital home had been sold, 6 rehab stays later, and the fact that I stood by his side for the last 7 years while he battled this addiction did not change the sad outcome. Even though I had distanced myself for the last year to avoid watching him die a slow death, the grief (and guilt) are still overwhelming.
I returned from visiting my daughter and her family on December 20th. It was such a wonderful time with all of them and spoiling my granddaughters and I was in a good place mentally. While I was visiting, my daughter and I talked about the last time either of us heard anything from her father and we both called and texted him during my visit, but no response. My daughter asked that I do a welfare check on him when I returned home because the last time any of us had heard from him was December 11th and his banking activity stopped on December 12th when he visited the local grocery store. My call to the local police department didn’t seem real – I couldn’t believe I had to do this to make sure he was ok after so many years of marriage. The officer assured me he would let me know how they made out and after 90 minutes, I was convinced that they had found him at his apartment, drunk or sleeping and were telling him to contact his family as they were worried about him.
The next call I received showed a caller ID of UC Coroner’s office. I instantly felt cold and the kind person on the phone informed me that they found my ex-husband deceased in his apartment. It appeared he had been cooking in the kitchen and experienced a sudden cardiac event and most likely died a week earlier. They asked that I come to the apartment to answer some questions to help them determine when he died. I barely recall the drive to his apartment, which was only 2 miles away. They did not need me or our adult son to identify the body as the found his wallet and verified from his driver’s license it was him. The body was “in no condition to be seen”.
It’s now been a little over 2 weeks and my mind still races with a mix of feelings of guilt coupled by nearly 40 years of wonderful memories as well as the awful memories of the last 7 years and how alcohol took over his life. I wonder each day if he suffered in any way and pray he died suddenly. What’s worse is I will never know the answer to these questions and it breaks my heart to know this is how the love of my life spent his final moments on earth. He was a financial six-figure head of our household for so many years only to be unemployed at the end and rarely leaving his apartment. My son and I cleaned out his apartment the week after his death and we lost count at 14 empty 2-litre bottles of vodka. His apartment was filthy and the last time we saw him was December 2nd where it was clear he had been drinking heavily and was not taking care of himself. He had lost a lot of weight and was struggling to remember things. The heartbreak my son and I both felt seeing where he fell when he died and having to clean the area where his body was, I would never wish this on anyone.
Nobody knows what to say when something like this happens. I don’t even know what to say when they ask! Alcoholism is a slow suicide and a cruel thing for family and loved ones to see. I know my life will never be the same but I’m doing my best to move on. My family, colleagues at work, and my friends have been very supportive and I now fell less alone after finding this site.
I want all of you to know that you are not alone and we need to be kind to ourselves. None of us wanted this to happen and I know, at least for me, that I had planned to be with this person forever. Sadly, alcohol had other plans.
-
Hi – I see so many posts with the same issue that I also have – it’s comforting to see I’m not alone even though alcoholism in the family is a hidden issue most of us are embarrassed to share publicly…- I feel so stupid for staying in this relationship but it’s not that easy to just go… My husband has always had issues with alcohol but never to the extent it has become now- he deals with life problems with drinking and since COVID his drinking habits have worsened to the point that he drinks a bottle of vodka 6 out of 7 nights most weeks and somehow has built up a tolerance to it, which means he manages to go to work the next day ! I cannot fathom how he does it and I wonder if it will ever change… When he is sober he knows he has a problem and it’s affecting us (spending £100 a week on booze is making me furious + he falls asleep easily in the evening, he becomes irritable and I can’t stand him when he decides to drink night after night). He’s sober morning and afternoon but most evenings he’s drunk… it’s his coping mechanism in life and honestly I know it sounds awful but I sometimes wonder what would be a relief for me – his death or a divorce? I don’t wish that on anyone but when I get angry at the situation I fantasise about it – how much easier for us if the drink killed him rather than us going through the hassle of a divorce or me continuing to struggle to cope with this daily, on top of household chores and my job…. It’s embarrassing to say that because some of you have been through this ordeal and the death of a spouse or ex husband and I know it would be very upsetting but he’s not ready to go public to ask for help (he’s ashamed I think) and he feels he wants to do it on his own – the problem is that I am not willing to wait years for change – we are both in our mid forties and I can’t imagine 5 or more years like this ! I also feel I am enabling him because when he demands more booze, I rush to the shop to buy it for him to avoid confrontation – in addition, his family doesn’t know the extent of his problem (although they may have an idea when they notice his shaky hands the day after a boozy night…) – Sorry for going on here, I obviously would love for him to change on his own but I’m afraid deep down that he won’t be able to change even though he’s aware of his problem when he is sober… it’s sad to say from what I’ve read the future with alcohol abuse is likely to be separation or early death… I would love to read positive stories of alcoholics changing for the better, if there are some out there… Thanks.
-
Hi, reading all these posts gives me comfort in knowing I’m not alone. My partner/boyfriend of 5+ died 7 months ago from liver failure. Our relationship started off great and never realizing he was a heavy drinker when we met and later, I adopted his drinking habits until I started noticing a couple years into our relationship suspicious behavior. When we met, my son was 7 years old and he had two adult children from his previous marriage. We waited to introduce our kids into our relationship and didn’t start the blending of our families until after a year of dating. Over the years, the bond I developed with his kids became stronger and the bond he had with my son did as well. The slow drip of alcoholism came to light several years ago when I noticed the vodka in the freezer was being emptied sooner, then catching him taking sips in the middle of the night and confronting him. Later on, he began hiding it and I kept finding bottles, in the closet, in his car, his work and etc. His kids and I had an intervention a couple years ago and after that, the disease got worse along with his behavior. I was trapped in the car with him driving at 11am when I realized he was drunk, swerving on the highway, begging him to pull over. Luckily, no crash and he pulled over and we cried together. I discovered he had an affair, which began my therapy journey and soon after, began going to Al-Anon. He missed out on his daughter’s engagement, failed to show up for my son, lie after lie, I was living in constant chaos. I was the bridge between his kids and him trying to teach them about alcoholism as I was learning myself. My partner, loved me, my son and his kids dearly. He was never abusive to us or yelled was he was drunk. He was always jovial, vibrant, said hello to everyone person on the street, full of jokes and taught my son confidence in socialization because my son has struggled since he is autistic. When he drank, he was silent and more dangerous to himself from falling. He would disappear and I would be up all night running so many scenarios through my mind. He would come home with bruises on his face and many cuts to his forehead for falling. Many times, I’d find him in our garage passed out and would leave him there. At one point in our relationship, the drinking got so bad I decided I needed to move out to have another apartment for my son to have some stability. We lived separately for 8 months and during that time, he did go to rehab. We wrote letters to one another while in rehab and I started reading so many books on “loving your partner in recovery.” After rehab, seeing the realities of alcoholism came to full light. I saw him differently, seeing that this disease is so much painful to him than the chaos it was bringing in my life. I could see the demon attached to him and he struggled to heal. He had friends in the same situation but sober for longer time and they kept surrounding themselves to him. He would go to AA regularly with them and they would check on me as well. We did couples therapy and helped through the dark days. Eventually, we moved back in with my partner. Near then end, as we both loved harder through the toughest days. I finally could really see him as I always knew, lovable, compassionate but deeply sad. The shame was so heavy that he was experiencing and broke my heart to see his vibrant spirit not shine. I changed the ways I responded to his drinking. If he came home drunk, he would go to our room and lay down. Before, I’d cry in another room, binge eat, binge on Netflix and not reach out to any support, just sit alone in sadness. My new response was to “not stop living,” so I’d leave and take a Pilates class instead or go to my sisters and have dinner. I would always come home, not runaway but take a break where I was doing something healthy for myself or surrounding myself around others. Days prior to his death, he started to reach a certain clarity. The drinking wasn’t getting any better and I wasn’t trying to “make him” do anything. He was making calls to his siblings and close friends, being vulnerable and sharing his next step, to go back to rehab. This was his choice, not from me badgering him or the kids. He called the facility he went before to make arrangements. The mornings, he started with great motivation but by late afternoon, he was drinking, full of shame. The night before he died, he didn’t come home and stayed on our boat instead. I begged him to come home, I told him “just Uber home.” I didn’t care that he was drunk, in my mind, being alone was worst for him. The self shaming is the hardest when you’re alone. The last thing I said, “you’re not meant to be alone to go through this.” He never made it home and the next day, I found him. A pain I could never describe and still feel today. I’m writing now because, after his death, I begged to have him in my dreams and lately, I see him in my dreams and he’s disappearing, wandering away, drunk in my dreams. Still, in my dreams, I’m experiencing the anxiety I live and continue to live today. He was a lovely man and I miss him severely everyday. He was my best friend and we shared the same humor, we had many inside jokes. The past holidays have been tough and the grief of my son, who is now 13, is the hardest for me to help. My grief alone is tough but seeing my son, struggle is heartbreaking. My son, knew of my partner’s alcoholism because my partner chose to tell him. After the love of my life died, we had to move to a new city, new school and I started a new job. Later on, I had to re-home our puppy because I couldn’t manage it. I am still very close to my partner’s kids, who I moved closer to and developed a friendship with his ex-wife. I always remember the good time, great memories and many laughs I had with my partner. The scars of alcoholism come up in my grief that many don’t understand and I struggle on sharing with my friends and family this. Just when I think I overcame a cycle of grief, another one comes and I’m broken all over again. Reading all these posts has helped me open up to others who I know, know what I feel and experience. I thank you all for sharing, and wish you strength and kindness to yourself everyday.
-
Hi, my husband just passed away a month ago. He was an alcoholic for the last 5 years but the last 2 were downhill. I left my house with my teenage daughter a year ago because it was impossible to live with him anymore, he was not working anymore and drinking vodka non stop day and night. Everyday coming back home from work was a nightmare because he was either drunk awake or drunk asleep, the man that I married was gone, he was now possessed by a demon called alcohol. I was reluctant to leave him until that point because he had no family and neither did I, I knew that the moment I’ll leave him he would end up homeless in the streets. But it got into a point that I had to leave not only to protect me but to protect my daughter. He went to an inpatient rehab center for three weeks but left the place saying that he was not an alcoholic and since that day he never seek professional help again. During the last year I avoid having too much contact with him hoping that he will hit rock bottom and decide to seek help but it did not happened. A couple of months before he passed away, he started to go to church and we thought that God will guide him through the recovery path and ease his pain. Unfortunately it was too late, his health was very compromised and he died of a massive heart attack while sleeping in his car. I found him 2 days later after not having news from him. I am totally heartbroken, can’t stop feeling guilty for not being nicer to him, he was feeling very lonely and he just needed to feel closer to his family but I wasn’t ready to take him back. My husband was a man with a great heart, he loved his daughters and his friends, before the sickness took over his life he was a happy man, always cooking for all his friends and hosting dinners at home, he loved his country and always wanted to go back. I still don’t understand when and how he ended up like this but I only know that I miss him a lot and can’t stop crying, my pain and guilt is overwhelming, I wish I would had being nicer and more kind to him. Even though I know he is free from his pain and in a much better place finally resting in peace, I would wanted a different outcome, I was still hoping that christianity would had help him recover. We will miss him dearly specially the important days on my daughter’s life like their wedding, etc. Thank you for reading and hope this help to let you know that you are not alone in this pain.
-
Thank you for your stories. My husband died 9 weeks ago, in hospital. He was an alcoholic. I don’t know what to feel. He was a lovely man, who struggled with his depression and let alcohol take over his life. Our children and I are devastated but a little bit of me isn’t, I’m just numb. I don’t know what to feel or do, I’m so confused. It’s a relief that he’s not in pain but so sad for the life we’ve lost. We were together for 40 years. I loved him so much but I’m so angry with him for doing this. I don’t know how to feel.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.